Would this upset you - husband going to the pub after work?

[Thesunisrisingintheeast]

For context, he normally WFH and this brings its own challenges. But today he went to the office which is about an hour and a half away, so he generally doesn’t get in till 7.

Heard nothing from him all day then he rings to say he’s been to the pub.

We have a toddler at home and I’m a bit upset and feeling a bit odd.

He should check with you before going and he should be around more and pull his weight t home.

No, why would it. He's entitled to some down time (make sure you get some too)
What has a toddler got to do with it?

Wouldn't you have done bed time alone anyway even if he came home from the office? I'm guessing he didn't tell you as he knew he'd get a hard time about it !!
I think it's fine for a parent to go out as long as you also do (and you said you did on Friday )

Is this true? You need outside help to get him to leave.

I agree a courtesy phone call or text. When you are not working you are both responsible for your child not just one of you do it's only polite to check if your planning on not pitching in.

If they are a toddler don’t you get a few hours in the evening? If they’re old enough to be up and about in the evening they’re old enough not to need constant supervision.

I usually go to the pub once a week on one of my office days. The only reason it might be pre arranged is to make sure OH is home if he’s also been to the office. Rushing home to see him and the kids doesn’t even cross my mind. In fact it’s partly about getting time away from them. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them.

I think a text is in order. That’s what couples do isn’t it? Less about asking permission and more of a heads-up?

I think your reaction is very ott. You sound controlling. The not being able to both be on laptops is strange, why ever not? What time is your ds going to bed? 7pm? That gives you 3 hours before bed, say at 10pm, that you can both laptop. There is clearly a lot of pent up resentment here that you need to talk to Dh about.

Having a drink after work is fine, but only if childcare is in place. He didn't check, he didn't make arrangements, he just assumed that all was well at home, that you had no plans of your own, and that you'd magically cover for him. You're both equally responsible for your toddler, so it's not okay for either of you to swan off without consulting with the other and agreeing who's doing the parenting. I wouldn't be happy either, OP. What an arse.

@Stravaig that’s what I was unhappy about. And it happens ALL THE TIME.

@Oblomov22 you know what time I managed to get DS down last night! 940.

Now that was an exceptionally bad one, to be fair. I’ve never known that before. But generally he is in bed at 8. Then he wakes at 11 and the night is disturbed until about 4. So a 10 bedtime would kill me. In other words no, I don’t ever get to spend hours on a laptop.

No, but if he hadn't told me I'd be annoyed if I'd cooked dinner for us.
Ask him to tell you if he's going to go/stay out longer than expected so you can plan accordingly (or if a spontaneous thing that he lets you know asap).

So there's your reason. Cream crackered. If you managed to get the sleeping sorted, it would make a huge difference. Start a new thread and others will advise. Before long, hopefully in bed by 7, and then you will have plenty of time to yourself.

I'm surprised at all the posters saying it wouldn't bother them, acting as if you are controlling. We operate a basic communication system in our marriage. It works.

I'm intrigued that so many people would be happy with an announcement by text or call. Assumed default parent. For me, even if the likely and hoped for answer is yes, it would still have to be a genuine question. Every time. For both of us.

I wouldn't be bothered he went to the pub. I would have expected a message or call to say he was going to be late though.

This would piss me off - I don’t think it’s fair for you to expect one thing and him to do another without telling you.

@littlebunnyboo you have a serious problem with an abusive man and I fear your cry for help is being lost in this thread about someone else's issue.

I implore you to start your own thread where I hope you'll get good advice aimed just at you from better women than me.

Op is upset about being THE DEFAULT PARENT

I can totally see your point op

If we are both working, the one wfh that day IS the default parent until the other gets home.

Do you go to the office occasionally too? And feel you can come home after toddler’s bedtime on that day, leaving DH to be default parent for the evening?

It doesn't sound like it's a regular thing though. It's not like he goes to the pub every night.

But by deciding to go out, you’re extending the other partners “working hours” with no consultation or even communication. I’m a stay at home parent and I wouldn’t be happy with this, both me and DH communicate about stuff like this. DH also usually wouldn’t do it because he knows I’d be tired after parenting for most of the day. OPs DH seems at best, inconsiderate about this issue,

My toddler is a handful, I’m knackered atm, so DH is leaving work on time to take over and then finishing up work after DD goes to bed. If he told me on short notice he was going to the pub I wouldn’t mind because he is generally a good parent and a considerate husband.

If I felt like he was always dumping stuff on me in general I’d be furious. I think its often the straw that broke the camels back, in isolation its not a big deal but if its in the context of generally feeling like its assumed you will always work around him then yeah YANBU.

I suppose the point is I go to work every single day and if I wanted to go to the pub after work I couldn’t not ask, because I have to get DS at the end of the day.

There are numerous examples of times like this. I’m really not controlling but I am doing more than is possible for one human and meanwhile DH doesn’t give a shit I’m tired and stressed and so unhappy.

No it wouldn't upset me. I'd be glad he was socialising especially if he is wfh. I assume that he texted you to let you know around the time he should have been home.?

Honestly you just have one toddler not a new born, you should be able to manage a night without him at this stage as should he without you making you feel guilty.
Maybe organise a night or two off yourself and let him know he's on duty.