Would this upset you - husband going to the pub after work?

[Thesunisrisingintheeast]

For context, he normally WFH and this brings its own challenges. But today he went to the office which is about an hour and a half away, so he generally doesn’t get in till 7.

Heard nothing from him all day then he rings to say he’s been to the pub.

We have a toddler at home and I’m a bit upset and feeling a bit odd.

I wouldn't be annoyed if it's not a regular thing and he does his bit at home but I think a quick text is nice just to keep you updated is reasonable to want.

Why would anyone recommend sleep training? That’s cruel. They get there when they get there (I say this as someone who’s 2 out of 3 DC didn’t start sleeping through until they were almost 4)

It doesn't have to be cruel. Not sleeping through the night until four years old is ridiculous. I'd have had a nervous breakdown if I'd been woken up every night for years.

It's inhumane that society and the ops husband expect women to work whilst looking after babies and not sleeping. If he wants a housewife and a sahm he needs to shoulder all the financial responsibility. If he wants an equal partnership in terms of finances, the equality should extend to the housework and childcare.

I really feel for you.

Sounds like the trip to the pub was the straw that broke the camels back. Try not to argue about this as this is not the real conversation.

You are fed up with the un-equitable division of labour in your house. Going to the pub and assuming you will do everything is an example of this as is the sitting and watching a box set when their are household chores that need doing.

I would sit down and speak to your partner and ask what he suggests. Get him to take on full responsibility for some things so they are off your plate completely. He can be responsible for getting LO up, dressed and to nursery a couple of times a week and he can also be responsible for pick ups. Make it set days then you do not need to manage it. On an evening he can do bedtime routine or tea/ tidy up etc. Start by discussing the things that need doing and either offer him a choice or tell him which one you are doing.

Fine for him to go, but he should have let you know

No it’s not. We expect too much of children. I don’t think most adults even sleep through a night without waking up to use the toilet, get a drink, change position anyway - I know I don’t. I agree it shouldn’t just be his wife’s problem though. My DH and I both dealt with night wakings, and still do if they wake.

@Comedycook Well ... congratulations on finding parenting a breeze? God forbid you have empathy for someone who doesn't.

"The op needs to sleep train her toddler." – So, yet again, it's the OP who needs to do, is it? Because the whole thing would fall on her.

@ForestFae Sleep training is 100% a personal decision. Your opinions are not facts.

There is a huge difference in not sleeping through the night and being awake for several hours in the night and I am looking into sleep training. It isn’t an immediate solution though and isn’t really why I am posting tbh.

I and my other half often pop to the pub for an hour or 2 after work cannot see why it is a big deal

It's not, as long as you let them know. Which you obviously do, otherwise there would be times that literally nobody was home with your dc's(?).. 😂

It’s about you being the default parent. You need to have a conversation to change that. He could do some pick ups perhaps. Start making some plans for yourself

People who used the word controlling, were responding to you wanting to stop an adult who only sees his colleagues once a fortnight wanting to go for a drink after work.
What you have started adding in the last couple of pages are completely different issues, and would have got you completely different answers.

So, just to look at a couple of them:
He doesn’t go to the pub every night but he does tend to do his own thing in a way I cannot.
As a PP said if he wants to get his hair cut, he does. If he wants to nip out somewhere or do some work in the evening or do some DIY, he does.

So, why don't you get your diaries out during the evening meal on a Sunday, and talk through who is going to be where, at what time, for the rest of that week ? That is what we have always done, checking in whi is taking which child where, when, who is needing to be late or early at work, who is going to be home, who is cooking, etc etc.

(Can't quote more than one, but) re you always picking dc up from childcare.
Why ?
You say he wfh most of the time. Why doesn't one of you tak and one of you drop? Or One do half the week and one the other? OR alternate weeks? Or arrange each day according to whatever else is going on in your weekly diary check in ?

He sits with a box set while you are doing child care / jobs ?
Again, why ? How have you got to that situation ? Why are you living like that? This is what you need to change, not an occasional drink with work colleagues.

You are up half the night, every night
Again, why ? Your dc has 2 parents. You either split the night so he deals with anything up to 3am and you deal with anything after that or you do alternate nights. How on earth have you allowed it to get to a default situation where you are doing all the nights especially 11pm when he could still be up anyway ???

It wouldn't bother me that he went but I would at the very least expect a text

@Kite22 even without the other stuff, I would never leave DH with DS all day, dawn till dusk, and just assume he was fine with me going to the pub.

And those who leap on that and say ooooh, controlling, with primary or secondary aged kids who can sort themselves, it isn’t.

I would never leave DH with DS all day, dawn till dusk, and just assume he was fine with me going to the pub.

I would never assume that someone was fine with me going to the pub and I’d definitely send a text to say I’ll be home late.
But if he’s going to the pub after work then there’s not a lot he can do.

I don’t think it’s fair that he doesn’t get to go to the pub after work and if you’re at work too then it’s not like your stuck with the child all day.

But when he is home is absolutely needs to be putting in more effort and it shouldn’t be that he assumes you’re free to pick up the child when you could have plans yourself.

I think you guys just need more communication.

Of course it isn't controlling, you are both supposed to be responsible for your child, he's attitude seems to be that only you are responsible for your son

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree on that.
When mine were small (and keep in mind we have 3 dc, not 1) he would have them for 48hours now and then and cope just fine if I went away for a weekend, and I would cope just fine with them all when he was away.
It's just called parenting.

If one parent were leaving the other parent to 'do it all' all the time and going out to work then out to the pub night after night, you would get totally different answers, but that isn't what you said in the opening post and first couple of pages.

As I said in my last comment, all the other stuff about completely and ridiculously unfair distribution of parenting is the stuff you need to tackle - but none of that was mentioned to begin with.

Your whole set up sounds completely unfair and I hope you can sit down with your selfish husband and make some changes.

Op said in her first post that her dp went to the pub without letting her know.. Something that she herself would never be able to do. I think that was the original point. The stuff that's been added since only makes it more clear how unfair things are for her.

He goes to pub about once a fortnight and you complain. Why do you want him to stop socialising?

I know MN comprehension isn’t always famed but how anyone can read this and think my annoyance is at him socialising I don’t know.

@Kite22 I am on holiday. I had had DS dawn till dusk. If he’d rang and said ‘I was going to go for a pint, that OK?’ I’d have said sure. I regularly do similarly long shifts when he works away. It’s not about not coping. It’s about complete disregard.

@Thesunisrisingintheeast I completely get why you aren’t happy, but just wondering how you got into the situation where you are always the one that picks DS up from nursery (and I think drops him off)?We were clear right from the start that nursery duty would be shared equally on the days we both worked - meant we both had to ask for a bit of flexibility from work - basically we did one end of the day each so would alternate between starting and finishing early or starting and finishing late. I know that’s not possible in some jobs, but it’s amazing how many dads seem to claim it’s not possible in their jobs relative to the number of mums who say that.

We also both let the other one know if we were going to be later than usual, particularly if not going to be home for dinner and/or DC bed time.

I assume you both chose to have a child? Therefore both equally responsible and your DH needs reminding of that.

It's annoying not to be told, but it's easy to pop in for a quick one after work and suddenly it be an hour an half later. Not really unreasonable, but a bit thoughtless.

If you feel like the default caregiver I'd suggest organising your own good time when DH can babysit to even things up a bit.

I think a text is in order. That’s what couples do isn’t it? Less about asking permission and more of a heads-up?

Absolutely this. From what you have written OP he seems to just do his own thing with little regard as to how that affects you and DC. When you are in a relationship, you have to consider the other people in it. Surely thats the basics isn't it?

If DP texted/called and said he wanted to pop to the pub after work, I'd of said no problem. It's absolutely not about asking permission, just being considerate of your other half.

And we don't have a toddler in the mix! A baby/toddler puts a totally different spin on things. They ARE hard work, even the easy ones :)
And when babies and toddlers were part of our equation, that request to go to the pub most definitely WOULD have been a question/asking permission, purely because there are responsibilities at home which the other parent has to pick up the slack on when one parent is out. Its common courtesy.

He is taking for granted you picking up the slack. He should at the very least be checking thats ok with you.

You are not controlling OP, not in the least. You just want a bit of respect and consideration from your partner. That is not controlling!

I hated it when DH treated me as the default parent. Tbf he didn't do it all that often but it's rude and disrespectful. Then it makes you look unreasonable for begrudging the night out or whatever. When you're at home with a little one and have had a tough night or day, another couple of hours is a long time.

Our DC are much older now so don't need much in the way of childcare but we still run plans past each other out of courtesy. So not asking if we can do something but a 'will it make any difference to you if...'