Would this upset you - husband going to the pub after work?

[Thesunisrisingintheeast]

For context, he normally WFH and this brings its own challenges. But today he went to the office which is about an hour and a half away, so he generally doesn’t get in till 7.

Heard nothing from him all day then he rings to say he’s been to the pub.

We have a toddler at home and I’m a bit upset and feeling a bit odd.

The point is he didnt ask if she was okay to look after DS. Because he treats her like the default. Not that he went out.

I suppose the point is I go to work every single day and if I wanted to go to the pub after work I couldn’t not ask, because I have to get DS at the end of the day.

There are numerous examples of times like this. I’m really not controlling but I am doing more than is possible for one human and meanwhile DH doesn’t give a shit I’m tired and stressed and so unhappy.

Exactly, he sees her role as always looking after their son while he is free to do what he wants, but after work it’s both their job - or should be.

I think you definitely need to talk to him about how you're feeling but I actually wouldn't mention this incident. It's really not unusual behaviour at all and if you were generally happy and not feeling he'd checked out I don't think you'd mind. he might only hear that he's being "told off for going to the pub one time" and then you've lost your audience.

him not seeing your son for a day... i adore my kids but i really wouldn't rush home after being in the office for the first time in weeks if there was pub fun to be had.

in an ideal world it would have been planned and he could have let you know but after work drinks don't always go like that, should he never do anything spontaneous again? of course you should be able to as well.

He doesn’t go to the pub every night but he does tend to do his own thing in a way I cannot.

As a PP said if he wants to get his hair cut, he does. If he wants to nip out somewhere or do some work in the evening or do some DIY, he does.

I think on the day you're home and your partner isn't home until 7.30 you kind of are the default parent that day?

what is wrong is one person always being the default

Yes, I'd be annoyed if he hadn't told me in advance and expected me to be at home with DD as just 'the default'
It wouldn't sit well at our house. I expect communication and consideration and if you can't give it you don't get it, DH knows this.

If it's every so often and he lets you know then cool, but if it's regular that he just expects that you'll be happy at home doing everything then nope

Can you start to do these things yourself?

What would happen if you did?

I wouldn't be annoyed by the going, but a quick text to say that he was going would have been reasonable- or is it a given thing they always do on the rare days he goes in? If it's an established thing, I would have assumed it was happening if it does every time

On the face of it , this incident doesn't appear to be big deal to lost people but you clearly are feeling genuinely under appreciated and you've blown this issue up a bit because of that.
I think you need to have a conversation with him along the lines that he needs to assume he is on duty with you son for three nights and you do three nights. The person not on duty can do what they want or catch up with work, hair cut and the other person does bedtime etc
Your toddler doesn't need both of you there all the time and you're feeling resentful of always feeling like your on duty so maybe mix it up before it destroys your relationship. I couldn't be with someone who begrudged me a random night out after work

As a one off, no.

I occasionally stay for a glass of wine, After wfh for two years, the change in conversation is healthy.

Don't you go for a coffee with friends or your mum?

This is a massive overreaction. My dh goes out every week. He wfh mostly now but when he was in the office, he'd go for after work drinks most Fridays. Really doesn't bother me. In fact, I am usually pleased to have the tv to myself and not have to bother making dinner for him!

I think it’s fine for him to go to the pub and you should both be encouraging each other to do things like that more.

But he should have told you.
If he’s usually home by 6pm then you could have planned something for yourself.

So a simple ‘I’m going to the pub after work’ text would have been much better.

Your suggestion that him going to the pub means that he doesn’t want to see you or DS is very unfair and quite concerning as it sounds controlling.

Yeah this would really bother me. You have to check in with partner before going places when there's young kids involved.. Otherwise does he always just assume you're happy to parent alone? Imagine if you did the same thing.

Exactly. If I did the same thing we’d be done for child neglect. Just feeling completely alone at the moment.

And how do I sound controlling when I’m describing a man who does exactly what he wants when he wants? Sorry but on what planet is that controlling?

Honestly I have no idea why you are upset. You both need space and time to relax.

Going to pub occasionally after work not unreasonable. You being default parent and him not checking whether you’re ok with him going that night unreasonable.

It strongly suggests that he doesn’t want to see me or DS, and he doesn’t care if we’re OK or not, he’ll do his own thing just as he would have if he was single.

Of course you don’t seriously think that him going to the pub suggests he doesn’t want to see you or DS.
It’s a very silly thing to say and I hope you didn’t say that to him because yes that is controlling as you’re guilt tripping him in to staying home.

but you wouldn't be done for child neglect because the child was left with his parent.

I think sometimes its needed to do what you would if you were single. but it works both ways and you're not getting your fair share of spontaneous child free fun. i'd be pissed off too but i just think you need to approach it as you needing more, not him having less

Eh, Dp, texted me the other day to say they were all having a wet lunch with wine and pizza whilst I was grafting.😂
Then the sat just gone she popped to friends for a quick coffee which turned into a 7 hr catch up.

Meh, not an issue.

I'm pretty sure the issue isn't the pub, the issue is going without checking it was OK first. Because he's a parent, so you can't assume it's ok.. I just find it very sexist if men can carry on doing as they please but women have to arrange some form of childcare before they do anything. Surely nobody actually thinks that's fair?

@40andlols but you don’t get it.

DH does whatever he wants when he wants. So let’s say I say … OK, I’m going to do the same. I’m going to go to the pub after work. And then DH does the same. What happens to DS then?

Id have to ask if that was OK, even if only to ensure that DS wasn’t left at nursery.

@maddy68 so when do I get that?

@40andlols but you don’t get it.

DH does whatever he wants when he wants. So let’s say I say … OK, I’m going to do the same. I’m going to go to the pub after work. And then DH does the same. What happens to DS then?

Id have to ask if that was OK, even if only to ensure that DS wasn’t left at nursery.

@maddy68 so when do I get that?