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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this upset you - husband going to the pub after work?

150 replies

Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:18

For context, he normally WFH and this brings its own challenges. But today he went to the office which is about an hour and a half away, so he generally doesn’t get in till 7.

Heard nothing from him all day then he rings to say he’s been to the pub.

We have a toddler at home and I’m a bit upset and feeling a bit odd.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 31/05/2022 21:06

Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 20:31

He does go to the pub maybe every other week so it’s not loads.

I do feel like the default parent though (cliche sorry.) Like last night he was working on something on his laptop for ages. I never get a chance to do that.

This is the issue - you feel like the default parent.

Can you have a chat with him? The resentment sounds like it comes not from him going to the pub specifically, but the fact a) you couldn;t just do the same and b) you are default the responsible person.

Chewbecca · 31/05/2022 21:09

I go to the pub pretty much every time I go to the office now, having WFH for 2 years. Most people do in my workplace.

MissPeregrinesHome · 31/05/2022 21:17

It's not so much the thing but the not communicating first. I would be fed up if I was tired. Even if I wasn't agree that being kept in the loop is important, especially when small children are at home.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 31/05/2022 21:24

We’ve got 2 young kids and my Oh works away most of the week every week, it’s exhausting as I also work, so I would be happy with one eve every other week without notice!!!

kateandme · 31/05/2022 21:33

This isn't the issue,this is an issue because of the actual problems op.amd there is where you need to sort.im sorry it feels like this is just another thing to add to what your feeling about him checking out.it won't ease itself though.and I need for your own wellbeing to talk this through.

Kite22 · 31/05/2022 22:08

Like most, no, him going to the pub wouldn't upset me - although I would have expected a text to let me know, so I wasn't envisaging him being in an accident on the way home when he didn't arrive.

Even more so, since your post says you worry he hardly goes out.
It makes sense if he normally wfh, and his office / colleagues are 90mins away, for him to go for a drink when he sees them.

As others have said though, if you feel he has checked out the relationship, then perhaps that is what you should focus on and discuss it with him, separate from the fact he went to the pub on this one occasion.

Electriq · 31/05/2022 22:11

It would bother me that he didn't bother to send a msg to let me know he would be late because he was popping to the pub.

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 22:12

The pub is a manifestation of that, though.

It strongly suggests that he doesn’t want to see me or DS, and he doesn’t care if we’re OK or not, he’ll do his own thing just as he would have if he was single.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 31/05/2022 22:12

I would be upset that he didn't give you a heads up before going. Especially since there seems to be a disconnect from him with you and your DS. Like he's so unbothered about you that he doesn't have the thought to care to let you know. So yes this would be hurtful. Him going wouldn't be, him not letting me know would be.

Original poster
Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 22:12

That’s how it feels @Sunnytwobridges

OP posts:
nearlyspringyay · 31/05/2022 22:18

I've done this when I've been in the office, maybe once every 6 weeks or so. It's never ore planned, but I'd give DH the heads up before I went.

mumto2teenagers · 31/05/2022 22:24

You say he normally gets in around 7pm, what time did he call you?

If he was in later than usual then I would expect him to text or call to let me know.

It strongly suggests that he doesn’t want to see me or DS, and he doesn’t care if we’re OK or not, he’ll do his own thing just as he would have if he was single.

Accusing him of not wanting to see you or DS and not caring you are OK because he calls into the pub on his way home occasionally makes you sound pretty controlling.

Octomore · 31/05/2022 22:36

mumto2teenagers · 31/05/2022 22:24

You say he normally gets in around 7pm, what time did he call you?

If he was in later than usual then I would expect him to text or call to let me know.

It strongly suggests that he doesn’t want to see me or DS, and he doesn’t care if we’re OK or not, he’ll do his own thing just as he would have if he was single.

Accusing him of not wanting to see you or DS and not caring you are OK because he calls into the pub on his way home occasionally makes you sound pretty controlling.

I agree with this. He s not out several nights a week, this sounds like it's relatively rare, so saying it indicates he doesn't care is a massive overstatement.

Your issue is that your are tired and stressed, and feeling under pressure. Not him going for one evening to the pub.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 31/05/2022 22:38

When my DD was a toddler I worked morning and DH worked on London so I got this quite frequently. It did annoy me but it wasn't too bad. But I get what u mean

SallyWD · 31/05/2022 22:46

I encourage my DH to go to the pub after work and socialise! I don't think it's healthy that my DH is usually WFH and only talks to me. I don't understand why you feel so weird about it. He did call you to tell you he'd been there.

mummabubs · 31/05/2022 22:51

I think the lack of consideration and communication would irk me to be honest. We have two young children and I also get no sleep as I'm up with them in the night. I know how it feels to sometimes be counting down the minutes in my head until DH is due back from work so that I have back up! 😅 So whilst his desire to go to the pub might not be unreasonable on its own, I think it would have been nice for him to think about the impact that has on you and then the bigger issue for me would be that he didn't communicate this to you at all until after he'd done it. So in that sense YANBU in my book. Hope he's back soon!

GADDay · 31/05/2022 22:51

Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 22:12

The pub is a manifestation of that, though.

It strongly suggests that he doesn’t want to see me or DS, and he doesn’t care if we’re OK or not, he’ll do his own thing just as he would have if he was single.

If the issue is you feel disconnected, talk to him about that. Tell him how you are feeling and ask how he feels.

If you lead with - you were half an hour late home after stopping for a pint and you didn't give a blow by blow advance update on your movements, you will get nowhere and rightly so. If he had stopped out for hours and got blind drunk and had form you might have something to go on.

I totally get the frustration of feeling like the default parent. It is shit.

eddiemairswife · 31/05/2022 22:52

Why are you struggling with your toddler?

Oystercatchers · 31/05/2022 23:30

I agree with a few PP: I wouldn't be fussed he wanted to go to the pub; indeed chances are I'd be encouraging him - but I would be pretty fed up if he didn't bother checking in. It's rude of him to assume you'd automatically be fine with him turning up later than he'd said.

I have a 5 year old, but even now (and certainly when she was a toddler!) I had a definite routine around making dinner and going to bed. It was fine if DP couldn't be there (or if I couldn't), but you do need to know what's happening so you don't keep delaying dinner endlessly for someone who has no intention of turning up, or whatever.

Kite22 · 31/05/2022 23:42

Thesunisrisingintheeast · 31/05/2022 22:12

The pub is a manifestation of that, though.

It strongly suggests that he doesn’t want to see me or DS, and he doesn’t care if we’re OK or not, he’ll do his own thing just as he would have if he was single.

Well, it doesn't suggest that to me.

As it happens, dh went out with colleagues from work tonight. I do not leap from that to saying he doesn't care about us. That is nonsense.

Now, if he is checking out of the relationship, discuss that, but your posts are suggesting this is much more about you wanting to prevent him doing a very normal, reasonable thing.
He isn't going to the pub on a nightly basis. He isn't coming home drunk. He is going for a drink with colleagues he doesn't spend much time with anymore, once in a while.
If I've understood your posts right you only have one toddler, not a set of triplets. Most parents can cope without their partner once in a while.

mindutopia · 31/05/2022 23:54

No problem with going to the pub (I often stay a bit later and have a drink or some food on the rare occasion I’m in the office), but I would always let dh know my plans and when to expect me home. It’s common courtesy, but also you just have to communicate and just not assume the other is magically always available to do all the childcare on a given day, unless it’s been discussed in advance.

Louise0701 · 01/06/2022 02:03

Massive reach that going to the pub after work once suggests he doesn’t want to spend time with you or his son. That makes you sound very controlling and it’s concerning you see it that way.
the fact he hasn’t seen your DS all day too is fine; it’s one day.

Why can’t you go on your laptop once your child is asleep? You said your partner went on his laptop at night. Again; there is no issue here.

I get that you’re struggling so things are probably going to seem much bigger issues than they actually are but to be honest; your behaviour and the language you’re using is what drives people away. You need to consider if the reason you feel he is checking out from you is because of this controlling, emotive language you’re using.

littlebunnyboo · 01/06/2022 02:27

Yes it's annoying my partner goes to the pub after work and only comes home when the pub shuts then comes home being abusive and wants me to cook his tea and run him a bath and basically run around for him after 2am ,and I can't cook before he comes home as he says he's not eating old food he as to be in when I cook food, I'm not allowed to go to bed till he does as I get called lazy , he lives in my house and I pay rent and all bills and food shopping he pays nothing only his every night out, he says why should he pay for out it's not his house but he's happy to treat it like its his , I just want to run away, I hate the guy but he just will not go .

CatSeany · 01/06/2022 02:33

I would be annoyed if I wasn't told. After a difficult day I really look forward to my partner being back to share some of the childcare. If they didn't turn up, and then I messaged and found out they were going to be a lot later because of the pub, I'd be upset.

littlebunnyboo · 01/06/2022 02:34

It's an issue with me more as the longer he's out the the anxious I get as that means the more drunk he is the more abuse I get, if he went for just 1 I would not mind but he goes for 7 to 8 hours after work, I've actually forgotten sober him lol