Would this upset you - husband going to the pub after work?

[Thesunisrisingintheeast]

For context, he normally WFH and this brings its own challenges. But today he went to the office which is about an hour and a half away, so he generally doesn’t get in till 7.

Heard nothing from him all day then he rings to say he’s been to the pub.

We have a toddler at home and I’m a bit upset and feeling a bit odd.

I do see what you're saying. i do think it's unfair. but he hasn't done anything worthy of neglect because the child is with the parent and if you did the exact same then the child would be with it's dad so that wouldn't be neglectful either.

seems the problem is the set up where it's always you collecting from nursery. can that be split? why have you become the default?

DH does whatever he wants when he wants. So let’s say I say … OK, I’m going to do the same. I’m going to go to the pub after work. And then DH does the same. What happens to DS then?

I think it’s so important to tell the other person, so they know they need to be home to look after the child. And he was wrong to not let you know he’s going to be late home.

But you have said that you didn’t get much sleep and you wanted him home etc so I feel like if he did text you would have said no or tried to make him feel guilty.
So if this is the case then I can see why he wouldn’t text.

If this was a regular thing I’d say you both should say in advance but it sounds like it’s pretty rare so I don’t think you need to. But he should definitely let you know where he is next time.

I didn't say I didn't communicate?
Both DH and I would always msg the other to say 'going for a drink after work, home around 9'.

I think the key for you OP is to start to split the nursery pick up. Then to start doing other stuff yourself as well. Just say to DH for example, 'there's drinks after work today, can you pick up DS and do bedtime please?'.

Stop acting like default parent and start acting like an equal and reset your family norms.

The child wouldn’t be with the dad though without me ringing up and asking - which kind of is the point.

I am definitely not controlling and I am positive DH would not describe me in this way either. The fact that he was out of the house from 7am to nearly half eight without a word to me is surely indicative of this fact. But I do think some communication is reasonable. It’s obviously different if say you have teens who can be left alone for a bit but when you have a very little child you know that when you’re not with them they are with their other parent and to assume that’s fine for hours and hours and hours isn’t on to me.

Telling me I am ‘controlling’ is just really unpleasant.

And we rarely spend time together. I am exhausted so in bed at the same time as DS. I am up early and sorting everything for the say then off to work and do the nursery run. Sometimes DH helps. Other times he stays in bed.

Then at the end of the day he can finish work when he likes: he hasn’t got to think ‘hey I’d better leave now to get DS.’

And after dinner he gets to chill and watch a box set. I’ve not done that for months. And while he doesn’t get an undisturbed night as DS can wake the dead he gets a lot more sleep than me.

So am I still sounding controlling? Or do people think I might have a point and he’s totally checked out of the relationship.

That all sounds totally shit. big changes needed. Had he messaged yesterday to tell you he was going to the pub, or even if he'd asked permission, it would make no difference at all to this totally unfair set up.

Try not to take it personally, op, the word 'controlling' is thrown around a ridiculous amount on mumsnet. Really makes a mockery of actual controlling relationships imo.

It does sound like things are very unfair in your relationship. I'm assuming you've discussed this with him? If he's not interested in a fair/equal relationship then I guess it's up to you whether you want to put up with it or not.

It would be a start. It would be showing some consideration and some acknowledgement of the fact that I am run ragged.

And there are other things that can and should be changed but the pub yesterday really upset me. And if that makes me controlling, a stupid overreacting cow or whatever so be it. I’m not asking if I’m unreasonable. I’m saying how I feel.

i think the "controlling" comments were because you said you thought going to the pub meant he didn't want to see you and your child or care about you. i don't think you actually do think that though

Can someone watch your son so you can properly talk about this with your DH?

And after dinner he gets to chill and watch a box set. I’ve not done that for months.

Why is this?

After dinner today go and lie on the sofa and watch Netflix and ask him to sort the baby out, wash up etc or whatever you usually do.

@SuziSecondLaw its honestly so hard just finding the time. I wanted to talk to him last night but DS was completely ridiculous (in fairness he’s not normally THAT bad) but just the same things are so difficult.

I do partly take responsibility for the fact things are like this because I’ve allowed them to be, the problem is I was on my own for a long time before I met DH and I am not very good at asking for help. But it isn’t just the practical stuff. I feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with me. Like we’re living parallel lives.

I can’t do that @Onwards22 because DS wakes at 11. If I go to bed at half ten I’ll get 3 hours sleep. If I go at 8 I might get six. I can’t function on three. I can just manage on around 6.

No @40andlols i do think that. I think he doesn’t give a shit about either of us, and he probably regrets meeting me and having DS.

why can DH not do the 11pm wake?

Really ? 😂

Oh okay. That's a really shitty place to be.

I mean, I could have written this 15 years ago. I left him and got every other weekend to myself. The other 11 days and nights were knackering but at least I got a break.

Obviously that may not be right for you though. It's not an easy decision and definitely not one to make without talking first

You don’t have to do it all. Stop. Ask for help.

Your husband shouldn’t have to be told but evidently he does. Split nursery pick ups. Split cooking. Split bed time etc etc.

You need to make some time for yourself. You are one of two parents. Don’t enable your husband to opt out of his 50%.

It gets so tiring women being labelled 'controlling' in situations like this. It's the partner who is being controlling – passively controlling – by knowing full well (because he does know), the restrictions that parenting puts on your life and knowing full well that it should be 50% his responsibility, yet he chooses to passively pass the majority of his share of the responsibility to you. He is the one placing restrictions (control) on your life by his behaviours.

"You're not going to the pub to socialise after work" – actively controlling
I will do what I like, as I please and without communication, because then I give my wife no choice but to pick up my slack – passively controlling

Ouch, you are in a bad place, understandably.

I have, in the past, invented reasons why DH is behaving as he is. When I have eventually discussed it, I discovered he is thinking nothing of the sort. Actually, thinking nothing at all! Just drifting along.

You must have a chat with him about the equality of the parenting workload and ask him to work with you to become more equal. Fingers crossed he does a 'oh, I hadn't even thought, I am so sorry, let's work out a new schedule together that is fairer'. Can you do it over a bottle of wine this (long) weekend when DS is in bed?

I don't mean to sound critical but I don't understand why you're so run ragged with one child? Why can't you watch tv in the evening?

Op don't expect a lot of supportive replies on here because nearly everyone is a 'cool wife' 😴. I was in the same situation when my daughter was a baby . Didn't hear off her father until the next day a few times . It does make you feel lonely and as if they have gone off you . This should be a time where you both should connect more but it does the complete opposite more times than not unfortunately. You need to put your foot down with your husband . Tell him say Tuesday Thursday and Saturday nights are his to sort the baby out and also Sunday morning so you can have a lay in . The not letting me know he's gone to the pub would
Of pissed me right off

Because she goes to bed at 8pm when her DS gos to bed since he sleeps poorly and her DH does not handle the night wakings.

No I think he should have said what he was planning. Years ago long before mobiles people used the office phone to say they would be late in the 1960s... it's just basic manners. He's basically told you he's the big man.

The op needs to sleep train her toddler. Endless night waking are ridiculous.

To be fair the husband sounds useless and should do more.

However, one child should not be so difficult to manage.

Why would anyone recommend sleep training? That’s cruel. They get there when they get there (I say this as someone who’s 2 out of 3 DC didn’t start sleeping through until they were almost 4).