The cost of dating- I spent £50 last night!

[Okclaro]

It takes me a while to feel comfortable going back to someone’s or having them to me but this can’t keep up 😬

That was dinner, two drinks and a taxi home.

It wasn't even about common sense, i wanted to get to know him so asked about his job, where he grew up etc. I did stop asking men about what their jobs were after that one though

Don't feel you have to stop 40andlols! It's a perfectly sensible question for several reasons, and provided you ask it in the right way nobody should object to it. Anyone who thinks it automatically means you're after their money is probably a bit embittered and best avoided.

Exactly...only a raging misogynist would assume it was because you're 'assessing resources'. It's a perfectly normal conversation point.

Either you can afford to date the person you are seeing or you can't, it's that simple surely. You expect to take a hit at the beginning because you are either willing to invest the time and money for the long term goal or you are not.
If £50 for an evening out seems a lot to you, do something else less expensive.

There a words for those kind of women expecting men to pay, it called Golddiggers, and extremely old fashion, women expect to treated equally when they it suits them, maybe pay for men's meal, or take it turn, even by cheaper lipstick.

@DontBlameMe79 and others saying the man should pay, do you have adult sons? Do you expect them to pay all the time? It gets expensive.

DH and I met 30+ years ago. We always went halves in the beginning, then one drove, one paid or one bought drinks and one dinner...

I agree with this, if a man doesnt pay for a first date with me he never got a second. I'm now 10yr married with 3children and my dh is amazingly supportive. When the children are older I will go back to work. My dh said to me it's our family our money.

I know friends who either always paid half or all of first dates the ones who then went on and married or had children with these men complain of their partners lack of financial support when they were on maternity leave and when they had to spend money on all things child related. Most resented each other and most have now separated or divorced....
Not all, but most.

I don't disagree with @DontBlameMe79 I actually think it's sad that so many women don't feel worthy enough for the man to wine and dine them. Men like the thrill of the chase. If a man doesn't want to pay for a date with you, he doesn't think you're worth it in which case why would you even date such a loser. Stop dating losers.

The world takes all sorts.

I think those looking for the man to pay (ie need / want / think they deserve financial support) will find the men who want to pay (ie who can now take an early position of relationship power).

Those more enlightened souls who are thankful we left the 1950s behind us, believe in financial independence and have worked hard to achieve it... will always go halves as a matter of principle.

Tend to find each camp abhors the other (ie that man is tight, I'm the prize / that women is a gold digger looking to improve her lot because she can't do it herself) and don't progress beyond date 1.
Which is fair enough and best for all concerned.

Plenty of men have dating options, you're not the only one making early assessments.

The date who expects to be paid for may rapidly fall down the pecking order vs your competition because you don't appear independent.

Just a thought

Absolutely not true in my experience.

Have you been taken on many dates? 😬

Expecting men to pay on dates is really not about the money, for me anyway. It’s a test that I’ve found useful to weed out early men I’m unlikely to want to date long term anyway. Probably not a perfect screen but what is. I don’t care if they earn less than me either, I still expect it.

The mistake I hear many make with this strategy is then feeling indebted to the man. I am completely unmoved by it and owe them nothing beyond a thank you.

If you can’t do this and feel it sets up a debt or power imbalance, find another strategy

As a bloke I can report@mihimagna that if I'm really interested in a woman I'll happily pay for her initially as a gesture, but if she's in about the same financial position as me then I'll rapidly lose interest if she doesn't at least offer to pay soon afterwards. As @alwaysmovingforwards says, she'll fall down the pecking order if despite having the cash she expects me to pay for everything, as that suggests an entitled personality who wouldn't be long term relationship material. If she's poor of course, that's different.

Pickme alert.

Quite a exaggeration there.
We need feminism to protect from (or mostly after) male violence, bodily autonomy and basic human rights and independence.

Not from men paying for cup of tea, or whatever.

You are totally unhinged.

@Suprima

Yes, plenty.

A date with other options has those options for a reason - and hence is worth dating.

A date with no other options... well they've got no other options for normally good reasons that are normally pretty clear pretty quickly, so it's a thanks but no thanks from me.

This thread is such interesting insight into how people date (glad I’m not anymore 😬). OP, I think your realisation is totally true: it’s expensive to go out, date or not. It’s definitely about £75-100 for Dh and I to have dinner out. This is why we don’t do it often. Meeting for a drink or coffee is the way to go, I think.

That said, I would not expect a man to pay for me nor would I want him to. It’s uncomfortable. And not that I’m dating anymore, but I think the sorts of men who would expect to pay all the time would not be the sort of men who would be a good fit for me. Dh said that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I was ambitious and independent. That’s why we work so well together. I agree with the PP that there are probably more traditional set ups that work better for other people, and that’s fine if everyone’s happy with that, I suppose.

@pixie5121

Not sure what your comment means?

That my point exactly.

There's no right or wrong really, just people finding their compatibility.

FDS was the only pro-women place I’ve ever seen.

You can’t compare women’s group (even if YOU think they are toxic) to any men.
Women are no danger to men.
Men are to women.

Misandry isin’t a thing.

HTH

Also to other poster’s.
The 50’s are calling is really boring by now, isin’t.

If you want to pay, pay.
But not all women have to be fool’s like you are.
No reason to get mad.

'Either you can afford to date the person you are seeing or you can't, it's that simple surely. You expect to take a hit at the beginning because you are either willing to invest the time and money for the long term goal or you are not.
If £50 for an evening out seems a lot to you, do something else less expensive.'

This sums it up for me. I last dated in the 80s - ok I 'knew' the guys I dated before our first dates since we met in real life. Back then it was already old fashioned to assume a man would pay for a date. Some did the first time but it didn't sit well with me. I prefer to be an equal with any partner. Once you're in a relationship and can talk more freely re finances, then you can work out an arrangement that suits you both. In the meantime, suggest an activity you can afford.

'Grab' coffees? Why do you need to 'grab' them?

Yep