I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

[Jolie654]

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

"At times he seems angry and resentful though, which is unsurprising given I guess he was having his cake and eating it before! But then at other times he seems to really want to make it work. Physically though there is just no relationship there. I don’t think it will return. I worry he’ll just be thinking of the OW."

He's still in love/thinking about OW, but he won't admit it to himself and is too much of a coward to do the right thing and move on.

I'm not sure how a relationship can last if there is no connection. It all just seems a waste of time and just waiting for things to happen, instead of being proactive and grasp the future you really want.

Do you love him? Surely not. He is the worst sort of man and husband.

You say that you still don't know whether it will work long term when it is clear to any impartial observer that it will not. Either you will end it now or he will end it when he rekindles the affair or begins another one. If you are inevitably facing eventual separation wouldn't it be satisfying and empowering to take the initiative and end it now, yourself, on your terms? Please don't waste any more of your life on him.

@justfiveminutes he’s all I’ve ever known. Do I love him? Hard question to answer given I don’t know who he is anymore. It’s like it’s his body and a totally different person.
I know he has checked up on the OW online since but no contact. Not often and he doesn’t know I know.
I feel sometimes it’s only a long shared history and DC keeping us together. He hasn’t been in a great place either, struggling with work. Very depressed, as I am obviously. Whether that’s guilt or missing her I don’t know, but he hasn’t tried to restart anything.

For us long as you stay with him he will always cheat in you. You will always be last on his list because he doesn’t care about you.

Moreover, do you want your children growing up, watching him behave like this over and over again? Watching him treat you like shit continuously? Watching him spend money on some random women which he should be spending on his children? If you stay with him, your children will suffer in so many ways.

Also, you need to get your self checked out for and STD’s he may have given you.

You need to protect yourself from this predator. You need put your self and your children first. Remember, even if you still love him, love is never enough. You and your kids can have better lives without him.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

So what that you have a shared history and kids together - look how very badly he is treating you in this very moment! I can imagine this is so hard for you, with the shared history, but there is the possibility of a whole new life without him.

I was reading a thread on here the other day, (has MN negatively impacted your relationship), and someone made a very interesting point. They said they had learned how vitally important sex in marriage is.

For me sex is the elephant in the room in your relationship.

You can certainly cope. Kick him out. You’ll be fine.

What? No, the elephant in the room is his never ending philandering!! OPs partner shockingly bad behaviour is in no way her fault.

SnoozyLucy7
What? No, the elephant in the room is his never ending philandering!! OPs partner shockingly bad behaviour is in no way her fault.

I am not apportioning blame. My comment was that any marriage/relationship that does not have intimacy is dead in the water. It's just a case of when it is declared dead.

@SnoozyLucy7 yes I totally get that. He has treated me appallingly but because he has been so repentant, and making more of an effort, I feel like her cares more now. But of course it is probably guilt. That’s what I mean when I said as things go more back to ‘normal’ is becomes harder in a way.

he was very disengaged before discovery and now he is more engaged in the marriage, but I just worry it won’t last.

If he won't answer all of your questions fully and honestly, even though that involves talking about OW, I question whether he is truly repentant. If he really valued you as his wife he would be laying it all out on the table so that you can fully work through what happened and start to build again from the ground up.

That doesn't seem to be what's happening here. He's doing the least he can get away with that he thinks will restore the status quo. Then from that point he'll cheat again because he knows that the consequences for doing so are minimal. He's cheated repeatedly and hasn't been totally honest an open as I set out above, this guy deserves to lose his family quite frankly.

That doesn't seem to be what's happening here. He's doing the least he can get away with that he thinks will restore the status quo. Then from that point he'll cheat again because he knows that the consequences for doing so are minimal. He's cheated repeatedly and hasn't been totally honest an open.

Spot on. This is exactly my reading of the situation.

The question is, when all the dust has settled, what would have changed to make him act differently in the future?

What is "normal" for you? From the outside, it looks like normal for your marriage is you being oblivious to his lies and cheating. This isn't a relationship of love, lust and loyalty. Everything you say for you both screams fear, guilt and desperation. Why keep this going? It's hard to see what you're trying to save. I dont think you even know. It won't ever be "normal" again because that obliviousness is gone forever.

I would forgive him once. Why should someone like a mistress ruin my happy marriage of 7 years and my happy relations of 11 years and steal my husband I love and the father of my 2 children they love?

I would fight for my happy future and give him one LAST chance.

But if it happened 2nd time, I would divorce him and find a loyal and honest husband.

Of course it won't last. You can look forward to a life of hyper vigilance, anxiety and zero trust. If you ever did slip into normal life, he will surely become bored and do the same again. If you honestly want to live like that, then go ahead.

Hypothetical question OP, you dont even have to answer, but you should ask YOURSELF, if your DH mental state declines even further and he gives up his job and mskes no effort to find a new one, essentially leaving you to ve the Breadwinner, would you still be THIS torn about whether to leave or stay?

Im struggling to see the value for you in this relationship (and please FGS leave the "we stay together for the kids" BS out), I suspect you might have gotten accustomed to a specific Lifestyle which is why you seem sooo obsessed with another woman swooping in. The fact is, he has chosen another woman over you, repeatedly. The fact that youre on him like white on rice, making it impossible for him to contact her doesn't mean he wont do it. Also you'd be surprised, it might be even more romantic for those two to send each other letters. So while youre busy stalking his devices, he has found a new way to stay in touch with OW

She has found out now that he hasn’t done it just the “once”. He’s done it so many more times than that! He’s a serial cheater. Why would the OP forgive this unforgivable behaviour- so she and her children can suffer in perpetuity?

AND no one can steal someone’s husband/partner/boyfriend - he willingly took part in these affairs, in fact, it sounds like he persued these romances himself.

@LoekMa I agree I find it interesting although there has been several affairs it is only the recent that seems to be concerning OP as that is the one where there was the most threat of him leaving.

there’s a certain element of ‘winning’ I think over the OW initially but it’s futile. He was acting purely on actual desire with OW, and out of duty now.

why stay with someone who is only doing it out of guilt and feeling as though they ‘have’ to. Either for money or access to DC. It is not love or respect.

I think there is a wanting to keep the lifestyle element and also not wanting OW to benefit from that. I’d rather have a bit less money and someone who actually loves and respects me.

@Successgirl2022 yes OP found out about all affairs in one go I think. But there were multiple instances of his cheating just the latest seemed to also be emotional.
I mean, even finding out he was ‘just’ having sex with someone else long term or at all would be enough for me but there we are.

I mean this is like watching a car crash in slow motion.
I’d be interested to see when it eventually all falls apart which it inevitably will.

you can’t base decisions on fear and desperation. Seems like OP and her DH are in masses amounts of denial.

It's quite extreme to be that scared of being on your own that you'll put up with all he's done. Sounds like you need counselling yourself so you can work out what terrifies you.
He's all you've ever known? Yes that makes it harder. Do you have your own friends and interests aside from him, or have you made your life just about him? I'm getting a sense that you've been too dependent on him, it's quite unbelievable and sad that you're still there after all this time.
Have you accepted that while he's working so hard, ( a fact you've mentioned a few times) some of those hours could well be when he's with other people? - pretty obvious, but you don't seem to acknowledge it.
If he 'worked' long hours, then spent time in the gym, where was he finding the time to be a good dad? I think you're looking for excuses not to end it there, as it doesn't add up.
On the plus side, if he earns well and money is not an issue, you should be able to to get more than half of a good amount ofassets in a divorce, a lot leave with less. Doubtless he knows this too, which is a big incentive for him to stay.

Get counselling and support to leave, or agreee to sleep separately, and have an open marriage where you get as much free time to do your own thing as he does, essentially co-parenting while in the same house. Trying to get back what you never really had is going to be a death by a thousand cuts over a long period of time, it's never going to work, you need new rules at the very least, not clinging onto an ideal notion that never existed with him anyway.
I hope for the sake of you and your DC, you get fed up of trying at some point and give it up, as you know it's wearing and there's no end to it, save your energy for your DC, they are more worthy of it.

Quite frankly if he has been having affairs for the entirety of the marriage (I think?) then that’s partly what’s been keeping it going. He’s been getting needs met elsewhere. Why would your marriage suddenly improve now the trust is totally gone, you’re both miserable, neither of you are satisfied and he can no longer outsource whatever needs weren’t getting met.

im not victim blaming just an observation.

i was a close observer of a situation like this. I was best friend to the mistress. It was so messy, there were threats of publicity and financial irregularities.
He could not stop himself from trying to get off with other women when he between 'regulars'

The only person he loved was himself, he was at the centre of all his life, not his children or his business.
@Jolie654 I read what you say about trying Counselling and hope it works but you must be realistic how you analyze the progress he is making. Be warned, he might want sex as a reward for taking part and then he will probably want to make you pregnant as a way of 'owning' you all over again. Remember what it was like before?

@wandawhy thanks, I doubt he’ll want another baby though given he wasn’t hugely keen on having DC originally.
we’re not having sex and he hasn’t actually even initiated or tried to, and it’s the last thing on my mind.

@Jolie654 well you're not having sex. You don't actually know about him, but going by past behaviour there's a good chance he's sorted.

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