I think husband loved his mistress. Don’t know whether to stay or go.

[Jolie654]

I am (38)f and my husband is (41)m.

Discovered a few months ago he was having an affair that had been going on for nearly a year. But he had also cheated with multiple women throughout our marriage whilst financially supporting them, and had a couple of flings even before we got married. Appeared to be mainly for sex. Even whilst I was pregnant. I was devastated and still in complete shock.

We have two children under 5. Married for 7 years together for 11 years.

I never suspected about the others, feel like an idiot now, but he had been preoccupied, spending less time at home, suddenly started going to the gym etc etc and emotionally distant for a while before I discovered the most recent AP, and so I went looking, found evidence although he’d been pretty good at covering his tracks!

He confessed everything in terms of the facts but tried to protect the most recent AP. Found out who she was though and she is younger and as much as I hate to admit, extremely attractive and I just feel completely worthless in comparison.

Found out later that he bought her a gift worth tens of thousands of pounds. He ended it with her when I found out but because I told him to essentially, I was in a panic, I think he was too, but they had been in contact before then after I found out. Don’t know if he would have necessarily done otherwise. He’s now doing and saying the ‘right’ things, going to counselling. Says he wants to stay, but just don’t know if it’s for the right reasons.

He admitted it was very different with her, won’t admit he loved her, but the evidence suggests otherwise IMHO. I don’t know what to think. Sex is one thing but I just can’t get over this. She clearly has deep feelings for him too. They’ve been NC as far as I know, he has at least given me access to everything now.

I think he is only staying with me for the kids. He just seems emotionally shut down, for obvious reasons I don’t feel like he’s staying out of love for me! And obviously he’s now feeling guilty, but clearly there was a reason why he went looking for this. Admittedly our marriage hasn’t been great, hardly any intimacy for years but I thought generally we were making it work and we have young kids. He works a lot.

I don’t know what to do. Did he love her? How can I live with it. I just don’t know right now if I can cope with being a single mum. But also wondering if he’s missing her and would have been with her otherwise and just feels trapped.

Hi op. I've been through something very similar. My advice would be to cut your losses now. You will never regain what you had. You will be forced to watch him mourn the loss of his mistress and then humiliated all over again when he inevitably does it again. Show him that he can't trample all over you and expect forgiveness, that you are made of stronger stuff than he bargained for.

Hand on heart - has he chosen you becomes he loves and wants you more, or because staying means keeping his reputation, his kids, his home comforts, his full intact income and assets? Let him go or you will waste your whole, one life on him.

Thank you. So sorry you’ve been through this as well. Did you try to reconcile at all? Or did you just know it was over pretty early on?
it’s been a few months now and I just don’t think things are improving.

I think in all honesty given the way he’s behaved in regards to most recent AP… I just don’t feel deep down that he loves and wants me more. It might have been different if he’d ended it of his own accord and confessed. Not excusable obviously, but different. But that’s not what happened. He wasn’t exactly in a rush to give her up. Quite the opposite.

How are things now, OP?

He's never going to stop, whether it's with this one, the next one or the one after. Get your ducks in a row and divorce.

@Letitbe1 feels like it’s been ages since I posted this!
thanks for asking. Things very up and down, but we are still together for now. As far as I know he has cut off all communication with the OW. The difficulty I have is how things are going to feel when it all goes back to ‘normal’. You get so caught up in the drama and the hurt then when normal life kicks in it somehow just feels more depressing and desolate than ever.

I mean, positives are that I’m not so concerned with OW. I was getting trapped in a cycle of comparing and feeling insecure and wondering if it was me… but then she wasn’t the only one.

I still wonder if I’m in denial about it all. In a way whilst he’s apologising and going out of his way to try and reassure me it helps. But when that all stops, what is there? I worry that I’m going to have nothing to look forward to but anxiety and stress. I feel like we’re just existing right now. Going through the motions.

the fact he was doing this for so long and I didn’t even realise has just shocked me so much. Thank you for asking.

I'm sorry @Jolie654 but he will do it again at some point. He's slept with several other women throughout your entire relationship and even when you were pregnant? And then had a serious affair. It's unforgivable. You need to get out for the sake of you and your children. Don't let them grow up thinking it's okay for their father to treat their mother like this. And you shouldn't accept this treatment either.

@tinglymint yes when I was pregnant… 🙁

it still feels relatively new. We are trying counselling. He won’t talk about his feelings for the OW. Gets very defensive and doesn’t see the point in it as he says it’s over and he wants to work on the marriage so it shouldn’t matter.

we are back sleeping the same room
but the thought of any intimacy makes me so stressed. He doesn’t seem physically attracted to me at all. I’m not sure if it can be repaired.

we tried to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible for DC. But the idea of leaving still terrifies me.

The man is a serial adulterer - no woman should put up with that. Change the locks and put him out. Demand half the house and proper maintenance. Then get a life for yourself and the kids. Period!

Christ, how dreadful that you’re still allowing this man to humiliate you and rob you of years of your life. Hope the counsellor has in-house STD testing 🤢

Does ‘as normal as possible’ mean Dad being ‘at the gym/working late’? Did you not read ChumpLady? Doesn’t sound like the shagger has done much to try to not be a fundamentally disgusting person. Good luck with that.

But I didn’t know the full nature of the latest one until more recently, ie, that he obviously had feelings for her, even that he tried to hide. Tried to protect her. So again, another blow.
Read your posts back , quote-'the latest one' if you stay where do you draw the line ? this lying ,deceitful cheat will just move on to yet another one ,meanwhile you are going to end up a bitter ,lonely shadow of your former self.
Get some self respect ,use your inner strength and rid yourself of this truly awful example of a husband and father.
Your kids will know the truth eventually you owe it to them too .

How humiliating … it’s SO not fair on you OP, I’m surprised you’re putting up with this.

Id be absolutely consumed with anger and resentment.

He won’t talk about his feelings for the OW. Gets very defensive and doesn’t see the point in it as he says it’s over and he wants to work on the marriage so it shouldn’t matter.

This is a pretty big red flag that it’s not going to work. In order to process and move past whatever causes him to seek out affairs, he needs to acknowledge and reflect on his feelings honestly, even (especially) the difficult ones. Avoiding discussion of what happened means the thinking patterns that led him to choose to have affairs are not addressed.

@CheekyHobson i agree. Though sometimes I’m conflicted as to how much I really want to know. I always found the emotional aspect harder to deal with than a physical affair.
I still don’t know if it will work long term.

@Jolie654 it's a fact that it's worse for children of parents stay together just for them. It gives them the wiring model of relationships and the fighting and arguing is stressful and harmful to them.

You need to leave for you and your children. You all deserve happiness you have 1 life don't let it be a miserable one x

If you stay in this marriage, it will go one of several ways and none of them good. You will be forced to turn a blind eye WHEN he does it again which is both humiliating and emotionally damaging. Or he will leave YOU for someone else when the old 'mother of my children' thing is not so relevant and when your chances of building a life will be much narrower than they are now. Or some OW blows the whole thing up amongst your children, family and friends. Or all three happen. He is a pig, I would have had some bit of respect for him if he had left for the woman he had feelings for and took the hit on family life and his own comforts

You deserve better. If he is only staying for the kids (or because he gets to act like a single guy and doesn’t have to pay child/spouse maintenance) he is just biding his time until they are grown and then he will leave. You are only 38, still young enough to easily start over. It will be much harder when you are in your 50’s.

He is a habitual cheat. Kick him out.

He needs to go. You deserve better than this prick.

sometimes I agree with what you mean when you say you would have respected him more if he’d left. At least there would have been some actual clarity as to how he felt. Because he was behaving one way with her and then essentially went back on everything, it makes it almost impossible to reconcile how what he’s saying now with what he did and was behaving before I found out.
no idea which ‘version’ is true, given he is now saying whatever he can to reassure me.

I believe he has ended it with her but things are obviously still very strained.

He's checked out emotionally.
He should have been gone and left to get on with his OW, and at the same time you move forward down another path in life.
I feel like you are wasting time with this person by staying together long term.

Jesus OP - you need to leave - he is the worst husband.

Hey OP it sounds like an awful situ.

this poster has summed it up: Or he will leave YOU for someone else when the old 'mother of my children' thing is not so relevant and when your chances of building a life will be much narrower than they are now.‘

You are stil young and can start again. If you spend 15 years miserable years with your H and he leaves you as the children are older, what will that feel like?

please think about leaving. Forgetting what he is done or what he wants. Think. About what you want.

I think he is simply doing whatever is the least hassle for him, honestly. Telling you and no doubt her whatever it takes to get you to not give him too much grief or force a situation where there can be no doubt as to what kind of person he is. It is this sort of cowardliness and lack of balls which I think would infuriate me most of all. I had an affair myself, which was bad enough, but at least I left (and NOT for the other man but because I couldn't continue to be with someone I didn't love) and I didn't duck and dive once I was caught. I think men in particular want to have it all ways, time you showed him he can't.

@theleafandnotthetree potentially - I wouldn’t necessarily say that what we going through is easy! But I’m guessing life with the OW was too much of an unknown, didn’t want to risk seeing DC less…
a lot of it probably down to guilt. At times he seems angry and resentful though, which is unsurprising given I guess he was having his cake and eating it before! But then at other times he seems to really want to make it work. Physically though there is just no relationship there. I don’t think it will return. I worry he’ll just be thinking of the OW.
my feelings are so up and down just trying to reach a period of more relative stability and calm so I can think clearly.