My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

How are you this morning op?

How are you op x

@mike1970s Do you think it might be worthwhile sending your brother the link to this thread? He sounds like a decent man and it may help him and you to read it.

I'm so sorry that you are going through so much pain, there's very little that I can say other than to encourage you to try and stop the self blame. You need to be remember that the blame is entirely hers alone. Be kind to yourself OP

Hi all, thanks again for your support and for asking after us, it means a lot. She got back around 3am today. I just pretended to be asleep.

Today she has been acting completely normal, to the extent I am doubting myself, because I don't know how she can lie with such ease. I asked her how "Jane" was (the friend she was claiming to be meeting) and she had no problem with answering me in such a casual and natural way. Now maybe it's because I'm such a bad liar (my mum would always quiz me instead of my brother, because she knew I would be incapable of lying without stuttering and looking exceptionally guilty, lol), but I am so amazed by how she can be so believable.

So now I think that maybe I am wrong about what I thought I saw the other day. Although yesterday evening I phoned the household of my wife's friend (whose husband I thought she might be... with) and asked to speak to him. I thought if he was at home, then I would know that I had been mistaken about the whole thing. But he was "out with friends", according to his daughter. I don't know what possessed me to even phone in the first place. And really it proves nothing, of course two people can be out at the same time and not be together, especially on a Friday night.

So I don't know, maybe I was just mistaken the other day. Maybe it was a new kind of seizure symptom or a reaction to the medication or something. Because she has acted so normally and I just don't know how she could possibly be lying. Especially to our son. And so convincingly too. I feel so guilty for ever even thinking she could be cheating, when it is obviously just me being wrong, as per usual. I always have been an idiot, lol.

I am so sorry to have wasted everyone's time, because I am pretty certain now that I was just being stupid. I probably just had a seizure and thought I saw something afterwards. My dad used to always call me the village idiot, lol, cos I am honestly so stupid a lot of the time. I make so many idiotic mistakes, and I am pretty sure this was just another one. I am sorry to have taken up everyone's time with my nonsense. When she met my parents for the first time my dad warned her that "95% of what he says will be unadulterated drivel". It was embarrassing, but not wrong, lol.

Mike1970s: I don't mean to upset you further, but you're in denial. (See "Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.) Trust me, I've been there... My husband's f*tress was also married and we were friends with her and and her husband. Heck, we'd even gone on holiday with them! Twice!! She'd brought me lasagne when I was home from the hospital with my newborn. She pretended to be so nice-y nice, and...all the while...she was screwing my husband. And he was totally normal in his behaviour to me. He lied to my face "had to work away," "big deadline coming up," "this trip is critical" etc. I can only conclude that he got off on the power imbalance and being in control.

I recently had coffee with a former colleague of my husband's (who was in a senior oversight role). I asked him outright why he hadn't told me about the affair, since he worked with husband and the f*tress. I had no proof that he knew, mind you... I was stone-cold bluffing. You should have seen the look on his face!!! He spluttered and said "Well, lots of people knew!" Like that was some kind of defence. Then he said he didn't think it was any of his business. Then he told me that he'd assumed that I'd known and somehow I'd "been okay with it." People will LIE (even to themselves) if they think they're in an awkward situation and they don't know what to do.

I'm filing for divorce next week. I wish you all the strength you're going to need to get out. Can you get her phone??? My husband was using WhatsApp and SnapChat to send messages to his f*tress. You know what the capper was for me? He was angry when he found out that I snooped on his phone and confirmed their affair... which had been going on for more than two? three? years. Google Chumplady; her website lays out the responses you're likely to get (self-pitying victimhood is my husband's favourite go-to reaction, followed quickly by rage) and she also provides great advice on disentangling yourself from the shitshow. Godspeed. 💐

Sorry about the weird italics! Mumsnet didn't like my rude naming convention for the OW. 😂

Mike, you weren't wrong in what you saw. Lots of people can carry on pretending while they're in the middle of an affair. She's putting on a great act and leading you to believe it was nothing. Please speak to your brother and then talk to her. Won't do you any good burying your head in the sand. She's a cheat, no need to snoop, you saw her with your own eyes.

Oops! I agree with CrazyRatLover; you have seen it with your own eyes. (I had to snoop to get any proof.) You don't need any more information than that...

So sorry OP. It sounds like you have moved into the denial phase. I think this will just continue to mess with your head until you admit to yourself and to her that you saw her in the restaurant with him. I wish you all the best. You deserve to be treated so much better than you are.

Yep, you’re in denial. Have a snoop at her phone.
and lets face, where would she actually be at 3am?
did she go out until 3am before all this started?

some people are exceptional liars. It wont be long before she is seeing Jane twice a week. What will you so then?

Yep my H behaved completely normally to me and the kids, lied completely convincingly and without compunction to my face, came home from fucking the ow and greeted me normally etc. All things I’d never have thought he could/would do.

He is horrified and disgusted and ashamed by his behaviour now - he says he was just able to compartmentalise the different parts of his life completely and rationalise the lying as “protecting” me.

You need to understand people having affairs are lying to themselves as much as you, and using all sorts of convoluted reasoning to give themselves permission to behave in the selfish, despicable way they are, and to justify the lying to their family.

It sounds like you have issues from your family of origin to sort out too (as we all do) and whatever you decide to do about your marriage you would benefit from some individual therapy.

I can't quite put my finger on it but I don't believe Mike1970 is a real person...?

Why? It looks too detailed to me to be fake

I am so sorry to hear how many families have been affected by cheating, it is just awful. Though I would never do it, I can almost understand how a married person could have a drunken one night stand, but I just don't understand how or why someone would even start an affair. Is it a midlife crisis thing or just that they don't like their partner anymore/are bored. Or they want to have their cake and eat it.

I think we have maybe become stuck in a rut... although any time I suggest doing something different, even just going for a day trip or something small like that, she never wants to. So it's not like I don't try to get us out of the rut we may be in. Although I am as happy as I have ever been. Well I was anyway.

I think I am going to hire a private investigator to get some third party proof of whether or not I have anything to worry about. I don't want to accuse her of something like that without getting proof first. And I can't bring myself to go through her phone. It is possible it is a new symptom of my epilepsy or something like that. Sometimes I hear or smell things that aren't there or maybe see lights and things, so maybe it is just a new type of hallucination. Or a case of mistaken identity. The woman I saw well I recognised her by her voice first and also she was wearing the same perfume that my wife uses. So maybe when I passed out and then came to, my brain filled in the blanks and saw her, because I was expecting it to be her, based on the voice and perfume. It is a possibility, surely.

My son was out at his friend's house this evening and so my wife tried to initiate sex, but I can't even contemplate it right now. I know the cliche is for men to just want to sleep with as many women as possible, etc, but I find it so incredibly intimate. I could never share such intimacy and passion with more than one person at a time, not with anyone other than the person I loved. I thought she felt the same way.

Yeah, my dad always hated me. I have no idea why, because he loved my brother, so I know he was capable of being a good parent. Definitely he was ashamed of me having seizures in front of people (to the extent he used to punish me for it, lol). It was not as well controlled in childhood, I would have one pretty much daily. He would relentlessly mock me and also punish me for it, which is pretty irrational of him, tbh, as obviously it was far from a choice. I used to HATE myself for it, because I knew how much it disappointed/angered him. He was not a very pleasant person (or not to me anyway, he was nice to others). The stress of being called names or imitated, and also dreading whatever punishment he would dole out absolutely made my symptoms a million times worse. Anyway, it's all in the past now. He has been dead for a couple of years. I don't hold any ill will towards him, and I was lucky to have such a wonderful mum. And my brother and I have always been best friends too, he used to defend me a lot to dad. But my dad was right about the village idiot thing, because I do make a lot of stupid mistakes, lol.

Sorry, I know no-one asked for my life story! I am in a pensive mood lately. Thank you all again so much for sharing the wisdom of your experience and for being so supportive, I appreciate it a lot.

Thanks, Herefortea2! That really helps my current existential crisis, lol. I don't really know how to respond to that.

Is it because you think no-one could possibly be as cowardly as I am being with this situation? I know I am pathetic. I realise that most men would probably confront her and I am being so weak not to, but I don't even know what to believe, let alone what I would say. And I am not prepared for her answer yet anyway. As long as there is a possibility I am mistaken then I will cling to it like a bloody limpet, lol. You never know how you would react in a situation until you are in it yourself.

@mike1970s you must be going through hell and it's awful.
I recently discovered my husband was having an emotional affair (I do believe nothing physical happened) - I managed to continue to lie beside him in bed at night for a week before I confronted him. It was torture lying there at night feeling like I was sharing my bed with a complete lying stranger. It made me ill.
He moved out a few days later, I do feel lonely and terrified but I couldn't have stayed with him.
I hope it works out for you, but you do deserve better.

Didn't mean to reply in a quote sorry

@mike1970s I think you need to go to a counsellor ASAP. Your childhood relationships and low self-esteem have pretty much set you up for failure in adult ones. I have a feeling that your view of yourself is really a reflection of how others view you. You have to integrate that with your core self to live in a genuine way.

You don't need proof. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think a pi might be a good idea in the circumstances however she would probably lie and say its just dinner, not been going on for long, not had sex etc and based on what you’ve told us here you’d cling to those lies.
So you probably do need to check her phone.

OP, why on earth can't you 'bring yourself' to go though your wife's phone? The evidence will be on there, and will tell you everything you need to know.Then you can make a decision what to do next instead of doubting yourself and thinking you may have imagined it.

Dear OP, in the gentlest way please could you consider this? You are becoming ill with worry, you have done nothing to merit this treatment and if you tell her what you saw you will know one way or the other. At the moment, you are eaten up with fear/worry and sadness. Whatever you find out, surely it's better than this? Please say something before you become even more ill.

OP, please go through her phone and if she drives put a tracker on her car which is very discrete but at least you will be able to know the reality and what you are dealing with. Private message me if you need advice on best/ cheapest tracker. I used one which gave great peace of mind after husband had an affair for a year. Re phone, if you put the suspected AP's tel number in search contacts on her phone, it may come up as stored under Aunty Sue or who ever Also look at other Aps within Aps.

Yes it could all be in your imagination due to epilepsy, low self esteem BUT you do need to know!

Or take her for a surprise meal at the restaurant and look at her reaction,