My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It is not your fault at all. She is clearly not a nice person as she is destroying many people’s lives - yours, your son’s and the other man’s wife. Sending you good wishes.

So painful.

I would ask her if there was anything she wanted to tell you about X restaurant last week. Just ask quietly.

I would call and tell the wife of the husband. She deserves to know.
You then have no choice but to tell your wife you saw her. This isn't something you can keep in. She will lie about all the other things/times.
Sorry you are going through this.

@mike1970s

I'm glad you've self certed this week. I get that going back to work will be a distraction. But if you need to go home again, you must. Explain to your boss that there's a family crisis going on and it's affecting your epilepsy meds, so you can't work.

Documents to gather...yours and son's birth certificates/passports. Marriage certificate. House deed (if it's stored with you and not a mortgage company). Any other important stuff-my kids still have bank books, share certificates, academic certificates etc. Put them somewhere in the house where only you know they are. I also got precious photos. Does that give you an idea of where to start?

Don't listen if people come along and tell you to empty bank accounts. They're wrong.

The way she's treated your son 💔 So hard to process that part, isn't it? You thought she loved him as much as you did, but still she put him below the man. It's incomprehensible to those of us who are faithful to the family. That she made repeated choices to do that to him, and you.

Again, it's feelings you have to process. Part of the grief in recognising the woman you were married to is gone and you need to decide if you want to be with this new version of your wife. It's a horrible place to be and my heart goes out to you.

Please try to think of a friend to share this news with. It's really hard to bare alone. I couldn't have walked my journey without a friend walking it with me. I understand the embarrassment feeling, but truly, people don't see that. They want to support you. If a friend shared this news with you, you wouldn't laugh and think "you fool". Instead you would support them and be their listening ear. Allow your friend to do that for you. Even though your brother is abroad, can you call him if there's no one else? Getting yourself support is really important.

All the best for what today brings you.

Keeping this to yourself is driving you crazy. Wether you choose to speak to her or write it down. But she needs to know you know. If I was the other wife I would want to know. But it may come out once you tell your wife anyway. Take one step at a time. She may walk out she may not. You need to think about what you deserve. It’s better than being treated this way I’m sure.

You aren't stupid or pathetic. You aren't at fault either. Your wife is not the kind, lovely, sweet person you thought she was. She is a cold, thoughtless bitch and you need to get a lot more angry than you are.

How dare she do this to you and your son. Ruining a family for a quick shag, and with her friends husband?! So ruining two families. Both of them are horrific people and deserve each other, they certainly don't deserve the loyal partners they have.

She cannot take your son abroad. For one thing he's a teenager so can tell her to bugger off and that he wants to live with you. Even if he was younger, she has no choice, she can't move abroad without your consent, you are his father. You can go to court over that.

Get all documents together so she can't. Mortgage, bills, passports, birth certificates (for both you and your son, sod the bitch), get anything that she could use against you to her solicitor and give it to yours, or lock up somewhere.

Then confront her, and tell the friend as well. I would send the friend a message before I confronted the bitch to be honest, then she can't forewarn her dickhead affair partner and he can't come up with excuses. Neither deserves to come out of this looking well.

Finally no one will think less of you for dumping her. They will think so low of her though, she is going to come out of this with her halo well and truly gone. People may actually think less of you if you forgave her. Don't bother forgiving her, she doesn't care about you and any tears or sorrys will be meaningless. She didn't feel sorry when she shagged him did she?

None of this is your fault. You are not stupid. You have been betrayed deeply. She has lied, been deceitful, and disrespected you and your life. I feel your pain. It is truly shocking. She has betrayed you. She is not loyal. She conveyed qualities that simply are not true.

You've done the right thing to give yourself some time and space. Work can be a good thing as you say. I can't offer any detailed advice but focus now on the practical things that will help you manage and address this situation at a pace that feels right for you.

Okay… Imagine that she’s been discussing your ED with friend’s DH. You need to channel some anger about this betrayal and get your shit together so that you can stop romanticizing her and see her for who she is. You absolutely need to focus on your DS and accept that he would be safer in an environment that is not seething with resentment and simmering pain and take charge. Get all your financial documents in order. Grab the kid’s passport and put it somewhere safe. (Maybe cancel it and claim it’s “lost”.) Stand up for yourself and your DS because she has ultimately betrayed you both.

I would perhaps even tell your friend her husband is cheating even before you let on to your wife.

that way they are both equally blind sided and makes it more difficult to try an lie there way out

I am sorry that must have been an awful shock. I have to say, she isn't a sweet person though - she is also betraying her friend as well as you. This is not your fault.

Thank you all so much. I have made a GP appointment (next Fri, the earliest I could get!) to discuss my medication, cos my seizures have been really poorly controlled since I saw them together, and I don't see it getting any better, with the stress of this. And lack of sleep.

I will see about gathering up the sort of documents people have recommended. My son will be heartbroken if we split up. Well I will be too. But I don't want ruin his relationship with his mum, maybe we could just tell him we drifted apart, because the truth would be so difficult on him. I don't know, maybe he will be angry if he finds out at a later date, and that would be an even bigger betrayal. Probably the truth would be best. But I am tempted to just let it run its course, because I can't face losing her.

I never ever ever thought I would have to deal with something like this. Ever.

Most of my friends are shared friends of us both/husbands of her friends/work people. It is yet more embarrassment on my part, but I don't really have many close friends. I drifted apart from a lot of my childhood and uni friends after getting married, because my wife and I moved to the area where she grew up, which is really quite far from where I am from (and where most of my friends were). I did sometimes visit them at first, but as time went on it just kind of fizzled out. Especially because i can't drive, due to my epilepsy - which has never been well-managed enough to meet the DVLA guidelines, unfortunately. My wife doesn't like hosting people she doesn't know well in the house for more than one night (even though it is big enough that we could very easily do so, she says she feels uncomfortable with "strangers" in her house) and so I didn't really have them to stay with us either. I couldn't exactly ask them to make that journey and then leave after one night. I did sometimes offer to pay for a hotel for them, but we decided that was a waste of money. So I only really saw them when I went to visit my parents, but they've both died in the past few years, so I haven't been down to visit.

I am making a lot of pathetic excuses, when the short answer is that I don't really have any close friends, which is embarrassing to admit! But it has honestly never really felt like an issue, because I mainly spend time with my wife and then maybe the husbands of her friends, work people, etc. So I do have friends, just not close friends.

I am not sure what I will do. I wish my brother was still here, tbh. Maybe I will phone him later. Honestly I would rather just not know. If I could turn back time and arrange to meet in a different restaurant then I would. Ignorance really is bliss.

Mike I am so sorry for your situation, it sounds like you are going through hell at the moment.

I can appreciate some of your stress here, about 10 months ago I found evidence that my wife was involved in an affair. Like you I didn't have total proof but anyone reading between the lines would have no doubts. Without 100% proof I held of talking to her about it for a week or so... It was totally hellish.
I also had previously had 100% faith in my wife and totally love her. The fear of her leaving ate me up inside.
During the waiting time I gathered more evidence from her phone, not someting I am proud of but justified I belive. When I did talk to her it was one of the most stressful thing I have ever done. In my case she immediatly confessed (but by then I had enough evidence that she had little other option). We are still together and working on our relationship. It can be had work at times but I belive had been worth it.

If you are anything like me, not confrunting her will destroy you. You will be eaten alive by the doubt and stress.

Please gather information if you can and then set some time whre your son is not around and have the talk. It will be hard work but I suspect if you don't your life will be miserable.

You have decided that you don't wish to lose her. There will be some on here that will advise you to ditch her... Don't listen to them this is your decision not theirs.

I wish you all the very best.

Mike, please call your brother, how far away is he. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

This ❤ totally agree with last paragraph and statistics prove it!

Don't be embarrassed about drifting away from old friends, it happens. Whatever you decide to do, this could maybe be the impetus to reconnect or try to make new ones of your own (in time, not saying right now). Call your brother though, I'm sure he wouldn't want you suffering in silence, especially if it's affecting your health. I have epilepsy too and know how much this stress must be affecting you x

Your wife doesn't sound that much like the gentle, kind soul you paint her as though, refusing to let your oldest friends stay over once in a while, and deprioritising time with your son to cheat with her friend's husband. The status quo has gone. She doesn't deserve to be on that pedestal. Time to think through your next steps.

Depending how you think this will affect you at work, could you tell your boss in confidence what happened? I'm certain anyone would understand your response and manage any issues that remain with the client. One less thing to worry about maybe?

It sounds like you'll be far better off without her long term to be honest.

LTB

I’m really sorry OP. How unbelievably shit. You do deserve so much better but that decision is yours only to make. It’s possible to rebuild trust, little by little, and it is possible to be truly happy again. You need to talk to her. ♥️

I can’t see anything in your posts indicating you should be ashamed or embarrassed about anything.

Life can be so cruel and unfair at times. You have experienced a massive shock. The way you feel today will change over the next few weeks I’d imagine so therefore my advice would be to let your immediate reactionary emotions settle somewhat (you will go through a range of emotions called the ‘grief or change curve’) before taking your time (probably weeks and months) to figure out what you want and how you’d like to resolve things.

The truth is the only chance of happiness in the long term in my experience.

Please ring your brother OP and confide in him

Bless you OP, even though you're in such agony you're still putting your son's feeling above your own. There seems to be something of a shortage of kind and considerate people in the world. Consider this a sought-after quality, and the supply/demand chain, and expect more for yourself in future relationships. She doesn't deserve your doting love, but someone else will. Why not find them?

So sorry you're going through this. Firstly, I'd ring your brother, get some real life support and get your health as sorted as you can, try and look after yourself as much as possible.

Secondly, I think you really need to confront her. You can't go on like this. And if it helps at all, I think any chance at saving the relationship is highest if you confront now. Otherwise you're giving more time for the relationship to deepen and potentially turn from "just sex" into something more emotional. My exH had an affair for 18 months plus before I found out and by the time I did, it was just too far gone to even think about trying again. I personally think you should split regardless but I can see you aren't at that stage yet (my exH had been an arse for 18 months by the time I found out about his affair so I was quite relieved to know there was a reason for it). I think you need to take things one step at a time.

It's not great (of your wife) that you lost touch with old friends having moved to your wife's hometown. "not liking strangers in the house" sounds a pretty crap reason to not host your friends given your epilepsy preventing you driving and the fact you had moved for her. Then the decision that it was a waste of money to pay for hotels for them - who's suggestion was it that it was a waste of money? It sounds like she could be controlling - you are now in this situation with no close friends and feeling all the more vulnerable for that. It doesn't paint her in a good light.

You mustn't anything out of upset or anger, don't listen to people telling you to immediately up and leave or start divorce proceedings or confront her. That's not a wise decision right now, its not good management, its not in your best interest at this time.

You need to make a plan to get better and heal, get in a better place with your health and wellbeing before confronting her or getting anything in order to leave. it will be less difficult to deal with once its been some time since you discovered this and you're in a better state of mind. There's no need to rush anything as you're in a good position. I think you need to stop paying as much into the joint account if you must to pay for at least one therapy session as they could point you in the right direction.