My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

Oh I'm so sorry, this is devastating for you. Please, call your brother ❤️

Phone your brother, I think that's a really good idea.

I'm in the same position you are in right now, no signs and totally happy.

You didn't do anything, this is on and only her.

She cheated because she knew she could get away with it. She not nice or loyal.

You sound lovely and you deserve so much more mate.

Nothing much to add because it's all been said up post. Just sending you solidarity and strength to do what's best for you.

Nothing much to add because it's all been said up post. Just sending you solidarity and strength to do what's best for you.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry you are going through this. Definitely not your fault and you deserve better.

Call your brother or someone else irl, you need support!

OP, it has indeed all been said. But just another voice saying that this is not your fault. It's nothing to with your epilepsy or sexual performance, or anything at all. My DP sometimes has ED and various other health conditions, and I'd sooner cut my limbs off than have an affair with anyone else (and I am not in fact judgy about affairs, not least as I had one when I was married). Affairs happen for all kinds of very complex reasons, but it is never just one person's "fault" - so you absolutely mustn't blame yourself. You do need to talk to someone in real life who cares about you, as you will probably only get denials and dissemination from your wife if you ask her. I hope you find a way through this.

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot. I have felt so alone since last week. Normally I would speak to my wife if I had a problem, obviously that's not quite possible here.

I am sorry to hear so many people are in/have been in the same situation, but thank you all for sharing your experience.

I phoned my brother this evening, but couldn't say the words. He obviously knew something was wrong and kept asking, but I just couldn't talk about it. He was concerned enough that about an hour after our phone call I got an email from him saying that he had just spoken to his wife and is going to book some time off work and fly out to visit. So hopefully he will be here in a week or so (not sure how much notice his work requires for booking time off). So that will be great to see him. I do miss him a lot.

In the meantime I am just trying to get through each minute and act as normal as possible, for the sake of my son.

She is going out again tomorrow night. "With friends". Our son is annoyed because we normally always get takeaway and watch a film together on a Friday night (we have very boring lives!), and this is the 3rd week in a row she will miss it. I wonder if HE suspects something, because I noticed he was asking a lot of questions about who she would be meeting, didn't she just see them recently, where did she say she was going, etc. I had to walk away, because I wanted to scream, watching her openly lie to his face. How could she even do that to him? He has been betrayed here too, and that makes me so angry with her. I thought she put him above everything, but clearly not. He deserves better than this BS. Lying to her child's face is so far removed from the woman I married, it is like she has been possessed or something.

also, it is unfair of me not to explain that she didn't like my friends staying overnight because she sometimes gets anxiety around people she doesn't know well. She wasn't trying to keep me from seeing them or anything. She was the one who suggested the hotels were a waste of money, but it was a joint decision, so I should have spoken up if i felt strongly about it. I didn't exactly make enough of an effort to maintain my friendships, so it is unfair of me to blame her for that.

I'm so, so pleased that your brother is coming to see you. He must care so deeply for you to have noticed you need him even though you couldn't find the words (which is understandable).

Can I suggest that your wife’s anxiety may very well be convenient cover for being a controlling arsehole?
I bet if you and DS moved back to where you’re from, you’d drift back into friendships.
Also, don’t be embarrassed. YOU haven’t cheated. When it gets out that they are cheating with each other, all the mutual friends will ice them. I think you may need your brother’s help gaining the confidence to confront them both. (And let his wife know.)

I’m very sorry for your situation. I appreciate you are in shock. But you really must find the courage and vocabulary to give voice to what you saw. Me (having experienced similar), I immediately booked to see a therapist on my own, poured it all out, and when I said it out loud to a stranger, I was able to piece together the words to challenge my now-exh. There is great power in finding your voice. It can be simple; it does not need to be complicated. ‘I saw you with Adam in x restaurant on y date.’ And silence is incredibly powerful too - use it to force her to respond. You do not need to think beyond that, unless you are crystal clear about what you want. Do not endure this dreadful feeling over the weekend. Whatever happens, your life will change, so you might as well take an assertive position in outing this relationship, as you will truly suffer more cuts with every day you wait.

I wish you every strength.

Re: friends- as a man if you are working all day away from home, it’s easy to become a home-body and, after a long day relax with the wife and kids at home and let friendships slide.

I’ve done it myself.

Whatever becomes of your marriage you need to start looking for other social outlets. I know it’s difficult as you get older (and not being able to drive makes it harder) - but needs to be done.

You sound like a very good man that your wife doesn’t deserve. Glad your brother is coming. I think you’re doing the right thing, taking things slow until you’ve wrapped your head around what’s happened—what a shock—and figured out things.

She’s betrayed you and she’s betrayed her friend whose husband she’s sneakily sidled up to. And your son. She could be spending time with him instead of cheating on her husband and family.

Stay strong.

I'm so sorry to hear this, I can't imagine how sick you must feel. But also stop blaming yourself, this isn't your fault. If there are issues in your relationship then she should talk to you and decide what to do and not cheat.

You sound lovely and if you decide to split because you can't forgive or trust her again you'll have a chance to date and meet someone else. She's not the only woman in the world.

Well done on ringing your brother. That must have been a hard phone call to make. No wonder you miss him, he must get you enough to know you need him right now and he's on his way.

That must have been so horrible watching her lie to your son's face. How you didn't say anything then, I don't know. You must have immense patience and strength. The self control you have will stand you in good stead for the journey you're on.

Have you asked her why she is ditching you 2 yet again for the third week in a row during your planned family time? Is your boy old enough to be left alone for you to suggest you go out with her... Wanting to expand your friendship group as such, as you've recognised you don't really have any friends and you haven't been out for ages? You'll message the friend yourself and ask if she doesn't mind you joining?

See what your wife's reaction is to that?

I'm so sorry OP. Please don't blame yourself for erectile dysfunction, that isn't your fault, and it isn't pathetic, as you put it. In addition, it does not drive your spouse to have an affair just for sexual reasons. I've gone through periods where I haven't had sex for over a year despite wanting to. It is possible to control yourself. Nothing excuses what she has done.

What would happen if you asked her not to go out tonight and your son was upset?

i wonder if you looked back at your marriage with an open mind whether you’d realise she might’ve been actually be quite controlling. Its also quite possible this isn't her 1st affair.

i do think you need to tell her, for your own sanity before your brother comes over. Also if you cant say it to him, why not email.

Its also very telling she hasn't noticed anything is up with you.
Either you have a very stiff upper lip or she simply doesn’t see you.

I’m glad your brother is visiting soon OP. Please come talk to us anytime. I agree it’s awful of her to disappoint her son as well, but she’s likely justifying her actions in her mind somehow or living in complete denial.

Gather evidence so she cannot lie and make out your crazy/it's your epilepsy. Then confront. Don't beg. Request the facts. Then state you're moving ahead with a divorce and will be informing the wife of her affair partner.
Her reaction will be telling. She surely has no intention of leaving you for this guy and he more over probably has no intention of leaving his wife - they never do. She's just having her cake and eating it. You can blow up her little fairytale and start over - yes it will be hard and grief ridden, but you can do it. Or maybe she'll be contrite and sorry and with time and some space you can rebuild trust. Who knows- but the only way to start the ball rolling is to confront, with evidence. What other option do you have?

I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person.

This caught my eye in your OP. If this was true - if it was your fault and if she was loyal - why would she go for her friends husband?

If it was your fault and about sex, she could go for a colleague or a stranger in a bar.

She's not loyal to her friend either. What's her friend done to hurt her? It's not her friends fault and it's not yours.

I can't imagine how horrible this all is for your. 1st thing though absolutely none of this is your fault! You are not the one having an affair. I hope you are able to speak to your brother and he can help you. You must be heart broken 😥

This is horrible to read and I am so sorry it's happened to you. I absolutely understand why you are staying silent and don't want to release the grenade.

However, unfortunately, once you can't trust someone, it's over. She is lying to your face, to your son's face with such ease you would never have suspected anything. It's not you fault at all, she has spoiled everything, not you.

I haven't any specific advice but wanted to comment to send sympathy for the horrible shock you have had. You won't believe this now but one day you will be happy again, with or without her.

Please check in daily OP. I, like many others on here have been thinking and even worrying about your welfare. Many have been in same boat with a straying partner/spouse so can totally sympathise with the utter heartbreak you are feeling. Total respect you have been able to hold it together so well and you write so elequently despite the pain you are going through. I so wish I could reach through this screen and give you a friendly hug. I'd so like to remind you that whilst these are dark days, life will get better (( big hug))