My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

I can't imagine the pain and shock of witnessing that. I'm so sorry.

It's not you, it's her.

Focus on what works for you going forward. She's clearly not focussing on you or your DS. Do not stay with her in a misguided attempt to provide a stable/normal life for DC. Only stay if you truly can trust her again or it will destroy you.

You don't deserve this and your medical problems are most definitely not the cause - even if she ever says it was.

People often cheat because they enjoy it, rather than because their partner or relationship is lacking.

It does take a particular type of person to cheat with their friends husband/wife though, that is cunty behaviour

So you can ignore it but it will eat you up inside. You will become bitter and resentful. I think you need to gather your courage and confront her about her behaviour. You can shoulder all of the blame but how is it your fault? Did you drive her to the restaurant? Did you set them up on a date. She needs to have the opportunity to take accountability. You can't deny her that. She needs to have that in her life. I wish you lots of love and hope you can get through this. She obviously isn't the person she led you to believe she is

I think there is a 1% chance it wasn't actually her. Lookalikes do exist.

I've never seen anybody who looked like my partner, but I saw once someone who looked like me. I was quite stunned.

I know 1% isn't much. And perhaps it's less than that. But it's not altogether impossible. What's more, I think it's more likely than winning the lottery.

Absolutely this. Is this is advice given when a man cheats and it’s totally the same here. Ducks in a row.

I've had the surreal doppelgänger thing too, but what are the odds her doppelgänger happened to be having dinner with... his wife's friend's husband? Far lower than 1% I would say.

@wellhelloitsme You're right, I had forgotten that. Sorry!

Here to reiterate what everyone else is saying, and that is that it is NOT in the slightest bit your fault! As hard as this is to hear, she isn’t this amazing person you say she is because of that is the case she wouldn’t be not only cheating on you, but also betraying her friend by sleeping with her husband. You need to let her know sooner rather than later that you saw her, don’t let her live in bliss thinking she is getting away with this. I’m really sorry this is happening to you.

decent people dont cheat
decent people dont have affairs with their friends partners

So thats 2 despicable things your wife is doing. Maybe its time to reassess how nice your wife is. Over the next days the shock will wear off sufficiently to allow you to process all this.
that’s probably the time to tell her you know.

Even worse isn't it? Someone they both know 😞 It really is freaky meeting your doppelgänger in real life isn't it? I felt genuinely unsettled afterwards and she looked like she did too!

I'm sure he would recognise the clothes she was wearing.

This is not on you. At all. This is entirely her failing.

You’re not going to want to hear this but she’s a shit wife and a shit friend, having an affair with her friend’s husband.

I hope you find a way to get angry.

Obviously you need to tell yourself that she is NOT a lovely, loyal person.
She is disloyal to you.
She is disloyal to her friend.
She’s lying and cheating. That’s NOT lovely.

I mean you probably should have approached the table and said why the fuck do you two have your hands on each other?

but now you should confront her anyway. Cheaters always lie but you saw her so her lies will just be ridiculous.

Nothing you have written justifies an affair anyway

Thank you, it still doesn't feel real. I don't know. We have built a life together, a family. I can't imagine that ending. But I can hardly look at her. Our son will be just devastated. Especially because it's coming so out of the blue, it's not like we have even shown any signs of our relationship being rocky. It's news to me. I really sound so stupid, but I didn't see any signs. at all. She was fine about the ED issue and we obviously did other things for those months anyway. She seemed to enjoy it, but I don't know if I can believe anything about her anymore. And we still talk all the time too, it's not even like she's been distant. I am so stupid and blind.

You don't sound stupid. And you aren't stupid. Affairs can completely blindside perfectly sensible, nice and clever people.

People who have affairs are, during the affair at least, capable of sometimes almost chilling deception / keeping up appearances.

Please stop speaking about yourself so harshly, you have done nothing wrong.

I am self-certing from work, but it runs out tomorrow, so I need to go back. I should probably get the distraction anyway. I went back the day after it happened, because i was in a sort of trance. But halfway through the day I just started to feel like I couldn't even function, so I went home. My boss is actually nice, so hopefully not too angry about me walking away from lunch with a client.

I think to myself, what are the chances of us both being in the same place at the same time, in some obscure restaurant on the other side of the city? What are the chances of that happening and it is their first date? Pretty low, I would imagine.

About Christmas time, maybe a bit earlier, she went away for the weekend "with her sister" and I wonder if she was with him. Or all of the late nights at work. The catching up with people she hasn't mentioned for years. I am monumentally stupid. And the worst thing about it all is that our son has missed out on so much time with his mum because she's away doing this. A few weeks ago he actually said "aww, again?" when she said she was going to be out that evening and couldn't watch a film with him. How could she put this guy over our son? I feel like the entire marriage has been a lie. Like she is a stranger to me.

What sort of documents do I gather? my son's passport? That's my biggest worry, that she takes him from me. The man is from another European country, can they take our son away? Oh my god, I actually feel sick all of the time now

My epilepsy has been so much worse, auditory hallucinations. And smells actually. And that sense of dread or impending doom or whatever you want to call it, an aura, whatever (my neurologist says that is actually another type of seizure that we describe as an aura, but I don't know, I can't think straight) then seizures. And the worst headaches of my life.

I earn more than double what she does, but money has never ever been an issue, everything goes into a joint account and we both use it for whatever - bills, clothes, hobbies, etc. There has never been any "my money" sort of mentality, neither of us keep count of anything.

Am I supposed to tell her friend? Her husband and I are friends too. Well I thought we were, lol. Ha.

I am too humiliated to tell any of my friends, I am so stupid and pathetic. My parents are both dead now, and my brother is abroad, so there isn't really anyone. I am too embarrassed anyway.

Thank you all for replying, I appreciate it

You aren't stupid, mate. You really aren't.

If this happened to someone else and they confused in you, would you think they were stupid and pathetic? No, you'd think they were the victim of a liar and a cheat. Please try to treat yourself with the same empathy you'd give someone else.

And please consider telling a friend, someone you can see in person and chat with ideally.

I have epilepsy too and I know exactly the stress exacerbation you're talking about. I would be having auras all over the place too.

See your GP and tell them what's happening. It may be that for a while they need to play with your medication dosage or suggest some anxiety meds that can keep your body calmer when your mind is racing.

I feel for you so much, bless you

Your feelings are all so familiar to me unfortunately (the pain, the self-blame, the humiliation, the anger at their stealing time from their children and giving it to the affair partner). I was in your position a few months ago. The first thing you need to do is tell her you know. My husband says this was like a bucket of iced water being poured over him, and he was suddenly forced to see his behaviour and his betrayal and the potential consequences, all of which he’d been denying to himself, for what they were. Her reaction to that will probably depend on where she is in the infatuation/limerence process. Mine was a year into the affair, and starting to get disillusioned anyway I suspect, but he immediately broke it off, and has been scrambling desperately to make amends since. I’m taking it one day at a time, with no promises made.

@mike1970s
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
For some reason, when a man is unfaithful, people ''Accept'' it as the norm a lot more, but when a woman is unfaithful , the affectedmen are often absolutely floored.

I remember a phone call from a {Male} friend and him saying that his wife {Whom he loved} was having an affair, his voice was just shattered.

They got divorced, but now, years later, bored and not with the ''affair'' , but another bloke, she wants to get back with her ex husband.

Not sure what to suggest, but it has nothing to do with ED .
Some women like the ''Thrill'' and ''Attention'' of an affair, I think..Mid life crisis for her?

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Have you someone you can confide in?

talk to her first. But have some options in mind for legal advice, couples therapy, counselling for you etc. Speak to whomever manages your epilepsy maybe in case the stress impacts your health?

good luck.

OP, I am very sorry, you are seeing your DW through rose-tinted glasses, she is neither kind or gentle, or a good wife.

She has betrayed you and your child as well as her ‘friend’ by having an affair with her husband.

You are in no way to blame, If you think this, then I suspect you have been a victim of a manipulative wife who has been gaslighting you to such a degree that you think it’s her fault she is cheating on you.

*Your fault.

I feel your pain having been in your shoes 18 months ago. It totally floors you. I am so very sorry. Try and hang in there until you have accepted your new reality. Please don't make any rash decisions on your marriage, which has not been all one big lie, however you feel at the moment.

However, you can't bury your head in the sand indefinitely as it will eat you up. Read up everything you can on why women cheat. This is all on her, her choice, of which you are not responsible. There are lots of websites with different perspectives and advice which may help. Think about having the inevitable chat with your wife soon and give her a chance to admit to the affair before you disclose your proof. If there is still denial or minimising of facts then you have an even bigger problem.

Marriages can recover from adultery but it's a hard slog and needs both partners to be prepared for the long haul, lots of introspection and fully committed. Good luck OP.