My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

OP, please go through her phone and if she drives put a tracker on her car which is very discrete but at least you will be able to know the reality and what you are dealing with.

Don't do this.

Agrees, do not turn into a stalker or adopt any other controlling behaviour.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. You’re making yourself ill with it all. You’re currently in denial stage. You’re not a village idiot (your dad sounds vile btw) and did see what you saw.
your wife is not a nice loyal person- she’s screwing over her friend as well as you.
I think the sooner this is all out in the open, the better you will feel xx

I completely agree with pp that you need to find yourself a therapist/psychologists. Someone you can talk to as you go through the next few months (whatever that looks like), but also someone who can help you work through your horrendous childhood. Just because you add lol at the end doesn’t mean we can’t see how painful it was for you.

Meanwhile, just about your wife. No one thinks you’re pathetic. Even she doesn’t think you’re pathetic. I can pretty much guarantee that she has found a way to completely compartmentalise her life, so she doesn’t even realise the impact she is having on you or your son. This also explains her inability to hide her behaviour better. Seriously, very stupid to suddenly have all these nights out and think that no one would ever catch on.

I’m so sorry you had such a shock, and that it was so horrific, but, i have to say, unless you had seen it with your own eyes, you would never have believed it, so in all honesty, this is a very small sliver of a silver lining. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but you have already experienced the worst part. You know what she has done, and you know what it looks like. There’s no room to ‘imagine the worst”, or feel unsettled and unsure, but not sure why. I do understand you also wondering if you imagined it. You know you didn’t because of you the part with the client and your boss.

I’m so pleased your brother is coming over. That speaks volumes about him.. and you.

Maybe he can help you speak to her, at least knowing he’s in the house might be enough. Remember. When you are concerned about distressing your son, it’s her that has done that, not you.

Good luck, I hope you find a therapist soon. Remember you can always ring a helpline if you’re really scared of your feelings.

All this advice is for nothing until the O.P has his fears confirmed. Check her phone O.P and find out the truth, otherwise you will continue to suffer and believe you were hallucinating or imagining things. By all means seek counselling afterwards but first find out what actually is going on, and for how long, so you can face it head on.

I don’t think you are hallucinating.

You saw someone who looked and sounded like your wife with a mutual friend - that is a very specific hallucination.

At the same time your wife is going out more often and staying out longer - no way are you hallucinating that.

Sure, one thing could be a coincidence or explained away but taken together it’s very suspicious to put it mildly (occam’s razor).

In the circumstances, taking a look at your wife’s phone is not “controlling” - there is a 99% probability your wife is having an affair- and, given the likely affair partner is her friends husband, she is extremely unlikely to admit to anything you cannot prove.

Absolutely guarantee if a woman was posting with the same story, no one would be saying “don’t look at your husband’s phone, that would be controlling”.

It's not controlling to look at her phone. Most of the women on here that have discovered their husbands are cheating have done so by seeing the evidence on their partners phone.

If you're at that point where you'd rather check someone's phone than say "I saw you with John" it's over anyway

girlmom l disagree, he needs to arm himself with the facts so that when she starts to deny, minimise or dissemble he has the evidence to prove otherwise.

But he doesn't need evidence.

girlmom, as others have suggested, he needs concrete evidence, screen shots of messages preferably, as she may well lie, or worse make out he was having an 'episode' due to his condition.

But girlmom the op is not you. If he was he wouldnt be posting on here.
lf everyone always knew what to do then MN wouldn’t exist.

Disgusted at your dad's treatment of you. My son at 16 has recently had a seizure. It's the most frightening experience. I can't imagine trying to deal with that without support and understanding. My heart goes out to you. Please stay strong, if you can get through that you can get through this

Reminder, people: There are two sides to every story.

We haven't yet listened to her story.

You could write this on literally every post on Mumsnet... people are aware of it already - no need to remind them as it's very obvious!

Looks like the OP has disappeared anyway. Maybe he was scared off at the thought of having to take action...

Funny thing. If main post was written by a woman, would you also say it? What other story might be to having physical affection and meeting other person if you're married?

There's no excuse for cheating.

I stand by what I've said: We haven't listened to the wife's story. There's no need to be rude. If my comment receives four answers and only one of them is rude, we can deduce which one of them is out of order.

I am aware that MN only features one side of the story. This is an awful shortcoming of this platform. It may lead to people receiving support when they don't deserve it, and to condemnation or 'crowd injustice' against a third party that can't even get state their case. I'm not going to take part on this 'virtual lynching'. I'm not going to condemn this woman, just as Jesus did not condemn the Samaritan woman whom he crossed (John 4:17). If I can't hear both parties (and quite obviously I can't), I won't pass any judgement.

Hi Mike, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing? Hope things are ok.

Thank you, @sshk that is kind of you to ask :)

Honestly things have been bad, as a few days after last posting I had a really bad seizure at work, which is unusual for me (it is unusual for me to have tonic-clonic seizures nowadays and also I almost always can pre-empt them and go somewhere private). Anyway, because they had never seen it before, my workmates phoned an ambulance. I waited ages and kept asking them to phone back and cancel it, but they insisted it had lasted for "ages" (though no-one had actually timed it) and so I needed to be checked out. Anyway the paramedics took me to hospital to get me checked over. It turned out to be good, because it has allowed me to get a sooner appointment with my neurologist - next month instead of September.

Anyway, they offered to phone someone for me at the hospital, but I realised that I didn't want my wife there, which was sobering. I got a taxi home and half expected to walk in on her and my "friend", but luckily I didn't.

She got home from work and asked why I was home early. i told her I had come from the hospital after a bad seizure at work, and the first thing she said was "I hope you didn't piss yourself in front of everyone".No "are you ok?" or hugs or kisses or making cups of tea or any of the things I would do for her if she was ill (and I did feel ill, I find those types of seizures exhausting and headache-inducing, plus I have not been sleeping because of stress). I would make sure a complete stranger was ok after a seizure. I would sit with them (if they wanted), make them tea, get them a blanket, talk to them. I think most decent people would do the same. I definitely wouldn't make them feel even worse by saying "I hope you didn't piss yourself in front of everyone".

I cried, lol. Embarrassing, but I don't care. That moment just felt like she was showing me how little she even cares about me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am not at all someone who thinks of themselves as ill really or who takes on the sick patient role easily. But at that particular moment I was feeling shit, and she didn't care. I told her I had been in an ambulance and to casualty and she just didn't care. i cried and she had already walked out the room, her head buried in her f cking phone.

I went to bed. I got up when my son got home from an after school sports club (that runs 5.30-7.30, which is too long waiting about after school IMO, but that's by the by), and he was really concerned about me and so kind, which made me feel really sad and sorry for him.

THEN, at about 8.45/9pm, she gets a text, claims it's a friend who is "going through a bad break up" and says she has to go out. Our son gets pretty annoyed and says that he thinks it's unfair of her to leave when I have been unwell. She says that her friend "needs" her, son points out that I "need" her. I die inside from the shame of having my 14 year old child fight my battles for me. She goes out anyway.

The next day my brother arrived, thank god. I completely broke down and told him everything. He was furious with her and basically said that he and his wife had never liked her, as they feel she is "manipulative and controlling". This came as a real shock to me. Even though people have mentioned it here, it's one thing for someone who has never met my wife to say it, it's quite another for my brother, best man, best friend, to say it.

I was quite upset and I suppose angry at the accusation, partly because I do still love my wife, despite it all, and partly because it made me feel like a complete idiot to know that everyone around us must just see me as some mug. Or just a weak and pathetic excuse for a man. That's what my dad used to call me, a waste of oxygen, an excuse for a man, etc. Turns out he was right, LOL. Anyway, my brother gave quite a few examples of things he felt were not right within my marriage. It was not at all pleasant to hear, but I think probably necessary for me to hear it.

That night he took my son out for the evening and I spoke to my wife. She denied it at first, but I didn't back down and eventually she admitted the affair. And another two that she's had over the years. We agreed to break up.

My heart is broken. Just shattered. I will never trust again and I will never love again. I am SUCH an idiot, such a useless, gullible, pathetic idiot. I just feel so STUPID.

The worst thing I have ever had to do was sit our son down the next morning and tell him about the break up. He was distraught. We have always been an incredibly close family, especially because he is an only child (not through choice), so we have basically torn his world apart. We did tell him the real reason why it was happening, i.e. that my wife was cheating. It was supremely embarrassing to tell him that, but I didn't want him to feel he had been at all to blame for any of this. And he is old enough that he deserves an explanation.

Since then things have been hard. She agreed to move out, and it turns out that her affair partner has access to a bedsit through his work anyway (he has one of these non-jobs, where you spend the day smarming up to people, like a freelance consulting management leader consultant kinda bs). So they are both there. Two families have been ripped apart. Because of their selfishness.

My brother is still here, which is amazing, as I don't think my son and myself would be able to cope without him right now. His boss has been very understanding, although I know he will have to go home soon, obviously.

It is all so bizarre and just a month or so ago I would NEVER have predicted any of this. I thought we had the perfect marriage, quite honestly. It all feels so weird. Sleeping in an empty bed, realising that I will die alone, once my son moves away for uni in a few years I will be alone all the time. It is just so surreal and horrifying and heartbreaking. I will never love again, I will never trust again. I am so embarrassed and I just feel like the whole world is just laughing at me for being so pathetic and stupid. But at least now i know the truth. I don't mind my own company, I will get used to a life of solitude, I'm sure. Maybe I will get lots of dogs. We had to give our family dog away when I was a kid and my dad told me it was because I scared it with my seizures. I still don't know if he was joking or not, but I would hate to put another dog through that. Maybe I will get lots of goldfish instead, that's about more my level, I think. Stupid useless twat that I am.

I am so sorry, I don't think I even wrote as much as this for my phd thesis, lol. It is all just so unexpected. I know that is maybe an anti-climactic word to describe my life being torn apart, but that is how i feel. Just in shellshocked, tbh.

Thank you again for your kindness, I really appreciate it.

Oh OP, none of this is your fault. You are not stupid or worthless. Your dad sounds awful.

Look after yourself and your son. He sounds like a great kid.

Found out my husband cheated on me 3 months ago. So i know exactly what youre going through. Its like the world as you knew it completely shatters around you. You start doubting yourself, theres shame, theres heartbreak, theres endless pain - sometimes its so painful that i can actually physically feel it in my heart.

I always thought something like this would be a dealbreaker. Id be out the door so quick. But then you think about kids, and the years spent together, how empty you would feel when theyre not in your life. Im still trying to make it work with him.

But im noticing that youre blaming yourself wayyyy too much. I did too a little but then stopped myself right away. cheating is NOT ok! I repeat…cheating is NOT ok! Ever! There were a million ways they couldve reached out to us….tell us theyre not happy….work things out…but they chose to first emotionally get involved with someone else and then sleep with them too….thats NOT ok and we are not to blame.

please stop blaming yourself. And think about whether you can tolerate her face around the house after all this.

You are not a mug - sometimes we are blinded to the behaviour of loved ones - whereas close friends and family see things more clearly. 100% you are not the first and won’t be last.

Your wife doesn’t sound like a very nice person- not only did she stitch you up - she also betrayed her “friend” whose husband she ran off with….