My wife is cheating and I don't know what to do

[mike1970s]

I am a man, I should state that from the start.

My wife is the love of my life. I mean I just adore her. We have been married for almost 20 years and I thought we were both so happy. We get on well, have regular sex, enjoy the other's company, have meaningful conversations, have fulfilling careers, have an amazing teenage son, go on lovely holidays together, etc. I can't imagine ever being with anyone but her, she is so kind and funny, clever, strong-willed and gentle. I am in love with her.

Last week my world was shattered. I was in a restaurant with a work contact. It is fairly far from my office and not somewhere my wife and I have been before, so I can see why she thought it was "safe".

I arrived early and was sitting near the entrance, waiting for the table to be available. My head was buried in my phone, so I didn't even realise my wife had walked in, with the husband of her friend, until I heard her voice.

They had their hands all over each other, it was like watching a pair of animals in heat. I am not exaggerating when I say that I think I lost consciousness temporarily. I literally fainted with the shock. i think that's what happened, because a few seconds later I looked up and they were gone. I started to think I had imagined it - and I do have epilepsy, which can cause all sorts of weird and wonderful symptoms - but I stood up and peeked over the partition thing, and there they were, holding hands across the table.

I literally walked out and hailed the first taxi I saw. The person I was meeting saw me leaving and was apparently trying to wave at me, to catch my attention (I later discovered this, when my boss hauled me over the coals for my conduct). I honestly had tunnel vision though, I was just feeling so shocked and sick.

I managed to hold it together in the taxi, but as soon as I stepped in the house I just broke down. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to end, but how can I continue like this?

I can honestly say I trusted my wife 100%. When she said she had to work late, I didn't question it. When she said she was meeting friends, I believed her. Why wouldn't I?

I don't think she saw me at the restaurant, as she has been acting normally. I have feigned illness, to explain my weird behaviour. My epilepsy medication can sometimes make me a bit out of it anyway, so I don't think she suspects anything.

I lie next to her in bed and feel sick knowing what she is doing. I look at her and just feel... devastated. I am so ashamed of not being enough for her. I know it must be my fault somehow, because she is the sweetest and most loyal person. There is no way she would do this without me driving her to it somehow. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated. I don't know what to do now, do I just let it run its course and act oblivious?

I should be honest and say that I did suffer from some erectile dysfunction for about 5 months last year, whilst my medication was being tweaked. Maybe that is what pushed her into this, I don't know. I am largely back to normal, but I do sometimes struggle still. I am not exactly proud of any of this, but I feel I should share the full story. I manage it around 70% of the time, which is pathetic, I know. Maybe I should switch back to my other medication? It didn't control my symptoms as well, but at least I didn't have this side-effect.

I think it must be a physical thing, because we are just as emotionally close as ever.

I reported and am sorry if OP was genuine. I've seen so many trolls over time though and I've seen people get really hurt by getting involved. It read like a troll thread - there is usually a formula and other people spotted it too. Luckily if he was genuine there are other places for him to get support.

I've juat re-read it and trust my initial instinct.

Many of us agree with you @JellyMonger but unfortunately MNHQ appear not to.

Some of you are so pathetic on here.

If you don’t think something is genuine, why don’t you report it and go about your business? Why comment, ‘reported.’ Why keep coming back to comment saying you don’t believe this is true etc. Don’t you have better things to do??

So people should surely just report it then hide the thread rather than taking the time to report and announce they've done so or make shitty comments to a poster who may well be genuine.

Exactly. It doesn’t make any sense

Thanks, yeah I don't understand the people who think their opinion is the correct one and everyone else is wrong, and needs to be "warned" of this. What makes them right and everyone else wrong on such a subjective matter? Your opinion is not fact, so please don't treat it as such. It is a viewpoint, nothing else.

I know i am telling the truth, but apparently I deserve a barrage of criticism and to be told i am a liar. What a bizarrely effective way of kicking me when I am down, lol.

The thing about meeting up/sending money is just so irrelevant too. I am genuinely sorry to hear that someone was tricked out of money elsewhere, that is dreadful. But given that you stated this was related to a shared hobby, then I really don't see the relevance here. Do they think I am going to open up a "just had your life implode and been cheated on" shared hobby group and charge people several hundred pounds for membership?

I came here for support and advice and, by and large, I received it. For that I am incredibly grateful. I am choosing to focus on this and not the fish emojis, poop emojis, laughing and mocking comments. I know I am being over-sensitive because of everything else that is going on in my life right now. I am angry with myself for allowing it to bother me.

Thank you so much to the people who shared their own experience, gave support, wisdom and advice. I have felt less alone thanks to you all and I am really grateful.

Also, to one of the people earlier, I never at any point called anyone idiots? I would never do that. The "i hope you enjoy reading it and expanding your mind" comment was in response to the mocking interrogation and incredulity over my thesis, the sarcastic "creative writing" comments, etc. By "expand your mind" I meant to say that the person is being narrow-minded, not that they are stupid. I just wouldn't say that. Even if others here resort to mockery of me, I wouldn't reciprocate.

I am annoyed with myself for getting so upset over something so relatively insignificant. Maybe this minuscule problem seems more manageable than my actual problems. Maybe i just don't like being called a liar. Who knows. But I need to try to focus on my son and not on people here who think that they are right and everyone else is wrong - including MNHQ, who have the "audacity" to ignore their opinion. Don't they realise that these people's opinions of me and my veracity are tantamount to fact?

Sorry, I am not normally so riled up by trivial crap, but I am just mentally and physically exhausted.

Thank you again to the nice people, I am so appreciative for the support.

My brother is here until Saturday :) My son is doing surprisingly well. I am taking each minute as it comes. Thanks

This is starting to smack of bullying now. People get the picture. You're far too sharp and cynical for anyone to ever put one past you. It's important that you show everyone how clever you are, and exercise your civic-minded duty to warn complete strangers on the internet that they might be in the process of being taken in by a storyteller. Believe it or not, were this even the case it will neither cause their heads to explode nor the world to stop spinning on its axis.

This is NOT the type of fetishistic thread posted by some who find their way to this site, about which any such warning could be justified. We are grown-ups. We'll decide what to take at face value without need of your guidance, thanks.

MNHQ don't accept your reports. This isn't a travesty or a demonstration of how naive they and everyone else is, except, apparently, you. You've proved your point. Quit with the harassment, it's getting tiresome.

MNHQ don't accept your reports. This isn't a travesty or a demonstration of how naive they and everyone else is, except, apparently, you. You've proved your point. Quit with the harassment, it's getting tiresome.

Honestly, it’s embarrassing at this point.

Glad to hear your son is doing okay OP. Carry on taking it day by day and you’ll soon get into a new routine despite the fact that you’re currently going through hell. Take it easy

Oh and most importantly. Be kind to yourself!

I think all of these super smart, formula hunting people should use their expert knowledge for better use. They think they know everything, should join the police to become detectives. 🙄But of course, they won't.

Very, very well said.

A troll by the way that I and others had identified as such and mnet would not act.

@JellyMonger how dreadful, but utterly irrelevant to me or to my post.

@JellyMonger what are you even saying right now? That literally has nothing to do with this post at all.

You can either get a grip or apply to work for MN so you can delete all the posts that you find suspicious. Either way, why keep on coming back to a thread that you think isn’t real?

My apologies, I posted too soon.

@JellyMonger I applaud you on your vigilantism, how good of you to hurt me, in your quest to spare others from an imaginary hurt you think I may inflict upon them.

Anyway, I wanted to update others that my brother has helped me to make an appointment with a family lawyer, to discuss my options re divorce, custody, division of assets, etc. He is going with me tomorrow (I really did leave it until the last minute of his trip).

My wife has been asking my son to meet up with her and he is refusing. I feel really guilty about that, because I don't want to stand in the way of his relationship with his mum. I am struggling with what to do. If he feels unable to see her right now because of his own hurt and anger, then that is understandable. But I worry he is doing it out of some sort of loyalty to me. I want him to have the two loving parents he always has, and not cut one out, due to solidarity with me. But equally I don't want to discount his own hurt, or his right to grieve his family.

He is mainly doing well though. Loving having his uncle around - they are currently playing PS4/5 (I honestly can't keep up) together.

My son is also loving the talk of adopting a dog! I think over the next few weeks we will go to a rescue centre and see how the dogs react to me. I have obviously heard of seizure alert dogs, but never personally met one, and I know that they will have undergone specialist training, meaning they are not unsettled about the issue. For what it's worth, my brother thinks our dad was just "being a dick" about his claims over my impact on our childhood dog.

I am due to return to work on Monday, which is nerve-wracking, but hopefully will be a good distraction.

I have not been sleeping, but have been too afraid to post when insomniac, due to someone commenting that my posts being "around midnight" was a sure sign I am troll?! I fail to see the correlation, and I miss the outlet in the dead of night, when I feel so alone, but I cannot take any additional accusations. Plus the blue light is probably not good for helping me get to sleep anyway.

Physically I feel like a scrunched up piece of paper, if that makes any sense. Just tense and churning and ... scrunched. Mentally I can't think straight and keep hearing my dad's voice calling me names. The only comparable pain is when my beloved mum died a few years ago and it broke me emotionally. I will look into therapy eventually. I have offered to try to find someone for my son, but he has declined at the moment. Maybe he will change his mind in the future.

I am hopeful that he will recover his relationship with his mum. For my part, her coldness in response to me being in hospital - albeit briefly - has killed any longing I may have had to beg for a reconciliation. I have accepted I will be alone from now on and that's fine.

Anyway, I will make this my last comment, because I don't know what else there is to say. We need to heal from the wound she inflicted on us.

Additionally, I am checking out because I don't feel comments casting doubt on me or mocking me/my writing skills/my truthfulness, or making utterly irrelevant comments about losing money to trolls or about suicide notes are really conducive to my mental recovery or building my self-esteem. Maybe that is letting them win, but frankly I am well beyond the point of caring about anything in life (other than my son). Maybe they will see my leaving as them having successfully driven away a "troll", but really I don't give a shit how they interpret it. I have lost a valuable outlet and means of support, but I am leaving knowing that my integrity is intact.

Thanks again to everyone who has supported and advised me about my marriage, and to those who defended me against the "troll hunters" too, I really appreciate it. I am so thankful to all of the lovely people here. I am utterly devastated about the end of my marriage and family, but my son is keeping me going for now. Thanks again, Mike

Godspeed, @mike1970s. Sincerely wishing you well, and hoping you find happiness in the future. When you're in the middle of the storm it often feels as though you never will. Don't discount it

I'm so sorry that you came for help and support after suffering the unquestionable trauma of marital breakdown and were subjected to such an appalling response by a few lurking troll hunters, who appear, especially if they have no experience, empathy or understanding of the subject matter to hijack posts.

All the best OP for you and your son. I'm so glad you from reading your latest comments you have found that fire in your belly to move forward in a positive manner. You both deserve so much more. 😊

Best wishes to you OP. I hope in time you and your son find a happy future. Take care.

@marblemad I can't see anything that indicates that on Google or here?

Perhaps all those convinced of trolls (with evidence) should send to MNHQ. But it is against the site rules to troll hunt on threads.

ugh, after swearing I would no longer engage with people like @DelisButAlsoCrime , I got the notification and now feel so pissed off with what was said that I want to defend myself. I have never had a Reddit account, I have never posted a thread to Reddit, much less had one deleted. You are talking crap. Now either this is an innocent mistake on your part or else a deliberate lie, but I can assure you i have never been on Reddit. And I doubt I am in their target demographic anyway.

Secondly, the user name here was a necessity, as "Mike1970" was taken, so I had to add an "s" at the end of mine. So if you are claiming to have seen this username used elsewhere, then I repeat - you are talking crap.

I am wary of defending myself to the point of you then jumping on this and claiming "the lady doth protest too much" and all this sort of BS. But I also couldn't allow such out and out lies, as claiming that you have ANY sort of "evidence against" me, as I know this cannot possibly be the case. As someone else stated above, it is getting to the point of harassment. But thanks for the distraction from everything else going on in my life, i appreciate it.

I am not a petty person, but recent experiences with my wife have led me to desperately believe in karmic revenge. And so I sorely hope that you, Jelly belly or whatever their bloody name was, something to do with a sea turtle, and all the other bullies masquerading as armchair detectives are one day disbelieved and faced with people falsely claiming to have "proof" of your "lies". Only then can you see how unpleasant this is to experience. Just the icing on the cake of whatever problem you were originally seeking advice about.

I am not even going to look here anymore, as it is making me too angry. Best of luck with the vigilantism, your selflessly noble quest for "justice" against the innocent.