Partner of 19 years just walked out. Help!!!

[AmyKnightrider]

Hi all, I've ended up here looking for advice and support on here as I feel like I've exhausted my friends with my grief over the last two months. On 26th March my partner of 19 years walked out on me and our two children. I was completely blindsided. Within 5 minutes of him telling me he was leaving he had packed his bags and was gone. I have not seen him since. He said he'd been having an emotional affair for 3 months but I can only assume that that was the tip of the iceberg.
I am struggling with everything at the moment. I'm still not able to eat due to the shock and have lost a stone and a half which at first I was happy about but now as the weight is continuing to drop off I'm not looking or feeling particularly great.
When he left he said I couldn't ask any questions and he wouldn't give me any answers. So 19 years as partners and 22 as friends gone in the blink of an eye and I have no chance of closure.
He did say "I'm leaving you, not the kids" but has barely seen them since. I forgot to say, when he left he said he was going to stay at his parents but he moved straight in with the other woman and has been living with her ever since. I can not fathom how he has switched from one life with his family to a new life with a new woman in the blink of an eye. We have a dog and a cat who he genuinely seemed to love, but he's been able to turn his back on them also. It's like he doesn't have any feelings. I've not spoken to him apart from via text and only about the children. He was being very vile and unreasonable, almost as if it were me that had had the affair!! Now it seems like he is trying to regain his composure as his messages have become a lot more "reasonable" although still rude, it feels like he is punishing me but I don't understand for what. He's the one that left!!
As the fog is slowly starting to life I am seeing that I have been subjected to mental abuse continually over the last 19 years. It is so embarrassing to admit but he has called me "mental" "irrational" and even "schizophrenic" if ever I've questioned his shady behaviour. That's been going on since I had a gut feeling that he'd cheated on me about a year into our relationship. He finally admitted it when he left!!! So I knew in my gut all along but allowed him to make me feel insecure, and genuinely doubt my own mental health for nearly 20 years!!!!!! I'm seeing signs that his complete lack of empathy and compassion and the way that he has controlled me over the years suggests that he is a narcissist. If the cap fits right?!? But how do I deal with this now? I feel so scared. I have two children, a dog, a cat, a house to look after. I have no time for me at all. I have felt so down today, struggling to get my work done. Still unable to eat. How do I start a new reality for myself and my children? I know that I am free from his control, so in the long run him leaving is the best thing I could have asked for, but right now I don't really feel like jumping for joy!! I don't know where to start with rebuilding my life. I don't even think I really know who I am anymore.

Congrats on the trash taking itself out.

Who owns the house? With him being just an ex boyfriend at least there’s no divorce to navigate, just child access arrangements and if he owns the house, you’ll have to find somewhere to live. Enjoy your life, don’t let another low quality male in to your kids home.

This pain will pass, time will eventually heel, you will move on. I’m so sorry your life has been shattered. Look after yourself and your children.

Hang in there. Look after yourself and your children.

Nothing stays the same, it will get better & you will be happy.

get as much help as you can from friends & family & try to force yourself to eat & take each day as it comes.

concentrate on you & your children.None of this is your fault.

good luck & I’m sorry you’re going through it.

I’m so sorry OP. This must have been the most awful shock. Whilst you have less ties to him as you weren’t married you should still get some legal advice so you know your rights re child maintenance and shared assets/property issues. You should also make a new will and make sure you change beneficiaries on any pensions.

You will handle this - don’t keep it a secret in real life. Make sure you tell mutual friends and your respective families what he’s done. Don’t let him rewrite your side of things.

Your whole world has been turned upside down. Be kind to yourself it took me years to be ok in the now after my ex left after 15 years together

Seek legal advice about house and assets Take control of the practical things bills and money. Cms for child support.

Move things around at home. Pack his stuff away. Buy new bedding. Paint if you have the energy. Anything to make it feel different.

Go as low contact as you can. Talk about kids only.

Get some counselling for you. Journal what you can. You need to work this out. But that is going to take time. Be patient. There are no answers other than he is a selfish arse. Who thinks only about himself and his own needs. And no quick fixes

It's been 5 years for me and I still could cry over things. The children and I are much better off in our happy home now but I've never experienced a hurt like it.

This will pass. You will build a good life with your children and your pets. He will always be him, so will never be truly happy. It’s a huge shock and it will feel much like a bereavement, but as with all grief, time does help and life goes on, because it has to. When you have a family, you don’t get to wallow for long! But for now, take good care of yourself, don’t have high expectations of yourself. Just get through each day, one at a time, and at some point you’ll realise it hurts a little less.

As for the ex, grey rock all the way. Don’t let him into your head, your heart, your home, or your life. Have the bare minimum of contact with him to coparent.

It’s not been a blink of an eye for him has it? He’s thought about it and decided he’s leaving probably months ago.

You need to be armed with facts - the more you know the better decisions you’ll make.

Start with a solicitor and paperwork.

How old are the children?

I promise you ( cross my heart) that one day, in the not too distant future, you will thank your lucky stars he left.
Right now is a crap part of recovery, as you are getting used to doing things on your own, dealing with kids, your confusion AND you are starting to see his behaviour for what it was.
Men like that do turn vile. They pretend you were crazy / ( insert insult) and it doesn't matter if it is true or fair. It is how they justify their behaviour to themselves. It's very common ( in every sense of the word).

Focus on all the small victories, even if it is just that you cooked a great dinner for the kids. Think of three things you are grateful for, and just keep moving forward- no matter how slow the pace seems.
You will be ok

What a horrible situation to be in. He really is a piece of work isn't he? What's your housing situation like? Do you work full time? Can you financially support yourself and have you claimed child-support and any other benefits you are entitled to?

So sorry to hear this.
Make sure you get legal advice and don't let him hide anything: he's been planning for this I guess before you even knew.
Take a day at a time and as pp said you will be happy again

It's good that you see him for what he is now, use that to gain strength to move forward, you don't need him in your life. You and your children will be just fine without him!

It's easier to say that and it won't feel like it some days. You're allowed to be upset, you're grieving and having to reimagine your future. So don't be ashamed to cry and don't question your feelings. It's all a natural part of healing.

Lean on your friends, go out and have some fun. Spend more time with your family. Find a new hobby, write a list of all the things you've wanted to do that you now have some freedom for and go for it!

One thing I learnt is that closure is not worth seeking, the only person getting hurt when trying to work out what happened is you. Unfortunately, he doesn't care. But one thing you can guarantee is he will never be happy. He may look it on the outside but on the inside, he's just messed up. One day he will wake up and realise what he's done, he will regret it. But by then you will have moved on and you will be experiencing what happiness really is!

You're well rid, your new life starts now and it can be whatever you want it to be! 💞

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

One step at a time. I am almost a year out of 16 years and it still hurts, but I can see things more clearly.

Take back anything for you that you can and don't listen to the narrative that he will inevitably spin.

Concentrate on you and your kids. Try and be present in the moment, that's something I am working on. Enjoy them and the time you have.

It is rough and if you can afford counselling, I would recommend it.

If he is so absent, your kids won't feel it, but they will feel you.

I have cried for what feels like an age, still have ups and downs daily, but can finally see that he didn't deserve us. You will get there too x

Also I completely agree with pp. He will 100% regret this decision when he sees you and your kids thriving in the future.

Very sorry to hear what an absolute shit he is but in time, you are going to look back and think he did you a massive favour.
Finances. You're not married? Do you own or rent? If you own is it in both names? You're going to need a solicitor as you've no rights over pension etc if not married so I'd start there. Get good legal advice.
Do you work? If so you may be entitled to UC and get help with childcare if that's an issue? The day you make your claim is the day it starts from so do it online asap. It's fairly easy to do.
How are the kids? They must be so confused. What a bastard.
Try and eat. You need something inside you in order to think straight. It doesn't matter if it's not proper meals just eat what you can. Smoothies/fruit/soups/crackers cheese. Chocolate
Anything easy.

If he'd been the perfect DP, how awful would that have been? He's far from perfect, he's not even DH material.
From what you've said, you're life will be tons better without him and OW has yet to realise the shit she is into with him - unfortunately for her, she has low self esteem, so is a victim in waiting for a narcissist, anyone with self respect would not have entertained him. It's great your eyes are open. A day at a time, aim for financial security as far as is possible. At some point you will find yourself feeling far better without him.

He has done you the greatest favour of your life, and that's the truth. It's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward as a free person. I know it's been a horrific shock, but you absolutely will be better off without this man.

My grandmother had a saying, and it was so true ... "He's more to be pitied than condemned." I pity your idiot partner. He is so weak and pathetic that he threw away his relationship with you and his kids for nothing. What a pitiful, sad little man. That being said, he in no way deserves forgiveness. Fuck him. He has earned all the misery that comes his way.

You, on the other hand, have whatever life you want in front of you. Show your kids how strong you really are.

Sorry this happened to you OP, I know what it feels like.

It will get better, every day, one step at a time.

I'm years down the line and try not to look back, but that feeling of who the fuck is this person still shocks me. How someone can change so quickly and dramatically is mind blowing.

Time is the only healer here, it's a cliché but true. You'll look back at some point and see him for the snide worthless wanker that he is.

I’m not sorry that this has happened to you. Thank god the low life buggered off!!

are you ok financially? I truly hope so, because anything over and above this, will be easy.

good luck for the future, you, your children, dog and cat deserve a beautiful life x

So sorry OP. If my experience of ex walking out and into OW's arms is any guide, part of the problem is that you doubt your own judgement. How did you not notice this brutal side to your partner before?

There's dozens of possible answers but they don't matter. You've got the kids, the dog, the cat and the house. Focus on the practical stuff and ignore the ex as far as possible. And give yourself time; I wouldn't expect myself or a friend to get over this in two months.

No wonder you're unsure who you are after all this. You'll work it out over time. I like the saying about the trash taking itself out - making room for new things. All the best.

All the best op.

Oh that did make me laugh, thank you. I do keep trying to tell myself that he's done me a favour but it's so, so hard.

He owns the house although I know I have a 'beneficial interest' in the property as I paid the deposit on our first house and all of the profit from the sale of that one went into the deposit for this one. Even if I get my "fair" share out of this house though, with my part-time salary I wouldn't be able to afford a three bedroom house and that's what I'd need as my children are 12 and 10 and are a boy and a girl. My son only started secondary school this year and is really settled so I can't move away from the area to be closer to my family. We moved up here to be closer to my ex's family and now I'm left with no-one.

That is how I feel. I feel like my whole life has been shattered and I just don't have the strength to put all the pieces back together