Partner of 19 years just walked out. Help!!!

[AmyKnightrider]

Hi all, I've ended up here looking for advice and support on here as I feel like I've exhausted my friends with my grief over the last two months. On 26th March my partner of 19 years walked out on me and our two children. I was completely blindsided. Within 5 minutes of him telling me he was leaving he had packed his bags and was gone. I have not seen him since. He said he'd been having an emotional affair for 3 months but I can only assume that that was the tip of the iceberg.
I am struggling with everything at the moment. I'm still not able to eat due to the shock and have lost a stone and a half which at first I was happy about but now as the weight is continuing to drop off I'm not looking or feeling particularly great.
When he left he said I couldn't ask any questions and he wouldn't give me any answers. So 19 years as partners and 22 as friends gone in the blink of an eye and I have no chance of closure.
He did say "I'm leaving you, not the kids" but has barely seen them since. I forgot to say, when he left he said he was going to stay at his parents but he moved straight in with the other woman and has been living with her ever since. I can not fathom how he has switched from one life with his family to a new life with a new woman in the blink of an eye. We have a dog and a cat who he genuinely seemed to love, but he's been able to turn his back on them also. It's like he doesn't have any feelings. I've not spoken to him apart from via text and only about the children. He was being very vile and unreasonable, almost as if it were me that had had the affair!! Now it seems like he is trying to regain his composure as his messages have become a lot more "reasonable" although still rude, it feels like he is punishing me but I don't understand for what. He's the one that left!!
As the fog is slowly starting to life I am seeing that I have been subjected to mental abuse continually over the last 19 years. It is so embarrassing to admit but he has called me "mental" "irrational" and even "schizophrenic" if ever I've questioned his shady behaviour. That's been going on since I had a gut feeling that he'd cheated on me about a year into our relationship. He finally admitted it when he left!!! So I knew in my gut all along but allowed him to make me feel insecure, and genuinely doubt my own mental health for nearly 20 years!!!!!! I'm seeing signs that his complete lack of empathy and compassion and the way that he has controlled me over the years suggests that he is a narcissist. If the cap fits right?!? But how do I deal with this now? I feel so scared. I have two children, a dog, a cat, a house to look after. I have no time for me at all. I have felt so down today, struggling to get my work done. Still unable to eat. How do I start a new reality for myself and my children? I know that I am free from his control, so in the long run him leaving is the best thing I could have asked for, but right now I don't really feel like jumping for joy!! I don't know where to start with rebuilding my life. I don't even think I really know who I am anymore.

That's exactly what I've been doing. I've been accomodating because of the children and I was so worried people would think I was turning them against him. So much so that I'm ashamed to say that when they didn't want to spend the day with their dad I forced them to go. I even had to get my ten year old in the shower, washed and dressed because she was so anxious she couldn't do it herself. I've promised myself (and them) that I will never force them again.

I hate confrontation but I will try to stand up for myself a bit more going forward. We seem to have been following his rules since he left and I have no idea why!!!!

Thank you. There was definitely a midlife crisis happening in the months before he left. He bought a very expensive car. I gave him £2.5k towards that as he couldn't afford the one he really wanted on his own. I am such a idiot.

You are in shock at the moment. The first part of your letter made me feel really worried for you, but the second part shows that you have started to acknowledge the manipulation and lies he's subject you to, and that you are really full of fight, which is a good sign.

Every night at bedtime, think about the good things that have happened that day. Pat yourself on the back for your achievements each day, even if it's getting out of bed when you really didn't want to.
Try to eat healthy food, even if it's just small amounts, and drink plenty of water, every day.
Go to bed early.

Sort out the financial side- get advice from CAB or a solicitor if you can (or MNetters).
Focus on you and the children, they are your anchor in this storm.

You will rise above this and look back at how you escaped into a much, much better place for you and yours. Sending lots of love and solidarity xxx

OP imagine that amazing independent feeling for you and the kids for the rest of your lives...it'll be tough but you sound really strong...good luck x

He earns £120Kpa and yet you bailed him out to buy a car?

What has he done with all the money he earns?

Is his house now mortgage- free?

I think he's been squirrelling away all his money into another account as his running away fund. He may even have enough to buy a house.

Do you have passwords/ access to any joint accounts?

Do you HAVE a joint account?

Have you ever seen what happens to the money he earns or questioned where it's stashed?

Please try not to think badly of yourself OP. I absolutely understand how one can not see this coming.

I’m 8 years on. You sound strong and clear headed so please try to believe it will all be ok, there are just a couple of things that might get you there quicker. First get good legal advice and as soon as possible. Second have therapy and find out who you really are and what you really want. The rest will all flow from that.

it doesn’t always take years to get yourself to a place where actually you are happier than you were. I know this.

No advice from me, as I can only imagine what you and your family are going through, why is it when partners cheat and then leave, that they can’t take responsibility for it and have to blame the ex partner.

I could if written this post myself, I'm 1 month in and utterly bereft. Have you done UV claim, if not do it. Its about 5weeks to process

Op , I'm glad who he is has become apparent now and not in another 10 years.

Get your benefits together asap if you haven't , you will feel a lot calmer when you know how your finances will stand.

Write down the worst possible scenario regarding finances and housing and you will realise that it's not so bad , whether you end up in a 3 bed council house and on benefits you will still be free and with your kids.

You will miss him in the sense that the vibe around the house will be different, but you will find times when you are more relaxed , free and happy... those times will become more and more and the sad ones less and less.

Definitely grey rock him , always steer conversation away from him or you and stick to the kids , weather etc ... he will try to pull some familiarity from you and Fuck giving him that.

Write down all the good things you come across as a result of him being gone , and at weak moments read them.

I've had not far off the same thing happen to me , it was hard but I realised the person I knew didn't exist anymore and accepted that I had to choice than to move on xxx

You daughter may be I'll because she's been stunned to his behaviour all along.not all because of him but he could have been the icing on the cake for her anxieties to multiply.
Kids get to an age where they need and deserve honesty.and yes we need to protect relationships.but there crosses a line in which they need protecting but also facts.sometimes it's harder if u stick up for the dickhead because they don't feel they can be honest with you about him.its a tough balance
But you are not stupid.
But you must act.
Get your life back.

Honestly I have no idea what he does with his wages!!! He would put £800 into our joint account every month and that is what I'd use to buy food and day to day stuff. I didn't have visibility of anything else. I'm such naive fool!!! I feel like I only have myself to blame for this mess. Not his behaviour with the OW, but for my financial naivety. What was I thinking?!?

I’m sorry this has happened to you - I have been where you are. I was married for 14 years and dropped like a hot potato when someone else came along. I thought it was the end of my world and could not see a future at all. I didn’t want to see a future without him in it. I’d been with him since I was 18 and I was 35 at the time. Now I’m 50 and as I look back I know it was the making of me! Life has been so much better since.

You will have a good day, a bad day an ok day. Sometimes your feelings change in the matter of minutes- it’s like a wave isn’t it? It will pass - it will get better. Just deal with every day as it comes.

You do need to get some really good legal advice as you are not on the mortgage of your home. Don’t underestimate him, assume that he will look to do you over financially. You need to be prepared to play hardball!

Oh and him being mean about the relationship is quite normal it’s a way of him making himself feel better for what he’s done.

you can do this and you will be happy again I guarantee it. good luck

I needed to read this today - thank you! I keep coming back and reading all the comments as they kind of keep me grounded. He sent me another vile message yesterday which really shook me. He really, really hates me!!! With so much venom. Surely I am the one that should be angry? Every time I get one of these texts he drops in a subtle dig about the house, so I'm back to panic mode about what to do, or what he's going to do. It's really been a bad week for me. I had been so strong and now I really feel like I have nothing left :(

Thank you. I am so sorry that you have had a similar experience but am really pleased to hear you have a full and happy life! It gives me hope!!

Why is is that they have to be so vile. Surely the act of walking out and causing all the trauma associated with that is enough? Why do they have to continue being so mean. My ex is behaving like he truly, truly hates me and I can't understand it. Falling out of love I can understand, but suddenly feeling so much hatred towards me I can't. I'm really not that bad! Haha xx

Thank you! I stupidly sent him what I thought was a "friendly" text about his living situation, with regards to him watching our dog for 3 nights while I take the children to see family on London, and he replied in the most vile way. He is so volatile. I am kicking myself for showing concern that he may not have anywhere to live that is suitable for having the dog. Why did I do that?! I need to do exactly what you say and keep any interaction cold and business like. I need to tell him now that I don't need him to look after the dog (our neighbour is going to have him) but I'm terrified of what his response is going to be. I can't believe after 22 as friends we can't even communicate about something so simple. It doesn't bode well for us being able to negotiate financial matters and everything else that needs sorting. I need to learn how to remove any emotion from my communication...

We are in Northamptonshire. If I have to move we have been completely priced out of our town, even if I were to downsize (which is what I would do!)

I really am hurting, it's like nothing I could have ever imagined. But I know I'm better off without him. The kids seem ok so I can be proud of how well I'm doing. But when I stop, when it's quiet, when I wake in the middle of the night I am in full panic mode. I'm not sure how to break this cycle of panic. If it was just me I would be living somewhere else already, I'd be treating it as the first day of the test of my life. But as I have ties, the children, the pets (not that he's showing any concern for either) and the bloody house I can't just move on.

I'm not feeling a massive amount of anger. I'm wondering if I'm just not there yet. I'm too busy using all my energy feeling panicky. I just want it all to be over already. I want to be happily living my life with my children without all of this stress and sadness hanging over our heads. I wish I'd never met him.

Thank you. I know it sounds mean but I really hope so! I know he is love bombing her right now, just as he did with me all those years ago. I know how loved and special she will be feeling. I just want the whole thing to go tits up so they both end up looking like the fools that they truly are!!

You are so right. I'm realising, slowly, just how abusive he was. It's terrifying how much of myself I have lost over the years. As I see little glimmers of myself shining through I am more and more convinced that this whole horrible situation is a blessing in disguise. I know eventually I will be better, stronger and happier. I want nothing more than to be free of it all. I'd love to get a little house for me and the children and our pets. To have a fresh start and start living our lives without the constant reminder of him everywhere. But my son (12) said he won't be my friend if I sell this house (it's not even mine to sell!!). I have so much to think about while my ex is thinking of nothing but himself.

I need more carefree days like this. They feel few and far between at the moment. I hope I can recall that sense of freedom as I really feel that it's that which will keep me going. At the moment I'm really, really struggling :(

Do you know what? I used to buy all his clothes too. What the hell?!?

Thank you so much. I will message you xxx

Thank you. I do think he's done me a favour by leaving. It's just so sad that, like with your sister, this has gone on for so long. How does she reconcile those lost or wasted years in her head? I'm really struggling to understand how or why I let this happen to me. I am so pleased your sister was brave enough to make the decision on her terms, I really wish that I could have done the same. I know the outcome would be the same, I'd still be struggling with finances etc, but at least my pride would still be partially in tact. The fact that I've been so easily replaced by a younger model really isn't helping my self esteem!!!

My solicitor did tell me my claim on the house would likely be greater than 50% because I was earning more than my ex when I gave up work to care for our children, and at the time my earning potential was greater than his. It still won't be enough to enable me to buy s new home for me and my children though.

All my family are in London :(

I had to Google "grey rock". I think you're right. We hardly have any contact and it's all only via text, but I have kept the tone friendly. No idea why! From here on in I will keep it neutral. For my own sanity if nothing else!!