Partner of 19 years just walked out. Help!!!

[AmyKnightrider]

Hi all, I've ended up here looking for advice and support on here as I feel like I've exhausted my friends with my grief over the last two months. On 26th March my partner of 19 years walked out on me and our two children. I was completely blindsided. Within 5 minutes of him telling me he was leaving he had packed his bags and was gone. I have not seen him since. He said he'd been having an emotional affair for 3 months but I can only assume that that was the tip of the iceberg.
I am struggling with everything at the moment. I'm still not able to eat due to the shock and have lost a stone and a half which at first I was happy about but now as the weight is continuing to drop off I'm not looking or feeling particularly great.
When he left he said I couldn't ask any questions and he wouldn't give me any answers. So 19 years as partners and 22 as friends gone in the blink of an eye and I have no chance of closure.
He did say "I'm leaving you, not the kids" but has barely seen them since. I forgot to say, when he left he said he was going to stay at his parents but he moved straight in with the other woman and has been living with her ever since. I can not fathom how he has switched from one life with his family to a new life with a new woman in the blink of an eye. We have a dog and a cat who he genuinely seemed to love, but he's been able to turn his back on them also. It's like he doesn't have any feelings. I've not spoken to him apart from via text and only about the children. He was being very vile and unreasonable, almost as if it were me that had had the affair!! Now it seems like he is trying to regain his composure as his messages have become a lot more "reasonable" although still rude, it feels like he is punishing me but I don't understand for what. He's the one that left!!
As the fog is slowly starting to life I am seeing that I have been subjected to mental abuse continually over the last 19 years. It is so embarrassing to admit but he has called me "mental" "irrational" and even "schizophrenic" if ever I've questioned his shady behaviour. That's been going on since I had a gut feeling that he'd cheated on me about a year into our relationship. He finally admitted it when he left!!! So I knew in my gut all along but allowed him to make me feel insecure, and genuinely doubt my own mental health for nearly 20 years!!!!!! I'm seeing signs that his complete lack of empathy and compassion and the way that he has controlled me over the years suggests that he is a narcissist. If the cap fits right?!? But how do I deal with this now? I feel so scared. I have two children, a dog, a cat, a house to look after. I have no time for me at all. I have felt so down today, struggling to get my work done. Still unable to eat. How do I start a new reality for myself and my children? I know that I am free from his control, so in the long run him leaving is the best thing I could have asked for, but right now I don't really feel like jumping for joy!! I don't know where to start with rebuilding my life. I don't even think I really know who I am anymore.

OP you are doing very well, you are way stronger than you think you are. I don't have much to add to some of the great advice on here except that I think if you can move back to your support system. I know you don't want to disrupt your son and his new school, but I have worked in schools for 25 years he will be fine. The most important thing is having a strong parent and he has that already-you!
Also read chump lady you will get some great support there!

Thank you so much. I do keep thinking that if I could just feel secure about the house I would feel so much better about everything. At the moment it is up in the air as I have no idea what his next move will be. He's obviously not thinking straight, or doesn't care about the pain he is causing, so I am fully expecting more news from him to throw my life into chaos again. If I was financially secure I'd happily never deal with him again. Just a shame I was stupid enough to have children with the idiot!!

Thank you x

He is ahead of you at the moment so you are bound to be reeling. I'm continually surprised at how people can leave without a backwards glance.

But of course he is all loved up. It will be interesting to see if his new relationship plans out once she realises he has responsibilities.

You will be okay. It will just take time.

He is probably feeding his family a pack of lies, sadly.

That's the problem, I think I'm still in denial that this has happened. How could someone behave like this? I can't comprehend it at all so I am stuck feeling numb and sad.

I found out to my cost a couple of years ago, how low someone can sink. I think we think we can know a person, but until that person is tested themselves in some way, we do not 100% know.

I think the sadness will be with you for quite some time. Maybe the numbness too.

Look after yourself.
It was he that broke that marriage. Not you.

I was in denial for a good 12 months. Not so much that he had gone but of the reality of what had actually gone down. I think at some level I expected him to say 'wtf have I done, im so sorry, forgive me' - but he never did 😁

Ive just planned mine and the kids first holiday on our next feb and I cant bloody weight.

Honestly he is her problem now, you just need to get on top with your stuff money wise and try and keep in touch with you friends. You will surprise yourself at the end of all this

Thank you! I took the kids and the dog on holiday a week after he left. It had been booked for months and I had paid for it so I didn't want to lose the money, plus the kids still really wanted to go. As I don't drive 😩 it took 5.5 hours on public transport but we made it an adventure and had a brilliant week. Obviously there were sad moments but we were too busy to think about things too much. I loved being in total control for once! I can't tell you how good it felt having responsibility for the holiday house keys! 😂 Also that we could eat whatever we fancied and go wherever we wanted to go! It did feel like we had found freedom!! Its just a shame that we came crashing back to reality when we got home.
I hope you have the best time when you go away, it's brilliant to have something like that to look forward to!! xx

If you have not done this already, please see a family solicitor asap.

You are in a difficult position having no rights to the house as it's in his name only.

You need to focus on the practical things, because he could decide to sell it although all of this needs sorting out legally. You have some equity in it, and will get its current value, in terms of the percentage of what you contributed.

Sorry you are going through this.

I have spoken with a solicitor and have drafted an email to my ex but have been too afraid to send it as I know when he gets it it will all kick off again. He can be very, very nasty. I am gearing up to sending it on Thursday as that will mark 2 months since he walked out.

What an indescribably horrible man your partner is. I'm so sorry, and so furious on your behalf.

Not now, but one day you will realise: the best revenge is a life well lived.

And you have everything stacked in your favour - the kids will one day see their dad for the turd he truly is, and realise how much better their life became once he stopped being a nasty stink in family life.

And your in laws, even if they are sticking by him, must at least have a few doubts.

And the OW - well hasnt she caught herself a prize.

Find your anger. Sell any of his stuff that you don't feel like keeping. Stuff the rest in bags at the back of the garage. If he's angry? You laugh in his face and say, "oh I'm sorry do you think you can still bully me now? I stood that for 22 years. Hardly gonna fly now, honey."

What a spineless man. I really hope there are no more bombshells to come. He doesn't get to say you're not allowed to ask questions, who does he think he is?!

Can you ask your solicitor to carry out all the communication?
I don't think it's a great idea for you to email your partner yourself.
It needs to be formal and from a 3rd party.

Instruct your solicitor to communicate and don't contact this man.

It must have been a real shock but the fact he took himself out could be seen as a bonus. Some women spends months, even years trying to get that to happen.

Do really consider moving near to your family - they will be able to help and support you. I know your son has just started secondary school but he will be unsettled with what is going on and may be less of an upheaval for him than you imagine.

Don't ask him any questions - you're not interested any more. He has done more than enough talking and it's time for him to wind his mouth in.

Don't answer texts immediately - check once or twice a day to get some control back in your life.

As for his clothes - his problem, not yours. Bag them and leave them outside and text his mother to collect them before the bin men do.

I have been in your situation exactly !
No one understands the excruciating pain of not only losing the life you thought you had but having no answers or reasons .
I promise it gets easier…sending you a big hug -now get mad at him and realise that there will never be an answer except that you were unlucky enough to have built a life with a flawed individual with no empathy or moral compass .
I know it doesn’t feel like it now -but your life will improve beyond your wildest dreams now you are free.

You need legal advice and what you are looking for is a messors order, how iwish I’d known about that. It allows you to stay in the house until the children are 18 at least. It does mean that you have to pay the bills on your own thought you won’t pay any more than you would if you were renting I can assure you.

As for the clothes … funny true story I when I split up with my ex-husband I was on the other side of the world and you know he had the audacity to ask the kids 3 1/2 years after we split up I don’t suppose mummy packed all my coats and clothes did she and brought them back with her 🤣🤣🤣

I mean that’s the level of entitlement that we are looking at here that I had to pack up my worldly goods and bring them home and he honestly expected that I would’ve brought his shit too And presumably pay the excess luggage 🤣🤣🤣
not to mention store them

Make sure you claim maintenance payments.

The trouble is with the OW is that when you’re not in a relationship with them they seem perfect - moving straight in together is going to show a side to each other that they haven’t seen before.

He needs to start having them on the weekends and things too - this will benefit them and give you some time to catch up on yourself. He can leave his wife but he absolutely can’t just leave his kids.

Being happily single is the most empowering thing ever.
Try and focus on the positives as you don’t want him to ever think you’re struggling without him.

well done for having the courage to put your feelings down. You are doing really well.
pass through the storm and you will find the rainbow. Sending virtual hugs to you and your DC

Have I got this right? The house deeds and mortgage are in his name and you aren't named on either? You aren't married?

If the above is true then you are in an unfortunate situation.

I'm so sorry about this.
For him to do it though,this is someone your better off without.
You need to look after yourself.mentally and physically.lots of self care at the minute.
Blimey,a society where losing weight is a great consequence of grief.what are we doing to our mental wellbeing! So firstly you need to eat.mentally too your body need nourishment to function.to even think.to do nothing but breathe in a day you need calories going on.if your not hungry ave whatever the hell you want but be regimented.get 3 meals and st least 3 snacks,your body needs to trust you again to get it's hunger back.your in fight flight mode now so everuthi twill feel scary .But you need energy from food to fight this feel stable and rationale.
Cuddle your kids.tak to them.especially if your dd has anxiety,be really on it and open.
Can any family cone and stay.
Can u call them for advice.or to talk thing through.you need people in rl to be there.
Your grieving a life you lived and a future your thought u had.thats hard.but it doesn't have to mean the end.its your time now.u can't change these decades gone,there your story chapters,bug you get to write the next ones.they don't determine your ending.

Did he have control over your name not being on the mortgage?

Exactly. Op have you paid towards the mortgage over the years?

@Babyroobs The OP did explain earlier that she had some equity in the property from when they bought it. she put some money towards the deposit after she sold her own property.

That is presumably all she will legally be entitled to , perhaps as a percentage of the value of the house now.

She also explained that it would not be enough to buy another house and her salary is quite low.

@AmyKnightrider You need to get on to this re. your solicitor. Although your children (and his of course) live there, you are not married so legally, I'm not sure where you stand. Another poster said you may be able to stay till your youngest is 18 but that could only apply to married couples- I don't know.