Partner of 19 years just walked out. Help!!!

[AmyKnightrider]

Hi all, I've ended up here looking for advice and support on here as I feel like I've exhausted my friends with my grief over the last two months. On 26th March my partner of 19 years walked out on me and our two children. I was completely blindsided. Within 5 minutes of him telling me he was leaving he had packed his bags and was gone. I have not seen him since. He said he'd been having an emotional affair for 3 months but I can only assume that that was the tip of the iceberg.
I am struggling with everything at the moment. I'm still not able to eat due to the shock and have lost a stone and a half which at first I was happy about but now as the weight is continuing to drop off I'm not looking or feeling particularly great.
When he left he said I couldn't ask any questions and he wouldn't give me any answers. So 19 years as partners and 22 as friends gone in the blink of an eye and I have no chance of closure.
He did say "I'm leaving you, not the kids" but has barely seen them since. I forgot to say, when he left he said he was going to stay at his parents but he moved straight in with the other woman and has been living with her ever since. I can not fathom how he has switched from one life with his family to a new life with a new woman in the blink of an eye. We have a dog and a cat who he genuinely seemed to love, but he's been able to turn his back on them also. It's like he doesn't have any feelings. I've not spoken to him apart from via text and only about the children. He was being very vile and unreasonable, almost as if it were me that had had the affair!! Now it seems like he is trying to regain his composure as his messages have become a lot more "reasonable" although still rude, it feels like he is punishing me but I don't understand for what. He's the one that left!!
As the fog is slowly starting to life I am seeing that I have been subjected to mental abuse continually over the last 19 years. It is so embarrassing to admit but he has called me "mental" "irrational" and even "schizophrenic" if ever I've questioned his shady behaviour. That's been going on since I had a gut feeling that he'd cheated on me about a year into our relationship. He finally admitted it when he left!!! So I knew in my gut all along but allowed him to make me feel insecure, and genuinely doubt my own mental health for nearly 20 years!!!!!! I'm seeing signs that his complete lack of empathy and compassion and the way that he has controlled me over the years suggests that he is a narcissist. If the cap fits right?!? But how do I deal with this now? I feel so scared. I have two children, a dog, a cat, a house to look after. I have no time for me at all. I have felt so down today, struggling to get my work done. Still unable to eat. How do I start a new reality for myself and my children? I know that I am free from his control, so in the long run him leaving is the best thing I could have asked for, but right now I don't really feel like jumping for joy!! I don't know where to start with rebuilding my life. I don't even think I really know who I am anymore.

I'm really trying but it is so hard. I am exhausted, while he is out there behaving like a love struck teenager

Thank you

Oh he has completely re-written our entire history. Apparently he couldn't communicate with me. Didn't even like me for the last 4 years! None of his family knew, none of our close friends knew. I obviously didn't bloody know!!! He's turned into someone who is unrecognisable. I can't reconcile this at all in my head. His family are supporting him, which to me feels like they are enabling him, so they're pretty much written off in my eyes. I've had no support from any of them in the last two months and that is so painful

Thank you so much. In the first couple of weeks I was quite productive, but now I'm just so very tired. I did bag up all his clothes but when I told him he went MAD and said I knew that he didn't have anywhere to keep them at the moment. Well actually no, I don't know that because he hasn't told me anything about his living situation. He's not told me anything at all. And remember, I'm not allowed to ask him any questions and he won't be giving me any answers. That's what he said when he left!!

I do need to get a new bed. I think that is a very good idea!! And nice new girlie bedding ☺️

Thank you. I keep going into panic mode when I think about the future. Money worries, feeling lonely, Christmas just the 3 of us. It is all just so painful. It almost feels like I am torturing myself. I need to start doing as you day and just take one day at a time.

I'm trying! At first he was so vile in his messages to me. So angry. Now he's being more "reasonable" which is really putting me on edge. I feel like I'm waiting for the next big bomb to drop and hope to goodness that I'm strong enough to deal with whatever it it when it comes!!!

You will put yourself together. Im two years in and just starting to feel happy and the 'real me'.

You will take stock of your entire relationship and spend time realising how much you took and how much of a cunt he was.

It took me so long to start feeling normal because I went in to crisis mode of 'how do I afford the house? are the kids ok? can I pay the bills? and work.

Its funny because I kicked him out because I found he was cheating and he was white hot with rage and was the most verbally abusive person I have ever met, he had never shown this side to me when we met he was just a huge fucking gas lighter and compulsive liar. I honestly think its because they hate themselves and it has to pour outwardly.

One thing I do regret is being placid. I wish I had kicked back more but because I was trying to 'steady the boat' I took a lot of shit on the chin I shouldn't have. I want the kids to have a smooth ride and with that I threw myself under the bus.

But honestly - you will walk out of this - changed but better x

Yes you're right, he told me he'd been having an emotional affair for 3 months, but the penny finally dropped this week that seeing as he is incapable of telling the truth those three months are more likely to be at least 6. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. His behaviour at home had not changed at all. How is it possible to live s double life like that. How did he not show any signs of guilt?? My heart honestly races if I try to think about it.

Thank you! He has, throughout our entire relationship called me "mental", 'irrational" and even schizophrenic for goodness sakes if ever I questioned anything that my gut was saying felt wrong. It sounds so silly but I did start questioning myself. Why couldn't I trust him, why was I suspicious, why was my gut telling me things. I was right all along but he would look me in the eyes and deny, deny, deny. It was always turned around on my and my mental state. I hate to think about it now, bit he has also used these exact words to describe our daughter who suffers with anxiety. I am starting to wonder if it was his presence causing her anxiety and my own 😔

I'd bag up his stuff and take it round his parents. And change your locks so he can't try to just waltz back in again once it doesn't work out with the current victim.

If his name is on the house then consider selling up and moving ASAP.

As for food, do you have family that can watch the kids for a night and you can take yourself out to a nice place to eat? You'll probably be more inclined to want to eat something you haven't had to cook.

I work part time (25 hours a week) but only earn £16.5k a year. He earns £120k so we are not in the same league financially. He is the only name on the mortgage and all the bills etc. I have been asking for years to go on the bills as I had more time to look for cheaper deals etc. It never happened. I asked to go on the mortgage when I started working again. Never happened. He has kept me completely blind to all financial matters to do with our home. We have a joint account which we would use to buy food but I have never had any visibility of what comes into or goes out of his account. How did I let this happen?!?!

I'm scared that he is hiding money already. He was clearing £6k a month but used to tell me he had no money left at the end of the month. He MUST have been creating an escape fund.

I needed to read this today, thank you so much xxx

Thank you, I am sorry to hear that you have been through this too. I can't even imagine still feeling like this in a years time 😔 I do know we'll be better off in the long run, it is just so painful and I'm so weak from not eating that just getting through the day is really, really hard xx

You say partner...are you not married? Maybe I missed that part. How old are the kids?

It would be wise to see a solicitor assap op. He may well try to turf you out but if you're the primary caregiver for the children in the residence then that'll be harder for him.

Tbh though, I'd look to move to a place of my own ASAP. Even if it means renting a small place.

Is there anything in the house you could sell without him knowing, to make some extra cash up before before go?

Obviously get your own accoout opengASAP and make sure your work puts the money in there from now on.

Yes, I'd never want him back but I would hope that this will be true one day! xx

I tried this today. Went to the supermarket and just bought everything I thought I fancied. As a result I had a trifle for breakfast 😂 and a bit of a roll for lunch so not amazing but better than nothing. I'm exhausted, too tired to eat almost. Cooking for the kids when I have no appetite is so hard!!

Get your Universal credit claim in ASAP OP. You will be fine with a top op and the CM he will be paying on his wage. 17.5% I think.

Contact your local housing office and ask them for advice re your housing. You might end up with a lovely new build council house.

Get some milkshakes and ready meals. I fed the dc for a month on posh ready meals when I kicked exh out. I couldn't function. Mental abuse is awful. I've still not recovered but I'm a lot happier.

Make an effort with friends and acquaintances. Tell them how shit it is for you and go out with them. Try new things - open water swimming is a popular new hobby. Get on meet up. Book a holiday for you and dc, or days out. Have things to look forward too.

You will feel like shit. Just accept it and try to let it go. Get some audio books and listen to them, get out in nature, get to a beach, go see a sunrise up Pen Y Fan. Do exciting things and life will start feeling good again. Be strong when he comes back, they all come back when you move on. Be happy, bright and breezy and when he does tell him to fuck right off.

Thank you. I am sure you are right. My head just needs to rule my heart I suppose!! I almost feel sorry for the OW, although she deserves no sympathy as she obviously encouraged all of this behaviour. He could have sat down and spoken to me. Behaved like an adult. Instead he chose to do it in the most painful way possible, the day before mother's Day and two before my birthday. He went out with a bang that's for sure!!! It's like he went for maximum carnage and pain and I will never, ever understand why that was necessary.

How did you let it happen? You trusted him. That it. Its on him not you.

The escape fund will be found with forensic accountants in your divorce

Honestly fuck him. He really did do you a favour. I look at my ex now and I don't recognise him as a person.

get a solicitor

focus on the practical things

regardless he has left the family and planned it

because he is a prick. Its that simple.

My ex used to start a massive row the night before my birthday. cock

You sound so lovely OP, but I just want to say, moving back to.near your family is absolutely possible, your children will settle into a new school, and extended family support will be so beneficial for both you and them.

Your ex partner sounds absolutely disgusting, and it's easy to say he's done you a favour by moving out, and you will come to realise this in the long term, but now understandably your a confused and hurting, so be very kind to yourself, absolutely none of this is your fault at all.

Oh....and get a CMS claim in ASAP.

I would say:

I do have question some that you Must answers such as the finances, childcare arrangements, practicalities such as post etc

i do have questions that I’d like answered and if and when you are able to have an adult normal conversations perhaps you will realise that after a 20 year relationship the decent human thing to do is to have a reasonable conversation and answer my personal questions. You are right that I can’t ‘force you to’ but neither can you stop me and others from having them - chosing to response so aggressively to this reflects on you not me.

the children will have questions and like the above some must be answered such as ‘when and where will you see us’ ‘where are you living’ etc as children they are the first priority.
as you rightly said you are leaving me but not them - but you have also left the family and home.
the children need to know how to move forward and what is going to happen - this is not you telling me - ‘how it is going to be’ but you discussing this is an active and compromising way to put the children and not yourself first.

As this happened in March and it is now May nearly June I hope you have calmed down enough to have the above conversations.

kind regards
me

Thank you. I do just want him to have a sad and lonely miserable life 😂 but even just saying that makes me feel bad. I think I had all of the empathy in our relationship and he had none. I did see this, but I ignored it, so it is really hard not to blame myself for being in this stupid situation now.