Partner of 19 years just walked out. Help!!!

[AmyKnightrider]

Hi all, I've ended up here looking for advice and support on here as I feel like I've exhausted my friends with my grief over the last two months. On 26th March my partner of 19 years walked out on me and our two children. I was completely blindsided. Within 5 minutes of him telling me he was leaving he had packed his bags and was gone. I have not seen him since. He said he'd been having an emotional affair for 3 months but I can only assume that that was the tip of the iceberg.
I am struggling with everything at the moment. I'm still not able to eat due to the shock and have lost a stone and a half which at first I was happy about but now as the weight is continuing to drop off I'm not looking or feeling particularly great.
When he left he said I couldn't ask any questions and he wouldn't give me any answers. So 19 years as partners and 22 as friends gone in the blink of an eye and I have no chance of closure.
He did say "I'm leaving you, not the kids" but has barely seen them since. I forgot to say, when he left he said he was going to stay at his parents but he moved straight in with the other woman and has been living with her ever since. I can not fathom how he has switched from one life with his family to a new life with a new woman in the blink of an eye. We have a dog and a cat who he genuinely seemed to love, but he's been able to turn his back on them also. It's like he doesn't have any feelings. I've not spoken to him apart from via text and only about the children. He was being very vile and unreasonable, almost as if it were me that had had the affair!! Now it seems like he is trying to regain his composure as his messages have become a lot more "reasonable" although still rude, it feels like he is punishing me but I don't understand for what. He's the one that left!!
As the fog is slowly starting to life I am seeing that I have been subjected to mental abuse continually over the last 19 years. It is so embarrassing to admit but he has called me "mental" "irrational" and even "schizophrenic" if ever I've questioned his shady behaviour. That's been going on since I had a gut feeling that he'd cheated on me about a year into our relationship. He finally admitted it when he left!!! So I knew in my gut all along but allowed him to make me feel insecure, and genuinely doubt my own mental health for nearly 20 years!!!!!! I'm seeing signs that his complete lack of empathy and compassion and the way that he has controlled me over the years suggests that he is a narcissist. If the cap fits right?!? But how do I deal with this now? I feel so scared. I have two children, a dog, a cat, a house to look after. I have no time for me at all. I have felt so down today, struggling to get my work done. Still unable to eat. How do I start a new reality for myself and my children? I know that I am free from his control, so in the long run him leaving is the best thing I could have asked for, but right now I don't really feel like jumping for joy!! I don't know where to start with rebuilding my life. I don't even think I really know who I am anymore.

Get your name down for your local council housing list & any housing associations that don't go through the council then you have made the first step if he wants you out of your home, it will save time if you have already been accepted on the lists. Where in the country are you?

Yes I read that but just because you've put money into a previous property does not mean you ahve any claim on the current house if your name isn't on the deeds, unless there is paperwork to say op gets that money back? It's a very precarious position to be honest. Agree op needs to see a solicitor asap.

No absolutely do not do this, go and get yourself some legal advice, some people on here are talking absolute shite, you need a solicitor don’t listen to this stuff please.

I’m really sorry, OP. My exH went off with his OW after 22 years, 16 of them married and we had 3 kids. He was ‘struggling with the monotony’ apparently. Wanker. I can’t promise it will be easy, but I have a great relationship with my kids and a lovely little social life. I work in a fairly low paid job but it’s stress free and that makes it worth it. I, too, lost weight and it was quite the bonus. Sadly started to regain it all after a couple of years. I’m 10 years down the line now and only contact exH if I have too and by email only. The kids are all adults now and manage their own relationship with him.

Your exP is following the script, you ‘were an awful partner who made his life miserable’ or in reality a perfectly normal OH getting on with everyday life. It was a huge mid-life crisis for my ex, he could see life continuing in boring domesticity and he wanted some excitement. He’s actually just swapped one wife for another. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My ExH was vile to me during my divorce settlement and continued to be mean especially financially to the detriment of his kids lives, but just saw maintenance as giving me his money. He only ever contributed the bare legal minimum. I think he wanted to justify to himself his own behaviour by making me out to be horrible, but I wasn’t and didn’t deserve his cruelty.

TBH, even after 10 years I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. I know holding on to that bitterness isn’t recommended but it won’t go away, sadly. I don’t miss him one bit, but do miss having a partner. So maybe in time you should think about dating. Good luck.

But how do I deal with this now?

treat him with disdain, cold and uninterested, keep any interaction businesslike and have as little contact as possible

if he is a narcissist it will be difficult to co parent

look at claiming UC, you'll are eligible up to around £40k as a single parent - will depend on dc ages and childcare etc

grieve for your past life and then slowly rebuild your new life, use meet-ups online for local groups to get out and about

good luck

You can be pretty sure that this other woman will soon be treated in the same way. It won’t be long before she has her suspicions. You are free and she soon won’t be unless he ups and leaves her. Behaviour like his doesn’t change. This is a turning point in your life. Make the most of it.

If you are wanting to move back near to your family then consider HA or council list there. If you have family connections they may consider your application, but I think it does depend how long you have been away from the area. It would be worth enquiring though.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I would be in survival mode right now. I would move near my family for much needed support, switching schools is fine. My year 7 dc has a best friend who is moving school this year as they have moved house and is actually quite excited about the new school. As a child I moved in year 10 and it only took me a few weeks to realise it was the best thing for me.
As long as you are in his house he has control over you. I would cut all ties. Get your share of the house, I know you said it won't be much but it is better than nothing.
Gather your financial records so you can prove what you contributed to the deposit and house hold bills.
He sounds like an abusive person who will do what he can to upset you.
Once you are in your own place with your kids and he has no hold over you, you will feel a weight off your shoulders. Even if a rented place is all you can afford it will be worth it. Furnish it as you like and start anew.

Thank you! I took the kids and the dog on holiday a week after he left. It had been booked for months and I had paid for it so I didn't want to lose the money

That line slipped in under the radar but is very telling. He earns 6x what you do, but you were the one paying for a holiday.

OP there'll be some tough times ahead. Sad but true. However one day at a time you will get through this. And then the day will come that you'll wake up and you'll feel happy and free - just like you were on holiday but then it'll be every day.
Hang in there.

Hi op
So so sorry to hear your situation, I’m now divorced after 20 years together.
due to bad Domestic violence, he pulled every trick in the book, I lost my home I’m going through the trauma of trying to get housing help.
i had a breakdown & recently diagnosed with ptsd so it’s fair to say I get you.
reading your post it felt so familiar the same numb feeling being just lost.
however I do have a lot of experience now and I’m happy to help in anyway way I can.
im just rushing at the min but had to reach out when I read your post.
please though if you need a shoulder or any advise about next steps housing all that just you message me.
if one person can benefit from my mysery and experience it’s well worth it so chin up we’re all here for you 😉
you got this chick!
take care & be kind to yourself x

Thank you. I am almost starting to feel like he has just shown me that he is the person that I always knew he was but so desperately hoped he wasn't. It's so painful. I feel so stupid. And embarrassed.

Do not put your name down for a council house. You have a claim on your house. Get legal advice immediately. I believe you are entitled to more than 50% due to your being the main carer and the kids living with you.
Your ex sounds exactly like my exBIL. Nasty piece of work, gaslit my sister for 20 years. She called him out and asked him to leave. It's been hard but life is soooo much better for her and it will be for you as well. He needs to be paying you and the kids maintenance. Do not accept anything he tells you. Speak to a lawyer. I would also find a support group. Trying reaching out to your local women's refugee they will be able to provide you with excellent advice. It's a good thing he's gone, good for both you and your DC.

I doubt very much that the OP will get 50% of the house. They are not married, She is not a joint owner. Marriage provides protection in cases like this. she is effectively just living in someone else's house. If he wants to sell it, he can.

OP please ignore the advice about trying to get council property. You need to sit tight and see a solicitor about what to do next- and let them do the writing to this man, not you.

Out of interest, what advice did they give you? You said a fe w posts back that you have already spoken to a solicitor.

Oh OP I am sorry you are going through this, BUT, that carefree feeling you had whilst you were on holiday without him....? That, is how the rest of your life can feel now. Once you get through the pain and logistics, a shiny new life awaits. One where you are able to make decisions/be spontaneous/decide how to spend your money/choose what to watch on tv/raise your kids your way. It's all there waiting.

He is re-writing history - it's standard behaviour to make himself feel less guilty about leaving. He is a fucking piece of shit.

Sorry op sounds like he gaslighted you your entire relationship

have you applied to the cms for maintenance with that level of salaray you should get quite a bit which will help you out

Well on the positive side of things OP (and I appreciate there don't feel any positives at this stage- ) he's a high earner, so his child payments will be quite high for quite a while yet provided he remains a high earner

This 100%

Unless your ex & his family are making firm consistent efforts to support you & your DC, then don’t rule out in-year school transfers & moving to an area closer to your support network of family & friends.

Think longer term.

Your DCs will survive the move & new schools, particularly if they have more support from closer family & friends, & you will be thriving.

Open a bank account in your own name in a different bank. Slowly move money from your joint account into your personal account. Then when he starts to withhold money (and he will) you will have a cushion.
Also prepay anything you can from the joint account. Pay the insurance annually instead of monthly. Pay kid's school lunches monthly instead of weekly. Buy grocery/pharmacy gift cards and save them.
Take your pets to the vet for annual shots. Buy pet insurance and pay for the year instead of monthly. Stock up on food and meds. They are family too.
Book and prepay driving lessons. If you don't think you can drive, what about lessons for your oldest child?

Start siphoning off from the joint account so when he closes it you will not be left with nothing.

Just want to say, be strong, you can do this. You have so much to look forward in life. I hope karma comes back and bites him in the ass. I'm praying that you have the most wonderful life ahead because you seem like such a loving mother. Genuinely wish you all the best! Be strong! Xx

This is so hard I know. I’m so sorry- it will get better I promise and you will shine. Shocks like this can end up being really positive. Don’t over focus on working out if he’s a narcissist or not. I understand wanting to make sense of stuff but it seems to be the conclusion lots of people come to and it seems to make people stay in the victim stage for far longer than is healthy. Just my two pence. Make the focus about you and the kids. Work on you. Take responsibility for anything you can and get the legal stuff in order ASAP. His horrible attitude is guilt. Vile for you but just ignore it. Sending love.

Almost every woman I know who had this happen reports the same. I'd not have believed it if I hadn't seen a really lovely man I know very well turn into a cold hearted monster before my eyes just so he could justify leaving. It's a common pattern.

You feel like hell but you are becoming empowered. Losing that weight will feel fine once you can start eating healthily again. Try to feed yourself good food, in small portions if you need. Do some exercise and get your hair cut. Buy new clothes for your new body size. Focus on you and your life, and a good life for your children, going forward.

Could have written this myself! Very very similar situation, although I ended it after finding out... again! 2 kids and a dog and no idea how I'll survive but just wanted to say how well you've done to keep everything going! X

He (mentally) abuses his daughter, there's no way I'd send them to him unless there was a court order I couldn't get out of.