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Original poster

MIL strange question

343 replies

JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 13:28

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

  • Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months
  • MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

  • She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.
  • I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.
  • DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.
  • MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

OP posts:
Dashdotdotdash · 23/05/2022 16:24

Thanks I agree I'm in charge it's just DP won't allow MIL to be upset so sometimes I have to compromise and not be in charge just to keep her happy

Make it clear to him that he needs to start thinking about whether he will allow you to be upset, particularly if he wants an ongoing relationship with you (and his child).

Dashdotdotdash · 23/05/2022 16:28

@AnAfternoonWalk, do you have intimate knowledge of the layout of every maternity suite in the country? In a lot of hospitals space is at a premium and they certainly don't have space for a waiting area ( which won't be used that often) near to the Labour suite. In our local hospital, if people insist on waiting they have to sit on the floor in the corridor or go and sit in outpatients.

WhoopItUp · 23/05/2022 16:29

Just say no. It’s not the norm to have a MiL at the north. You need to be firm and shit down any suggestion of this early on. This is your experience, not hers.

WhoopItUp · 23/05/2022 16:29
  • oops shut down. Not shitting hopefully 🙏
TheHighStreetsAreDying · 23/05/2022 16:30

OP, unlike others who are seeking to minimise your concerns here, I am very much understanding your wavelength. Because that could have been me, except for a few hundred miles of water between me, DH and MIL.

Even then, after a horrendous induction/ventous deilvery that ended in the early hours of the morning, my DH went and phoned his DPs (the days before mobiles were a thing) and the next thing I know, the hospital switchboard have put them through to the delivery room where I'm still being stitched up! Honestly, you couldn't make it up how awful that was (and if we weren't separated by a few hundred miles of water, MIL would have turned up uninvited at 4am too...)

Seriously, my nethers are being stitched back together and I'm having the phone passed to me to speak to my MIL minutes after giving birth...

I wish I'd been stronger (I was for DC 2 and 3) but I have to say, my relationship with DH was altered irreparably from the experience of giving birth to DC1. It did take a few years, and few more examples of MIL overstepping, but eventually we had to go NC, but by then the damage was done in the relationship between me and DH too, because his mum's feelings always came first over mine.

OP, you have to take charge NOW. Not when the baby is born, but now. Tonight. Otherwise you will end up like me.

Good luck.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 16:34

TheHighStreetsAreDying · 23/05/2022 16:30

OP, unlike others who are seeking to minimise your concerns here, I am very much understanding your wavelength. Because that could have been me, except for a few hundred miles of water between me, DH and MIL.

Even then, after a horrendous induction/ventous deilvery that ended in the early hours of the morning, my DH went and phoned his DPs (the days before mobiles were a thing) and the next thing I know, the hospital switchboard have put them through to the delivery room where I'm still being stitched up! Honestly, you couldn't make it up how awful that was (and if we weren't separated by a few hundred miles of water, MIL would have turned up uninvited at 4am too...)

Seriously, my nethers are being stitched back together and I'm having the phone passed to me to speak to my MIL minutes after giving birth...

I wish I'd been stronger (I was for DC 2 and 3) but I have to say, my relationship with DH was altered irreparably from the experience of giving birth to DC1. It did take a few years, and few more examples of MIL overstepping, but eventually we had to go NC, but by then the damage was done in the relationship between me and DH too, because his mum's feelings always came first over mine.

OP, you have to take charge NOW. Not when the baby is born, but now. Tonight. Otherwise you will end up like me.

Good luck.

Almost like I had written that post myself thank you so much for your kind words. I'll update here tonight on our discussion. It's a concern for me more so once I've had our daughter that she will be waiting outside (even at 2 in the morning) and I'll be fighting with DP not to let her in. The knowing she is waiting also is going to cause me stress during labour that I don't need.

We would never be able to go NC with his family as he has made it clear to me he always needs his family in his life.

OP posts:
clockbuscanada · 23/05/2022 16:34

Just to add that if you do a mobile phone blackout (good idea - we had no signal in the end anyway, which would have been a good thing to tell them even if we had) get your DP to tell MIL that she should NOT phone the hospital constantly for updates either.

My MIL did this, lied and said she was my mum, and DH ended up having to leave me during a difficult birth because the staff asked him to sort the situation out.

I'm not saying this to worry you, but just to make sure you have all your bases covered in this conversation he needs to have with your MIL.

Happylittlethoughts · 23/05/2022 16:37

She didn't say she wanted to be at the birth... am I missing something?

DaleTrimont · 23/05/2022 16:38

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/05/2022 13:35

I don't find it odd that someone would ask the mother of a pregnant woman if she would be attending the birth - for lots of women this is perfectly normal. Surely its just conversation?

Agree with this.
Also you are pregnant, not your partner. Why the “we are pregnant” ?

CPL593H · 23/05/2022 16:38

A small thing from your OP and I am honestly not having a pop about the wording, just a reminder; you and DP are not pregnant. YOU are pregnant and you will be giving birth and the decision about who you have involved, be it DP/DP plus your DM/those two plus the band of the Grenadier guards should be entirely governed by what you feel comfortable with (and what the hospital allows, obviously)

Anything else is unreasonable.

momtoboys · 23/05/2022 16:38

As mum to 5 males (two teens, three early 20's) I am ashamed to admit that I think about these types of things fairly regularly. I think she was asking because she is worried she will be left out and be considered less of a granny than your mum. I know you don't have much of a relationship with her (and I hope my situation will be different when it is my time) so that certainly does make a difference, but I completely get where she is coming from. You are certainly allowed to have who you want in your orbit.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 23/05/2022 16:40

Waiting areas right near to the labour and delivery wards are a thing on TV shows because it’s often necessary for the story. In real life mothers midwives and doctors really don’t want extra people hanging around labour and delivery. You’re either in the room as a birth partner or you visit the postnatal ward afterwards during visiting hours. Or you don’t because covid. In my hospital there was a waiting room for women coming in for checkups during pregnancy and possibly it was used by women coming in when labour started (I started in the middle of the night at the weekend when that room was shut). There was no waiting room on the labour and delivery floor as far as I know. There probably are some chairs somewhere for birth partners who sometimes get kicked out of the OR for C sections.

Phobiaphobic · 23/05/2022 16:41

Birth is one of the most intense and vulnerable moments of your life. You have an absolute right to dictate who is around you and when. You. Not your husband, nor your MIL. This is not the time to be worrying about other people's wishes or feelings - only yours count.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 16:43

@AnAfternoonWalk 😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Dashdotdotdash · 23/05/2022 16:44

Happylittlethoughts · 23/05/2022 16:37

She didn't say she wanted to be at the birth... am I missing something?

Yes, she said that when she first heard OP was pregnant. It sounds like the latest conversation may well be reinforcing that.

Lollypop701 · 23/05/2022 16:46

If mil wants to be involved she’s going to have to offer an olive branch to op, because op is the gateway to the baby, especially as she is breastfeeding. Doesn’t sound like she has made any effort so far.
Bearing in mind mil doesn’t count you as family as you are not married , has your Dp asked you to marry him? If he hasn’t then this would be a concern for me. He knows his families views, has told you they will always be in his life … you should be his first priority especially whilst pregnant.

you have a dh problem. Mil is just a symptom

LocalHobo · 23/05/2022 16:49

I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in
But your Mother will be there?

Sortilege · 23/05/2022 16:50

Maybe she's not getting at anything? And just asking your DM if she'll be there?

This. I can’t see the inference of “I want to be there too” in that simple question.

Maybe you’re just expecting trouble if she’s generally hard work?

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 16:51

LocalHobo · 23/05/2022 16:49

I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in
But your Mother will be there?

Not after birth no.

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 23/05/2022 16:52

Phobiaphobic · 23/05/2022 16:41

Birth is one of the most intense and vulnerable moments of your life. You have an absolute right to dictate who is around you and when. You. Not your husband, nor your MIL. This is not the time to be worrying about other people's wishes or feelings - only yours count.

This 100%.

For everyone justifying MILs actions by effectively saying it's unfair OPs mum is getting 'first dibs' on the baby... If this is the case, the perhaps MIL needs to remember her own birth experience (and stop being so selfish). This is not about her, she will get her time to meet the baby but not whilst mum is still recovering in hospital after delivery.

Original poster
JulyDreams · 23/05/2022 16:52

Sortilege · 23/05/2022 16:50

Maybe she's not getting at anything? And just asking your DM if she'll be there?

This. I can’t see the inference of “I want to be there too” in that simple question.

Maybe you’re just expecting trouble if she’s generally hard work?

You could be right but as she doesn't speak to me I'm just second guessing everything unfortunately.

OP posts:
Dashdotdotdash · 23/05/2022 16:53

Sortilege · 23/05/2022 16:50

Maybe she's not getting at anything? And just asking your DM if she'll be there?

This. I can’t see the inference of “I want to be there too” in that simple question.

Maybe you’re just expecting trouble if she’s generally hard work?

And maybe OP is thinking about the fact that MIL registered her wish to be there as soon as she learned of the pregnancy.

Calphurnia88 · 23/05/2022 16:56

LocalHobo · 23/05/2022 16:49

I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in
But your Mother will be there?

And what if she is? Why are people ignoring the fact that this is OPs MUM, who is there to support her DAUGHTER during a MEDICAL PROCEDURE.

This is not battle of the grannies!

Maray1967 · 23/05/2022 17:04

Make it crystal clear to him this evening that his mum is not to be there or be given updates. If you are stressed this risks a prolonged labour - your wellbeing is the absolute priority. Make your concerns known to your midwife.
I am a mum of sons and I do not think I should have the same treatment if I am lucky enough to have a pregnant daughter in law as her mum. it is entirely natural that a pregnant mum might want her mum there but not her MIL - the relationship is not usually the same. There is no way my lovely MIL would have forced her way in - because she has sense.

AMindNeedsBooks · 23/05/2022 17:04

Vsirbdo · 23/05/2022 13:37

You certainly do not need to have her there! From my experience hospitals don’t have waiting rooms either for people giving birth so at best she’d be somewhere within the hospital but I’d have a conversation with your DP about this and suggest that you don’t tell anyone you’re in labour and just announce the baby’s arrival.
I think you need to talk to him about boundaries when the baby is born and that his mum can’t just take over or expect to be at your home for hours while you’re trying to bond with the new baby.
it might also help to talk to your midwife about how visiting in the hospital can be managed

So, don't tell anyone other than OP Mum? So her DH Mum isn't important but hers is? OP, of course, doesn't need to have anyone there she doesn't want and the MIL hasn't asked. I think her wanting to be in the vicinity is being supportive as is giving clothes even if they're second hand, she doesn't sound like a monster. I also don;t understand the upset of MIL telling her son he looks nice?

For someone to not let their OH even tell their Mum their grandchild was on the way despite their Mum actually witnessing it, is awful!