MIL strange question

[JulyDreams]

So sorry this is so long but thanks to anyone who can read this or at least offer a listening sympathetic ear (or eye!) Just wanted a bit of an opinion really.

MIL bumped into my Mum when out shopping apparently a couple of days ago, Mum updated me on this. Mum said it was very nice to see her etc and they exchanged pleasantries. However MIL asked my Mother a very odd question (is it odd?) she said ‘Will you be at the birth?’

What is she getting at?

My Mum responded ‘if I am wanted I will be there’, not saying yes or no. This is the first time they have seen each other since my pregnancy has been announced. MIL usually doesn’t respond to texts even from my mum or myself, it’s difficult to get hold of her but when DP texts she answers.

Why would MIL want to be at the birth and is it something I should allow even though it’s not my wishes?

Bit of background:

• Me and DP are pregnant with our first and due in a couple of months

• MIL is known to be quite controlling and she does get quite involved when it comes to my DP (who is her youngest of 2 son’s)- she comments on his hair and clothes around me and how nice he looks all the time (he is 32)

-She doesn’t have a close relationship with me at all but it’s always been that way. Sends cards on DP’s behalf without me knowing putting his name in it and not mine.

• She also has not really bought anything for her new Grandchild due soon except a couple of hand me downs from previous grandchildren, not really made an effort towards me in my pregnancy.

• I last saw her beginning of Feb this year. Has not made an attempt to see me in my pregnancy at all.

• DP’s job involves having to pick up metalwork from his parent’s house as they run their own metalwork supply business. So his mum sees him a couple of times a week, gives him lunch, without me having to bother them. Hence why she doesn’t reach out to me at all as she is still getting to see her son. I understand that but I wish her and FIL made an effort with us both or at least visited us in our home.

• MIL does not recongise us as a couple as we aren’t married. She will never admit this but it is obvious. When we announced we were pregnant she was pretty shocked as if it has knocked her world sideways.

I am worried now she is going to pressure DP into making her be at the birth. I am already genuinely terrified and only wanted my DP and my mother their to hold my hand, they are the closest two people to me in my whole life and having them their would help me due to a risk of couple of compilations for me anyway.

She has said to DP if she is not at the birth then she will wait in the waiting room!!?? DP told me this and apparently has agreed. I didn’t even know our hospital had a waiting room as far as I knew!! I am now scared because as soon as I have the baby she is going to turn up without my control. I wanted to spend the time with DP bonding and getting use to becoming parents. We also wanted to try breastfeeding her now I feel we wont have a chance due to MIL barging in. Is there anyway I can inform the midwives or shove on my birth plan that I don’t want any visitors after?

Do I have any control over this? I am wondering whether to chat to my midwife about how I am feeling about all this. I am feeling quite low about all this and this supposed to be the happiest time for myself and DP and all we have had is pressure. Am I the nasty one here?

Hey op, thisis the one time when you get to legitimately be in charge and out your needs first. This is about you giving birth, nothing to do with your mil. You need to have a really clear conversation with your dh, maybe with your midwife in the room so he can advocate for you and explain just what you are about to go through. It is entirely your choice and you don't have to see her immediately after either. My own dm was very out out that I didn't want her to be at my birth.

Great idea from @UniversalAunt to declare your labour room a mobile-free zone.

Another thing to point out to DP is that having his mum 'waiting in the waiting room' or constantly on the phone for updates will make things very tricky for both of you should the birth not go to plan.

My story (not wildly uncommon): first birth, slow progress, baby's heart rate causing concern and eventually delivered by emergency C-section in very poor condition. Baby stopped breathing, needed resus and spent four days in NICU.

Even before the birth, and even though we don't have problematic parents, DH and I had decided on a 'news blackout' until after the birth. No live updates. Thank goodness we'd decided that. Having to worry about other people (however well-meaning their concern) while we were going through all this would have just been tooooooo stressful.

Your body, your birth, your baby.

You also need to explain to your dp that you are a couple and agree on things about baby and visitors etc , considering both your views

This. When I had mine there were no phone calls (texts didn’t exist then) until the baby was safely born. Nobody knew I was in labour. It’s the best way.

Thank you so much for your comment I'm going to update tonight on here after our discussion.

If he is still hot about his mother waiting outside (which is already getting my anxiety up) and knowing her she will be hanging around the labour doors .. then I'm going to suggest I just have my mother with me or at least my sister who would be fantastic.

Provided you insist, when it comes to the birth of your child you are totally in control. Your DP cannot override your wishes, and his mother certainly can't. Just make it absolutely clear to the hospital that the only person you want there is your DP, no-one else, even if he invites them in.

MIL won't deign to communicate with you but wants to look up your fanny?

Nope. Your problem is that you do not trust your partner to keep your secrets, and you do not get any respect from his mother. Which is a situation your partner is tolerating.

None of this is likely to get easier when the baby comes, so start standing up for yourself.

I'm not really getting the issue here. She doesn't call you or come to your house. You rarely see her. So just...don't do anything. If she asks your DP if she can be there, he can't answer for you so nothing will come of it.

This isn't an American sitcom, you don't rush to the hospital with 15 assorted friends and family and balloons. Just call her afterwards to tell her the details.

Chances are she won't be allowed if in uk covid rules are still strict in hospitals
So it won't be a choice you can make even if you want to
You updated to say she asked your dh this at the beginning but nothing said since , other than in passing to your mum , who never said she would be there either
Many women only have their partners , i wouldn't of wanted anyone else as it was something for me and dh to share ,

Again, if she asks to come in, it's 100% open to you to say no.

@CupidStunt22

MIL asked OP's DP if she could come to the hospital and he has said yes.

DP needs to tell his DM - No. Just no.

If you read the full thread you will see that MIL has asked to be there, and has stated she WILL be in the waiting room if not. So I don't think her question to OP's mum was as innocent as people seem to think it was

You didn’t know your hospital has a waiting room (near birthing area)??

Of course it does. I can’t understand how you didn’t know hospitals have waiting rooms including near certain areas like birthing rooms. Please explain.

Your mil’s question to your mother is very common and natural. Will she be at the birth. And she herself would like to be in the waiting room. It sounds like she is very much supportive of your pregnancy. You don’t have to let her into your room if you despise her so.

It sounds like you’re grasping at anything to create enmity with your mil. Usually I very much sympathize with anyone dealing with in-laws.

You say she is controlling yet she doesn’t barge over to your house as you’ve not invited her, and you complain she hasn’t visited you at home, so why would you be terrified she’s going to barge into your hospital room?

I’ve had really terrible in-laws but if this is all you have to complain about, it’s a very thin complaint with nothing there. Simply tell the nurses you only want your mother and husband in the room.

MIL won't deign to communicate with you but wants to look up your fanny?

😂 Utter madness.

You need to sort this out now otherwise the rest of your parenting decisions will be ridden over roughshod. I can see why you are in a panic, I would be too, it would be like having a wasp in the room. A history of boundaries overstepped and MIL being placated by his mummy?
Perhaps illustrating it to your partner in terms of him trying to crimp one out in front of your mother, sister and two or three health professionals too. I bet he wouldn't be able to. PP entirely right regarding additional stress in labour-it needs to be minimised.

@DonnyBurrito exactly.

I can't think of anyone I know who had either mother or MIL at the birth.

Tell your dp that it would be madness to tell her when you go into labour. I was 30 hours with my first, and she doesn't want to worry all that time. I know people who were longer, and also people who started labour, went to hospital, came home and it was another couple of days before they got into established labour.

They also will not (if you give strict orders) let her into the labour ward. At our hospital, from labour ward you go to the maternity wards, where visiting is strictly partners and children for all except a short time of day. Some people may moan about that, but everyone I know has seen this as a positive because it means exactly in your situation, it's not worth waiting around for the extraneous relatives and it means you don't have constant visitations in your ward.

My choice was to tell as few people as possible during labour. The only people other than me and dh were friends who took the older dc.

If he's keen to be fair between the grandmothers then point out that if he lets his mum in, then it's unfair on your mum, because only two people allowed.

I have SO much more to complain about I just don't have all the time in the world to explain it all.

Maybe from the fact that she had already told her son she wants to be there?

Good.

OP, if you feel you need someone else to be with you to fight your corner / gatekeep (cos you can't trust DP to do so), then it sounds like an excellent idea to have your sister there. You've said she would be fantastic.

I'd be telling your DP that you'll be fine with his Mum being at the birth once he's sat for a hours, naked from the waist down, legs akimbo, knob flapping about, screaming in pain in front of your Mum.

YOU are the one giving birth so YOU get to make the decisions about who is there.

His mother has hardly been welcoming to you. She won't even text you for Christs sake but she thinks she deserves to be by your side as you go through birth??!!

Absolutely batshit, honestly.

Stand firm with your DP. You need to make him understand that the birth is going to be a tremendous stress on your body and you will not have it made worse by being observed by someone who is openly hostile to you.

Let's face it if the MIL bought stuff it would probably be wrong or on the otherhand it would be something the mother desperately wanted to buy herself and now the whole pregnancy and birth are ruined.

Absolutely this. I think it should form the basis of your discussion with DP this evening.

Good for you. This is the time you really get to call the shots. Don’t allow people to manipulate you into doing what they want.

And as one poster said, this isn’t about it being ‘unfair’ that your mother meets the baby before your nasty mother in law, it’s about a woman having the right to choose who’s at her own birth. ‘Menz rights’ be damned in this situation.