I stayed over.

[hairtwirl]

Third date on Saturday
He insisted I stayed over instead of Uber home - I was happy as night had gone well
No sex

Had been talking 6-8 weeks

He had worked away in the middle so did not see each other then

He said 'see you soon' when I left in the morning and all seemed fairly normal from my point of view. I left about 10am on Sunday

NC from him since I left. Did text yesterday to hope his work day had went well but no response

Bad sign?

For context he is a 'bad texter' and frequently leaves 12-24 hours with text replies and will respond something thoughful. I suppose I probably just feel sensitive as we cuddled and kissed the whole night - but we have never spoken about anything heavy / exclusive / had intercourse. I was happy with way things were going

I seen anti depressants in his bathroom which is no problem for me - but makes me think I should go easy on him and not jump to conclusions about his contact style

Can I just say OP that you come across as such an intelligent (emotionally and otherwise), insightful and capable person?

I agree that this man appears to be your typical avoidant type. You’d spend all your time chasing him - I know you already know this - and always come up dissatisfied.

I am sure you will find someone with the same wonderful qualities as yourself, someone who can show you what you mean to them without holding back.

I was in a two year relationship with an avoidant man and it made me miserable. Then I met my now husband. I knew he was the one for me because he went to huge effort to show me what I meant to him.

Wishing you all the best for the future. Don’t waste another minute on this goon!!

Do you honestly think a man who uses envision to send a message like this is a player?

He is not a player. It is an odd message. To me it reads he wants to keep seeing me, but he wants to make sure I do not have any expectations at the moment that a relationship will happen as he is emotionally unavailable / I am OW

No it is not fairly positive! He is encouraging you to tell him that you shouldn’t meet up again because he hasn’t got the nerve to do that himself.

As far as I can tell, you were not looking for a new friend, so do not see him again, you will only torment yourself hoping he will change his mind about a relationship.

As an aside, I personally think a bit much has been made by you and others about his sexual performance. I wouldn’t have made such a big deal to be honest, it was one time. My now husband did similar first time we got intimate, it had been a long time for him, nothing like that has ever happened again in the twenty years since.

Judging by his 'performances' I can't see what the benefit for you would be in a FWB situation!

OP - you've just said you're the OW - so I'm guessing he's separated from his wife or whatever. You know what MN thinks of OW generally so I won't repeat.

Regardless he doesn't want to see you again and he finally had it dragged out of him.

I think the weird wording is because he's over thought what to say .And I completely understand that .My take would be that he genuinely likes you ,doesn't want to hurt your feelings but knows that sex will be a problem and he is telling you (in his stilted way) that it's off the cards .

I also catch a whiff ,from the whole thing ,that he has problems and hoped he could call on your professional expertise to address them .

I could be the OW - in the sense that he may have another woman somewhere else. He spents alot of time abroad working. He has not told me he is married or in a relationship obviously. It is entirely speculative.

Eh? No she hasn't. She said at one point that she was worried he might secretly have a partner or something. She absolutely didn't say she was knowingly the OW!

I'm sorry this turned out like this. It reminds me of a very similar situation I had recently (I'm around your age and also dating).

Met a great guy, had a really nice date (no intimacy). Afterwards we chatted a bit, then it faded out. We reconnected, chatted a bit more and he texted me a similar text. Something along the lines of: "Honestly, you're too nice to be messed around. I'd happily have you in my bed but for a long term compatibility, I think it's better if we look elsewhere. I'd like to see you again, it would be my pleasure."

Eeek. No, thanks.

So, I can relate. It can be disappointing at first but at least these people are honest and don't want to lead you on. I appreciate it.

Upwards and onwards, OP. We got this 🙂

Well yes.

Anyway - as per previous he has not opened my reply and I would doubt I will hear from him
Again. Awkward glances during downward dog abound.

Oh sorry I thought you meant you were the OW. He could have another woman on the go, yes.

When I dated a man who travelled a lot for work (not really spending much time abroad as such) I always knew that I'd come second to his work and he was 'hard to pin down'. Therefore I didn't really consider it a proper relationship, more casual. He's ended this for you though, so I think I'd just leave it there.

Ill let yous know if I hear anything more. Feel like deflated balloon

I don’t think he does want to see you again to ‘hang out’, he knows full well that you wouldn’t want to, he’s just trying to minimise responsibility.

He is not a player. It is an odd message. To me it reads he wants to keep seeing me, but he wants to make sure I do not have any expectations at the moment that a relationship will happen as he is emotionally unavailable / I am OW

^^ all the perks of a relationship, keeping you available to him whilst remaining single. He's a duck boy

You are right

No. I think your whole thread didn't load so I didn't see that he had sent a message. Ignore what I said. I will go back and RTFT!

Given that he has a PE problem and barely touched you when you stayed over, it doesn't sound like you'd be getting many Bs out of a FWB situation! Who does he think he's kidding?

I think you've had a lucky escape.

I caught up with the thread and read his message. I wouldn't bother ever replying to someone like that. It reads as emotionally immature. He wants all options open so that on the one day in a hundred that the thing he most fancies doing is hanging out with you, you will jump to attention. I would move on.

You seem lovely. He seems like hard work. Xxx

He sounds awful! Move on without a backwards glance, OP!

solidarity has nailed it .

OP I'm in my early 30s too and can think of quite a few male friends who could be/have been in a situation like this. From what you've written, I personally don't read it that he's got major issues or anything to hide. It's just that you're not compatible with each other.

With one of those friends, there was a drawn-out 'will we, won't we' and eventually it just petered out as we had different communication styles and approaches to relationships. He also takes ages, sometimes days, to reply to innocuous texts - has to think about everything and always keeps his cards close to his chest. Goes awol for ages doing other hobbies etc, and then gets in touch like there's been no pause. He's a nice friend but it wouldn't have worked for me.

Happily I then met my boyfriend who showed utter enthusiasm from the start and never left me guessing. We are expecting our first baby now!

I agree with PPs that you sound like a real catch, a smart and driven woman who knows your own mind and has a sense of humour. You'll feel deflated for a couple of days but you'll bounce back and meet someone who is on your wavelength.

Don’t beat yourself up OP, you behaved in a dignified manner. He obviously has some hang-ups, and I expect he is extremely avoidant with all women. Honestly, any man who comes twice (even the way he did) and doesn’t do more than a fanny rub with no happy ending is a dud. Onwards and upwards! My dating motto with men is they are all twats until they prove otherwise. I don’t get invested at all even if it’s months until they can prove they are normal & decent. You obviously have a lot of empathy so it’s hard, but next time really guard yourself - and don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.

Its shit because he has messaged this first thing in the morning before work. I feel silly to be all distracted now - he has not even read my reply. Mind you that is usual for him.

Hope the 'envision' was an autocorrect and he meant 'envisage'!

So sorry @hairtwirl

I think he has intimacy issues. I don't think you are the OW as men who come too fast are usually not having regular sex - it's the ones who are either inexperienced who tend to come too fast!

it's a bit surprising that after a few dates he wasn't prepared for sex (condoms) as most single men on the dating scene would have, and that makes me think he was testing the water with your compatibility OR he was using no condoms as an 'excuse' not to have sex.

Clearly the fact he didn't mention the fact he'd come , and seemed embarrassed about it, is a big red flag. It didn't bode well for any fun in the future (unless he was seeing you as a potential therapist.)

Also the fact he regards your work as 'stressful' and was telling you to quit says a lot. He must have a low stress threshold himself but he could also have felt overshadowed by you being so capable.

Horrible of him to end it by text, and if you aren't happy to be a friend (unlikely to enjoy any benefits!) it's best it's over sooner rather than later.