Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Welcome back Shay! Sorry about the lack of hot sex, but eye candy is also a lovely thing. I'll bet you look all gorgeous and tanned - I hope you used plenty of sunscreen. I didn't when I sat outside a cafe with Mr Arty in the baking sun at the weekend. So my nose has been peeling all week and would still give Rudolph a run for his money. Thank God I don't have any dates lined up. Although it would be easy for them to find me I suppose.

Hi @WeWantTheFinestWines ! 😘 did you have a lovely birthday? Such a shame about mr arty. Hope you dont feel too flat about it though.. it’s not like you haven’t met anyone whatsoever is it.. it’s just they haven’t been quite right (mr fav places!) x

I actually kind of prefer just eyeing up hotties rather than it turning into anything!

On a different matter I would NOT recommend acrylics. Smashed one of these long nails into some tiles, lifted the entire nail off the nail bed which has been agony! Having them all taken off today and never again!! Waste of £60! 😱😱

Hey @SortingItOut 👋 ive had three sessions now and just like you I picked by the face 🙈 she is absolutely lovely though. Last session I cried like a baby for most of the hour. My mother has really fkd me up in my life!! 😫

Sorry your Mr Arty didn't turn into spark face to face. It's SO disappointing when you feel like you rarely engage with someone for it to instantly be a 'no' when you meet. The old pheromone/fancying aspect is so capricious.

@ButterflyOfShay great to hear you had such a lovely holiday. I'm off next week and cannot WAIT... not sure what it is these days but I really do feel like I'm crawling towards each chunk of time I get off.

Also great to hear the therapy is going well. Such a momentous thing to face stuff head on and talk about how we really feel. What's happening with the drinking/no drinking - are you having another break from it?

Feeling a bit rubbish about old today. Had a date zero with a guy last Friday. Due to meet again tomorrow. He would message every day to check in. Woke up this morning to find he'd unmatched me. He had sent three messages prior during the night which I couldn't obviously read as he'd unmatched.

@ButterflyOfShay welcome back! The threesome chat made me giggle! And good tip about acrylics, I was pondering those but now won't bother.

@mrsh1807 welcome! I would say read the rules at the start of the thread and just be yourself. You shouldn't really have to pretend to be someone you aren't, just to keep them interested. I think it's a numbers game and eventually you'll click with a few. I tried a few sites and have had dates through all but Bumble seems to have given me the ones that turned into something substantial.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow did you sort out the wedding plans with Miss H, weren't you her plus one or something?

I have my date 1 this coming weekend with Mr Blue (date 0 last week). Another picnic walking date and I'm excited as the weather should be decent and I love walking dates.

@Daydreamscometrue I've had this before and I think they are actually in relationships but testing the waters. They then panic, send a sorry etc then unmatch. It's crappy but I think they are few and far between. I cant remember someone who mentioned when people keep disappearing then back with new profiles. I think this is the same vein, testing the water to see who they can get, then panicking.

@ButterflyOfShay it's great to hear you are doing so well with the therapy. Are you going to continue? I'm having CBT for fear of flying etc and actually he delved a lot deeper, linking it to my choices in relationships. I felt very vulnerable afterwards when I saw it coming together Minority Report style. But perhaps thats what I needed to hear to move forward.

Thanks. He was much younger than me and I'm not sure he was in a relationship. It was only ever going to be a fwb situation. He had obviously found someone else, which is fine. Just shitty that he's messaging one minute and then unmatching a few hours later. He must have realised that I wouldn't see his messages.

@Daydreamscometrue that is horrible when that happens. He might not have realised you wouldn't see the messages, or he might - but either way it was cowardly for him to just unmatch without waiting for you to have seen them.

I think this is the thing it's hard to get used to with OLD, that we have absolutely no idea what sort of a person someone is other than what they CHOOSE to tell us when it comes to how they handle confrontation, how they deal with challenging things in life, what sort of person they are at all really. I mean other than someone giving us the red flag of saying something bitter about their ex or whatever, they're not exactly going to advertise that they're the kind of person who has no backbone in dealing with anything remotely awkward. So he's done you a favour, because this action shows you he really isn't the kind of person you'd want as a FWB. Because he'd be just as likely to do the same thing even if you'd met and shagged a few times - THIS is who he is, this behaviour, and you don't want it in your life.

You don’t realise how much you need it til you’re away do you? What kind of holiday are you going for, sun/pool/cocktails? 🙂
I’ve been completely off the wagon with the drinking this month. Pissed every day. 🙈 going completely t-total from 1st june onwards.

@Eesha yeah I’d avoid the nails. They looked amazing though other than the injury. They’re lethal! That’s really interesting about your cbt. Do you think it’s working for you? I think ill carry on with the therapy yeah. Will be interested to see how things develop with it!

Sorry to hear that happened @Daydreamscometrue . It sounds like he maybe deleted his account if you couldn’t see the messages? Maybe he wasn’t in the right place for dating. Hope youre ok 💛

@ButterflyOfShay Great to hear your therapy is going well.
Don't worry about crying,my first appointment I cried for the whole hour, the second about 50mins, the third about 45 mins and so on.

Its hard to accept our parents have affected our whole life. I have come to terms with my upbringing,my parents brought me up the best they knew from their own upbringing. I accept they knew no better and I'm at peace with it.

I've had quite a few with no tears until the last one when something quite innocuous set me off. It's clearly something I need to get my head around and willbe important in the future for Mr K and I.

Glad you had a great time in Ibiza.

@Eesha we were supposed to be (maybe still are), but that’s all a bit parked right now, work is full on & Im involved with an event that happening over the jubilee weekend (not a jubilee thing), that’s sucking up all time & energy and brain power (not that I have much) right now.
Ms H is (unfortunately), at the bottom of the pile of things to think about right now, I’ve also noticed that she likes to have sex when she is feeling anxious about something, as if she is using my penis as some kind of stress relief mechanism

so to surmise, weekend away / wedding thing, probably yes, she is feeling a bit anxious about this and will want the company I think, longer term, who knows, let’s see what September brings, maybe all she want is friends with stress relief benefits.
im too tired and grumpy and wound up to think clearly, but next few weeks should shake everything out.

ButterflyOfShay
welcome back ! Xx
I’m licking my wounds this end and focussed on work and kids and family shit

ill get my mojo back but I’m in no headspace for anything dating related and can’t see that changing for the foreseeable frankly , I’m no use to anyone right now

Hi all, hope you're all well. Can I please seek your advice on something. Together 1yr plus get on great but always have had difficulty getting time together because of kids and very different work patterns. We have had a wee run of such difficulty recently and in particular I had organised a night at a comedy concert with a nice meal beforehand for tomorrow night which he can't make because he forgot to mark himself unavailable and cant get cover now. For context he is a healthcare worker and works 13hr shifts takes his job very seriously and is hugely loyal to his colleagues. Friends have offered such differing advice from dump to it's not a problem so I'd really appreciate your opinions.

Next week is just three nights glamping on a nature reserve with my DC… but then I’m eyeing up my next booked holiday which is 5 nights luxe on my own in Marrakech in July - went last year and basically wafted around a pool wearing a kaftan - it was amazing!

@ButterflyOfShay It's funny as I went for a specific reason relating to a holiday but I ended up chatting about my love life and a lot seemed to come together. Its helped in the sense that I thought I was very self aware but he put an interesting new perspective on things, how my fears actually caused low self esteem which impacted my choices. I always linked low self esteem to things about looks etc but actually I'm fine with how i look, it's more when I'm not able to do something, then I feel shit. He's forced me to confront some fears head on with various bits of 'homework' but it's helping me slowly. I think I've been using relationships to detract from the bigger issue, that I'm so angry with myself for not being able to easily do certain things.

@LuckyLinda3 is there any reason to doubt that this was just a genuine oversight on his part regarding booking the time off ? I think if you feel things are generally positive between you then surely this is just one of those things- frustrating but certainly not cause for you to consider ending the relationship.

@LuckyLinda3 just to add that of course you may feel that the difficulty in seeing each other enough is the bigger issue here but it sounds like the nature of his job means that shift work etc is always going to be a feature. For me it would be are you each other's priority when you are able to synchronise schedules?