Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LuckyLinda3 for me I guess that would irritate me. Im sure you have posted about this before but perhaps he's just fallen into that habit now of taking you a bit for granted. Personally I would plan other things and see if he remains this way.

@Mila14 Mr C definitely sounds like a keeper!

@TwinklingFairyLights I had a casual partner so sortof a fwb for a year. It only worked for me as I saw no future there ad he was quite a mess lifestyle wise plus i would never have done anything unless exclusive. It sounds like your lines are a bit blurred.

Date 2 or 3 today depending if you count a date 0 (with Mr Blue). He's made me even more cakes!

Thanks @SortingItOut you are right, he works a lot and because of differing schedules he socialises a lot on his own. You're also right in that his work pattern changes so we cant nail down specific nights. He is normally very good at communicating so this is a change but as I say hes away with the lads until tomorrow evening. I really felt I needed to communicate with him about what I need from the relationship and did so in a respectful way but also realise people don't change. As you say right know I dont know maybe I'll just see how it pans out.

Hey all thought I’d join the chat, feel like I’m going mad & need to vent.
So ill call him mr H..messaged me after seeing me on fb..all went ok. Lots in common and it’s been progressing (if not up and down at points) for 4 months.
He told me he was an over thinker and I didnt think this would be such a problem but it appears to be one of a few.
He’s now not messaged me for 3 days after ‘over thinking’ I didn’t want to see him (I was busy) What is wrong with them?!

Thanks @Eesha. Yeah it does feel a bit casual at times, as if he assumes I'll just be there. Am so jealous of how chilled you ladies are, wish I could be like that!

Ah mila that’s a rather sweet update
maybe he is a keeper ?

@Eesha

I thought we were exclusive, that's one of the reasons we shagged (and it is good sex). I think I'd just assumed that the rules that applied to FWB 1 (Mr Aus) applied to FWB 2 (Mr Scot). The difference, I see now, is that Mr Aus and I were on the same page and had a 5 min chat about what we were doing as we both agreed and wanted the same thing. I think I need to attempt another chat with Mr Scot and see what he says.

@LuckyLinda3 If he's away with the lads then I can see why he didn't message during the day or reply to your message, he was probably drunk and just read it and carried on drinking.

I really felt I needed to communicate with him about what I need from the relationship and did so in a respectful way but also realise people don't change

Communicating your needs is fine and doing so respectfully is great but he does not have to change if he doesn't want to.
You tell him what you need and he tells you what he can offer and you either meet in the middle or walk away.

I wouldn't want a partner asking me to change, Mr K and I have limited time together, we do our best but we both know what we're offering and we either accept it or walk away - we want tobe together so we accept it.

@LuckyLinda3 …I’m chilled because I’m NOT in love. I’ve been crazy in love before and I wasn’t chilled at all. Over reading, getting frustrated with WhatsApp count per day etc. I’m in a different place now. I’m getting to know someone and he’s kind and nice and handsome…time will tell.
@Eesha … more baking…watch those hips lady!! Enjoy a lot

@Cmit08 Sounds like he has an anxious attachment style.
Having up and downs in the first 4 months is a huge red flag.

He will need you to constantly validate and reassure him while claiming to overthink. I think it would get very draining very quickly.

What is he doing to address his overthinking?
If nothing I'd walk away, he's expecting you to put up and fix him.

@Thisisworsethananticpated … I’m doing “maintenance “ of the lady garden 😂😂😂😂..right now I’m just enjoying the company of this very posh handsome man and I like him… we’ll see
He’s also always very available… no games of any kind really. He tries to see me as much as I want and can

Eesha

ah ! I’m feeling wistful for romance today
maybe because I have a shit load of DIY

enioy the cakes !!!!

@Thisisworsethananticpated …are you seeing Balkan?

@LuckyLinda3 Just mentioning the chilled comment you made.

I'm chilled about my relationship with Mr K because I don't need him.
He enhances my life but is not my life, my life is very busy and fulfilled. I have all my needs (except sex) met by myself and having family, friends, hobbies etc

If Mr K and I split tomorrow nothing much would change for me except I'd need to find a sex partner,I'd be upset for a day or 2 but ultimately I'd be fine.

I've also been clear from day one what I was offering and so did Mr K, when we got into a relationship what we could offer changed slightly but we both accepted the other.

What sort of life do you have - job? Family) friends? Hobbies?

@SortingItOut fair play to you, you are in a good place. Yes I have a busy life, work full time, 2 kids, 21 and 16, friends, mostly through work. Love concerts, eating out, cinema. I like my own space and dont need someone but would like to see him a bit more regularly. His son is 18 too so the kids are well up. That said I think you're right about either accepting or walking away.

Mila14
yeah ! But it’s a hook up once a week for sex and a hang out
which is fine and what i can manage with my work and kids
and there’s a fondness there , mutual

but long term this won’t fulfil me
and I’m way more balanced and boundaried now

LuckyLinda3

given your kids ages maybe you are now more willing and able to have Something more committed?
he sounds fine but maybe on a different page?

as there are going to be men who also want something more substantial too you know

mine are still very needy and need my attention
more than I realise

@LuckyLinda3 I would try to put this to one side for the rest of the time that he’s away. Being with the lads will be his priority and as you have implied before he works long hours in an intense environment ( health services?) I do understand how you feel, probably a little frustrated that recently time together has been impacted by other commitments or priorities. Maybe think of it though as part of the bigger picture and reflect on the positives that have kept this relationship going for over a year. I find giving myself a time frame for things to swing back round to being how I want allows me to feel more relaxed about whatever the issue is and it allows opportunities to see how your DP will react going forward. Hopefully he will recognise that finding and prioritising time with you is important.

@Stepcount aw thank you for such a lovely post. Yes hopefully he does recognise what we have, I do and that's why I'd like to continue. I have a busy weekend so I've plenty to occupy my time, I'm from Ireland but I'm heading to Manchester from weds to Friday next week with my daughter to see Harry Styles. So I've some packing to do and I'm having a wee day with my son tomorrow while shes at work. Thanks again.

Well I've had a message from Mr Aus this morning, saying he may be coming back for a couple of months in September. Which is around the time Mr Scot moves to Asia 😂.

Still need to work out what, if anything, Mr Scot and I are doing for the next couple of months.

@Thisisworsethananticpated you could be right about different pages, this dating is not easy at times! Thanks for replying.

Ooh time with DS and a few days away with your DD sounds lovely @LuckyLinda3 hopefully you will have an opportunity to see your fella in between. Most of us on here are constantly juggling time and commitments, it’s about finding someone who is prepared work with you to keep it feeling like it is worth the effort 😉

LuckyLinda3
it sure isn’t easy
one shift I’ve made is accepting

in the past I’d be like ‘oh he’s a bastard , he’s not committing ‘

but aged late 40s I’m far more accepting of peoples ways and baggage

if they are that way , they probably wont change !!! So no drama

bit as step said it’s been a year so there is something there

@LuckyLinda3 My kids are 25 and 19 and sometimes I think my 19yr old needs me more now than when she was younger.

Mr K's son is 11 so he still needs lots of looking after.

Its hard when you work full time, need to see friends and family and have hobbies to then fit in a relationship.

Is some of your discontentment now linked to him not booking the day off to do something with you?
If you then don't see each other much it can grow into a bigger issue.
I like Stepcounts idea of setting a deadline when you'll review the situation - hopefully by then you'll have seen each other more and you'll feel much better about things.

@SortingItOut @Stepcount @Thisisworsethananticpated thanks again. Yes we both have busy lives and @SortingItOut I do think you're right in that I feel let down by him and because that happened so recently I havent fully moved past it. As step said its about both working at it, I did all of the legwork in my marriage and to that end I went into dating with very fixed ideas so I think @Thisisworsethananticpated is right in that I may need to look at being a little more accepting. Very useful feedback ladies, much appreciated.

Going to meet some of Mr S's friends shortly. Feeling super anxious, want to do anything but this at the moment!