Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’m freaking out a bit. Up until now things have been really nice with Mr R, been intimate which is great and he has stayed over a few times. At the weekend he got drunk with friends and was telling me things like he missed me and I made him really happy. Saw him again Sunday and he stayed over which was nice.

Since then though I’ve felt an energy shift from him. Texts not as frequent whereas normally they would be back and forth and not as complimentary and flirty etc. I asked him if everything is ok because I have noticed a difference, he just said that he’s tired and not feeling himself recently (he has had a fair bit on) I said to him I’d want honesty if it was anything to do with me and he said he would be honest if that was the case.

But I really can’t shake that something is up. It doesn’t help that I have an anxious attachment style. Right now my anxiety is very activated and it’s a horrible feeling. It feels shit because I have actually started to really like him, but when I have been in similar situations before my gut has nearly always been right. I’m trying to give it the benefit of the doubt but it’s hard.

I’ve had similar situations before but normally only when it’s been a couple of dates in and not as invested, and in those situations I’ve stepped back and told someone I need more consistency etc. But i’m invested now with this guy and that might be too hasty?

how have others managed these situations before?

Brightstar29

my friend has told me that sometimes men pull back after intimacy
fuck knows if that’s true but I’ve seen it happen to me

id he has assures you all is good
then maybe believe him ?
and leave him too it

there are many gender cliches out there
and some allow shit behaviour

but maybe he is having a meh week and it’s nothing to do with you

@Thisisworsethananticpated it’s just not great with an anxious attachment system. I feel like we are constantly taught to suppress our needs in order to not appear “needy” but I’m not sure what people expect when there’s an obvious change in energy.

I’ve literally had 2 texts from him today, he’s not even at work and on the days when he’s at work I’d get more than that. We are normally back and forth all day when not working. He is out and about doing things today but I still normally get a lot more communication from him even when busy, for example as I said the weekend when he was out with friends he was still texting me through the night

Brightstar29

i would gently say that texting all day isn’t healthy
been there
its shit as it’s can’t sustain and then you get stressed like today

it’s not great as it’s all consuming and it’s obsessive

and maybe he’s realised that sooner
maybe it’s stressing him also ?

i know it’s easy to say
but back
off the texts a bit

@Brightstar29 …I’m with @Thisisworsethananticpated . He may have a bad week. Or a bad day. Messaging a lot is unsustainable. I used to be like this with my ex and had difficulty understanding when messages reduced vastly. The reality is work and family issues take over sometimes. I think it’s more important for you that he texts you at the weekend when he has down time to be honest. I assume he has no kids but it’s entirely normal to cool down when there’s not much to say. I totally feel for you because I have been an anxious crazy attachment person…but I have cooled down and I don’t feel like texting all the time either even if I like the iron.
I’m not as invested as you are though, so it’s easy for me to stay cool

I’ve typed this out but not sent it:

I know you’re busy today and not been feeling 100% but my gut feeling is telling me something isn’t right here so I’m going to back off a bit, I do like you and feel we have a really good connection but the energy is different over the last few days and I don’t wanna put myself in a situation where I might get hurt again I hope you understand x

I might just wait a bit but he’s been coming online on WhatsApp and Fb and not messaged back which is not like him at all. I would love to say your right but in past similar situations my gut has always been right which is shit.

@Brightstar29 …don’t send that message please. Busy yourself with something else and wait for tomorrow

Obviously I don’t wanna be too hasty but even just typing out that message I did feel a bit of relief?

@Brightstar29 …i understand you and sympathise with you. Wait until tomorrow

Another saying don’t send !!!

i think many of us are anxious attachment
hence this thread existing 😂

but dont let unreasonable anxiety take over

It’s just a massive shift in communication suddenly. I would love to think that I’m just overthinking it but as I said my gut in previous similar situations has been right. I might just give it a few hours until this evening. I also feel like I wouldn’t be cutting things straight off with that message, but just saying I’m backing off etc.

@Brightstar29 I experience anxiety very similarly if there is a shift in communication.

Almost always my instinct is right but try to read that message as though you were receiving it - how would it make you feel?

It may well be that he is uncertain. But the one thing that is certain is that if you press an uncertain person for ever more certainty, it’s a lot easier for them to say “actually on balance - no” rather than “assuredly - yes!”.

I would try to tell yourself repeatedly that dating involves uncertainty… there will ALWAYS be uncertainty - and that uncertainty is okay. It is all okay, and you will be okay. For me the uncertainty triggers some sort of fear I’m being abandoned and I feel physiologically panicky and sick.

The worst case scenario is that your instincts are right, but I think you have to work on getting comfortable with the inevitable uncertainty and discomfort of it all. Are you in counselling? It’s a very useful handhold through dating if you get anxious attachment.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes I am on counselling but it’s nearing the end of my sessions now on the nhs. It’s been helpful and I’ve also read books such as “attached” and “women who love too much”.

Its interesting because the attached book which is about attachment styles in relationships highlights the importance of making sure our attachment needs are met and not suppressing them. I guess a part of me feels I would be suppressing my attachment need if I didn’t tell him how I feel with the current shift.

If it doesn’t work out with this one I might just take a break from dating until I get back from my holiday in August.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …excellent post…I take note

The answer I think is that if he is secure and really into you he will respond in a decent way.

If he is avoidant he may well back off because it’s too much. And there you have your answer.

It is so hard. I experienced high anxiety a few times with my last iron MrM and he always responded very kindly although he is avoidant and would never give me enough glowing reassurance for my liking.

I realised eventually that his reassuring me was more about his need to feel like he was being a decent human at all times, but the bottom line was he was not as into commitment or romantic feelings as I was. And of course eventually this tripped us up, as there was a mismatch.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …I got the opposite with my ex…reassurance and I love you all the way…but his inaction in other issues and lack of planning ended up putting me off. In any case we all understand @Brightstar29 I still think it’s too soon to assume he’s changed his feelings about you just

but I think you have to work on getting comfortable with the inevitable uncertainty and discomfort of it all

i think that’s it

Please share tips !

bit also WHY we get like this ?
over a bloke ?
when rarionally we know that even if it ends , we will survive

ive started to manage to laugh at myself a bit about it which helps

@Brightstar29 hopefully you are managing your feelings and have not sent the message as yet. I think you need to decide what you want the outcome of communicating your thoughts with him to be. Do you feel that sending the message would in any way actually help to decrease your anxiety? For me it could on the surface sound like you are taking control but in reality you have played your hand and unless he pings back a ‘ oh no, please don’t back off’ then what is left for you to do ?. At times on the thread we have used the phrase ‘ if in doubt, do nowt’ . You have flagged up a low level concern and he’s reassured you. Trying sitting with that for a while longer.

How long should I wait then before I send the message? Given that normally our messages are back and forth and this is very odd?

hi gang!
hope everyone’s well.

@Itisreallymee I’m really pleased to hear that things are looking up for you and things seem to be on a good keel with Mr C. Sending you lots of love and all the luck in the world for your interview. ❤️😘❤️😘❤️😘

I had my interview today with my CIPD tutor at college and I got in! I start on 7th September 🙂 still a bit apprehensive about how things will go with my fibro when on the course, but I’m just happy I’ve got another chance to get my qualification 🤞🏻

I also had my psych assessment on Monday and the psychiatrist has prescribed me some extra medication to make me feel a bit better. 👍🏻

I’ve also been chatting to a lovely guy on Hinge. Haven’t discussed meeting yet, as we’re just getting to know each other. I must admit I’m really liking his vibe so I wouldn’t say no to meeting if it came up. He’s a police officer so I’m going to call him Mr Cop 🙂😂😂

hi gang!
hope everyone’s well.

@Itisreallymee I’m really pleased to hear that things are looking up for you and things seem to be on a good keel with Mr C. Sending you lots of love and all the luck in the world for your interview. ❤️😘❤️😘❤️😘

I had my interview today with my CIPD tutor at college and I got in! I start on 7th September 🙂 still a bit apprehensive about how things will go with my interview but I’m just happy I’ve got another chance to get my qualification 🤞🏻

I am amazed that anyone texts twice a day - I definitely could not sustain that.
My bf if I can call him that is very scared of intimacy. He had a difficult childhood snd breakdown early 20s and finds it hard to trust. He told me when we met he had not had sex since his younger child was conceived 18 years ago, but I honestly would have thought he was a virgin if he did not have children. Every time he really got close there was then a period of non-communication which upset me at first until I saw the pattern. As I have said in previous posts he was was reluctant to have sex due to lack of confidence and also a feeling he was too small. He had gradually gained confidence and now always gets an erection, can now I sually maintain it, and last week there was a breakthrough when he orgasmed. And better still there was not a period of silence afterwards. I fully expect him to pull back though through fear of getting too close snd being hurt, but am now used to that snd just busy myself with friends snd hobbies. I don’t know if this will continue -my fear is that now he is able to have sex he will want to try it on other women but will just wait and see. My kids are grown am financially independent and not looking for a life partner do will go with the flow.

And thank you to @Thisisworsethananticpated for the kudos. 🙂❤️

@Brightstar29 I would not message again today - or maybe just a goodnight one, depending if that is part of your normal communication. If he is continuing with far fewer messages tomorrow then it depends how that sits with you. Fewer messages would be okay for me, no messages is a different matter. Maybe he will be in touch this evening🤞🏼