Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’ve deleted chat

you are spot on

I’ve not been on the thread for a while as been enjoying Mr R. Had 5th date where he stayed over and we dtd (we have a few times now). I’ve started to get really anxious and it’s difficult to pinpoint why. I was really hurt by the last guy I was dating (not a long term relationship) and I feel like I’m starting to be vulnerable and my anxious attachment system is now going crazy because I’ve started to like him. Does anyone have any advice on how I can navigate these feelings, is it worth being open and honest with him?

I’ve recently done this for the first time at 41 and I think it looks weird 🤷🏻‍♀️ Is this what men expect now.

Sorry the last one was meant to be a reply to the full wax comment!

Just started OLD at 41 so following this thread for tips

Brightstar29

oh I feel you . I don’t know why our bodies and brains do this to us to be honest
i also have no advice on how to handle it either !!

it’s like that lovely sex and endorphins drove me to be obsessed

what I can say is give it time
im a few months into my FWB thing now (5 months lord alive )
and I’m slightly less fixated 🤣
two reasons
(1) I suspect his life would be a greyer place without me in it too
(2) I’ve learnt the hard way that this fixation is ducking terrible for my mental health and I’m starting to put in boundaries

MzBrittas

so shoot me
yes they do
and I blame pornhub
As that’s what many of them (not all !) wank themselves silly to

@Thisisworsethananticpated it’s hard and I’m finding I’m overthinking everything. This is what happens when I start to get invested. Normally my anxiety is a gut feeling telling me there’s something wrong but I don’t think it is this time I really just think it’s my anxious attachment style due to my recent experience getting hurt at the start of the year? I could be wrong I just hate sitting with the anxiety

Please. stop. doing. things. like. this. for. men.

If you don't like it, don't do it. Men only expect it because most women feel pressured into it. You're part of the problem if you're waxing when you don't want to because of what men expect. Let them fucking expect it. I've never done it and never will.

@TwinklingFairyLights It helps that my heart is made of stone🤣
I am emotionally unavailable so I guess that helps....
My longest FWB before I met Mr K was for 14 months and we saw each other about twice a week in that time, I liked him as a friend and cared about him but nothing more.
I think it helped that I was in the mindset of no relationships and so feelings never came into it.

I know all about oxytocin and stuff when you have sex but I just never felt anymore for them than friendship.

@Brightstar29 What would be gained by telling Mr R? Do you want him to soothe your anxiety? What do you want him to say?
He could say he's not going anywhere but noone knows what the future holds.

What would you normally do to self soothe your anxiety?
What hobbies do you have? Can you keep busy doing some self care?

If your attachments style is anxious then you will need to manage it, relationships are never guaranteed and there is never a right time to allow yourself to be vulnerable but sometimes you have to make the leap or just go slowly if that feels better.

@SortingItOut i guess just to start being more open about how I am feeling. I’m distracting myself on an afternoon out this afternoon. I guess I’m just freaking out because I’m invested now but it’s still very early x

@Brightstar29 How long have you been meeting?
What do you mean by being invested now?

At this early stage you're experiencing lust and the difficulty is knowing how he feels about you which isn't helping the anxiety.

Of course you can share your feelings early on but what exactly would you be saying?
I'm still concerned you want him to soothe your anxiety.

@SortingItOut talking since end of March but didn’t meet until beginning of May so been meeting up about a month. Our talking stage was a slow start because I was talking to others too and I didn’t start to get invested until about date 3 as the connection was there. What I mean by invested is starting to develop feelings, but as you said it’s definitely still lust at this point x

@Brightstar29 We all develop feelings at different paces but you have to remember you barely know the man.
Is some of the anxiety because you've thrown yourself headfirst in so early?
A month in and you should just be having fun, not thinking you've met the love of your life.

What else do you have in your life? Friends? Hobbies? Job?

@SortingItOut i do have hobbies and friends but at the moment it’s only providing a temporary relief from the anxiety x

Yes pornhub plays a part I think.
One date I had said underwear that doesn’t match it a massive turn off, I had a black bra on and red knickers 🤣 I said ‘are you serious’ he also told me he only likes size 8/10 size women, specified what he likes them to wear 🤷🏻‍♀️Give me a break!

MzBrittas

what a total cunt !!

reminds of a not attractive especially friend of an ex , said he’s never date over a size 12
despite being somewhat stout himself

its also fashion , the guys I’ve dated recently have also shaved 🪒

@Brightstar29 are you normally medicated for your anxiety?

What do you think would soothe the anxiety (aside from fast forwarding a few months/years to see where your relationship is at😂)?

@Thisisworsethananticpated …I’m a size 6Uk… size 0 (4Uk) depending on brand. I find it really difficult dating a fat guy. It’s a massive turn off for me. We each have “our likes”. Normally, the guys I’ve dated like very petite women so it works both ways. I think some men prefer bigger women. So we all have our preferences.
@MzBrittas …I don’t wear matchy matchy underwear either 😳…I like colourful knickers and more muted , colour block bra. But I can also say I prefer guys with normal traditional shorts underpants and hate tight cotton slip underwear in guys…I think we can all agree and if the sex is great…compromise a bit

I totally get this. I felt this way with my ex boyfriend and it’s very hard not to get obsessed…I’m in different place now and more able to control things but…honestly …I can’t fall in love
You are just going to have to ride this as best as you can

Exactly, once you’re naked why does it matter. I find the sexy underwear thing a bit cringe, I wear nice underwear but I don’t like everything matching all the time?
my first date with this guy was amazing we both seemed really into each other, then on the second date we ended up having sex, same on the third. He keeps on asking about another date but won’t fix a day/night, very flakey on WhatsApp and read receipts are off? I cooled off because I couldn’t be assed with games then he reappears!? I’m thinking that there’s too many red flags to avoid so far.
im speaking to another guy and he seems lovely, we’re meeting a week next Tuesday due to our parenting schedules but I can’t get the first dickhead out of my mind - typical 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah it’s such a weird world online isn’t it!
im a size 8/10 but nevertheless that comment really annoyed me.
He always says I can’t wait to see what you’re wearing 🤷🏻‍♀️ Does my head in! Think I need to knock it on the head, there’s a whole load of other red flags with him too.

I think part of the problem is I’m used to being love bombed (to a degree but not as extreme as some people) so I’m not used to normal levels of interest at this point in dating once I start to let myself be vulnerable. It’s obviously triggering some anxiety for me for some reason but can’t really pinpoint it x

I would be classed as a BBW, full figured, big boobs. I never struggled to get enough attention or interest when I was on the apps. One size does not fit all, it’d be a sad world if this was the case. Let’s just try to be comfortable with who we are. Any man who feels the need to state upfront that they only date a certain size are knobheads. It would never be acceptable or tolerated if other preferences were stated- ethnicity being the most obvious one. There are pictures there for a reason, you look and select based upon what appeals to you.

Agreed. In fact, I think full figured women have a lot more success than petite ones!!!