Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Mila14

The problem is this FWB is so lovely I have to try very hard not to fall for him. I'm going to miss him when he leaves. That said I think he's good for me. Great, considerate sex and lots of compliments. The polar opposite of my ex.

@TwinklingFairyLights …then enjoy until he leaves…you know he’s leaving so just have fun and try not to fall deep. We are human, not robots. We are going to fall for people we shouldn’t, ,are mistakes, have awesome fun and rebuild ourselves after a fall. Don’t over think 😊

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …have a lot of fun 🤩. Show your dance moves and enjoy your date

Mr local has messaged asking if we could meet up again sometime - could be a potential fwb

@Slothmomma …wow Mr Local…handy 😉…why only a FWB? Can he not be more?

Our childfree time doesn't align and I don't think either of us are looking for a conventional relationship right now anyway as have so much going on with general life. I admit that I have always fancied him loads though 😄

@Slothmomma ….OH YOU FANCY HIM A LOT!!!…that’s it then…it’s so hard to find someone we fancy a lot…just enjoy yourself if this is safe for you

@Mila14 that is true, well for me anyway, I rarely find people physically attractive but am more drawn by personality. I'm intrigued if this Will go any further but I'm not overly invested which is how I want things for now

good for you Slothmomma. This is the right way to approach it

oooooh @ibelieveinmirrorballs I want to know who the dj is… tell me after the event!!

Woop woop 😆😆

Slothmomma

woop !

TwinklingFairyLights
id use this FWB as a way to totally exorcise your ex
but manage feelings x
sounds great , and it’s a ‘for a season’ friendship

I was with my sister yesterday who is single and online dating. She's 32 and 4 guys who were over 50 (of which one was in his 60s) and set their desired age ranges to at least 45 and they still messaged her.
Of course my sister is gorgeous but I think these men put higher more appropriate age ranges on their profiles just for show. To not come across as creepy or pervy. Anyone else found this?

ibelieveinmirrorballs

wowser that’s a hell of a first date !!!

the kids holiday was exhausting
i loved it as got son out of the house , out of his room and the kids were (when not fighting !) engaging which warmed my heart

But given sons mental health , how other son reacts and frankly how I react - it
wasn’t easy

we went to a UK seaside resort and kept them entertained with Scooter rides , sea walks and the slot machines
and all the food

id have the same concerns for the holiday you describe !!!

Must cost a fortune taking kids away! They don’t ever just chill do they!!

i feel very shallow

my overseas obsession has started texting me again
he sent me a recent photo and I totally didn’t fancy him 🙈

this is the man I stalked so intensely ( via his brothers Facebook !) that I’d recognise his kids in the street

I think I’ll just say (truth ) that he hurt me and I don’t want to go backwards

but I feel horribly guilty and shallow

I'd find this so hard! Have you spoken about what will happen when he leaves?

I don't think it's always a 'creepy' thing to do - would we say this about a woman messaging a younger guy? I'm 51 and my last meet was with someone aged 38... I do tend to be attracted to / want to pursue men around the same age as me but I don't think we should always judge so harshly!

It's not shallow, it's progress! You're detaching from him. I don't think you need to even say that he hurt you as the reason - you just don't want to go backwards.

There's an interesting thing to unpick there - that you feel guilty to 'reject' a man's advances even though he has already hurt you and you don't find him attractive.

The moment has passed, you have moved on, he should too... the thing that I try to think of when someone gets in touch like that is they are doing it because they're seeking a little validation of their own, far more than they are doing it in order to make us feel a certain way. My iron before MrM did this and got in touch while I was seeing MrM and he was obviously just wanting a bit of flattery and knowing that he stood a good chance of getting it from me. They're as weak and flawed as we all are when it comes to this stuff and getting in touch with an ex 'person who used to make me feel attractive and wanted' is often so much more about them needing a bit of soothing than it is anything more meaningful. It's not your job to soothe him.

@TwinklingFairyLights I missed out on this phase when I was young as I got together with ex at school. I'm 43
I'm very similar, I got together with my son's father at 14 and when we split I was 18 I went straight into a relationship and ended up marrying him, we were together 19 years so I also missed out on the sleeping with lots of men phase.
I'm now 41. If I split from Mr K then it will be FWBs again as that suits me. For over a year before I met Mr K I had a few long term FWBs who I would meet weekly or fortnightly- plus quite a few FBs/casuals.
I prefer it this way as emotions don't come into it.

@SortingItOut

How do you stop the emotions from creeping in

ibelieveinmirrorballs

very astute and thanks

and interesting that was first guilt !
secondary also Balkan and you know , treat others as you’d like to be treated

anyway he’s chasing me (overseas)
and I havnt said anything inappropriate
other than replying

purge ! Delete chat

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

We haven't spoken about it yet. He's going to a country that I think DD might be a bit young to go to. I could do a couple of week long trips a year though and he will come back here to visit too. I don't know if he wants it to carry on after he goes though.

You can be polite but not actively egg the conversation on. He’ll soon get the gist.