Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Mila14 wow, it sounds like it's all going great. He's apparently giving you the space you need without hassling you. He feels easy and good. Don't sabotage it!

Easier said than done…he’s super nice an a gentleman and I have to say I’m in shock sex was this good for a first time…I still feel I need to go at my pace and have my space too

@Mila14 This sounds really positive though the only thing I'd say is would by Sunday, it be 5 dates in 5 days including you DTD and him dropping you to the airport? Doesn't that sound quite full on unless you are both on holiday or something? Doesn't he/you have other stuff on? It sounds a bit lovebombey? I guess I have little children so could never fit in that much seeing an iron.

@hotnakedgelato try not to self sabotage but also keep an open mind with Mr S as he sounds like he's being very lovely when you need him. Thinking back to one ex who I thought i adored, I think i could never quite have him even though he was lovely as he was emotionally unavailable and possibly just not that into me. But really I should have saved my attention for someone who wanted me/made an effort, which I did do afterwards. Mr S is showing you he cares, that's a lovely thing.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs was it right in thinking you don't mind being in a fwb relationship with Mr M? I'm not you obviously but I would definitely say no because you were so so into him before, it just sounds like a recipe for disaster. You'll only end up having a brilliant time as you guys are so in sync and then resenting him for not changing/wanting monogamy with you. I know I'd get hurt in that sort of scenario.

My date 1 with Mr Blue is later (date zero last weekend). Another walking date with him catering everything again! He's been lovely and certainly the way to my heart is through food these days. I am juggling a few personal things so that's helping me not get too invested which is great. We are just hanging out and enjoying our time (and food).

@Eesha it's so lovely to hear you sound excited about Mr Blue (excited in a measured and good way, obvs ) - you definitely sound 'back in the game' mentally. Sorry to hear you are juggling other personal matters although I think it's good to recognise that keeping our own lives going and putting our attention on ourselves is a very good thing, rather than something becoming too much of a focus too early on with OLD.

You are very right to draw attention to the dangers of any sort of fwb with MrM. I'm smiling to myself thinking 'yes, go for it, that's a good idea - said nobody ever' . I'm not really sure what to do with myself about it because we get on so well and I know he knows that too, and I can't quite face the thought of not keeping him in my life in some capacity. I do think at the moment what is helping with this is that I am genuinely enjoying the very different vibe of getting to know this new iron. By contrast he seems very emotionally open - although I am finding it interesting as periodically I sense myself pulling back because of it. He told me he thought I was very pretty on our video call the other day - not a big deal in itself, and it's the only thing like that he's said, and there's been absolutely no sexchat despite meeting on Feeld, but I know that someone being straightforwardly into me and saying things like that is something I say that I want but actually makes me very self-conscious. MrM would never have said something like that to me - he did make me feel good in many ways, but he was never as direct and complimentary like that... I think the most I would get was him saying "you look great!" just before going out for dinner.

A bit like Yoda, I hear my therapist piping up during a lot of this stuff because she thinks that actually I'm quite emotionally avoidant in many ways and am choosing men who engage me in a push-pull pattern rather than being in the uncomfortable spotlight of someone just being into me and wanting intimacy.

@Mila14 agree with @Eesha here - it sounds great although be careful a tiny bit because even though as you say you need your space you have also gone from 0-60 in no time at all with this person.

It can all be a very heady high and be intoxicating. Be sure to keep everything else in your life going at the same time and keep a look out for him having a fully formed life of his own too. It's hard because it feels like 'yes but but BUT! This is different, we just click, it's so great!' (and I have so been there with thinking that) but very often these things overheat. Slowly slowly catchy monkey etc etc. (Glad it went well though )

@Eesha the other thing about MrM that is hard to let go of is that in many ways we always were primarily friends - I can talk to him about anything, he's hugely wise and insightful, is an academic in an area my work overlaps in, makes me laugh massively, etc - and he has never been lovey dovey - highly affectionate and attentive etc but he's not a romantic - so in lots of ways it feels like things are just as they were. ARggh it's hard. Am still hearing 'go for it - said nobody ever' repeating on a loop......

@Eesha wow, that was a powerhouse post! You are spot on with everyone, I think. @Mila14 i think that I missed the fact that it was 5 dates in 5 days, or else I didn't register the potential danger until Eesha pointed this out. It still has promise of course, but it's easy to get drawn into something too quickly, before you have had a chance to get to know them fully. (It's certainly something that I have done in the past)

@Eesha your date sounds really nice! Hope that you have a great time!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs that's the issue there, you have so many good things going on with Mr M, so aligned, friends, makes you laugh and most likely vice versa. For me, I could easily fall in love there but then be constantly wondering why isn't it more if we have all that going for us. He's sortof giving you his own version of breadcrumbs but you need to see whether you are ok with that or whether it will inadvertently stop you meeting someone you mirrors your feelings and effort.

Morning
we both are childless this week! So we had dinner 1st date, lunch between work date 2, and yesterday 3rd date drinks and lunch. Unfortunately 2 of his kids are back early tomorrow… so today is our last date but we have the whole day. I will not see him again in 10 days mind you . So just video calls till then 🙂. We are busy with kids then

Well I know why I suppose - he doesn’t want that with anyone. When we met recently he said he can’t do vulnerability or love - I think his ideal life is to be surrounded by male and female friends and have a couple of very good female friends that he shags occasionally.

I do see this as a flaw in him, or at the least just a massive incompatibility, in that I can do love and do seek it. I can’t look to him for that and am seeking it elsewhere!

Today is our date 4 guys… we’ve only had lunch or dinner the other 3 times we’ve met 🙂. My head is in the right place. I don’t feel crazy compulsive like with my ex. And last night after DTD I told him I needed to be in my own and enjoy my space with no kids . So he left home very respectfully
Im not crazy about him but I like him a lot

Either way, enjoy your date today @Mila14 ! This type of parenting schedule ensures it's impossible to move too fast, for better or worse 🙃

MrC and me have teenagers… so it’s always tricky. I love my bit of solitude and I don’t want and can’t be permanently with anyone really. That’s been discussed already.

I can identify with that.

I have 3 kids who are everything, they go to exh every other weekend. When you start arranging things with friends it leaves so little time to date.

There's a guy in Essex (let's call him Essex) who wants to meet, and I'd like to meet him too. We've spoken on the phone once and chat online every few days. I'm not burning to meet him but he seems nice. But I won't have time for at least 6 weeks which is mad (helping a friend move one weekend and away for my birthday the following one).

I guess maybe a facetime call would be good at least you can see each other sort of in real life.

But I know I never want to marry again, and certainly do not want to live with someone again unless all my boys have left home; if then! I hate having people in my space for any length of time, then you start the resentment of who's done the washing up or put the bins out, and you just don't need that crap! Keep it all light and breezy.

But I do want to be in love 🙃and find someone who has my back and who can be relied upon.

Turned out my recent ex who, in many respects was just right, in others was an utter shite. So I'm also a little jaded these days, no bad thing I guess......

So I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes I just want to sit in a tidy house and watch what I want to watch on the telly or read a book or just stay in my PJs all day. No pressure!

Mila - good that you're firm about needing your own space.

I'm meant to be having a date with Mr Dishy next weekend but he messaged me this morning and gave me his phone number and said that he is deleting his Bumble! I've no idea why, I haven't messaged him on WhatsApp. He's definitely not married as I've found his Facebook, but it's obviously dodgy...

@lesgalettes is it a first date?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yes!

Odd but not necessarily a red flag. He may have decided he can't be bothered anymore whatever happens, rather than putting all his eggs in your basket before even meeting you... which would be a red flag. Lovely as I'm sure your basket is, it may not be compatible with his eggs.. Meet him, but beware of love bombing.

Well I've found myself a friend with benefits or maybe a fling, as we're doing dating and hanging out, as well as sex. He leaves the country for 2 years in August, so it won't be anymore than that. However he is lovely, treats me nicely and compliments me. I'm hoping he's tonic after my emotionally abusive ex. Maybe like a practice run at a relationship.

FWB is 5 years younger than me at 38 too.

I struggle with OLD and men at mid 40s and above. Very few men take care of their appearance, and that and unhealthy lifestyles really start to show when they hit their 40s. I just don't find most of them attractive.

As unattractive as these men are, they still write in their profiles that they are looking for a woman in the top 10% (based on the lists of attributes they are looking for in their profiles) but they themselves are bringing little to the table.

Sounds about right 😅

@mrsh1807 feel very similar to you, I don’t find it sexy sharing domestic chores with someone and find I really enjoy having my own space. Sometimes after a day chasing two young kids around all I want to do is sit down with some pizza and not talk to anybody!

Ok I WhatsApped Mr Dishy and he then dumped me - he said I come across as too intense. But why give me his phone number then? I don't think that I'm that intense, but do like to get one message a day or every other day... maybe that's too much?

Don’t forget - what this man thinks of you should mean next to nothing… you don’t know anything of him for his opinion re “how intense is too intense” to matter. He sounds unpredictable and odd, so… next!