Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

{mention: pixie5121} …I agree with you. I don’t want to go out with anyone that does not live in his own place. Im not 20 or 30…so at this point in life, I prefer someone completely free

Lover !! It’s what my mother or grandmother would say - but so much better than 🤮🤮🤮 FWB

hotnakedgelato · Today 09:38
im happy he is making you happy
keep smiling 🙂

{mention: pixie5121} …To be honest I don’t want to go out with anyone in the process of divorce or separated on the way to divorce if I don’t see full clarity. I had a really bad experience with my ex boyfriend who was living on his own but with things unresolved with ex and she did not want divorce and whatever…I think this muddles relationships and is very stressful. This whole OLD for me is about finding someone I want to be with and he’s over his last relationship, divorced and on his way to a new time in life or separated with deadlines and full clarity on his status.

@Mila14 oh yes, cohabitation is another thing entirely! I think that this would be very difficult indeed. Fortunately, Mr S is only a 10 minute drive away, so this seems unlikely to become an issue any time soon, whew.

Things with Mr C sound really brilliant. Not that I am an expert, and not that we have come very far down this road yet, but despite the ED drama, going slowly physically has worked well for me and Mr S. It's nice to let things happen at a natural pace.

@Thisisworsethananticpated thanks!!! I think that the reminder to keep smiling is appropriate, as it's easy to slide into obsession and worry!

As I said further up thread, I think for me it’s more about the emotional health and detachment of the person rather than hard facts about where they’re at it in the process of divorce or living arrangements. I’ve had an iron who was divorced but still totally not over it and not emotionally open. I want emotional availability and a drama-free set up.

Saying that you’d worry about an inadvertent get together if someone cohabited is more about your personal worries than it actually meaning something {mention: pixie5121} - if someone’s going to shag around they’re going to shag around - fidelity is a state of mind not about proximity of opportunity!

yes, exactly, and TBH I'm very, very wary of people of jump into dating the moment they split up with their ex. It reeks of codependence to me. Desperately trying to find another person so they're not alone. I can't understand why you wouldn't feel the need to take time to process the split, think about what went wrong in the relationship, and just be alone for a while. I generally steer clear of people who have been single under 3 months or so. And if it's a very long term thing they're out of, I think it's more like 6 months.

{mention: pixie5121} … we broke up July last year my ex and me. But saw each other sporadically this year and had some bed action. I’m ready honestly

{mention: pixie5121} I think I see it from both sides as he was 9 years post split and still not ready. I met my children's dad whilst separated but not divorced and it was fine. I think it's about reading the situation as loads of people seem to not to rush into divorces. Current iron has put an offer in on a place and I'm sure the separation would have been in the last year. Not everyone has the finances to do this.

• my ex iron was 9 years post split

@Eesha 9 years! Imagine being that tied up in a relationship. I feel sorry for him, but what a mess he must be for his irons (like you).

Why not date? Why not enjoy your newfound freedom from a relationship that didn't work out, therefore was not good? Why live like a nun when you are single, just because you share a front door with someone you would rather poke your eyes out than ever be intimate with again? Logistically complex does not necessarily mean emotionally complex.

{mention: pixie5121} i’m in my late twenties and still live in my family home. I haven’t got a job because I’ve been signed off. I can’t buy/rent a house on the money I do have.

Some people do have special circumstances, so please don’t be so judgemental.

and as @WeWantTheFinestWines said , why not date? Why put your life on hold? I couldn’t live like that at all.

Hey @hotnakedgelato , sorry I worded it badly. He was 9 years single but still wasn't ready for a relationship because of his family history. I guess my point is you can be many years single and not ready, or even months. I don't think there is a time limit to being alone before you meet someone.

@Eesha no, i understood perfectly! It's really a sad situation.

I think that something that most of the contributors to this thread have is some resilience and an interest in moving past the past. It's nice, and this forum gives us all a chance to compare notes and maybe see when we are going a bit wrong

I think you are all RIGHT… the question is really whether the person is emotionally open to meet and date and over his/her last relationship. Sometimes a short relationship can be very difficult to get over with and sometimes a long one just switches off from one day to the next for whatever reason
I want to think that through life we can fall in love and be loved by different people and sometimes one new relationship helps you heal the last one

With my ex, he had been a victim of child abuse and that was a significant contributor to our breakup. However he was on great terms with exes. So if I'd seen the latter, I would have thought he was fine. But he clearly wasn't.

I would say with current iron, they (apparently) lived separate lives in the home but he's moving out because the children are finding the civil arrangement weird and its impacting them negatively

@Eesha , yes I would think it would be weird for the kids. Hopefully Mr S moves out soon and things flow

On the topic of emotional unavailability, I am noticing myself questioning everything and emotionally detaching the more involved I get with Mr S. Perhaps it could be called postnut clarity. Perhaps it's avoidant attachment. My ex treated me mean and kept me keen. This guy is an absolute darling who was ready to drop everything to bring me food in A&E while my ex literally wouldn't come to extra scans I had when pregnant to screen for risks. Will continue monitoring my emotional responses 😣

Ps I realise this is idiotic, self-indulgent naval gazing.

Going out with Mr C now… date number 3

Hope it goes well!

Ok…date with Mr C over. We had great time and he came to mine…and…we DTD. It was surprisingly good but I had to ask him to go and let me be on my own.I told him I was terrified of doing DTD because I didn’t want to feel disappointed. He was a bit sad to go but understood I need my territory and my space and I want to be alone too. I will see him tomorrow for walk in country but he feels just right at the moment. I’m amazed at everything…2 weeks ago or so I was posting about this guy thinking he was too handsome for me. I still don’t understand why it is so easy. I can be myself. Ask him to give me space and it’s so different from my last relationships…I feel super calm. He’s who I thought he would be,so it’s going right. I have to travel on Sunday and he’s already thinking about taking me to Heathrow. I need to digest everything so I needed to be alone tonight.

@hotnakedgelato …I completely UNDERSTAND YOU…