Dating thread 229: Traversing the world of dating

[SortingItOut]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

Develop a thick skin.

Do not invest emotionally too soon.

It's all BS until it actually happens.

Trust your gut instinct.

People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.

Know your worth.

If it's not fun, stop.

Loo update is mandatory.

No dating the thread.

Treat others as you'd like to be treated

Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@WeWantTheFinestWines i need therapy too! I’ve actually started ‘seeing’ one via telephone. She helps people cope with long term illnesses and she’s been really helpful. I was referred to her after contacting my local branch of MIND. I’m having a psych assessment soon too. I’m a bit nervous as I’ve never been assessed that way before. It’ll be my first time speaking to a psychiatrist.

Had a lovely second date tonights despite getting, erm slightly pissed on the last one 😅 going to the beach saturday too. So we shall see I guess 🤩

Ibelieve what a lovely surprise to find that you liked the look of him on video. Fingers crossed it will be the same or better when you meet irl.

I have become increasingly lazy. I used to open a conversation with something witty or interested based on their profile - now I just send the little wavy hand to see if they respond before making any further effort.

I barely know why I bother, but I think it's because I'd like someone, whose company I enjoy, to do things with. I want to go on holiday and am just not ready to go on my own. So off they go, the little wavy hands, to be ignored...

@WeWantTheFinestWines yes it was. I’ve been a bit reticent with him because he’s still cohabiting - although sounds in a similar place to you and your set up at home, from what I can recall. They’ve been separated since last year but at the moment there are no plans to move out. At this point it seems as though he’s being straight up - no hints of any acrimony, kids at home and I think for now the arrangement works as they have kids at home and they don’t want to disrupt things for the children. He’s free to speak on the phone whenever and the whole situation appears drama-free.. so at the moment I’d say it seems okay. We did also meet via Feeld and have framed it as “wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to meet and do fun things with” and neither of us are looking to cohabit.

What apps do you use? I don’t blame you for holding back with the intro message… I’m even lazier and hardly ever message first at all. In my experience unless men are enthusiastic from the get go it never improves over time.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs that's lovely about your new iron being appealing on the video call, always a goodie. I'm interested in how the Feeld app works, it feels like it's purely sex though I've seen the same faces from say Bumble and Tinder, on Feeld. It doesn't feel as friendly as Fab I think.

People are VERY open about what they're looking for on there - I found Fab utterly terrifying... just a sea of people and absolutely no real sense of who they are as there are no face pics. On Feeld although loads of people are looking for kink, or for FWB, or just someone to drive over and shag there and then, what I like about it is that people are also very open about if they are looking for something more - and unlike on Tinder or whatever, you know that they're probably being honest about that rather than saying it because they think it's what most women want to hear (because most people on Feeld know full well it's not a place to necessarily find that). I've met two people from Feeld, both of whom have been erudite and respectful, and for me it just feels like you get a more interesting type of person. But then I say that as someone who lives on the coast - the normal apps can feel like being trapped in a Groundhog Day style dream with thousands of fish-wielding potatoes gooning down the lens!

I have actually managed to articulate what I'm looking for better this time - and realising that for whatever reason this is something I've previously been terrible at. I want regular adventures with someone - but more than FWB I think - as I want falling in love to be an option. With MrM he was terrified of Feelings and kept trying to hem in what we had so that it didn't stray into the realms of something emotional. Can't do that again.

Feeld sounds interesting
This might be my next app

what I had with Balkan suited me a lot as it was popping over to his for sex a couple of times a week , for sex and chat 💬

thats why I held on for so long as it was very convenient ! I never had any illusions we were heading for Marriage , serious etc

also I like the honesty bit
as on the others apps when you say you want casual you get flooded !

I don’t think I want endless dinner dates .

ibelieveinmirrorballs

yeah the Co-habiting would make my nerves jangle
but I’m fairly (very !) jealous and it would feel like there was another woman in their life still

dare I ask is this continues , where would you shag ?

At mine or in a hotel!

I don’t think I’m that jealous (although hmm jury may be out on that one) - although also I’m keen to see whether multi-dating / having more than one FWB type of thing could work and help dilute feelings. I really need to work on my tendency to put too much pressure on one person to be “all the things” in my life. (Or am I trying to engineer a way to still occasionally see MrM now that he’s made it clear he’d be well up for that 🧐)

ibelieveinmirrorballs

hmm the idea that you could cope with Mr M and his ways IF you had others to think about might be one to be careful about !

that’s why I chatted to others for some periods but I liked Balkan the most
you will probably still like MrM the most too ?

I met a colleague and she is poly
she has a husband and two lovers

I cannot lie I was impressed !!!!

but I’m just a boring hetero normative at heart

Haven’t been on here all week. Mr Cherry still acting weird, has only messaged me twice since our last date just over a week ago (where I tried to kiss him). I have been chatting to another iron, Mr Dog but he lives quite far away, how far are you willing to travel to meet someone? I know he would meet half way which is probably about 50 miles ish but I’m not sure if it’s worth it, he’s also a lot older than me and not as attractive as Mr Cherry, but I need to keep my options open.

Lovemusic33

id say for someone that far they would have to be very very special

is Mr cherry the one you have nice dates with but nothing physical yet ?

gosh it’s hard work isn’t it 🙈

Rubyroseyposey

it’s all going very well at your end ! I’ll get my hat 🤣

@Lovemusic33 I think it depends what kind of relationship you are looking for. Mr Dog living 100miles away and being older isn’t an issue if he’s a great guy in person and you both have the time and capacity to make it work. But it would require extra time and effort. Having more than one option when you have no certainty or commitment from anyone specific was certainly the way I went about things. Maybe if Mr Cherry doesn’t firm up the next date you should see whether Mr Dog would be up for meeting. Or at the very least do a video chat to see how he comes across.

Ooh I went on Feeld for a browse and agree it feels like a much more honest place. Eye opening and educational too! I learned a whole load of new stuff about what people are into!!

Its tricky finding the right type of connection. I don’t want to ever be married again or live with someone but I would like to meet someone I can see regularly who’s more than a FWB, I think. I tend to get too emotionally involved, not sure how to keep that distance because if I don’t feel that connection I’m not bothered about seeing them 🤷🏻‍♀️

How far is too far is another good question. Chatting with a nice guy but he’s miles away it feels impossible to find a day to even meet as it will be such a effort. It’s a shame but not sure I can be bothered….

Please don't let people still cohabiting post split put you off. Many or most people aren't just in a position to up and buy or rent a second property the minute they agree it's over, especially when children are involved - you want to be able to have enough bedrooms for them, so you're essentially funding two properties out of the joint income that previously had one property. Also if kids are involved it gives them stability while they get used to the idea of mum and dad not being together anymore. I did it for years! You do need to be able to host though - luckily the two irons I had in that time were happy to, and I just didn't consider anyone who didn't have their own place.

mrsh1807

let me know how you get on !

maybe we need to move away from that horrible FWB term
as there needs to be a term for a nice dalliance that is not heading for marriage etc (or not right now ) but makes both parties happy

I need a lover ! That’s a very old fashioned term I know but that’s what I want

Magnificent news… go back to college and take your time. Get better yourself ! Best wishes @ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers …there will be better guys coming your way 😉

Yes. A lover but one who will also do social things with you. So not just sex hookups. That’s what I’m after anyway!!

I came off feeld after about a week…it was a bit intimidating and I’m just an ordinary female looking for an ordinary guy 😁

Morning everyone…interesting conversations about Feeld, Fab, FWB… I’m quite a traditional one but good to be informed.
Im seeing Mr C later on for drink and dinner after we had lunch ( with no alcohol) on our second date. There are plans to go tomorrow to the countryside and trek ( although I’ve booked class at my gym in the morning)
My worry keeps being the same…my utter bonkers healthy lifestyle that I realise no one in my age group follows. My ex boyfriend ( I was 6 years on off with him) didn’t have it either although he made an effort

Do you remember super stud Mr Silverfox…the one who was very secretive and was living with HIS MUM? I deleted everything 2 weeks ago. He sends me text today “at what time are we meeting today?. Looking forward to seeing you “…I answered very politely…so I didn’t use “go fxxxk yourself”…Just, im not interested in people I know nothing about and prefer to date other type of man, sorry….😂😂😂. What an idiot! I think he would probably tell me he’s on MI6 or something and hence living with “his mum” as a cover.

Mr C reliable as a clockwork will pick me up later…so my weekend is done

@Thisisworsethananticpated …I sort of had a FWB romancing situation after breaking up with boyfriend…with him. It did not work for either of us although sex was out of this world. Someone gets hurt if you become emotionally attached. But it might be a good option for you perhaps to give you space to work on building yourself up and have time to your son too. Whatever you decide is good for you but that it does NOT hurt you in any way. Something like @mrsh1807 is looking for
excellent news @Rubyroseyposey …going to the beach will be a fab date

@ibelieveinmirrorballs i agree this cohabitation situation doesn't sound fatal. It appears likely it's just a matter of circumstance at the moment.

@Thisisworsethananticpated love the reframing of this concept! "Lover" sounds elegant, and implies something more meaningful than FWB.

Mr S came over last night to chat. He suggested seeing each other more often (like him coming more evenings or WFH lunches I guess). Not sure whether it's feasible in practice, but I am not opposed to it as a concept. I feel a bit funny because I have become an independent woman etc, but my relationship model from my parents is a very traditional marriage where they are in each others' pockets most of the time. I think boyfriend as life companion seems natural to me - not that we have agreed we are boyfriend and girlfriend.

As it is, he's leaving today for a week long trip and we are going on a weekend away upon his return. Will be interesting to see how traveling together goes.

I’m a big fan of the ‘lover’ moniker and I think that indeed is what I’m looking for - MrM and I described ourselves as such and it felt appropriate.

@Mila14 Kind of shocked he still thought it was going ahead 🤣😬 have a lovely time with mr c 🤩

But why date then? Surely it's complicated and painful for all involved, especially if there are kids in the house. Not being judgemental but it would make me extremely uncomfortable to be involved with someone still living in the family home. TBH, it would always be in the back of my mind that some 'friendly' drinks with the husband/wife could lead to romance...just seems like a needlessly complex situation.

@hotnakedgelato …wow…going really well with your Mr S. I’m also very traditional like you for these things but I don’t want to live with my boyfriend. I have kids and prefer to have a formal boyfriend but in a couple where each lives in his/her home. I think travelling together is a good test of intimacy, fun and deep connection.
Thank you @Rubyroseyposey …what a chancer Mr Silverfox!!! I’m sorry I could not unmask him though and have a laugh here afterwards. I’m convinced he is fully married. With Mr C, I’m going slow because that is what I feel like this time round. I’m not in a hurry to DTD either. I’m enjoying 0 panicking and 0 suffering. We chat normally on phone he checks my message the moment I send it and calls and answers like a normal person. I’m worried about DTD to be honest because sex is super important for me right now and I’m used to brilliant sex. I’m not sure how I would feel about ED to be honest or crap sex. I’m frank about this