To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

Could the breeder foster the dogs for you? Breed specific rescue or vet know anyone? Honestly I would rather spay and use the place you have found. You won’t be in a position to breed and they will be safe from pyo that way.

I don't think so. She said "I have to agree to have them spayed".

Just pondering the dog options. What breed/age/sex are they? Do they need to be the only dogs in a placement or are they okay with other dogs?

They chihuahuas, both girls, one is 18 months and the other is 8 months. Not the best with other dogs

Have you looked at local dog rescues on Facebook? Or by work of mouth? The kind that are small and foster-based (don’t have premises)? If you made direct contact with the owners or managers of a few, one of them might be happy to come up with a tailored solution for you.

Is your DDs' dad a bit like your STBX, OP?

What do your DDs feel about yr partner?

Don't treat the 8 yo like an adult even if she's sounding a bit like an adult. Be confident and firm.

So yr partner returns from his work thing tomorrow. Are you still going to be able to pack and prepare mentally with him around?

I'm worried about this too. I think if OP can pull the money together it would be ideal to leave before he gets back from his trip and maybe stay in a hotel for a night or two before then going to the refuge. She's so, so vulnerable to his manipulation face to face.

Or a friends' house.

I presume you've been told not to give him any clue you're going? Will you be able to manage this do you think, OP?

No their dad is nothing like him. An arsehole in his own right but a very good dad and agreeable when he's not winding himself up

Does he nor what your STBX is like?

Yes he does

Do you have a friend you could stay with from before he gets back until the refuge on Friday?

Or could you get enough together money to stay in a hotel for that time period?

I'm really worried that over the next few days he will manipulate you into staying yet again.

And you really can't, for the sake of your girls

Ok OP, if he knows what a man he is then surely he'll be glad you're making the final break? Am guessing he also might know a bit about the factors which have pulled you back in the past?

Could he drive to visit you all in the refuge?

He might sexually abuse your daughter as he appears to have no boundaries, particularly if she is autistic and he sees her as truly powerless. That's the reality. He's constantly sexually abusing you and now harming your little dog. He's a psycho, clearly. I think you need to get away from this man immediately and stay away permanently. Nothing is worth that risk.

I'm sorry he has hurt you so much.

Thinking of you OP.

Update us when you can.

I feel awful saying this but I'm starting to wonder if my mums attitude towards things are the reason I've made poor decisions myself. I've been talking to her this morning, telling her I'm confused and questioning myself. She's telling me not to go, that if I have doubts then don't go, let the girls finish school, keep my dogs etc. I'm sure it's well meant but it's not what I need to hear. I even said that if it's not now, then it'll be in the future because this situation won't ever change, it hasn't in 3 years.

I seen him last night, (kids were with their dad) mainly because I was hoping he'd prove me right in my decision. He was ok, didn't do much except over feed my dogs when I've said 100 times not to because my puppy will eat until she's in pain given the chance and slapped my leg really really hard like 4 times in succession, I actually have a bruise this morning. It wasn't in an aggressive way, still don't know why he did it. He started telling me that I'll always have trust issues in men because my own dad left when I was a child, then admitted he has issues himself because of his own upbringing (alcoholic mother, rejection by his own dad). I don't know why he brought it up. I feel guilty this morning at what I'm going to do, because I don't think he has any idea.

Anyway, I'm here because I need a push and a reminder and I know you ladies are the ones to do it.

I feel guilty this morning at what I'm going to do, because I don't think he has any idea.

He assaulted you yesterday yet again OP.

Stop feeling guilty about him and start concentrating on the lifelong, eternal guilt you'll have if you don't get your daughters out of this environment.

You have to choose now. Between feeling guilty for leaving him or feeling guilty for subjecting your daughters to him for any longer.

Put them first.

You must push on with going to the refuge tomorrow.

I seen him last night, (kids were with their dad) mainly because I was hoping he'd prove me right in my decision.

This is exactly why you MUST go to the refuge. You say you saw him to hope he'd prove you right. There was no need to see him but you actively chose to, regardless of the reason. You are still wrapped up in his toxicity and manipulation. You won't be able to move past that without professional support.

Ignore your mum. She doesn't understand abuse and how to leave abusive relationships or she wouldn't spout such shit. She's happy for her grandkids and daughter to be under the same roof as an abuser so her opinion doesn't mean anything whatsoever.

Please please don't give up your refuge space.

He was ok, didn't do much except over feed my dogs when I've said 100 times not to because my puppy will eat until she's in pain given the chance and slapped my leg really really hard like 4 times in succession, I actually have a bruise this morning.

Your bar for him is so low that him being 'ok' and 'didn't do much' means he only physically assaulted you (to the extent there's a bruise from his slaps) and caused your helpless little dog pain.

That's him on a good day.

Please, please go to the refuge as planned tomorrow.

You are doing the right thing. He won’t change, he assaulted you again last night . Your mum is completely wrong in telling you to stay as you know yourself. Taking your girls and starting a new life is the best thing for you all. Stay strong!

I don't want to come across like I'm deliberately acting stupid because I'm not, but do your partners/husbands not do things like the slaps then? Even as a joke? Couples play fight don't they, I'm not saying I think what he's done is ok but I'm trying to understand to what level of bad it is.

And you're all right, my heads a mess and I'm 100% damaged in my way of thinking. I so hope it can be repaired, I've lived with this way of thinking for about 2 years, it wasn't always like this.

The refuge has in house counsellors to deal with trauma, anxiety etc I hope they can help me create a new way of thinking.

Also, before I call the dogs trust, is there anyone at all in the North east that would be willing to foster my dogs? Please inbox me if you think you could help.

Nope, normal partners never ever hurt each other. If I was to playfight with mine and he accidentally hurt me and / or left a bruise, he would be visibly really upset, keep apologising even if it was a complete accident and be unsettled and upset that I had a bruise as it would remind him he had hurt me.

He would never, ever hurt me on purpose. Or do something that could hurt me, on purpose. And that isn't a gold standard, that should be an absolute basic requirement.

I promise you, your dynamic with him is incredibly abusive. Don't focus on individual incidents and go over them with a fine tooth comb, for now. Leave that for counselling.

At the moment, focus on the big picture:

Your girls are currently under the same roof as a sex offender, physical abuser and emotional manipulator. You have to get them out and go to the refuge.

I’d go with the dog’s trust over internet randoms tbh... I know you’re not keen on them being spayed, but they’re old enough - seasons are pretty horrible for bitches and it completely removed the risk of accidental puppies and pyometra, which is horrible.

They won’t do it till they’re settled in - I actually had one dog that left still entire because he had other medical stuff to deal with first and then his owner got rehoused very quickly.

Re the slapping... no, that’s not play fighting, that’s just him hitting you.