To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

When we used to play fight I never got slapped, never got hurt, DH always let me win because well basically he could pin me down one handed easily.

It was silly wrestling with lots of laughter and giggles from us both usually him stopping me from being silly and licking his face.

To slap someone 4 times, how is that "play", to slap someone hard enough to bruise them is some force.

Yep your Mum and your upbringing is a huge part of the issue perhaps even the cause.

You are so close to getting the help and support you and your children need, OP. Please, please stay strong for a bit longer - your all your sakes.

It's good that you see that your mother has played a crucial part in your current thinking with this abusive man. Use this opportunity, and the counselling you'll get, to break this pattern for a better, healthier mental future for yourself and also for your children. Sending you strength. 🌹

You're so close OP, keep going.

No, it isn't normal the things he does to you, you know that deep down, that's why you've put these arrangements in place. One last step and you will be free to live a wonderful life with your kids 🤗

Keep going OP.

I think if you go two generations back from modern women, they were completely programmed to smooth things over, grit their teeth and keep going. Lots of women got stuck in abusive marriages for a lifetime. My gran’s marriage was outwardly respectable but sounds like hell.

Our mums’ generation(s) seem to me to be a bit of a mixed bag, depending on background and life experience. Some of them are very forward looking and some more in time with the views of their parents.

Your mum maybe is a bit old fashioned? Or quite a quiet personality? Or maybe just unaware of the dynamics of abuse? It takes drastic action to break the cycle. Maybe it seems too drastic to your mum, but you know better. You do what you need to do for you and your own girls. 💐

Funny thing is, my mum is far from quiet and subdued, she's outspoken and wears her heart on her sleeve. I'm alot like her, or I was before I met my partner. I was super confident, self assured and now I'm clearly a push over. It angers me because I know there's a far better version of me than I currently am.

Why do I feel so much guilt? Towards him? He's clearly got issues, I guess I feel sorry for him. I'm sad that the relationship is ending, shit as it's been there's feelings. Probably not the right ones but feelings all the same.

I don't want to do this. But my girls need me to and I need professional help to come to terms with it all. I hope future me thanks me for it.

I've arranged for the girls to see their dad again tonight because I don't know how long it will be untill they see him again. I've told him I need to keep them for the weekend because we're going on a weekend away. So when he drops them off tomorrow they'll be thinking we are going on holiday. My 8 year old knows somethings up, she keeps asking me about him.

@sundaymondayhappydayss

He's clearly got issues, I guess I feel sorry for him.

Please don't feel sorry for this manipulative, violent person. His actions towards you and the people and pets you love are premeditated and he gets a perverse satisfaction in this threats and actions. Nobody needs someone like this in their lives.

You are absolutely doing the right thing in escaping from his clutches and getting your daughters also out of harm's way. Please keep it up. 🌹

Your future you will definitely thank you for it and so will your girls.

You can’t fix him and you don’t owe him.

I was super confident, self assured and now I'm clearly a push over.
You are not a pushover - you were gaslit, manipulated & controlled by an abuser.
The psychology is complex, pervasive, & very hard to 'see' let alone escape.
The psychology works whether the victim is a 'pushover' or a strong, confident, intelligent, happy person. Because it works on everyone, eventually. Everyone has their weak spots & breaking points.

It angers me because I know there's a far better version of me than I currently am.
You are absolutely right. She's waiting for you at the refuge.
There is SO MUCH help out there OP.
You will learn more in individual therapy, but you can also access your own resources & educate yourself about the dynamics of domestic abuse, coercive control, & the gendered nature of domestic violence.

Look on your escape as your next adventure.
You are going to find your old self again - & guess what?
She will be so pleased to see you again - & SO IMPRESSED with what you have held together, & how much you & she are now capable of together.

Women who survive DA, DV & CC are immensely strong.
They have to be - to manage & cope with their abuser.
Their tactics may not be easy to understand from the outside - hence all the smug ignorant knee-jerking like "but why don't you just LTB" or "well I would NEVER allow a man to xyz" as if they know one fucking jot about it - but they are survival tactics nonetheless, & you should give yourself a pat on the back for making it this far.

And tomorrow, even further.
You've got this, OP

PS here's a cracking resource to start off with.
Once you're settled, browse the whole site.
You'll find your Ex in there. Maybe (but hide it from your girls!) draw his horrible face on a cushion so you can give it a good punching when you feel overwhelmed
outofthefog.website/what-it-feels-like

No! Please believe what we are telling you. Decent men do not slap their partners! As a joke? How would that be funny? And of course slapping you hard 4 times in a row is aggressive. There is no way for it not to be.

You need to get away from this man NOW! He has obviously messed you up so that you believe this is normal behavior. It's not!

Also, I may have missed it, but did you explain why you don't want to get your dogs spayed?

Well he managed to abuse you and your dog again. This man is POISON.

@sundaymondayhappydayss, you must save all your lives by going to the refuge.

Please, please go through with this tomorrow OP.

You can do it. We are all standing behind you - imagine us there if you feel yourself faltering.

Good luck today OP.

You can do this.

We are all here if you need us

Good luck today xx

Good luck for today. You can do this.

Feel physically sick this morning. I really hope I'm doing the right thing

You are 100% doing the right thing OP.

If you stay, you aren't putting your daughters first.

If you leave, you are.

Forget the details and focus on that.

Choose them.

Get to the refuge and engage with every single resource you're offered, especially counselling

Good luck. You’re absolutely doing the right thing. Believe it. Trust the people that are going to help you. You might have wobbles. You might think about giving up. Write a list of things he’s done that aren’t right. Read it when you feel wobbly. I hope you get the dogs safe. Here’s to a safer future and a happier, stronger you.

I know I am really late but just wanted to mention Dogs Trust Freedom Programme again. Call them ASAP. I used to work there, it's a fantastic programme.

You are doing the right thing.

That man is destroying you and your DC.

Take a deep breath, dear @sundaymondayhappydayss - you CAN do this. This is absolutely a step in the right direction and safety for you and your children. Everything else follows - please hold your nerve. The alternative is unbearable.

MAKE SURE you block him on everything so he doesn't great chance to worm back into your brain. If/when you feel yourself weakening ask yourself. "What am I gaining in letting this dangerous man back in our lives? Who is more important - my children, or him?" You already know the answers but, keep reminding yourself what you have to gain by putting yourself back in his clutches.

Think of this as surgery to remove a cancer from your life. Sending you a handhold, and wishing you strength. 🌹

MAKE SURE you block him on everything so he doesn't great chance to worm back into your brain. If/when you feel yourself weakening ask yourself. "What am I gaining in letting this dangerous man back in our lives? Who is more important - my children, or him?" You already know the answers but, keep reminding yourself what you have to gain by putting yourself back in his clutches.

This.

And engage engage engage with all resources and support offered at the refuge.

You're doing the right thing Sundays.

You need to keep your girls clear of that awful man.
He's got a fucking screw loose. Once cunts like him start escalating to animal abuse, somebody is going to get hurt - guaranteed.

He would drown your puppy in front of you, just to see your pain. Just to see how much he could get away with. Just to test the limits of his control over you.

Today is an adventure, remember? The first day of your new life, where you get to be in charge of your girls' safety & future.

It's ok to wobble. I nearly puked in the lawyer's office, signing the documents detailing his abuse that got me the restraining order.
Remember who you used to be, before him? Go & find her again - I have already told you this, but here it is again - she is waiting for you at the refuge. You are going to learn so much together. You are going to heal, & grow, & be safe & happy.