To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

[sundaymondayhappydayss]

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

So pleased for you and your girls. You are fantastic xx

You'll have woken up in a safe space today OP and I bet that feels great, especially if your girls were happy yesterday! Hope today is another good day. Don't falter, this is your chance so grab it.

I'm so pleased you've made it. Remember the person you were before you met this man? Well this is the first big step on the road to being her again, just keep moving forward and take all the help available.
You can do this and you and your kids so deserve the new life you're heading for 🌻

Finding things really hard this evening. Anxiety is off the scale, feel so unsettled

You can do this OP.

Focus on your future, your daughters' future.

You have to make this the time that you continue to work with the refuge and don't go home, so that you don't have to go through his abuse again and they don't have to go through the cycle of upheaval again.

Make this the time you stick to it. Remember how easily he manipulates you and confuses you - that means it's not safe for you or them to go back.

Feeling unsettled is completely understandable OP, this stage must feel like you're in limbo, nothing is 'normal' but nothing is sorted or settled yet either. This is probably the hardest bit though, if you can manage to hold your nerve and get through the next week or two hopefully you should start to get an idea of what help there is available and what might be possible and then you can start to make plans. Once you can see the positive things ahead for you and DC it will get easier, just hang in there for a bit longer. Happy to talk (here or by PM) if it helps at all, I'm rooting for you to get through this and be free of him

Perfectly understandable for you to feel unsettled, @sundaymondayhappydayss

You are not in your usual place, the pattern of your life is changing (for the BETTER!!), you have to think about doing things in a different (but BETTER) way... yes it's not instant and it's not comfortable - yet.

Now you do need to hold on, take a deep breath and steady yourself because you are on the path of a better life not just for yourself but even more importantly, for your children too.

Look at your daughters your goal for them in front of you every time you are feeling unsettled or under pressure to return to your old, and hurtful life.

Break that old destructive pattern and focus on the steps you need to take to make a safer, happier life for you all.

You CAN do this!! 🌹

Of course you feel unsettled. Your life has been turned upside down. But it’s not forever. And it’s so you can have a safe and happy future with your kids. A secure future.

Oh bless you, day by day it will get easier. Then all this will be a distant memory. Walking away from a relationship that no longer serves you requires some strength. You should be proud. Here's to the new life without the arsehole xxx

Although the things you've done is right and good and brave, it's also quite traumatic. It will take a while to adjust. You're far from home.

Give yourself time.

Oh Lovely, it must be really tough right now but keep focusing on getting through each day. It will get easier and one day you will look back on this moment from a much better place.

You should be so proud of yourself-you have shown immense strength and courage. What an amazing example you are showing your girls. When they are older they will be proud of you too.

Keep posting on here for support-we’re an army standing by your side. And repeat my favourite phrase for times that feel impassable-keep buggering on!

Thankyou all for supporting me, means more than you probably realise. Woke up feeling a little different today, still anxious but a bit more determined. My 8 year old had a cry about it all last night and then my mum FaceTimed me and I seen my dogs and house which made me cry.

I've a feeling he somehow knows what I've done. I haven't had to change my number yet as I actually haven't heard anything from him since I left, which is odd.

@sundaymondayhappydaysswhy are you waiting to hear from him?! Why haven't you already blocked him?

You need to cut all contact and block him on everything. You don't need to see what he will say, you need to remove him from your life completely.

If you and your daughters were not in a dangerous situation, you would not have been given this amount of help and support and a place in a refuge. Please, please think about that x

@sundaymondayhappydayss

I've a feeling he somehow knows what I've done. I haven't had to change my number yet as I actually haven't heard anything from him since I left, which is odd.

OP do you have "Share My Location" switched ON on your smartphone? Check Settings, Privacy, Location Services. If so turn it off.

Also perhaps consider blocking him from your phone.

Does your mother know your new location? 🌹

I've checked my location, checked the locations on the girls iPads, anything else I can check?

Mum knows the city I'm in, she doesn't know exactly where though.

I didn't block him yet because I didn't want him turning up to my house where my mum has been staying with my dogs this weekend. Getting a new sim today though, changing my email address and blocking on everything.

Does anyone know how to effectively block someone on email? I tried before but his emails still came through.

Just checked my phone, location services was on!!

Let's hope he hasn't checked it then. Tell the refuge staff about that, they need to know.

There is advice on the women's aid website about keeping yourself safe digitally:

https://marcusc25.sg-host.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/DigitalStalkinggGuideV22Nov_2012.pdf

@sundaymondayhappydayss

Does anyone know how to effectively block someone on email? I tried before but his emails still came through.

You could mark all his emails as Junk mail. They'll go in your Junk folder and you can delete the entire contents from there. I think you can set up the Junk folder to auto delete regular at a timeframe you set - if I remember correctly.

Or you can set up a rule in your email for all mail from him to go in a subfolder you name - you'd need to find out how to do that - maybe one of the refuge staff can help with that.

Do ensure your mother doesn't even tell him which city you are in.

What is happening re the dogs? 🌹

Good you are changing your email address. Consider making the new address very different to your old one - maybe add some non/text or special characters in the address. 🌹

That guide I linked to is massive, sorry, but they have to cover all platforms and situations - which is good.

Looks like page 47 onwards might be most helpful?

Tell the staff this asap and ask what you need to do next to stay safe.

They should be able to advise about all the measures you need to take to stay safe and stop him finding out where you are.

Have they not told you to block him?

Don't give your mum any more specifics at all, she isn't a safe person to trust right now as she didn't understand how serious this was.

How are you and your children doing, OP ?

Hi OP, just wanted you to know that lots of us are thinking of you and your girls and willing you on. Is everything ok?

Yes, thinking of you and your girls OP.

Good morning @sundaymondayhappydayss

Hope all is well with you and your daughters in the refuge. Hope all is calm and that you are getting the advice and help you need and feeling less lost in your temporary home? 🌹