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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To go to womens refuge tomorrow?

376 replies

sundaymondayhappydayss · 20/05/2022 00:15

Please please please don't berate me. I'm extremely fragile, I'm just questioning my judgment massively at present.

There's a long history of sexual abuse (touching without consent, no bodily respect etc), I have previously been to refuge but returned after two days as he found me and spoke me round so to speak.

We got back together, he didn't change regarding the respect and sexual aspects. My children noticed, social services got involved after I enquired again about refuge but backed out after he found out.

He maintains I'm the problem, that he does what he does because I'm distant or have male friends.

We broke up around 3 months ago, I don't know why but I found myself desperate to have him back, I now have him back albeit not living together since I helped him to find a flat etc.

Tonight he put my puppy chihuahua into a pool of water. This may sound trivial but she had just woke up, it was dark and he decided to see if she could swim despite me firmly telling him not to do this to her. He has rearranged my bedroom despite me pleading with him to leave my bedroom alone, (this happens every time he is here, he jokingly claims my bed is his since he collected it in his work van for me) his reasoning is that he sleeps better where he puts the bed.

I am aware this is trivial, or perhaps sounds trivial but it's the underlying lack of respect of my wishes. As soon as my kids went to bed he forced my bra off of me, the whole time with 'smiles' and 'jokes' despite me saying i didn't want my bra removed.

The history of this relationship is huge but this is the basics of our recent times.

I just can't deal with it anymore. 4 weeks ago I wanted to throw myself from a bridge because I just couldn't cope with the mental torture. I feel better now but I'm really upset about what he's done to my dog, I really feel it just shows he doesn't give a fuck about my feelings.

I'm in bed next to him now vowing to go to refuge tomorrow, I know I could just end it but he will come to my
House and I'll let him back. Like I always do.

I left refuge last time in part due to the fact they were insisting I move my kids to a different school. My youngest is awaiting an assessment for autism and the school are brilliant with her so I really don't want to go down this road. But I am aware that I am doing them harm by remaining in this state of disrespect.

Should I go to refuge?

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 13:34

Still thinking of you OP. You're so nearly there when it comes to making a new, safe life for your daughters. Let us know later that you're there safely if you get a chance, lots of us are willing you on Flowers

Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 27/05/2022 16:34

Well, I'm here! Worrying about the dogs and anxious about telling the school and the kids dad though. But for now the girls are actually really happy!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 27/05/2022 16:38

Oh I am so, so, so pleased OP!!!

You did it! Be bloody proud of yourself and stay strong.

Keep talking to us if it helps, especially if you have any second thoughts.

Flowers
Dillidilly · 27/05/2022 16:45

sundaymondayhappydayss · 27/05/2022 16:34

Well, I'm here! Worrying about the dogs and anxious about telling the school and the kids dad though. But for now the girls are actually really happy!

Fantastic news!

RandomMess · 27/05/2022 16:50

Remember how happy the girls are to be away from him. Write it down and keep that in your mind anytime you waver in your decision.

JanglyBeads · 27/05/2022 17:22

Well done @sundaymondayhappydayss !!!!

Newestname002 · 27/05/2022 17:43

sundaymondayhappydayss · 27/05/2022 16:34

Well, I'm here! Worrying about the dogs and anxious about telling the school and the kids dad though. But for now the girls are actually really happy!

Oh thank goodness - WELL DONE!! Great your girls are happy. What are your new quarters like? How are YOU feeling? 🌹

Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 27/05/2022 19:11

If it wasn't for you ladies I actually wouldn't be in this refuge. Still a long way to go and a lot to overcome.

The refuge is really nice, we have a big 2 bed, fully furnished flat to ourselves, it's nice and clean. No different to any other flat that a family might decide to rent or buy.

OP posts:
Original poster
sundaymondayhappydayss · 27/05/2022 19:12

I feel ok. A bit overwhelmed and mainly anxious, feel a bit isolated being so far away from home

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 27/05/2022 19:19

Two bed flat sounds fab OP.

Goatlady5812 · 27/05/2022 19:19

OP! You did it. I’m so very very proud of you. Here’s to the start of a new life with your girls x

Itstimetoquit · 27/05/2022 19:30

Weldone op,stay strong x

KettrickenSmiled · 27/05/2022 19:36

The anxiety will settle OP with a little time & familiarity.
Your flat sounds great!

A haven for you & the girls, & a safe space for you to start healing from all the damage that arsehole inflicted on you.
I hope you can access therapy on some kind of fast-track process, & start giving yourself the care & nurture you have been missing for so long - now that all your focus is no longer on managing that awful man & his moods & behaviours.

xxx

Porcupineintherough · 27/05/2022 19:42

Really glad that you've taken the leap and are no safe. Please tell me you've blocked him or changed your phone number. And changed your email address too.

Maytodecember · 27/05/2022 20:27

Well done, you’ve been tremendously strong to do this. The anxiety will lessen in time, I remember how horrid it feels though. So glad your girls are happy. Onwards and upwards now.

JanglyBeads · 27/05/2022 21:06

And never think I don't want to bother the staff here every five minutes. Do. They'd much rather you did that than sit and get anxious and end up returning.

How are your DC?

Sortilege · 27/05/2022 21:11

Fabulous news, and now you have the weekend to settle in before tackling the admin.

2022NewTimes · 27/05/2022 21:19

Please write down all the reason of why you left - read it everyday - do not feel sorry for him - think of your beautiful children and their wellbeing - do NOT let him get back not matter what he says - he will not change - he has shown you who he is -read everything you can to educate yourself so you do not fall for his traps - please read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Book by Lundy Bancroft - you will be amazed and all the recognised behaviours

BornBlonde · 27/05/2022 21:24

I'm pleased you and the girls are safe. OP your mother is not supportive and not understanding the danger you and your DC are in.I would suggest no contact with her, she may try to convince you to leave the refuge or possibly even tell him where you are

Newestname002 · 27/05/2022 23:12

BornBlonde · 27/05/2022 21:24

I'm pleased you and the girls are safe. OP your mother is not supportive and not understanding the danger you and your DC are in.I would suggest no contact with her, she may try to convince you to leave the refuge or possibly even tell him where you are

Absolutely this - no contact with your mother and please please don't tell or hint to anyone where you are, the area you're in, etc. This is your safe place where your mind and body can start to relax and for you to take the steps back to a happier life with your children. Also, if not already done, I suggest you coming off all social media for now and block your "partner" on your phone (calls, WhatsApp, iMessage, Snapchat, emails, Twitter etc). Starve him, and any flying monkeys he has (including your mother?) of knowledge of your whereabouts and plans. If you are in contact with your daughters' father be very careful what you say to him so he does not, even accidentally, drop you in it. I'm sure you'll be given excellent advice by the Refuge personnel.

You are doing well - keep it up! 🌹

Hardly123 · 27/05/2022 23:46

Hello

I've been following your thread. So incredibly glad you've left. Your 2 bed flat sounds fantastic.

I have a story for you. My mother was in your position 30 years ago. She never left although I asked her to as I got older and understood the situation. Slowly she became worn down by the abuse and my relationship with her disintegrated. She developed severe mental health issues and never left my father. Eventually social services got involved. She became a shell of a person and couldn't maintain relationships with anyone, including me. Now I'm 36 and I haven't had a relationship with either of my parents since I was 17. At all. If she had left, like you have done, relatively early on, I believe I would have had a chance of having a functioning family and would at least have a relationship with my mother, rather than no parents at all. At 36 I still frequently gloss over my childhood and pretend to people that my family is OK. OK and happy to me would have been having a mum who could relate to me, not a mum who never left her abuser and left me in that situation. I wish my mum had done what you've done and I really hope you can build a life for yourself - I am sure you can - it's really your best chance at having a healthy loving family. Hope these words make some difference to you when things feel tough and you doubt yourself. At 36 I am still scared of men and have had relationships, but am terrified of marriage or children. I know you can show your kids what a happy home is like and you've taken the first steps Xx

BemoreDerek · 28/05/2022 03:48

You are so much stronger than you realise OP, the old, self assured you can and will come back once you're fully free of his hold over you and you've taken such a huge step towards that by going to the refuge.

Also, just to touch on the slapping your legs thing, no it's not normal and no it doesn't happen in my (or most) relationships. I know how confusing it is to realise something you thought was normal is actually abusive but I think it might help you to stay away if you can see how far outside normal it is for him to slap and bruise you like that. The fact that it doesn't even seem to stem from any kind of angry outburst from him makes it even worse in a way, he's just casually inflicting pain on you without even batting an eyelid. I'm so glad you and DC are safe from him now and I'm praying you can stay strong enough not to go back Flowers

PrawnMeringue · 28/05/2022 06:46

Well done OP! Stay strong and resolved! We're all rooting for you. Your life will transform from this point on.

Weenurse · 28/05/2022 07:43

Well done 💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2022 07:54

I hope you all had a good night. It sounds as if you have great accommodation, which is lovely to hear, especially as your girls are really happy. Really hoping this is the start of a new life for you all. And I truly hope their dad understands the importance of going so far away and that you took them to protect them.