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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this funny? Do I have no sense of humour?

171 replies

PilatesPeach · 18/05/2022 11:11

Been seeing a chap - he is rather impatient, brusque. For example, I have said on a number of occasions that it is normal in my experience, when couples meet up to do something or go somewhere (when they do not live together), that they would say hello and have a kiss or hug. Many people even do this with friends nowadays. Not something to be expected according to him and not a big deal - he said the other day that as we'd already spoken that day on the phone, why did I expect him to give me a kiss hello and say hi when we met up later that day. Instead he just asked me if I was ready and "let's go".

Then today - speaking on the phone, was saying how (and I appreciate I am generalising) that many women like non-sexual affection and that this contributes towards them wanting to have sex. I said some blokes can have sex with someone they don't like as they can overall be more sexually orientated whereas for many women this would not be the case to which he replied "yes I know they can as that's what I've been doing with you" and then said afterwards "joke - it's a joke, where's your sense of humour?"
I have a fantastic sense of humour - everyone who knows me says I am hilarious and should do stand up - did my sense of humour fail me this time or is he just a total dickhead? That is the way I am leaning! I have a self-deprecating sense of humour too - his humour is always aimed at me never at himself.

OP posts:
ResentfulLemon · 18/05/2022 12:21

I'm not a tactile person and pretty cold emotionally, but even I give my husband of 20 years a quick kiss hello when I return home...from anywhere.

Sometimes affection is transactional in as much as you know the other person values it more than you do, but in a relationship you're meant to balance and compliment each other...not make one another feel like rubbish.

Please don't continue to give this man your time or affection, he's telling you quite clearly that he's not worth it. You should listen.

gamerchick · 18/05/2022 12:22

Can't be doing with a dude who does the negging thing. Just chuck the daft twat back and he can find someone else to navigate his belly in the sack. Cheeky git.

icelollycraving · 18/05/2022 12:24

He sounds like a cunt. Get rid ffs!

10HailMarys · 18/05/2022 12:25

Ugh. he's negging. Textbook negger.

It's a classic way of making you feel shit so your self-esteem plummets, and then they turn it around on you to say that you're over-sensitive/no fun/have no sense of humour when you object. See also: not showing you basic affection like 'Hi!' and a peck on the cheek when you meet him and then implying that you are being needy by expecting something that is in fact totally normal and nice. You're not needy and you clearly do have a sense of humour. Couples taking the piss out of each other in an affectionate way that you both find funny - fine. One person saying unpleasant things about the other one's appearance etc all the time - not fine.

To cut a long story short: he's a twat and he needs to get in the fucking bin.

icelollycraving · 18/05/2022 12:26

Next time (if there has to be) and he does this weird shit, I’d just get my bag and leave. No need for greetings, no need for weeping. 👋🏻

PilatesPeach · 18/05/2022 12:27

Thank you everyone

I'm off to work and will speak to him later

Apart from on here, I have never verbalised how hilarious I am and that people have said I should do stand up 😂 it was meant to be lighthearted

OP posts:
dearhummingbirds · 18/05/2022 12:27

It wasn’t funny.

But, I think you’re just incompatible. People have different love languages or are less tactile. I’m not a hugger and wouldn’t greet friends with a kiss and a hug. I’ve never greeted my DP of 10 years that way either. We tell each other we love each other when one of us leaves the house, and otherwise do show affection. But not as a greeting.

CoastalWave · 18/05/2022 12:28

You just sound like you're not a match.

Circles/squares. Just move on.

pigsDOfly · 18/05/2022 12:29

Why the hell are you even bothering with him?

Get rid of him he sounds appalling.

icelollycraving · 18/05/2022 12:29

So Brian, people say I should do standup..stand up and run.

Greensleeves · 18/05/2022 12:29

OMG you're shagging Peter Griffin Shock

SpaceFarce · 18/05/2022 12:36

PilatesPeach · 18/05/2022 11:19

On the same call earlier he made a comment that I am overweight - not at all true am very slim and fit whereas he is overweight with a great big tummy that can make sex awkward but I would never dream or saying this to him. He thinking call me porky or chunko is hilarious and my asking him to refrain has no effect. If I go to sit on the sofa he says "back it up love, here comes the wide load"
Thanks all.

From your OP I was thinking you were being over sensitive - both DH and I are very sarcastic and it’s the kind of thing we’d say to each other and know we were joking, but if you don’t know each other super well, or the tone was off, it’s a different story.

Anyway, when I read this I thought it’s obviously a problem for you and you’re incompatible, OR he’s a dick - it’s still difficult to say if you’re not there yourself to hear the tone and see body language.

BDMO.

LetitiaLeghorn · 18/05/2022 12:36

You both sound like hard work to be honest. He seems rude and you seem quite rigid in your belief that other people should behave like you. You haven't said one nice things about him so clearly he's not the one for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/05/2022 12:38

PilatesPeach · 18/05/2022 11:30

Wow - hard work on the greeting thing? Expecting to say hello and maybe a kiss when you don't live together? Find this so normal -friends say hello so why not couples? Sometimes I arrive and he does not say anything at all to me.

Of course it's normal, I greet my DH hello with a kiss when i get home everyday/when he gets home and to say goodbye as well and we live together

housemaus · 18/05/2022 12:39

It'd be a funny joke if he was super affectionate and loving and it clearly wasn't true - the joke then is the disconnect between what he's saying and what he actually does.

When his behaviour actually reflects the mean thing he's saying, it's not funny.

veronicagoldberg · 18/05/2022 12:39

He sounds like an absolute prick.

moomintrolls · 18/05/2022 12:39

You don't sound compatible so all he's doing at this time is standing in the way of you and whoever you will end up with.

tcjotm · 18/05/2022 12:42

Tell him he’s right, you do need to get rid of some excess weight and you are dumping him.

He sounds very unpleasant.

Eddielizzard · 18/05/2022 12:43

I think he's attempting to neg you and even managing to fuck that up.

There's no future with this guy. He's not a good un.

FatOaf · 18/05/2022 12:45

Why do so many Mumsnetters go to such lengths to establish or maintain relationships with people they don't like?

I'm talking about "friends" (many Mumsnetters have a strange definition of this word) as well as "partners" (even stranger).

GalactatingGoddess · 18/05/2022 12:45

Nothing he has said is funny. He is trying to put you down and make you doubt yourself. Red flag at the very least.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 18/05/2022 12:45

Oopsiedaisyy · 18/05/2022 11:13

Dickhead.

And your needs for affection are never going to be met. End it

This. If he's doing this now it will only get worse. Why wouldn't you kiss or hug hello, how odd?

Wam90 · 18/05/2022 12:47

So if you lived together and he said good morning to you in the morning and then left to go to work, he wouldn’t say hello when he walked back through the door when he arrived home. He doesn’t sound very respectful.
The comment about sex would depend on the tone but the fact he doesn’t greet you makes it sound like you’re just company to him rather than anyone meaningful that he respects. You deserve better.

muddyford · 18/05/2022 12:49

He's using you until someone else is unfortunate enough to fall for his charming personality and sparkling conversation.

BellePeppa · 18/05/2022 12:51

When you look back and wished you left earlier, this is that moment. Best to end it now.

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