AIBU to think £200 month takes the piss

[budelle]

Partner wants to move in, he has offered to pay £200 month. He earns roughly £500 a week and has sold his house with his ex. I'm a single mom and would lose my tax credits £480 month. Obviously I would be able to work more to compensate as he would help with childcare. Just seems very imbalanced, what would you do?

Get married and insist all your finances are shared

Theres no guarantee you can rely on him for childcare so I wouldn’t accept this, you don’t want to lose £280 a month when the price of everything is going up! As others have said, also need to consider that your energy and food bills will be higher with an extra adult in the house. Break down your costs to him and give him a more realistic number if you really want him to move in.

But then he could take her to court and claim a share of the property if they split. I would charge him 50% of all bills and get a legal contract drawn up.

Better still, wait until you are ready to make the commitment of buying a house together.

So is he a lodger renting a spare room then not a partner? Your terms seem more in line with a lodger than a partner.

I think £700 a month inclusive is about right , plus 50% on shops. your less tax credits plus his share of household bills balances it out. It's less than he will get anywhere else to rent with bills.

I'd be asking him how he came to that figure for starters.

I see that's what your oldest contributes; but there's a big difference between being a child of the household and the partner of the householder. We still effectively subsidise out children when we take dig money off them, as there's no way they'd get the same standard of living elsewhere for that money. And we subsidise them to allow them to save enough to fly the nest. So my second question would be - why does he feel entitled to you subsidising him, and what would he be saving for?

If he's on £500/week, £200/month for all his bed & board leaves him with over £400/week disposable income. I don't think I've ever had that much money to spend as I please!

There's a third question floating about here too, and it is "Just how do I feel about a man who wants to live off me, whose presence in my house would make me £480 worse off immediately and probably more as time went on, who must know how much it costs to run a household and so knows £200 just won't cut it, and who essentially wants to have a mother-son financial relationship with me where I shoulder all the responsibility along with a substantial proportion of his living costs? Just how does that make me feel about him?"

So as a minimum his contribution should cover your loss of £480.

I get the logic re not contributing to your home costs, but he should be paying a rent of sorts and half of all other costs imo.

Not doing so would make me reconsider the move fullstop and question whether his intention is to benefit from you as a stopgap given the sale of the family home etc.

Don't let him move in if that's his attitude.
You are going to be 280 quid a month worse off and that's before he starts showering, plugging in appliances and eating.
So you lose tax credits, end up having to work more to make up the shortfall and he hangs around your place getting to keep 90% of his income.

You would be much better off continuing the relationship living separately. When things have progressed enough and you trust one another you could consider moving in somewhere else together - ie. a rental property or purchasing together (but make sure the legalities are water tight if you aren't married when you do this).

But you'd be better off continuing to live in your own home with your children - you seem to be fairly financially stable by the sound of it and that is really important in the current climate.
Don't let some hobosexual/wannabe cocklodger ruin it.

Where is he currently living? Does he happen to need somewhere to live now that he's sold the house with his ex? Seems all a bit convenient.

Oh, and in case I wasn't clear, what I would do is say 'no' to him moving in. And rethink the whole relationship and wonder how I ever saw him as "very kind and generous normally". It's entirely possible that he performed 'kind and generous' to create that illusion.

Who do you charge your kid rent? 😳

You should not be losing out financially by him moving in esp since you are caring for children. Hes basically asking to steal from your children with your approval. Why would you do that?

You also say you could work more to cover your losses (again, why??) because he could look after the children. But would he? Has he done it at all yet? Check his hobbies first as some are not compatible with childrearing apparently.

I wonder how much his ex subsidised him, either financially or with chores. Does he actually know how to clean bathrooms etc, or has mum and ex always looked after him?

Personally, if you are really serious about this guy ask him to live by himself for a year. He will see how much it costs to live and also hone his housework skills, and make him more appreciative of you when you finally move in together.

Do you know why he split with his ex? Was he tight with money and trying to get a free ride there as well and she’d had enough?

Just wanted to add that I've been around the block a couple of times with live-in partners....
I own my own place and didn't want the partners contributing to the mortgage so that there would be no chance of them later trying to claim part of it. At least not until the relationships were much longer established - long term partners of 30 years are a different kettle of fish to a fairly new relationship of a couple of years.
Both men turned out to be cocklodgers. They paid half of the bills and half of the food. And that was where their contribution stopped. Oh I've paid my half so now I don't need to do anything more.
Without going into a long description of their behaviours which is irrelevant here, but they were classic cocklodgers, I noticed that they did not give a shit about anything in the house because it wasn't their house. They lived there but they didn't have ownership. All their spare money was going into savings - so yeah, basically getting rich at my expense. They didn't give a shit if they broke something. When the washing machine broke cocklodger number 1's attitude was, not my house, not my washing machine, you replace it.
Second cocklodger damaged the front door by not being careful when bringing heavy items in and out - not his front door, not his problem.

I would never have someone living in my place again. Both people need to have equal ownership of a place - and by ownership here I mean both need to have the attitude that it is their place to care for. Much better to move into a rental property together or to buy together when the relationship is established enough.

Just say no OP.

WOW! He must think you're a mug. You need to charge £500 MINIMUM!

I would charge an adult child more than £200 a month if they were earning £2,000 to £2,200 a month.

@budelle Ask him to tell you another one, coz that joke wasn't very funny.

This, exactly. I've made it clear to my DP that if we ever live together, then we will need to buy house together. I wouldn't want him moving into my house, but if he did, I would have a cohabitation agreement drawn up so that he would effectively pay rent, and not own any part in the house. Not romantic I know, but common sense given the cost of housing. I wouldn't be willing to risk losing my home if the relationship broke down.

Unless he is living at home and giving his mother £200 per month I would suspect given the price of things she has probably asked for more and rather than paying it he has come to you and expects you to take over from his mother.

Or he has seen your Ds giving you £200 per month and thinks he shouldn’t pay more.

In either of these scenarios I think it would put me off someone who puts themselves in the role of the child in parent/child relationship instead of equal partner.
It is a bit strange and a bit cringe.

I cannot that he thinks £200 per month is going to cover everything or that you will agree to it and work more hours to make up for your losses.

If he is living at home then I would suggest he gets a flat of his own to start living in the real world rather than moving in with you.

If he does live independently then he must know that £200 isn’t going to cover everything and that just stinks of him using you for however long it takes to save up for the thing he wants.
Probably a house deposit and when he has done that he will be off

So after taking into account the £120 a week you'd loose in benefits he'd only be giving you £80 a week.

Nope He doesn't move it

I'd point out to him, your income would go down as a result of lost benefits, BECAUSE him moving in increases the household income, and that living together as a couple gives you some financial benefit (cheaper to buy food for two cooking together than for two individually, cheaper to heat/power one house for two people than two houses for one person each etc)..

If he won't contribute fairly, then that assumption is incorrect but the government won't budge so.. either he does or, he doesn't move in!

He is a wanker- no doubt about it.

Please, even if you can’t raise your standards for yourself, don’t put your kids through having to live with this ‘man’. They get one childhood.

This is also what I’m wondering. Plus he’d leave you permanently deprived as you’d go onto universal credit when he left. If he cared about you, he’d want to improve your life, not pay the same as your just adult ds.

He needs to live alone for some time for you to decide what you want to do in this relationship and learn a little more about boundaries.

I think he is looking at £200 per month not per week

He needs to live alone for some time for you to decide what you want to do in this relationship and learn a little more about boundaries

Exactly, to prove he's not simply a hobosexual, moving around from one relationship to the next to ensure he doesn't actually have to get his own place and pay all the costs needed to run it as well as doing all the jobs associated with having a place.

I feel like I come across a bit militant on these threads. But I've had my life nearly wrecked by one of these types and I will never let it happen again. And if other women can be a bit more cautious because of the experiences of some random stranger on the net, then that's good.
If the OP decides to let the partner move in then that's her decision and I hope it works out for her. And after all, he might turn out NOT to be a knob, but we all need to be a bit aware of the sort of things that people do and to think about the consequences of what could happen before we take a major decision like letting someone move in.

I'd laugh and ask him if that's why he gives his mummy for rent. Bills cost more than that, he's an adult, he should know that probably covers his food bill and that's it. He's a chancer.

Everyone has said it all really but please be more savvy than this. He is taking the piss and has realised he can live well under the normal cost by sponging off you. It’s unkind and I would be thinking long and hard about how he really feels about you.
£200 is even enough rent but then he would be using utilities, food and wear and tear on the property and furnishings. Would he contribute for a new boiler, water/gas increases, higher food bills? Or would you have an argue every time and have it all on your shoulders?

You need to ensure your financial security and think long and hard and have serious conversations about now and the future.