Boarding School Difference Of Opinion

[anothername10000232]

Hi all.

So my daughter (nearly 12) has been in boarding school for nearly a year now. In the beginning the expected amount of homesickness but she got through it and and she has been having such a lovely time up until now. Sept - May. Even encouraging her younger brother to come.

She is now massively anxious and has been for nearly 3 weeks, I personally would say more downs than ups. On several occasions she has said certain things. I've noticed she is anxious too, she always has been, but I've noticed it more.

I've recently separated from the mum too, 8 months ago.

She has been great and I've got her to express how she feels, write down the pros and cons of leaving and staying (cons outweigh the pros at this stage) She has also expressed that she just misses home life, something her brother, not my son, also expressed when he was unhappy, which was quite frequent. I won't go in to massive details here.

My daughter over the last 2 weeks has :

1. Started running from people because she thinks she is going to be attacked.
2. Felt multiple groups of people are laughing at her and talking about her as she passes.

She is struggling. I've made it clear from the beginning that she can come out if she is unhappy. I am telling her it is her decision to make but I am being honest and telling her that if she does decide to stay and then changes her mind it might be a term before we can get her a school sorted. I am telling her that if she is happy to stay then she can also stay. It's her choice and a big one at 12yrs of age to make.

I am putting her down for schools now just in case.

What would you do? I am not happy having her isolated up there with no family support apart from a phone call to talk to me and my ex between 7-8.30pm, especially as she has clearly expressed how she is feeling and like her brother I feel like everything MIGHT be fine for a bit and the same problems occur over and over, but she is stuck because there isn't a plan in place and we can't change schools.

I just don't think a 12yr old should have to face these strong and horrible feelings that she is feeling, she is clearly telling us something and I won't her to be heard and make her feel like I am listening to her.

Thoughts please would be great.

Thanks

Brother, I forgot to mention went to the same school. I may as well mention it. Personally, he did not like it, but I felt he was pushed by his dad and my ex to keep going, it will be fine. He got into lots of trouble all the time and I had to go up because he was placed on suicide watch at one point as he had mentioned something to a friend and the got concerned and reported it..

Where does the difference of opinion come into it?

She’s unhappy, she’s had upheaval at home, boarding school does not work for many children. If she wants to leave why would you not pull her out asap?

Just bring her home OP.
It will be a relief for everyone concerned.

What does your ex think about it? Why did you choose boarding? Personally I’d take her out for a week or two and try and work through what is going on. Maybe take her to the GP. Are school aware, what have they done?

I am being told by her mum that giving her the option to leave is a bad idea. The teachers are trying to convince us it's just a wobble. I don't care what either say, I am just trying to listen to my daughter and also see how anxious she currently is. Yes, it might pass, but this is 100x times horrible for her and not something I want her to go through now or again in the future. I just don't think it is good for her mental health to say 'Don't worry, it will get better.'

She has expressed, granted at this time feeling anxious, that she misses home life, she misses the fact that she isn't here and see's me/mum even less too.

I think you tell her that if she wants to leave, she can leave. I'm quite surprised that you would keep her in a boarding school at which her brother became suicidal? Really? Just get her out of there. Homeschool for a bit and hopefully you'll have another school sorted for next term.

Did her mother go to boarding school?

Sometimes pushing through is the best thing to do, but in this situation you really are going to be waiting for her to normalise abandonment.

Not an exact analogy by any means - a day school and a younger child - but when I felt my DD was unhappy, I asked her if she wanted to move schools. And she repeatedly said that she didn’t know. In the end, it became obvious she was unhappy and I asked if she’d be happy for me to decide. She said she would - and I moved her. And she was so, so happy to move. She bounced out of that new school for the first term like she’d come out of a party. And I realised that it was too big a decision to ask her to make on her own.

Your DD is 12, so you’ve rightly had more of a conversation. But if you really think she’s unhappy and it’s not right, then I’d move her unless I got a lot of resistance from her. She may be relieved to have the decision taken from her.

Last msg from ex

She is not attempting to make it work because she has an ‘out’. She is 11, she cannot make decisions like this when she is upset. She wants to see us more (understandably) and gets upset every time she talks about leave weekend being split between us. This is what the issue is - not the school. I’m listening to the experts here who have been through this literally hundreds of times. You’ve gone about this completely the wrong way and made it a whole lot worse. And that’s the truth.

Experts are probably one person and the house mistress at the school.

Boarding school isn't natural and it sounds like that's starting to show

The “experts” are clearly people at the school - who want to keep fees coming in.

Has she been unwell recently/past few months?

If the anxiety is extreme and sudden onset I would also check out PANDAS.

She is clearly unhappy 🙁 though

I would take her out tomorrow, she misses home and you're worried so what's the reason for keeping her there? She's a child, at 12 one term off school is not going to affect her future.

There is that! But even on a less cynical interpretation- the “experts” are people who work in that sector and therefore support that approach. It’s an inherently biased sample, if you like.

I’d pull her out.

I think you're right and it's a big decision for her, but I want her to make it but sometimes as a parent you have to decide. Not there yet, but I'm close.

Ex did not go to boarding school but went to grammar.

My daughter told me that she is feeling the rigorous routine of it all hard. She mentioned she didn't even get the last bank holiday off and she has school on Sat, and then has to get into uniform on Sunday for chapel.

My ex's response is that she understand the the rigorous change in work having gone to grammar school. My response, which didn't go down well is that she has no idea. Primary to Grammar is nothing like Primary to boarding and being isolated away from family + the separation.

I agree. I have told my ex I am not listening to her on the House mistress, who I have disliked from the first day and found out my daughter does too.

This caring women did not even ask if my daughter was okay when she got covid after I called to let her know.

I guess the reason for keeping her there is that her mum doesn’t agree that she should leave and it would have to be a joint decision.

She's only year 7, being out of school for half a term won't do her any harm academically. Pull her out, find her a nice day school nearby. Being at boarding school and also having to split your home time between two homes is really difficult.

(Fwiw I'm not anti boarding school, plenty of kids love it. But if they're not loving it, then it's better for everyone to bring them home)

She is under my care but I don't want her to get behind on schooling. I can't home school during normal hours at least.

Not unwell but everything that is going on at the moment must be hard, pluse she is probably approaching the time her period starts.

A girl has been absolutely hideous to her lately. My daughter has a great style, not just saying that, but some comments from this girl have been vile and looking back this girl has also been vile, my daughter did stand up to her months ago, but now she is delicate everything is taken to heart.

If she was genuinely having a lovely time from sept-may (and not just pretending!) it does seem a bit odd to have sudden anxiety for the past 3 weeks. Has something happened? Are there friendship issues/ bullying? Would she speak to someone neutral (therapist or other family member)? Is there a reason why she isn’t at a school nearby?

This!

Listen to your daughter and bring her home. What else does she have to say to tell you she is clearly unhappy?