Boarding School Difference Of Opinion

[anothername10000232]

Hi all.

So my daughter (nearly 12) has been in boarding school for nearly a year now. In the beginning the expected amount of homesickness but she got through it and and she has been having such a lovely time up until now. Sept - May. Even encouraging her younger brother to come.

She is now massively anxious and has been for nearly 3 weeks, I personally would say more downs than ups. On several occasions she has said certain things. I've noticed she is anxious too, she always has been, but I've noticed it more.

I've recently separated from the mum too, 8 months ago.

She has been great and I've got her to express how she feels, write down the pros and cons of leaving and staying (cons outweigh the pros at this stage) She has also expressed that she just misses home life, something her brother, not my son, also expressed when he was unhappy, which was quite frequent. I won't go in to massive details here.

My daughter over the last 2 weeks has :

1. Started running from people because she thinks she is going to be attacked.
2. Felt multiple groups of people are laughing at her and talking about her as she passes.

She is struggling. I've made it clear from the beginning that she can come out if she is unhappy. I am telling her it is her decision to make but I am being honest and telling her that if she does decide to stay and then changes her mind it might be a term before we can get her a school sorted. I am telling her that if she is happy to stay then she can also stay. It's her choice and a big one at 12yrs of age to make.

I am putting her down for schools now just in case.

What would you do? I am not happy having her isolated up there with no family support apart from a phone call to talk to me and my ex between 7-8.30pm, especially as she has clearly expressed how she is feeling and like her brother I feel like everything MIGHT be fine for a bit and the same problems occur over and over, but she is stuck because there isn't a plan in place and we can't change schools.

I just don't think a 12yr old should have to face these strong and horrible feelings that she is feeling, she is clearly telling us something and I won't her to be heard and make her feel like I am listening to her.

Thoughts please would be great.

Thanks

Of course she wants to spend more times with her parents. Take her out. Mental health is more important. But then for most people I don't understand how they'd send their kids away in the first place

@Railworker nano offence taken and thanks for sharing your experience. This is how I feel. I feel she will be much happier with family support around her, but not making any rash decisions yet, she is home today and will talk long with her tomorrow.

I boarded and was unhappy for big chunks of it (85% of my time). The school’s “leadership” didn’t do anything to stem the rampant bullying that went on and I’d have been happy to leave at any point.

Circumstances meant that my DP felt they couldn’t make other arrangements. If I’m honest, although as an adult I can follow their reasoning, it doesn’t stop me (still) feeling a degree of anger about it. I was much happier when I was finally able to go to a different, non-boarding, school.

You’re not training your DD for the Marines - she doesn’t have to suffer through adversity in order to toughen her up (or whatever other BS the house mistress might throw out there).

As an ex-boarder who was sent away at 10 I really urge you to listen to what she is saying and I have some further reading that might allow you to gain some perspective on the harms it can do children who are not ready to have their primary bonds broken at that age.
I've had expensive therapy for my trauma - my parents didn't listen to me when the bullying set in and it was continuous, at school there's no where to hide and no refuge at the end of the day. It's not a way to toughen people up and make them independent - it's a way for children to learn dysfunctional coping mechanisms and to stop empathising with others. My parent's hadn't boarded so they had no idea of the harms and I had to forgive them, you have a chance here to investigate and educate yourself and then decide if you are willing to leave her there.

Boarding School Syndrome: The psychological trauma of the 'privileged' child Paperback – Joy Schaverien
The Making of Them: The British Attitude to Children and the Boarding School System Paperback – by Nick Duffell
Trauma, Abandonment and Privilege: A guide to therapeutic work with boarding school survivors Paperback – 19 April 2016
by Nick Duffell (Author), Thurstine Basset (Author)

I can see that you love her dearly and are trying to do the best by her ^^ My previous post reads really coldly, sorry it's an attempt to be dispassionate - but clearly, not.

No problem.

@jlpartnerrs no problem

There are few topics on MN more triggering than boarding school.

What tends to get lost is that boarding is not bad per se and day schools (and home environments) are not all sunbeams and unicorns.

I was relieved to get away from the constant fights and arguments at home and go to boarding school.

I was also super relieved to escape from my ultra toxic day school where bullying and self harm were rife.

I definitely had wobbles. But overall was far better off.

I get it. For me, it works for some and not for others. If you don't feel like you've been pushed out, if you don't miss home life, and if everything goes smoothly, no problem. I just think this kind of trauma, even if it passes for now is not what I want for my daughter at this age, and how often will it occur over the years. What problems will arise from all this if she decides to stay, then wants to leave e.t.c

Please bring her home as soon as possible. The school sounds archaic and dreadful, especially the 'advice' not to visit her when she clearly needs your support. Your daughter is telling you that she is has high anxiety and is desperately unhappy so please listen to her.

I think that boarding school might have been a stable influence for your DD in the face of marital break-up - it has that function for many children. However your DD has not been there long enough for it to feel like a place of stability in these choppy family waters; and she is directly expressing her unhappiness. So it would be best to bring her home, where she can have the love she needs and get a grip on her changed family circumstances.

Poor girl. She’s had her whole life turned upside down. Parents splitting and then boarding school all in 2 months. Plus her age and hormones kicking in.
I do think you need some professional help - mediation perhaps between you and wife. It seems very harsh she’ll fund full boarding or nothing - i’m guessing perhaps trust fund or grandparents paying.
If you bring her home tomorrow how does life look. Can you be off work to be with her and get her settled in state school, be there after school etc - you say you can’t be there to homeschool.
It’s the holidays soon why not collect her a week early now have holidays together rather than a dramatic pulling her out. Hopefully things will be a bit clearer.
Longer term it’s potentially going to bite if she’s unhappy at state comprehensive and later resents missed opportunities particularly if brothers have private school education.

If your ex pays the fees, can you just take her out? Have you been to court to decide who has primary care?

There is a bursary in place, which I have just done as she is down as living with me.

Can't coo ent on what she can afford, I know her salary may drop or doesn't want to fund anymore, that's fine, I can't contribute so can't conmplain at that. I am home at 4.30 most days and my mum who they live and is brilliant will help out during holidays.

@Dixiechickonhols She has a leave weekend and then back for another 2 weeks. I just know or feel going back for her isn't going to be easy. I've explained and been honest that she will have to finish this year but if this continues who knows. She can't have months of this.

For various reasons payment is made via my mums bank account.

When you send a child to private school, both parents have to sign up something saying they are both responsible for paying the fees. How does it work with withdrawing a child? Presumably next term’s fees are due whether she is there or not?

is any of that an issue for you?

So 2 weeks until half term. Can you all agree to take her out now for early holidays. In grand scheme of things 2 weeks off in yr 7 is nothing. It would take pressure off. I suspect more would come out about what’s going on - mine often opens up in car or at bedtime.
Transitioning her into a state comp (you’ll have to take wherever has a place) is not going to be easy if she’s been privately educated until now. Does she have friends near you? If she’s been ok until a few weeks ago I think you need to get to bottom of what is going on.

I run a youth activity and a girl there goes to well known private boarding school as a day pupil and she is viewed with curiosity by other girls. I think she would struggle massively friendship wise if she was enrolled in local comp - she sticks out, her lingo is wrong. She moans about Saturday school sometimes but I say but you got a month off at Easter etc. She’s 11 and only sees what she knows.
Is there an option to try again yr 9? Lots only try boarding from that age and full brother would be there then.
Not pro boarding at all (my dc at state) but I can’t see it being smooth sailing to just pull her out. Eg Say in 2 years she’s at local comp - no friends. Brother at boarding school. Her old friends posting on Instagram doing options she doesn’t have, fancy school trips etc. You are working she’s at home wishing she was back there - her recollection she was happy and is resentful you pulled her out rather than dealing with it when she was upset because x was bullying her/exam stress/ whatever caused change recently. Fast forward 10 years she’s resentful brothers got an expensive education and you held her back because she was a girl.

Her brother wants to stay at home, he already knows he'd miss home. I've made it clear that I can't afford all this to ex so state school for him, unless she wants to pay. There's one thing paying for private and another keeping it going for years and all the fancy trips you mention.

A bit off a tricky place.

If brother isn’t going to board under any circumstances and he’s not far off secondary age you’ll need to agree plan with wife (via mediation/court order potentially if you disagree)
You don’t seem very sure of how life will look/lack of communication with ex wife and that’s very unsettling for children.
Has anything happened last month divorce wise that might have triggered daughter’s sudden u turn from being ok at school - lots in press/radio as no fault divorce came in.

I've been that girl too. I was ten when I was sent and the first few months were okay, but then the homesickness really kicked in, and then the bullying. And there was no one to turn to, no one asking if I was okay and absolutely no hugs for weeks on end. It was miserable.

I went to boarding school. I was bullied and ended up self harming and wanting to kill myself. It destroyed me. I would never ever put my child in a boarding school. If she is unhappy take her out. She is a child asking you, an adult, to help her, please listen

Please listen to your poor child and also look up 'boarding school syndrome'. She sounds very sad and in need of nurturing, not separation.

Sorry, that sounded rude and I didn't mean it to. I feel sorry for you OP and your daughter. I really hope you can convince your ex to pull her out of this environment.