Boarding School Difference Of Opinion

[anothername10000232]

Hi all.

So my daughter (nearly 12) has been in boarding school for nearly a year now. In the beginning the expected amount of homesickness but she got through it and and she has been having such a lovely time up until now. Sept - May. Even encouraging her younger brother to come.

She is now massively anxious and has been for nearly 3 weeks, I personally would say more downs than ups. On several occasions she has said certain things. I've noticed she is anxious too, she always has been, but I've noticed it more.

I've recently separated from the mum too, 8 months ago.

She has been great and I've got her to express how she feels, write down the pros and cons of leaving and staying (cons outweigh the pros at this stage) She has also expressed that she just misses home life, something her brother, not my son, also expressed when he was unhappy, which was quite frequent. I won't go in to massive details here.

My daughter over the last 2 weeks has :

1. Started running from people because she thinks she is going to be attacked.
2. Felt multiple groups of people are laughing at her and talking about her as she passes.

She is struggling. I've made it clear from the beginning that she can come out if she is unhappy. I am telling her it is her decision to make but I am being honest and telling her that if she does decide to stay and then changes her mind it might be a term before we can get her a school sorted. I am telling her that if she is happy to stay then she can also stay. It's her choice and a big one at 12yrs of age to make.

I am putting her down for schools now just in case.

What would you do? I am not happy having her isolated up there with no family support apart from a phone call to talk to me and my ex between 7-8.30pm, especially as she has clearly expressed how she is feeling and like her brother I feel like everything MIGHT be fine for a bit and the same problems occur over and over, but she is stuck because there isn't a plan in place and we can't change schools.

I just don't think a 12yr old should have to face these strong and horrible feelings that she is feeling, she is clearly telling us something and I won't her to be heard and make her feel like I am listening to her.

Thoughts please would be great.

Thanks

I have care, she is down with living with me, it's not up to her whether she pays fees, it's what my daughter wants, I could care less. I will drive up there and take her out.

Yes. It could be an overreaction but she was DISTRAUGHT and has been up and down massively for nearly 3 weeks. She has a leave weekend this weekend and summer coming soon. I just know she's not going to want to go back especially after 8 weeks at home.

The school sounds terrible. Your daughter has been distraught and is begging to leave. Her brother became suicidal there.

What the fuck are you doing leaving her there?

I went to boarding school and I know what it's like to be that 12 year old begging to come home. I wish my parents had listened.

Ting

Distressed children need a lot of adult support. In all honesty, what is the adult to child ratio in the boarding house in the evenings, maybe 1:30. I don't see how that can adequately support any child who needs a bit more adult time.

The relentlessness of 24/7 boarding can only work if the child is happy with good peer relationships. It sounds like being stuck in a nightmare.

Bless her, it sounds like her parents split and she got sent away to boarding school at the same time. No wonder she is buckling under it all. She is still so little. Why the rush to send her away? There are lots of amazing independent schools that will likely be in driving distance.

if you can afford dc boarding, you can afford necessary adjustments to life to allow them to attend a good school without boarding. I was a day student at a boarding school. We moved so that was possible and my mum commuted 3 hours round trip per day to work. But she felt like it was a good school for me and it made more sense for her to work longer hours commuting than to lose the normal family life we had.

Surely, between two of you, you could easily sort out a schedule so she could fully benefit from an independent school without boarding. My mum was a single parent with no support and she worked her ass off to make it work.

As a parent I would consider my child’s MH to be the priority.! The local academy would be my preference over boarding school…hands down!

i don't understand why her mother sounds so cold and uncaring.
why does she want her to stay there ?
why did she send her there, esp after older son's experience.
is it a way of limiting your time with her, OP, kind of dog in the manger, if you are the main parental carer.

My DH wanted to come home from boarding school at 12.
His parents didn't listen.
His life long mental health would have been so much better if they did.

I'm sorry your DD is having these struggles - mine only went at 6th form and it's a rollercoaster of up's and downs. We've had the you can leave whenever you want discussion many times but it would mean restarting A levels so she took the decision to power on through which obviously makes it very different from being so young with years ahead of her.

Did DD go to boarding school from 2 parents at home and then you split up or was last summer spent 50/50 between you and ex? Her whole world has been turned upside down and I would be slightly concerned if she hasn't yet experienced the 50/50 full time that that will also cause her many issues she is having now. It's far from an ideal situation- did you wait for her to go to split? If she was given a choice in the first place to go did she make that decision on the basis that nothing else in her world would change - she would come home each holiday to life as it was when the reality is very different? I think this is way bigger than just about being away at boarding school and seeing a councillor to work through everything that's happened including parents splitting up needs to happen before any decisions are made. You an ex being on completely different pages with schooling really won't be helping at all.

Bring her home. Don’t put it on her to decide. This is an adult decision, fed by strong info that’s it’s not working for her and she is very unhappy. What more do you need???

OP I went away to school when I was 17. I really really wanted and begged to go. I hated every minute of it. I guess I knew that if I had said: I want to leave, then my parents would have said yes. But I was too young to have the resilience to be able to admit that and take that decision.

I can remember the relief when my dad said at Christmas 'I think it's better you don't go back'. Thank goodness he had the clarity of mind and confidence to take a decision that at 17 was beyond me.

Your daughter has told you in the clearest language that she isn't happy. The rest is up to you. She needs you to be the parent now.

@Takeitslow123 I'm not sure we need to agree. If something worse was happening at school or to your child and your child was saying they didn't want to be there would you, knowing you could do something, do nothing. It's my daughters choice, not ours. Granted a very tricky choice for her but if she was 1000% sure I think you'd listen to. This isn't her falling out with friends at school, this is more serious, especially if you could here your child depressed, anxious, worried on every other day that she calls.

It’s NOT up to your daughter, she’s too young and making the decision will be giving her extra stress. It’s up to you and her mum to decide between you, once you’ve discovered exactly what is making her unhappy. To discover this you will need to work WITH the school and your ex, and she needs to see the counsellor now - insist on this regardless of ‘waiting list’. Make a joint appointment with your ex and go to the school to speak to the house mistress.

Fair enough. I'll find out more over the weekend, but what she has expressed is the rigours of school life, not having a break, not having a phone, which shared has managed without for over a year, missing her brother, missing her home life, which I remember her half brother saying, he felt happy families were going on and he didn't feel a part of it when home and not seeing either of us much now that custody is shared. To me it just sounds like she wants to be close to family. After she goes back for the final term things might change but in all honesty I don't want her to be there especially like this and I don't want this to be a recurring thing. That will just have a negative impact on her for the future. It is very tricky and a massive decision to get right. The school and ex are going to basically try to get her to stay and ignore what she is saying and attribute it to a wobble, which it might be.

When she very homesick a week ago, the schools advice was to stay away because it would make things worse and she was convinced it would be worse so I didn't go see her. Maybe it was the best thing, but that is extremely hard to do when you know she is in need.

I’ve been in your situation OP and it is so difficult to make a decision that is ‘right’ with everyone trying to convince you it’s a ‘blip’ and that getting through it will strengthen your daughters resilience in the long run. I AM SO GLAD I TOOK HER OUT! Although it wasn’t plain sailing settling into another (day) school, she got there and from the start, having the security of being at home at the end of every day with parents and siblings was so valuable - especially at that young age. I now can’t believe I ever thought it was a good idea for her to be away from 11 (though she was v keen and enthusiastic and the boarding school had lots to offer - none of it trumps a normal, secure home life). Please listen to your instincts on this one. I now have a settled, happy and thriving teenager who is able to carve out her life with the security of knowing I listened to her and at the end of the day we are there for her literally rather than distantly.

Btw - the schools advice not to visit would be a big red flag for me. Why does a 12 year old need to be left to get through it on her own? Who does this benefit (the staff ultimately)? Not your daughter - she just learns to suppress her feelings…

Am not anti-boarding btw - I think it can work for the right child in the right circumstance. However, if it’s not working it’s terrible and I would act sooner rather than later - it’s pretty easy to change this.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood (or didn’t read it properly). You sound like a really lovely parent and very much on your child’s side. She’s lucky in that respect. It’s a horrible situation and I hope you manage to get her home and settled and happy

So can I just check I understand ?

You sent your 10 year old child to FT boarding school a year ago.

Four months later you split up with your wife. Did you sell the family home or does your wife still live there ?

Your Dd hated it at the beginning and now hates it again. She is seriously unhappy. Yet you have told her that if she leaves it will take a term to sort out another school - which is clearly a threat designed to keep her there.

You and your wife couldn’t make your marriage work so you took the “ out “ or separating. Yet your child is not allowed the out of changing her mind about school because she chose to go in the first place.

You think that because she asked for her younger brother to go there, it means that she loves school. Rather than that she misses him desperately .

Have I got this right? If so you need to bring your child home now. It all sounds appalling .

Is the truth that neither you nor your wife actually want to have your DD live with you?

@Railworker Again, thought it would be for the best, so listened and daughter said it might make her more homesick....I was late bringing her back one weekend because of car trouble, the next time house mistress tried to tell me to stay local, I don't like this woman.

OP, if you are in the U.K. is there a weekly boarding option?

This was not meant to be a guilt trip at all - I completely get your turmoil here OP.
When I had to make a similar change it was agony and seemed like such an important decision that needed much weighing up given the undoubted opportunities the boarding school advertised. You/she didn’t go into this lightly. But I feel you need to be strong and accept it hasn’t worked and there are plenty of good options out there that will save your daughters mental health and (eventually) return her to the person you know she is. I too wrestled with worrying whether I was taking away a fabulous opportunity for her. I now am incredulous it took me so long as in hindsight, it was a no-brainer!
She cannot advocate for herself - you need to do it. In our situation (and apologies for drawing so heavily on what we did - clearly my advice is coloured by our experience), my husband felt she should stick it out and that me giving her an ‘out’ meant she wouldn’t ‘try’. He now admits he was wrong and it was absolutely the right course of action moving her. We are all so much happier (despite her now being an occasional stroppy teen - again completely normal!). I would do it again in a heartbeat and in fact wish I had moved her sooner.
My advice would be to get on the phone to day schools near you today and bring her home. This situation is clearly stressing you both.

@GenderAtheist No. unfortunately we split 2 months before she left, so lots of upheaval really. So far so good, just now it's all gone Pete tong.