Boarding School Difference Of Opinion

[anothername10000232]

Hi all.

So my daughter (nearly 12) has been in boarding school for nearly a year now. In the beginning the expected amount of homesickness but she got through it and and she has been having such a lovely time up until now. Sept - May. Even encouraging her younger brother to come.

She is now massively anxious and has been for nearly 3 weeks, I personally would say more downs than ups. On several occasions she has said certain things. I've noticed she is anxious too, she always has been, but I've noticed it more.

I've recently separated from the mum too, 8 months ago.

She has been great and I've got her to express how she feels, write down the pros and cons of leaving and staying (cons outweigh the pros at this stage) She has also expressed that she just misses home life, something her brother, not my son, also expressed when he was unhappy, which was quite frequent. I won't go in to massive details here.

My daughter over the last 2 weeks has :

1. Started running from people because she thinks she is going to be attacked.
2. Felt multiple groups of people are laughing at her and talking about her as she passes.

She is struggling. I've made it clear from the beginning that she can come out if she is unhappy. I am telling her it is her decision to make but I am being honest and telling her that if she does decide to stay and then changes her mind it might be a term before we can get her a school sorted. I am telling her that if she is happy to stay then she can also stay. It's her choice and a big one at 12yrs of age to make.

I am putting her down for schools now just in case.

What would you do? I am not happy having her isolated up there with no family support apart from a phone call to talk to me and my ex between 7-8.30pm, especially as she has clearly expressed how she is feeling and like her brother I feel like everything MIGHT be fine for a bit and the same problems occur over and over, but she is stuck because there isn't a plan in place and we can't change schools.

I just don't think a 12yr old should have to face these strong and horrible feelings that she is feeling, she is clearly telling us something and I won't her to be heard and make her feel like I am listening to her.

Thoughts please would be great.

Thanks

'boarding school syndrome'**

Yes, do look that up. There's also a book of accounts from women of being sent to boarding school, 'Finding Our Way Home' by Nikki Simpson. It's quite an eye opener and the experiences were very recognisable. .

I hate to break it to you but this kind of “trauma” (if we are speculating bullying, maybe anxiety/depression, maybe hormonal angst, from what you have said) is not confined to boarding schools. Chances are if she is really miserable now, it won’t magically stop when she goes to a new school - and it may even get worse. A lot of 12/13 year old girls all over the country in every kind of school and home set up imaginable are really miserable - and not always for the reason/s a parent might guess.

Your main issue is not whether she stays at her current school or not, it is to get to the truth of what she is feeling. What is the real issue here, because only then can you and your ex come up with the right plan to solve it.

@Ziegfeld
Thank you

I have no experience of the private sector/boarding (mine goes to state) but if my daughter said to me how unhappy she was, about bullying, and the school not supporting her, I'd get her home asap.

There are plenty of other types of schools, day, weekly boarding, plus all the state options. Take her out, do your research, visit loads of schools, and decide with your DD what is best. Her mental health is paramount. If she's on high alert all the time, she won't do as well as she's capable. If she's happy and settled, she'll do far better in the long run.

What is wrong with you people? Her brother was suicidal there! Bring the child home and parent her yourself. How in God's name has nobody called social services on you? The more I read these threads the more horrified I become at what parents are allowed get away with. Just go and get the child, all you have to do is mind and love them for godsake

Sending young children away from home to be raised by strangers is NOT normal. Of course she’s struggling. Bring her home.
Theres a certain class of English people who seem to thing getting rid of your children and packing them off to institutions is good for them in some way. Bizarre.

@Ahgoonyegirlye, I agree. I was sent away to school at the age of 10, 50 years ago, and I still feel resentful.

@anothername10000232 based on what you have said here, I would pull her out. And I say that as a parent of a 14 year old in boarding school.

a) it suits some children and not others. If your child is super sporty, in all the top sports teams and wants to hang out with friends as much as possible, it may be for them. Our DD absolutely loves school.

b) there are times when even a normally happy child needs to be home. We had a bereavement in the family and I took my DD home for a couple of weeks because she needed me. Then she was happy to go back.

in a boarding school you can never get away from other children. And there is a lot of gossip I have been told. If you are very confident, run between top team training sessions, love to study (and hang out with) friends and don’t care if some people dislike you (there will always be one), it can be the best place in the world.

if you have issues with yourself or at home, pastoral care at a school can never replace the care of family. And you are never able to escape people who doesn’t like you or who makes you feel insecure.

it is not for everyone. And for many people it is not right at certain times.

I would pull her out. I went to a private school as a day pupil and that sort of 'tough it out' attitude was rife. Dig slightly underneath that slogan and there were a lot of unhappy teenagers with nowhere to take their big feelings. Although her issues may not be only about school, to know that you have listened to her anxieties and taken action based on her feelings could be very empowering for her. Also if you pull her out surely there would be the option to return if things don't go well elsewhere.

I really enjoyed my time at boarding school. But it sounds like your daughter is struggling now (even if before she was fine). Personally I would take her out due to her being unhappy (and it not being a fleeting thing). If she wants to do boarding 6th form then that could be an option.

Sorry not RTFT but I moved my daughter from single sex private to mixed grammar in year 8 and she is THRIVING. And it's a really socio-economically diverse grammar too.