Boarding School Difference Of Opinion

[anothername10000232]

Hi all.

So my daughter (nearly 12) has been in boarding school for nearly a year now. In the beginning the expected amount of homesickness but she got through it and and she has been having such a lovely time up until now. Sept - May. Even encouraging her younger brother to come.

She is now massively anxious and has been for nearly 3 weeks, I personally would say more downs than ups. On several occasions she has said certain things. I've noticed she is anxious too, she always has been, but I've noticed it more.

I've recently separated from the mum too, 8 months ago.

She has been great and I've got her to express how she feels, write down the pros and cons of leaving and staying (cons outweigh the pros at this stage) She has also expressed that she just misses home life, something her brother, not my son, also expressed when he was unhappy, which was quite frequent. I won't go in to massive details here.

My daughter over the last 2 weeks has :

1. Started running from people because she thinks she is going to be attacked.
2. Felt multiple groups of people are laughing at her and talking about her as she passes.

She is struggling. I've made it clear from the beginning that she can come out if she is unhappy. I am telling her it is her decision to make but I am being honest and telling her that if she does decide to stay and then changes her mind it might be a term before we can get her a school sorted. I am telling her that if she is happy to stay then she can also stay. It's her choice and a big one at 12yrs of age to make.

I am putting her down for schools now just in case.

What would you do? I am not happy having her isolated up there with no family support apart from a phone call to talk to me and my ex between 7-8.30pm, especially as she has clearly expressed how she is feeling and like her brother I feel like everything MIGHT be fine for a bit and the same problems occur over and over, but she is stuck because there isn't a plan in place and we can't change schools.

I just don't think a 12yr old should have to face these strong and horrible feelings that she is feeling, she is clearly telling us something and I won't her to be heard and make her feel like I am listening to her.

Thoughts please would be great.

Thanks

Have pm'd you.

A girl has been absolutely hideous to her lately

I’d bet it’s this. What have school done about it?

what WimpoleHat said.
i went to boarding school at 11.
i thought it would be interesting; i'd been reading jennings books.
it wasn't like that. at all.
that's all i'll say as this isn't about me.
why would you even consider a school at which her brother had felt suicidal.
and her own suffering sounds to be much more than a wobble.
get her out. now. any school, or none, is better than letting this continue.

I would say take her out. Ideally it would be a joint decision of course. Why is your ex so keen to have her in boarding (happy or not)? I ask because we often view what our kids should do through the lens of what happened to us (I was happy there, I want my kids to have better options than me etc), but our kids are also their own people with their own kids experiences. I'm surprised you'd let a child go to a school at which her brother felt suicidal.

It is really positive that your DD is able to tell you how she feels (my PIL still don't know that my DH was desperately unhappy at boarding school, as he felt he had to keep it to himself). Please do act on it. It sounds as if her mental health is really suffering and it isn't appropriate to expect her to push through. Does she have friends there to support her?

Does your DD know who she wants to live with and what type of school she does want to go to? It might be helpful for her to articulate a more positive vision to you as well as just pros and cons of her current school.

I've thought it was a good opportunity too, but in all honesty I just went with what the mum said but now, I miss her and I am regretting it but am face with a school that might be crap, but I know with our support and guidance she will be okay. She is a clever and driven girl.

I have noticed in the last 8 months that she is very anxious though, always has been a little bit but it has massively increased.

^^
This.

She called me yesterday, then her mum and then called me back (she never does that ever), because from what I could gather, and I might be jumping to conclusions my daughter said that Mama said :

'If you come out you won't be able to go to private school and it might not be a good school.'

She was very anxious about schools, she has asked me to send her a list of schools today to see the choices she has, now she is anxious about that.

If she is clever and driven she will do fine academically anywhere. And she has a long way to go at 11/12. Speaking as one who struggled at school with bullying (not at boarding, unlike my DH who was also bullied), the effects do stay with you a long time in terms of confidence etc. Mental health is precious, more so than results.

Has she been to see the counsellor? Can she come home more often? I work in a boarding school and it is unusual for a girl who had been happy to suddenly hate school. I suspect friendship issues, they have all started to find their feet now, some start to get a bit bolshy. Also, are first year exams coming up? It does get much more stressy in a boarding house during this term.

(Btw my DH loved boarding for 2 terms and then hated it as the novelty wore off and bullying kicked in).

Is it actually true that you can't send your DD to a decent school if not for boarding? If not, it is disgraceful that your ex is telling your DD this as a threat to make an unhappy child stay.

She is on a waiting list (6 weeks)

I know it's a good thing to see a counsellor but I'm sorry, she was a happy go lucky girl and the thought that a 12 year old who was happy and probably would be happier at home has to see a counsellor to get through this is just whacko to me.

I just thinks she needs her family around her. My son was also very upset after the last holiday (3 weeks) because he misses her, she misses him and they are sooooo close.

I know. She has been in private for her whole life. I'm in touch with the council and putting things in action but state school, even though I went to it is new to me, I know there are good schools, I just hope I can navigate this minefield.

Thanks everyone.

I am reading it all very closely.

Why can’t she go to a different private school?

As in, a non boarding private school.

bring her home.
she will always remember that you put her welfare first at this critical time, and bless you for it.
nothing else matters.
all the other practical details can be worked out later.

A long long story, but I can't afford it anymore. I could contribute but it would basically mean having no money and not being able to do anything for myself or with them because I've got 0 money left.

But you can afford to keep paying for boarding school?
Not being arsey, just trying to figure out the situation.

I might be biased here but I have been that 12 year old girl utterly miserable in a boarding school two hours from my home. I did really well academically for the first few months and really tried to fit in but the homesickness never eased and I was lucky enough that my parents, who had made huge sacrifices to send me there as they thought it was the right thing for me, let me leave and go to the local secondary school instead. Please listen to your daughter.

Don't worry about the counsellor, it really is just someone non judgemental who can help her process her feelings, and who she can talk honestly to. 6 weeks is a long wait though, is this through the school because that doesn't sound good. (As in they should have more counsellors if that is the waiting list)

I don't pay at the moment. As I say, long story, her mum pays for it now. I could shock you if I told you the truth but lets just say her mum pays for it now. She has not mentioned paying for another local private school and I'm not going to ask her either as that's her decision. If she can afford it, then she can, if she can't afford it then she can't. Nothing to do with me. I've made it clear 8 months ago that I can't.

I know...Thanks..

Ok, makes sense.
There are plenty of good state schools.

Take your child home. Simple as that. Unless you have to why would you do this to her. She’s telling you she’s not happy and she’s being bullied.

I hope you are picking her up tomorrow 🤞🤞🤞🤞even just for her to have a w/e break (minimum) or longer to assess the situation. She needs you / brother.

I really wouldn't worry about putting her in a state school if it isn't a massively failing one. The facilities will be worse undoubtedly, but it isn't the be all and end all and she will have a refuge with you after school - it sounds as if she feels like she doesn't have anywhere "safe" to retreat to at school at the moment. And you and her brother can provide that even if changing school to the state school isn't perfect. She will be happy that you put her welfare first.

(Is the boarding school one where you pay according to means in the South East btw, or is it a bursary situation?)