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Original poster

Boarding School Difference Of Opinion

136 replies

anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 20:47

Hi all.

So my daughter (nearly 12) has been in boarding school for nearly a year now. In the beginning the expected amount of homesickness but she got through it and and she has been having such a lovely time up until now. Sept - May. Even encouraging her younger brother to come.

She is now massively anxious and has been for nearly 3 weeks, I personally would say more downs than ups. On several occasions she has said certain things. I've noticed she is anxious too, she always has been, but I've noticed it more.

I've recently separated from the mum too, 8 months ago.

She has been great and I've got her to express how she feels, write down the pros and cons of leaving and staying (cons outweigh the pros at this stage) She has also expressed that she just misses home life, something her brother, not my son, also expressed when he was unhappy, which was quite frequent. I won't go in to massive details here.

My daughter over the last 2 weeks has :

  1. Started running from people because she thinks she is going to be attacked.
  2. Felt multiple groups of people are laughing at her and talking about her as she passes.
She is struggling. I've made it clear from the beginning that she can come out if she is unhappy. I am telling her it is her decision to make but I am being honest and telling her that if she does decide to stay and then changes her mind it might be a term before we can get her a school sorted. I am telling her that if she is happy to stay then she can also stay. It's her choice and a big one at 12yrs of age to make.

I am putting her down for schools now just in case.

What would you do? I am not happy having her isolated up there with no family support apart from a phone call to talk to me and my ex between 7-8.30pm, especially as she has clearly expressed how she is feeling and like her brother I feel like everything MIGHT be fine for a bit and the same problems occur over and over, but she is stuck because there isn't a plan in place and we can't change schools.

I just don't think a 12yr old should have to face these strong and horrible feelings that she is feeling, she is clearly telling us something and I won't her to be heard and make her feel like I am listening to her.

Thoughts please would be great.

Thanks

OP posts:
SorryPardonWhat · 12/05/2022 21:41

Is there any chance of her boarding for just three nights a week while she decides if/when she wants to stay there? How far away is she?

To suddenly start full boarding at year seven would be such a shock to the system. She could go to a local state school (where a happy driven child will do perfectly well) and then return to the boarding school if she wishes at year nine.

Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 21:54

Ilovechoc12 · 12/05/2022 21:39

I hope you are picking her up tomorrow 🤞🤞🤞🤞even just for her to have a w/e break (minimum) or longer to assess the situation. She needs you / brother.

Yeah. Tomorrow she is coming home, Sat early evening she is coming here and we are going to talk. She doesn't want to share everything she has written down but she can express certain things and talk to me as much as she wants to about how she is feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 21:57

Day pupil is not an option, too far away and other reasons.

I won't go into detail about the schools so sorry if I am being evasive on that one.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 22:00

I wish either of my parents had given as much of a shit about me when I was at boarding school as you do about your daughter, OP.

I think she should come out of there and go to a day school - if that's a state school, that's OK. All schools have their highs and lows. The biggest indicator for a successful (happy, healthy) outcome is her mental health and wellbeing, and the strength of her relationships. She can't learn effectively while she's living in fight or flight mode, no matter how much money her mother throws at it.

Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:06

Greensleeves · 12/05/2022 22:00

I wish either of my parents had given as much of a shit about me when I was at boarding school as you do about your daughter, OP.

I think she should come out of there and go to a day school - if that's a state school, that's OK. All schools have their highs and lows. The biggest indicator for a successful (happy, healthy) outcome is her mental health and wellbeing, and the strength of her relationships. She can't learn effectively while she's living in fight or flight mode, no matter how much money her mother throws at it.

This is what I said to her today. She is in Fight or flight more, her body is on high alert all the time.

Thank you.

OP posts:
HairyToity · 12/05/2022 22:09

Not read thread, but I'd get her out immediately. You will be dealing with a lifetime of mental health issues if you are not careful.

Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:11

To be clear.

Brother that went to the same school is 8years older/half brother. She misses her full brother a lot, 2 years younger.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:11

HairyToity · 12/05/2022 22:09

Not read thread, but I'd get her out immediately. You will be dealing with a lifetime of mental health issues if you are not careful.

This is exactly what I think/feel.

OP posts:
crackersforcrackers · 12/05/2022 22:14

I agree- take your daughter out and put her in a state school. I had an absolutely miserable 5 years being bullied at boarding school, the effects of which I'm still trying to fix today. I was a bit like your daughter, academic but anxious and the boarding school experience made my anxiety horrendous where I would still flinch away from my parents touch as all touch had negative connotations. I can't even count on both hands how many students tried or successfully committed suicide whilst I was there. You sound like a great parent who cares, please do what's best for her.

(Also @morescrummythanyummy the one I went to was where you pay according to your means in the South East...)

Mischance · 12/05/2022 22:14

Bring her home - give her a cuddle - be a parent. You've split from her mother and she is in this alien environment with no-one to fight her corner. Poor girl.

One of my DDs weekly boarded for a term. I have no words to describe the sheer bitchery that went on. If that sort of thing happens in a day school, she has family to turn to and some sort of home life to counter balance it - in a boarding school it is relentless.

The fact of her parents splitting is hard enough but to be away from home and not have her familiar secure base to hold on to - poor girl. Just get her home!

Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:19

Mischance · 12/05/2022 22:14

Bring her home - give her a cuddle - be a parent. You've split from her mother and she is in this alien environment with no-one to fight her corner. Poor girl.

One of my DDs weekly boarded for a term. I have no words to describe the sheer bitchery that went on. If that sort of thing happens in a day school, she has family to turn to and some sort of home life to counter balance it - in a boarding school it is relentless.

The fact of her parents splitting is hard enough but to be away from home and not have her familiar secure base to hold on to - poor girl. Just get her home!

This is how I feel.

If she was happy, which she has been up until now, no problem. But a week ago she called and I txt her mum to tell her I have never heard her so distraught.

I don't want to pull her out because it might change but I really do not want to scar her and have this situation pop up over and over.

I've told her that don't worry, don't feel guilty, just express how you feel and don't listen to me, mum, the girls at school or the teachers.

I know it's a hard decision, it is for me so must be 10x harder for her and like another poster says, maybe I take that decision out of her hands. It's so difficult.

OP posts:
Neverreturntoathread · 12/05/2022 22:19

Softleftpowerstance · 12/05/2022 20:53

Where does the difference of opinion come into it?

She’s unhappy, she’s had upheaval at home, boarding school does not work for many children. If she wants to leave why would you not pull her out asap?

This.

Bring her home.

(Sounds like a crap school.)

Maybe find somewhere closer to you with weekly boarding if you aren’t willing to look after your child in the week?

TolkiensFallow · 12/05/2022 22:19

Shes Only 11. It just doesn’t sound like it suits her. I’d bring her home, give her a cuddle and tell her you’ll unconditionally love and support her forever.

The mum sounds really cold in the text you copied. That’s the last thing your daughter needs.

Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:21

Neverreturntoathread · 12/05/2022 22:19

This.

Bring her home.

(Sounds like a crap school.)

Maybe find somewhere closer to you with weekly boarding if you aren’t willing to look after your child in the week?

Show quote history

Not that at all. I have my son 50/50. I really miss her and don't want her there any more if she is like this, but happy for her to stay if she is enjoying it.

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 12/05/2022 22:35

Poor girl. Fancy being sent away at 11. I can't think of a worse thing to do to a child.

There you go. I said it. Tin hat time.

morescrummythanyummy · 12/05/2022 22:35

I'm sorry @crackersforcrackers. That must have been so hard for you. I hope that things are improving for you.

I don't have personal experience of that school, but I do know that it had some issues from my experiences at university, hence why I mentioned it. I was the same personality as you and bullied in a state school - nowhere is bully free, but I was lucky in having a refuge away from school at the end of the day.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/05/2022 22:39

If you've recently split up. Is she getting anxious about what her home life is now going to be like. Rather than school being the issue. Particularly as the king summer holiday isn't far off.

Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:39

GentlemanJay · 12/05/2022 22:35

Poor girl. Fancy being sent away at 11. I can't think of a worse thing to do to a child.

There you go. I said it. Tin hat time.

Not sent, she wanted to go, now she doesn't want to be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:41

Toddlerteaplease · 12/05/2022 22:39

If you've recently split up. Is she getting anxious about what her home life is now going to be like. Rather than school being the issue. Particularly as the king summer holiday isn't far off.

It could be lots of things. It's been a long year, kids get tired towards the end, she just had 3 weeks off and this is when it started, hormones e.t.c but regardless of what is going on I feel I need to listen to how she is feeling now.

Personally in a month or so the summer hoildays are going to be here and, even though I can't predict the future, I feel she is NOT going to want to go back.

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 12/05/2022 22:42

What 11 year old doesn't want to live with their parents? I just don't get it. Sorry. My 11 year daughter had never heard of a birding school at that age never mind wanted to leave her family to go to one.

Just to be clear my friend sent his three sons to a boarding school. At went to 6th form. It worked well for them.

Takeitslow123 · 12/05/2022 22:47

Poor girl. I would take her out myself but I wouldn’t have been happy with sending her to boarding school in the first place. How difficult for her. How difficult for you too. You do have to agree things with her mother and be on the same page about all this. I don’t think you probably should have told her you’d take her out without speaking to her mum first. Since it’s such a big change. Not something you can act unilaterally over.

but most of all I think everyone should be extremely careful with children’s happiness and mental health.

wishing you every luck in finding a way through this. I am sure you tell her how much she is loved.

Ziegfeld · 12/05/2022 22:51

a few thoughts from me (who went to both state day and independent boarding schools and my DC have been to both too)

  1. girls that age can be super anxious/miserable wherever they are
  2. they can be super miserable one minute and totally not miserable the next
  3. you can feel trapped and bullied and desperate in a state day school too

What I would do is give her a time bound way out, eg if she’s still unhappy at the end of term she can go to a new school in Sept.

That way, she knows she isn’t trapped and she has definite alternatives BUT …..if it IS a wobble, which aged 12 it might well be, she has time to rediscover what she loved about the school.

I’d probably also tell the school that if they want any hope of keeping her there beyond July, they need to come up with a counsellor PDQ.

Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:52

@Takeitslow123

I've always made it clear, because if the situation with her half brother that if she is unhappy she can leave, I think she needs to know that
.
.
.
Didn't say I'd take her out, just said that at the end of the day I'm listening to what she wants and I have to start looking at schools now for a backup, otherwise come September she might have to endure another term in an anxious and unhappy place.

OP posts:
Original poster
anothername10000232 · 12/05/2022 22:54

@Ziegfeld

Thanks. I want her to know she has options and like you say has no choice.

This is the difficult thing, it might be a wobble, but what if it's not?

I'd rather have her at home unhappy than isolated and unhappy.

OP posts:
Sittininafield · 12/05/2022 22:54

Hmmmm. She might just be having a bad week or two - in which case it would be a massive over reaction to remove her so quickly. If she’s previously been happy you need to find it what the problem is - even if she does leave you’ll need to address it. Also if her mother (or ‘the mum’ as you charmingly put it) is paying the fees then surely it’s not really your decision to pull her out? Do you actually have 50/50 care of your daughter? Where would she live if she left.