What's the best way for my DH to pay back his debts?

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband withheld at least £10k (more like £15k) of his net salary over the past 4 years to spend it on himself. In principle that would be OK, but as a family we went into debt to cover the holes this created. Now that he's come clean, there's still £3.5k of debt directly related to his overspending. I've told him he should work extra hours or get a second job, because quite frankly I'm starting to get tired that even though I make more than enough to live in a decent life (and stress free) I still get stressed because as much as the debt is becoming smaller, I never get to "enjoy" my hard earned money. (And he obviously did for the past four years).

Ultimately you have to make a choice to stick by him and accept you will be skint and forgive his money woes.
It's hard and I'm in the same boat with twins on the way, although DPs debt is from before we were together.

I shouldn't be skint :( which is why I guess it hurts at times. My salary after tax is around £4.5k. I've already paid half of the debt, and I think everything that's left would be "his". I'm positive we can pay it off by the end of the year, but I want to enjoy my money :(

I could not and would not remain in a marriage based on a tissue of lies, I would divorce his sorry arse right now.

I wouldn't stay married to someone like this. How can you ever trust him again?

I take it you have separate finances?

What has he spent it on? How did you find out?

Why on earth are you paying it?

He needs to learn a hard lesson, sorry, not be enabled to do it again.

He needs to work extra hours if possible. I know many here will take this as a chance to yell LTB or call him financially abusive, but he may have just made a stupid mistake the uncovering of which may be sufficient enough embarrassment to him to make him change. I’d give him another chance and accept we all make mistakes and try to get past this. If it keeps happening that’s another thing.

I'm absolutely staggered that you stayed with him.

@Tamzo85
For FOUR YEARS!!

Up to a couple of months ago they were semi separate. He realistically never contributed enough, but he increased it over the years... It was obvious but tried to turn a blind eye because people were telling me I was too focused on the money. He had to come clean because I have access to his credit reports.

I have been married for 30 years and we have ups and downs and in-betweens, but we have always had financial clarity.

So when I advocate divorce I am not doing it lightly.

@arethereanyleftatall

Yes for four years. People are human and make mistakes, that’s why pencils have erasers. I know a lot of people here are very pro divorce and advocate that any mistake (by a man) should be answered with divorce but I believe in accepting a spouse can make a mistake and change (until they make it over and over).

But he did make the same mistake. Over and over. For 4 years!

What did he spend it on?

I wouldn’t pay a penny of the remaining debt if the debt is only in his name. Treat your contributions to his debt repayments as your spending money from now on. At least you don’t have to feel guilty.

if debt it in both your names then I second that he needs to get another job.

You will also need to consider whether you can stay married to such a selfish man.

What did he spend this money on. That's would be the decision maker for me. If it was something like gambling or drugs I'd divorce now. I have seen friends go through that and it never works out well. How did you not notice he had new items while your family sunk into debt for 4 years? I'm not blaming you but its hard to imagine someone watching their family struggle while going out buying luxuries. I would struggle to forgive that tbh especially if children are involved. People do make mistakes but him putting his family in financial hardship id struggle to forgive.
He needs to pay every penny back including what you have already paid, you need to have your own disposable income and his can go on the debt. Once its paid off by him doing extra hours etc then I'd join finances if you plan to stay together so you have full sight and control.

How will you ever trust him in the future ?

He spent it on silly things like coffees and muffins and lunches...

So you and your DC went without so he could spend it on himself?

I don't think I could forgive that. And you're still going without because you're paying twice for his shortfall in effect.

Well we never went "without" as I was able to cover I would say most of it.

It's difficult because if roles were reversed I'm sure the answers would be slightly different.

Do you both contribute equally financially? Are you struggling for money? So you both have equal spends?

Thousands of pounds worth of muffins? Sure.

Does he earn equivalent to you or have you been carrying him?

Gambling?

Sounds like he doesn't
Give a shit about you and the kids tbh.

I don't them the answers would be different, mine wouldn't anyway.

That’s not really unreasonable if you could cover it as a family. Do you earn more?