What's the best way for my DH to pay back his debts?

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband withheld at least £10k (more like £15k) of his net salary over the past 4 years to spend it on himself. In principle that would be OK, but as a family we went into debt to cover the holes this created. Now that he's come clean, there's still £3.5k of debt directly related to his overspending. I've told him he should work extra hours or get a second job, because quite frankly I'm starting to get tired that even though I make more than enough to live in a decent life (and stress free) I still get stressed because as much as the debt is becoming smaller, I never get to "enjoy" my hard earned money. (And he obviously did for the past four years).

Exactly! And we have a printer so it's not like he had to go and actually buy a card....

He did make me breakfast for the British one, but normally we celebrate the May one with bigger fanfare. And he knew I went to the oncology ward that day...

I think probably doing the money today and taken it out on him was maybe unfair? But the "business as usual" for him when I'm carrying the world on my shoulders just seems beyond unfair.

Why do you want to stay in such a soul destroying relationship..

Why is this a good role model for your children? Either of you...

Please give yourself a chance to be happier...
If its not this piece of debt it'll be something else...he doesn't give a shit about you or your children..

Sod a new purse, how is a 'thing going to sort this out phone a solicitor and spend your bonus on that...
With your income you will be able to sort it out....

When I think about divorce, I just don't think it's the right time.

He'd keep half of the house equity (which realistically shouldn't be his) but most importantly I just want to move back home across the pond, but with children I simply can't. It's smarter to play the long game, maybe (I'm still hopeful) he'll do a 180, we move, and then I take it from there.

At least that way I wouldn't be stuck here for the next 15 years...

He does bring me joy in other ways, it's just that this week was a total disappointment.

Getting defensive about not getting me anything and then having to beg for him to stay just felt horrible given my health.

The problem with that way of looking at things is that it’s exactly what put the OP in this situation in the first place!

She was told to let it go, that she was too ‘money orientated’ and they were a couple so you ride out the ups and the downs etc…

result= a DH that took the piss.

Boundaries are essential in a couple. It’s not OK to have one person making efforts and not the other (whether it’s about money or something else).

@Onlyrainbows seeing that you have already paid HALF of the debt back with your own money, I’d say it’s time for him to make an effort and increase hours etc.. to cover the rest.

So not muffins and general life then?

Why are people so staggered by the cost of incidentals?

if he went out every day and bought a coffee and a muffin in the morning, and another coffee in the afternoon that’s nearly £10. That’s £300/month. Or £3.6k/year

i mean when I was a student I used to drink about 10 coffees a day. That was where most of my income went. Sorry not to try and derail the thread, but people going on about £10k on muffins- over 4 years, very easily done. It didn’t necessarily mean he was gambling or drinking or drugs. In fact £10k over 4 years would be virtually nothing on drinking. That would be the equivalent of one to two bottles of wine per day, or a bottle of Gin every week, and if drugs that would be approximately a gram of cocaine every week. I don’t know many cocaine addicts that can go 7 days between hits. I don’t know many alcoholics that can stop at a single bottle of wine.

in fact given the prices mentioned, muffins and coffee seems far and away the most likely! (Sorry for derail OP)

OP, he's not going to change. Don't you think you deserve so much more than this?

Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy.

Well we never went "without" as I was able to cover I would say most of it.

Well, more fool you then...

You'd be better divorcing him and put what you earn into your own future. Pension etc.

I am guilty of also fincially propping up a man. It never stops. So I bailed out....

I think OP you two need to have a discussion about spending money for yourselves. You’re upset about what he spends money on (muffins, coffees and bit of porn) but I wonder how he feels about your plan to spend your work bonus on a designer purse? Yes you have joint finances, but you both need to have your own allowance to spend how you wish. Otherwise it’s a constant fight over who’s wasting money on what rubbish…when one persons rubbish is another persons treat.

I think your issue is bigger than who is paying the debt.

you need to lay out a plan. That plan MUST include being clear on much each of you is earning.
Then, you need to agree on how you are going to handle the money.

• You can go down the route if everything into the pot and things get paid from that (you isn’t still get frustrated to see him spending high amount in hobbies whilst you restrict yourself)


• You can decide that everyone puts a set amount (reviewed every year or when anyone has a different wage) and then gets to do what they want with what is left. That’s oils mean you keep your bonus and he has to make choices on where to spend his money. Risk is that he is running debts again of course.

This will depend on WHY he got in debt.
In effect, he is able to reign in his spending if he has less disposable income?

Is the issue that he saw you as a the golden house that would pay for everything? (Because you know @Onlyrainbows has trust money so I don’t need to be careful type of attitude)

What was the driver for him? And can you trust him to not run debts again?

result= a DH that took the piss. Boundaries are essential in a couple. It’s not OK to have one person making efforts and not the other (whether it’s about money or something else)

I don’t agree that the DH took the piss or has made no effort.

The OP has clearly stated in her many posts the timeline of earnings versus contributions and it shows that over the past 4 years the DH has gone from agreed on separate finances where he contributed 50% of his earnings to fully joint finances where he now contributes 100% of his earnings.

He can’t contribute more than 100%. OP seems resentful of the fact he is a lower earner than her (and doesn’t have a trust fund like she does). That is why she is demanding he get a second job or work overtime.

The debt is tiny, less than 1 months income and so not worth the drama she is having over it.

The thing is, if OP leaves now, will be debt be classed as joint debt anyway and she'll end up paying half anyhow. When she's already paid a great whack of it.
I think it's time to say that the household has suffered enough for his stupidity and it's up to him to pay off the rest, whether that's by extra hours, a second job, or selling off his stuff. Only then can new household financial arrangements be made that will give each partner a defined amount of spends.
If he kicks off, fling him out and sell his stuff anyway.

To be fair you could see it as he is paying the debt. He is laying his whole wage to Op. who earns 4.5k a month.

in reality he should be covering only a portion of the bills. Anything above that portion is paying the debt.

Its entirely normal for the higher earner to pay a higher portion of the bills. Yes he fucked up in the past, but op decided she wanted to move on with him and stay in the marriage. he is now paying everything he earns back.

in a normal situation he wouldn’t be his whole wage towards bills, when his wife earns so much. So he is paying towards the debt.

Up until I figured out his hidden debts, we had the concept of "pocket money" and literally we could burn if we wanted to.

That didn't last long, because now everything is going to clear said debts.

The onus is that over the years I didn't spend any money on myself, because the household needed it, whereas he did whatever he wanted.

@Only4You
This will depend on WHY he got in debt
Loved your post. Great advice. Just wanted to answer the question. The DH did not run up any debts. OP and DH jointly went into debt setting up their house buying furniture at IKEA and putting baby things on a credit card. OP is calling it his debt because she is resentful that they did not have fully joint finances at the time and he was contributing 50% of his earnings instead of 100%. Her contention is that if he had contributed 100% of his earnings, then they would not have gone into debt.

So really the OP and DH both need to work on doing a household budget so as to avoid debt in future.

Well no he can’t contribute to more than 100% but then he NEVER contributed to 100% because he NEVER put all his money in the common pot.

Whereas the OP did…. Regardless of whether she was high or a lower earner….

So yes he is taking the piss for putting only 50% of his income when the Op put 100%.
and is doubling taking the pics when he did that AND a then run up debts that the OP is paying (she already has paid half of it).

So to answer your question, how can he put more than 100% of his income? By getting a second job, selling stuff from his hobbies, doing more hours at work….
And then by stopping spending money he doesn’t have or spending money if frivolous stuff when they need a bed for HIS children

This is so sad. Why are you putting yourself through this?
You could be having a good life but instead you are stuck chasing after a grown man who spends his money on cakes rather than his family. You are not his mother, he needs to grow up.

@Discovereads the OP is quite clear that the DH has run up debts, debts that were hidden to her. Not the IKEA debts etc… that she knew about (and didn’t want to take on the first place)

They were not separate, they were "semi separate" and only because he didn't want to be transparent.

I always gave 100% of my income when he gave 50%, how was that remotely fair?

At least we're now both giving 100% and the redistributing.

Exactly!!

If you left him are you able to stay in the UK? Because I think it's foolhardy hoping he at some point will change his mind about moving to the US and staying with him until that might happen. All the while living a stressful half life. And it'll always be stressful because he won't change.

This is really unclear.
What exactly is this ‘debt’? Whom is it owed to? Why, if you’re so anxious around money, did you decide to have a baby?

My DH has, all throughout our marriage, earned half of what I earn. We have always combined our salary, paid everything out of a joint account and both had the same amount of personal spending from the joint account.

Are you saying that you’ve not spent a single penny on yourself?

Yes, I'm a dual citizen.

How much of your £4.5k a month do you have left to spend each month? I actually don’t think £3.5k is anything to sweat over when your income per month is almost double that. I

but did I pick up he ran up the debt on only fans?