What's the best way for my DH to pay back his debts?

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband withheld at least £10k (more like £15k) of his net salary over the past 4 years to spend it on himself. In principle that would be OK, but as a family we went into debt to cover the holes this created. Now that he's come clean, there's still £3.5k of debt directly related to his overspending. I've told him he should work extra hours or get a second job, because quite frankly I'm starting to get tired that even though I make more than enough to live in a decent life (and stress free) I still get stressed because as much as the debt is becoming smaller, I never get to "enjoy" my hard earned money. (And he obviously did for the past four years).

You want a relationship without the stress, it sounds like he is not the person for this. You need to be realistic about what he is like, wishes aren't changes, you can't make someone else change.

Not been that clear. She’s called them debts but when pressed stated that he spent money that he hadn’t contributed, and if he had, they wouldn’t be in debt. She’s not really stated what these hidden debts are that are in his name and who they are owed to.

He lied about how much he was earning so he wouldn't have to pay a fair share of the bills, even after they had a baby.

On top of this he has ran up debts and still made no effort to adjust his spending habits.

He should continue to pay his full salary into the pot. Bills should be split based on income, the remainder pays his debt. Any bonus you receive from work remains yours as compensation for all the years you did without.

But to be honest I would make plans to leave him. I would never be able to trust or even like him again.

Sounds like you're his boss demanding all his money?

He literally gives you his entire pay packet?

How come you weren't going halves on things like rent and bills while you were renting?

Did you ask him to go halves? Did he refuse?

Well, along with some extra hours, he could take out a loan in his sole name for the money he spent on cakes and wanking.

And then you leave him.

Yes he did refuse... He said he was always giving as much as he could.

What's the full situation here? How many kids? How long married/together?

We've been together for four married for one. Four kids, one mine, two his, one joint.

Yes, I thought it was you.

Ok so he spends £100s on only fans, wastes loads of time and money on hobbies he can't afford instead of using it for his family and didn't support you through a fucking cancer diagnosis?!

What on earth did your ex do that made you divorce him if you still want to stay with this pillock?!

I was on his side about the money initially but there's nothing redeeming about this guy and I'm really not sure how he brings you joy in any kind of way

He would only get ‘half the house’ if he put half in. It’s a short marriage and a short relationship.

I am not going to put details, but I have read some of your other threads. Quite honestly, this whole thing is a shit show. You have no intention of actually leaving him. Him getting half the house is an excuse.

Which would be fine if it wasn’t impacting your kids. Which it is.

This 3.5k isn’t the only or even main issue.

He Fucked up but you decided you want to move forward. He is paying towards the debt being paid off. You can’t expect for his whole wages to go towards the bills forever and have nothing left while you have loads. That’s just adding more toxicity to it.

it’s hard to advise, because you want to stay with him. So there’s no much else to say.

He's a fun guy and loving on a day to day basis... And he was supportive, he gave me tons of cuddles etc.. (but I think he should have stayed home with me the next day).

He did make me breakfast and got me a card for British mother's day for example.

He also tried to book an award winning restaurant over the weekend but for the dates wrong.

Who was paying for the award winning restaurant?

That's not what all the solicitors told me... They told me that his needs are greater than mine regardless... But apart from half the house is the custody issue, I'd still feel just as stuck, wouldn't get any freedom in that way.

I mean if I ignore the situation, or try to truly move on, then we live a pleasant life. If he hadn't been so thoughtless this week, I wouldn't have started this thread.

At this point is joint money, isn't it?

At this point is joint money, isn't it?

Surely not if you're suggesting he works more to pay off his debts?

But you aren’t moving on. He will always have times where he is thoughtless. Even the best people have times like that. He isn’t the best. And all your kids are being damaged by it.

You want him to pay the debt. But don’t recognise he actually is. Regardless of the situation any man having access to 6k per month would be called abusive.

I am really shocked ‘all the solicitors’ told you he would get half when 2 of his children aren’t yours and he can’t possibly have contributed to the house, after a year of marriage. And 4 years together. I would recommend getting more advice.

He still has one debt solely in his name. I do understand it's a tricky situation because all of the accrued debts where when there was no joint finances (from his side) when I've always out everything in.

But for example, last year, when his salary didn't come straight to our joint account, the joint account would have paid for this dinner.

I do get what you're saying @Onlyrainbows - at least he's contributing to family money now so there's less resentment there - but if you now have family money I don't think it works to make him pay it off alone, otherwise once he's done that he'll keep doing the overtime and say that should be his own spending money and then the horrible cycle starts again and you're stuck with all the extra childcare etc while he works more.

I think for this to work you have to be prepared to pay the debt off together then start afresh financially.

I consulted quite a few, and even two told me they wouldn't take my case as what I wanted no judge would accept.

I accept he's finally paying some debt, but I think he should have made more effort to pay it rather than just rely on my income.

Or maybe now that I have such an income, I should just absorb it? I don't know it's fairly tricky.

@Onlyrainbows

Doesnt sound that tricky, sounds like you could pay it off quite quickly if you wanted to on your salary. That doesn’t solve your anger to him and may increase it but it does solve all the handwringing over the current debt he has.

@girlmom21 very valid points. Ultimately I guess I need to give it a timeframe (we've agreed a year) and then go back to our "personal" pots.

Depends on our spending in a month, but I would say it could be done within 4 months or so... Inclusive of my quarterly bonus.

I'm confused, was he spending the money on muffins or was he spending the money on only fans?