What's the best way for my DH to pay back his debts?

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband withheld at least £10k (more like £15k) of his net salary over the past 4 years to spend it on himself. In principle that would be OK, but as a family we went into debt to cover the holes this created. Now that he's come clean, there's still £3.5k of debt directly related to his overspending. I've told him he should work extra hours or get a second job, because quite frankly I'm starting to get tired that even though I make more than enough to live in a decent life (and stress free) I still get stressed because as much as the debt is becoming smaller, I never get to "enjoy" my hard earned money. (And he obviously did for the past four years).

The problem is that repeatedly did a dumb thing. Throwing £300 a month on OF while I was stressed about money and pregnant is almost unforgivable.

I only fairly recently became a high earner.

So, you resent him.

What next?

@Onlyrainbows

Well I don’t know what more you really want? People have given advice IF you want to stay with him which you could follow, because at first it read like you did, but now it’s starting to seem more and more like you just resent and dislike him and really want nothing to do with him, in which case it would be somewhat pointless to come up with a plan for anything money wise as a couple.

It's very easy to tell a username on a screen to divorce in any circumstances and transform their lives. It's harder to actually have to do it. Advice to divorce on Mumsnet should be viewed in this context

I actually do yes. He saw me repeatedly crying over the years because of money worries and he did nothing (even though he could have stepped up and actually start contributing like he always should have).

Make him sell his stuff to pay it off. That's what I did when my dp kept missing loan payments and ended up with huge late fees added that we couldn't pay. His collectable items had to be sold to clear it . I certainly wasn't going without for his fuck up

I get that.

So what do you want to do about this?

Do you want to be married to him?

I resent him because he's never come up with an action plan... Just things like he had an addiction, etc...

I thought I was over it, but I still have to carry the load of his debt and trying to to figure out how to pay as little interest as possible, etc... I'm the only one that lives with that stress, for him it's just business as usual (just sans porn and random coffees and muffins).

He doesn't really own anything worth selling.

So his 10K spending wasn't just on coffee but on porn as well? Talk about a drip feed.

Again, I understand why you resent him.

What do you want to do about it now? Do you want to be married to this man? Do you want to end the relationship?

I want to stay married sans stress please.

So leave him then if you can't forgive him.
That's the solution.

I think one of the problems here is that as a household you have spent beyond your means. Did you both make joint decisions about what to spend on your home and baby stuff etc and agree how you would pay it off?

This^.
The first two years you rented and were not accruing any debt and so the separate finances worked ok. You can’t really count what he spent on himself with money you agreed was his to spend as causing debt years later.

You said the second two years was the time the debt accrued and was when you set up a home and had a baby. You jointly had £2k of your money plus £600 of his per month. That’s what you both should have budgeted to, but did not. Which happens, setting up a home and having a baby are more expensive than most people realise going in. Yes, he should have contributed more but from what you say, he did repeatedly increased his contribution until it is reached100% of his earnings so you now have joint finances. Not sure what more he can do?

I think you’ve both learned why most couples with children have joint finances. You’ve just learned it the hard way. I think you need to leave the past in the past. The debt is joint debt. All finances are now joint and the debt will be paid off. It is a very small debt to pay for a couple on £4.5k/month.

Ok, well, you're in a partnership.

Together the two of you need to figure this out.

My advice would be just to pay off the debt as quickly as you can so the stress is gone. And then let go of the resentment.

The first thing is easier than the second.

We didn't accrue any debt (to start with) because I used my divorce settlement to bridge the gap. I mean for the first year he barely contributed anything. I had to change cars (to get more money in).

And part of the accrued debts is that he went and used my credit card (which I wanted him to see as joint one but he didn't have one at the time) to go and spend it on randomness (including stuff for a business he really never set up).

I agree though, now that all his money is coming in there isn't much more he can do. Although I've suggested that he works a couple of extra hours here and there. Just like I do.

Yes that's more or less the plan... Until I see my bonus getting dragged into the now joint debt, instead of a new purse (which was my original plan for it).

Your terminology seems slightly weird to me - ‘ he withheld money’. It’s the ‘withheld’ that is a strange term. He didn’t actually withhold it, just spent it on stuff (you don’t approve off), and spent too much of it. Were you aware of his spending habits during this time.

Going forward you need an action plan. Move the money to a balance free card or cheap loan, then set up a direct debit to pay it off. Cut up his credit cards so this won’t happen again. Make him more visible about his spending habits, ie be able to see his bank statements etc. Encourage to work more hours to pay it off quicker. Agree how much you can each spend for personal stuff.

I think in this case might be accurate? At the time I had no idea of his real income. He only kept saying it was as much as he could give. It was after the we applied for the first mortgage that it became clear he could have contributed more. The money was very much needed.

There was absolutely zero transparency for the first four years (from his side of things).

So it wasn't muffins and coffees, it was only fans and porn?

Listen, you aren't in a healthy or happy relationship and haven't been for quite some time.

I remember your username and he also has a history of drinking problems which has caused arguments too.

This relationship is not happy, healthy, positive and secure.

It's tense, resentful (understandably), unhappy and unhealthy.

You have fundamentally different approaches to finances and priorities.

Your priority was the family's financial security. His was drinking, wanking to OF and letting you pick up the slack.

You aren't a team because he isn't a team player. That isn't going to change. When push comes to shove, you'll probably always do the sensible thing financially while he'll do what gives him short term gratification with no thought to the incremental stress that causes anyone else.

This is all so horribly dysfunctional for the kids involved too.

Being with another adult shouldn't be this exhausting and shouldn't require project managing them to do basic adulting.

He's watched you stress about money then gone to OF and paid to watch young women get their tits out / play with a dildo.

I just couldn't respect such a grubby little man with so little respect for women, including you.

And being with someone you don't respect turns you into someone you're not, it makes you resentful and snarky and on edge. It's horrible. You can't be yourself because you can't relax.

Honestly, just let the relationship go. I know it's easy to say but life is short and it's not working. Marriages end. It happens. This one is dead.

Are you in a comfortable enough financial situation to separate?

From auditing his account is like 50/50. But ultimately he doesn't make enough to be the father of three and have such expensive "hobbies".

I got fed up today again, because it was just recently mother's day for me (we tend to celebrate both my birth country's and the UK) and he didn't get me anything with the excuse that "I would know" (because of the joint account).

Then I got diagnosed with cancer (the same day) and I asked him to stay the following bone for comfort and he refused because it would eat out of his annual leave.

He's stopped drinking so that's something, but he's still showing no effort (IMO).

And then I thought, well I'll buy myself something nice but ultimately it's not sensible because I just want to get rid of all of that debt.

I want to stay married sans stress please

Not going to happen. He won't change.

You can stay and continue to be responsible for earning most of the family income and try and manage/control his spending as best you can.

It is up to you whether you want to commit to this. Or not - in which case you know what to do...

Why are you wasting your time with this man?

He could have brought you breakfast in bed. Or taken the kids out to let you lie in. Or get them to make you a card.

His excuses are wafer thin, but you know that.
He will never step up to be who you need him to be.

So you have to either suck it up and just accept that and that this is who he is, or leave I suppose?