What's the best way for my DH to pay back his debts?

[Onlyrainbows]

My husband withheld at least £10k (more like £15k) of his net salary over the past 4 years to spend it on himself. In principle that would be OK, but as a family we went into debt to cover the holes this created. Now that he's come clean, there's still £3.5k of debt directly related to his overspending. I've told him he should work extra hours or get a second job, because quite frankly I'm starting to get tired that even though I make more than enough to live in a decent life (and stress free) I still get stressed because as much as the debt is becoming smaller, I never get to "enjoy" my hard earned money. (And he obviously did for the past four years).

@Motnight

Sometimes people fall into a bad beahviour whether that’s this, or drinking a bit much, taking too many painkillers, too much internet time etc.
It depends on how you view marriage, if it’s just another boyfriend but with a wedding then sure leave, but to me it means more than that and we do owe it to our spouses to forgive things like this and give them a do over as we move through life together, in the hope they would for us.

I get it, Mumsnet is a more feminist liberal site and that might not be a popular opinion on marriage but that’s just my feelings on it. It’s alright if other people do different.

Unless the money was spent on hookers or drugs or something in which case that’s different.

Are your children very young? Not at school yet? £4.5 is low, but will increase when they are all in school?

He spent 10 grand on coffees and muffins??? WTF? How? That’s impossible surely!

What was your agreement regarding income and contributions as this occurred during the time you had seperate finances? £10k-£15k over 4yrs, that’s £200-£300 odd per month, was that what he had left over of his money after contributing his share to the joint bills? Were you aware of him having money of his own?

If the £3.5k is family debt, why are you paying it off alone?

How do you know the family debt is directly related to his having £2.5k/yr spending money?

I think That’s right- a lot of posters on mn tell women to save their own personal funds from family money. He has overspent a bit over a few years- on its own that’s not enough for all these responses to divorce, etc.

So he didn't tell you about £200 a month? And he spent it on coffee.

Yet you're in debt because of it and you say you didn't go without because you covered it from your earnings.

And there is still £3.5k debt left?

I'm confused.

@Onlyrainbows

Yes, answers would be different if the roles were reversed. Not saying he didn’t do a dumb thing but if you came on here saying you had done it and wanted your husband to forgive the answers would be quite comforting in the main.

How soon could you pay off the debt as a couple?

£200 a month on lunches is perfectly normal. If you're on £4.5k a month and he works full time how did he get into debt? I don't understand.

Well I think for someone on (back then) close to minimum wage spending 200-300 per month on silly things like that, and only contributing with 1/3 of the joint income does seem excessive IMO.

We were only able to survive and live Okish because I worked FT and I have some trust income.

Realistically, for the first two years that we were together, he should have given more than the £600 (which were very much on and off for those first two years).

We bought a house, and got annoyed and then he increased it to £900 (I think by then he was making at least £1400-1500 pcm).

Then he increased it to £1000... And now he gives his full salary but only because I had enough of taking the brunt even when I was unemployed!

For me your finances don’t make sense.

Is this his own personal spending money? Did you have similar amounts?

and you say you covered the gap, but also that it got you into debt. So not really covering the gaps at all.

on the flip side, if he give you all his wage what does he spend now?

i can’t work out if this is a man who thought it was fine to financially fuck over his wife. Or a higher earner that’s now decided they don’t like how things are, despite being fine for years with it and felt the lower earner shouldn’t have their own money…leading him to hide it.

If he gets no money from his wage, while you have at least 6k per month (your 4.5k plus his that he hands over) you do really need to be paying the debt.

Is this his own personal spending money? Did you have similar amounts? -- For him I guess it was. I didn't have any personal spending money to bridge the gap.

We had to get into debt to set up home. That includes HIS kids. So we had an IKEA loan for example, and a credit card to put the baby stuff, and all other related expenses of setting a home.

He doesn't have any "spending" money those precise moment. But that's only after I uncovered the magnitude of his spending. Including his two overdrafts (one that has been paid).

So, his take home pay was appx 800 a month and he put £600 a month in the pot, spending £200 a month on shit.

Then his earnings increased and he put £900 a month in the pot, but was by now keeping back £600 a month to spend on shit.

Then he increased it to £1000 a month, keeping back £400 a month to second on shit.

Now he puts his entire salary £1400 per month in the pot.

All the while, you were earning £4500 a month, putting the whole lot in the pot.

So in the early months, the pot had £5100 per month, increasing to £5500, then £5600 and now £5900.

Yet, there is debt.

In those early months, did you have a joint cost outgoing for housing? Rent? I get that you now have a mortgage.

I'm still confused though

No for the first couple of years I think he had a take home pay of something between 1200-1300 (which is when he gave the 600).

For the first two years we rented.

For two of the four years my income was £2k and that included my trust money and a some tutoring hours.

When we accrued the debt, there were £2600 coming into the household. £2000 being mine, and I wasn't keeping anything for myself.

He should be paying it off himself. Make sure to refinance so it is as low interest as possible, then keep control of the finances so he can’t run up any more debt.

Am I reading this wrong? The OP earns around 80K a year, plus her husband's salary, and it's a low income?

But how does he do this? By getting a second job? Now that all of his salary is coming into the joint pot I take that some of it is towards his debt?

Now that all of his salary is coming into the joint pot I take that some of it is towards his debt?. Yes. But I still think it is family debt after your additional info, not his debt as you said we had to get into debt to set up the home and how this debt was things like IKEA furniture for the house and baby things.

The only difference is that over the past 4yrs you’ve gone from having seperate finances to having joint finances. Although you seem to be the one controlling the joint pot, which is your money + his money.

I don’t think it’s fair on him to go back and based on hindsight say you should have had joint finances so he would have contributed all his earnings and then you as a couple would have taken on less debt to set up your home and have a baby.

I mean, I bought a car the day before my DH was made redundant. It would be unfair for my DH to call the debt we went into while he was out of work as directly related to my buying a car, and therefore my debt to pay on the basis we would have had more money in the bank.

If he had contributed enough, we wouldn't be in debt

i see your point.

However, you decided to move past this and work through it together. Saying you don’t want to anymore because and he needs a second job, isn’t really on.

You agreed a plan. You want to keep the 6k that’s coming in, plus him earn more to cover the debt.

The home you set up also include your kids as well.

you have huge disparity in your income. It would never be fair to both pay the same towards bills. But, I suspect, that for you the marriage is over. You got over the shock of him hiding money, started to work through it and now the dust has settled you don’t want to work through it.

you have a great (not low) income. If you are unhappy and want your money to yourself, end it. Because that’s where this is going isn’t it?

If you hadn’t spent a fortune in IKEA, you would not be in debt. You have to take some responsibility for the house spending that happened.

It’s beginning to sound more like you resent being the higher earner to a lower earning man and don’t want to share “your money” with him (something men on here would be ripped for) and his debt has just brought this feeling to the front.

This often happens and there’s a bias that plays out in the reactions to it on here as well, the reality is men kind of have it instilled (natural?) that they are meant to provide and it’s expected however for some women when they are the higher earner they begin to resent having to give more money than the lower earning male partner because this feeling of having to provide isn’t instilled in the same way - in fact it often brings the “ick.

Your husband did a dumb thing but I’m actually starting to feel bad for him a little.

I was actually against buying anything in IKEA and thought we needed second hand stuff but he wouldn't budge.

Also if I didn't have to subsidise him I would have been able to pay IKEA by myself.

This is a difficult one. I'm not sure how it works if neither of you have any disposable income. How much is your mortgage that that's the case?

I think one of the problems here is that as a household you have spent beyond your means. Did you both make joint decisions about what to spend on your home and baby stuff etc and agree how you would pay it off?

Ok, so it's done now.

You see a future together? Then tackle this together. It's what a team would do.

£4.5 is low,

A 4.5k. a month wage is low!?!? In what world!?