I think friend is ridiculous, she thinks I'm a mug: who is right?

[napalmbeth]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years has an old female friend who is an ex stripper/burlesque dancer. She's in a settled relationship with someone and hasn't done it for several years. My boyfriend and I don't live together but are in a stable, happy relationship and I trust him as he's never given me any reason not to. I have a child (not his child) if relevant.

He's known this woman for 15+ years and used to hang out with her/go clubbing with her way back when. He keeps in touch with her and others in her circle and we (together) have gone out with her and her partner maybe 3-4 times since we've been together. I get on well with this woman. To my nearly certain knowledge he hasn't met her once without my being there in the time we've been together.

We are going to visit this woman's home town soon and meeting various people we know who live there, including this friend, for a drink. Both of us and her and her partner.

I relayed this casually in conversation to a (female) friend of mine. She said I was being a "mug" and she wouldn't tolerate her partner hanging out with a former stripper. I said that was ridiculous, she said I was being childish and a "cool wife" and should have better boundaries and should put my foot down. I haven't done as I don't see any reason to and she's recently asked me what I play to do about it.

Am I being naïve? I think the fact of someone having historically been a stripper doesn't mean they are inherently more likely to cheat with my partner or he with her? My partner has a number of female friends who I trust and like, why should this woman be singled out on the basis of something she did for money years ago?

She’s being ridiculous.

Your friend is an idiot.

Your friend is being ridiculous.

Your friend sounds very insecure.

I agree with the friend.

Has your friend said why she wouldn't want her partner to be friends with her?

Your friend is insecure. You, your partner and his ex have moved on like mature adults and find that you get on as friends, which is brilliant. Do not give your 'friend' another thought.

Why?

You're meeting up as couples. What does she think will happen?! Quickie in the pub loo while you and her partner have a drink?

She’s being ridiculous.

The former stripper isn’t even the boyfriend’s ex!

You are right, she's being ridiculous. Having female friends does not make it more likely your partner will cheat, whatever their former job was. It's lack of character and integrity that creates the risk not, not profession.

She sounds nasty, judgemental, insecure and jealous.

When I initially mentioned that one of the couple we were meeting is an ex stripper she raised an eyebrow and said "mmm and how are you with that?"

I said I was fine.

Her first reaction was to say anyone who describes themselves as a "Burlesque dancer" is being pretentious and they are actually just a stripper and should say so. I said I didn't totally disagree with this but each to their own.

She then asked: a) did my boyfriend ever watch this woman strip? (not to my knowledge) and b) had he ever slept with her (he says no and I have no reason to disbelieve this and honestly even if he had I wouldn't have had a huge problem).

She said the whole culture around stripping and Burlesque was gross and masqueraded as feminist but actually very anti-women. I think there's a grain of truth in this but I wouldn't ever discriminate against anyone who had done it. She said "yuck, I wouldn't want to hang out with her". I said she was being ridiculous and then subject was dropped.

Then yesterday she asked me again via text as part of another conversation if I'd done anything about going to visit the stripper. I said no why and she said, in a very superficially caring manner: "I don't want to sound judgemental and I know you're very happy now but I don't want to not say something: I don't think you should be a mug or a cool wife just because you're in the honeymoon period and sacrifice your boundaries and I would personally put my foot down in this situation but I'm a cynical old married lady". That's more or less exactly what she said.

It's quite out of character and also I'm finding it hard to tell if her objection is on feminism grounds (which I would have more sympathy with) or on the grounds of this woman being a risk to my relationship. All very odd but I'm glad I'm not crazy.

I may be biased here, because I hang out with lawyers and politicians, who are generally FAR further down the morality slope than strippers. You are fine, your friend is being a bit of a twit, but hopefully only because she cares about you and doesn't want you to get hurt.

I think she's right on feminist grounds - prancing around in your undercrackers in the name of 'empowerment' isn't exactly a feminist act. However, neither are lots of things and I'm friends with lots of non-feminists.

That said, assuming that someone is out to shag someone else's husband is deeply unfeminist too, so your friend isn't exactly being consistent!

But you are also right in terms of this friendship - this woman is no threat to you just because at one point she skipped around on a stage with pasties on her nips. Even if she was a stripper in the way my old dad would use the term (which is as far from burlesque as you can get) she still wouldn't be any threat to you because none of those things mean she's a husband stealer, or that your husband is available to be stolen.

@MaChienEstUnDick

Exactly. I am not a fan of stripping as a pastime and also think the line between "Burlesque" and "soft porn/titillation" can be quite thin.

But I don't see that the fact that this woman has done it makes her antifeminist. In all probability she did it for money (I've never asked her) and if she didn't she had her own reasons which are none of my business.

I also don't think she is more likely to be on the look-out to steal men from settled relationships by virtue of having been a stripper.

This is a very old friend (30+ years) who has known me for most of my life and has seen me go through and recover from an abusive marriage so I think she has my back, rather than just being jealous or spiteful. But I think she's over-reaching here.

She’s being ridiculous. A former boyfriend of mine used to LIVE with a stripper, shock horror! That didn’t bother me. The stripper is married (and still a stripper) and my ex is now engaged. They all hang out and have a nice time. You know your bf, you know this woman, your friend sounds like she has some internalised misogyny she’s trying to disguise as feminism.

Ex stripper here.

I don't shout about it but my female friends don't seem remotely worried that I'm about to pounce on their partners. My male friends are not suffering under the illusion that we may one day get it on because I used get paid to take my clothes off - pretty sure they'd be horrified if I suddenly invited them into the bedroom.

I think your friend may be struggling with trust issues herself - the louder the front, the bigger the back. Or perhaps she bases her concept of 'cool girlfriend' on Gone Girl.

Your friend is being very over the top. If it comes up again I would say

"I wouldn't hold someone being a stripper in the past (or present) against them. I trust my partner and a friends previous occupation does not make him less trust worthy. Even if I was insecure we see her together. I don't tell my partner who he can be friends with. You have expressed your opinion not sure why you assume that would change my views."

The friendship is obviously worth preserving but I would send a fairly definitive response and suggest you no longer talk about this.

Your friend is immediately putting any potential blame for your partner possibly straying on you - for ‘allowing’ him to have a female friend and the friend for being a stripper at some point in her life.

AND she is treating your partner like a child who cannot be responsible for his own actions and needs you to enforce those boundaries by forbidding he sees his friend and basically suggesting he isn’t adult enough to only have sexual relations with his partner and be honest and exclusive.

she’s not someone I’d want to be friends with tbf. She seems like the type who would instantly lay any fault with your relationship, even normal minor niggles that happen, on you. Not exactly supportive. And I’ve had friends who were like this

Stripping was her job.
I am a cleaner but wouldn't expect to come visit and give your home a quick dusting...

Your friend is silly and judgmental.

@EveningOverRooftops

I agree with you in principle but I'm not going to give up on this friendship. She's my oldest friend: I've known her since primary school and we've been through a lot together.

I think we're in very different places: she's a SAHM who has been married for 20 years and I am a FT working single mum and have been through an abusive marriage. We spend our time in very different ways and the things we worry about are very different.

We sometimes have very different perspectives on each other's lives but I know it comes from a place of love. I think its good to sometimes keep in touch with people who have different angles on these things.