I think friend is ridiculous, she thinks I'm a mug: who is right?

[napalmbeth]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years has an old female friend who is an ex stripper/burlesque dancer. She's in a settled relationship with someone and hasn't done it for several years. My boyfriend and I don't live together but are in a stable, happy relationship and I trust him as he's never given me any reason not to. I have a child (not his child) if relevant.

He's known this woman for 15+ years and used to hang out with her/go clubbing with her way back when. He keeps in touch with her and others in her circle and we (together) have gone out with her and her partner maybe 3-4 times since we've been together. I get on well with this woman. To my nearly certain knowledge he hasn't met her once without my being there in the time we've been together.

We are going to visit this woman's home town soon and meeting various people we know who live there, including this friend, for a drink. Both of us and her and her partner.

I relayed this casually in conversation to a (female) friend of mine. She said I was being a "mug" and she wouldn't tolerate her partner hanging out with a former stripper. I said that was ridiculous, she said I was being childish and a "cool wife" and should have better boundaries and should put my foot down. I haven't done as I don't see any reason to and she's recently asked me what I play to do about it.

Am I being naïve? I think the fact of someone having historically been a stripper doesn't mean they are inherently more likely to cheat with my partner or he with her? My partner has a number of female friends who I trust and like, why should this woman be singled out on the basis of something she did for money years ago?

@stopwaitingforpermissiontobeyou

I know I hate this phrase as well

It implies all men are children who are incapable of setting their own boundaries and the job of a wife or partner is to "police" them.

Also I strongly suspect that relationships where feet routinely get "put down" are fragile and unhappy.

My best friend used to be a pole dancer.

Should I dump her too?

Or should OH prohibit me from seeing her in case she leads me "astray"?

I agree with this. She's the all-knowing relationship guru with the great marriage. That's what she thinks she has over you because she's secretly envious of your career and is dissatisfied with her life.

That'd be my takeaway. 😁

I agree with this. I tend to keep it to myself because I don't want to deal with judgement. I hope other people are also judicious with the information.

Not sure I could be friends with someone who held these views. She’s being very judgemental and ridiculous.

As an aside I'm quite shocked to hear that those of you who have stripped or done burlesque in the past still feel the need to stay quiet about this. Anyone who judges you for having done this is a closed-minded bigot.

@Windmillwhirl

Or maybe she just believes what she’s saying whether it’s right or wrong. Believe it or not not every SAHM is dissatisfied and secretly envious of their female friends big carers - in fact they don’t want them, no matter how hard some may want to believe that. If anything it’s that attitude that sounds insecure.

I’m 65, my real estate agent was a stripper 40 years ago. When I introducer her as a friend should I mention it? Should I make sure she doesn’t cc my husband in e-mails??

Ha ha yes. I was going to say this style of thing but you put it better 😂

@Tamzo85

What is this with the SAHM thing? I've already said to you this has nothing to do with her being a SAHM and nowhere have I implied this either.

Or to do with my "big career" (which is not a particularly big career its something I do to keep a roof over my daughter's head).

You keep coming back with this and tbh its irrelevant and sounds as if you are desperate to shoehorn something in here about this being SAHM-bashing.

I'm happy to take being wrong on the chin but don't misquote me please. This is absolutely nothing to do with being a SAHM.

This!!! Says so much about her and her insecurities quite frankly disguised as looking out for you. Some people 🙄

I never said every SAHM is dissatisfied with their life. Obviously that's not true. The friend here seems to assume a woman that is/was a burlesque dancer can't be trusted. It's an utterly ridiculous assumption. As is that a man in a relationship wouldn't be able to remain faithful in her company. It's bizarre and the intent is clear: make op feel naive and uncomfortable about the meet-up.

@napalmbeth

I wasn’t replying to you but another poster above who said your friend must be envious and dissatisfied.

Why did you mention that she was a stripper?

Does your friend know something you don't? That would be my first question

How is your dp with her? Does he seem to really like her and want to see her. I say this as someone on the other side of this, with a man I had a brief relationship with and he became obsessed with us being friend, fine, but I could see how he still really liked me even with various girlfriends. He wouldn't say anything to give himself away but the way he looked at me certainly did, and his body language and his desire to continue to stay in touch long after the friendship had faded. Eventually he said he was about to get engaged but he was still in love with me - is there any way I would consider being with him - no was the answer. His girlfriends had no idea how he felt, and it looked like a happy group of friends from a distance but it was always there. He got engaged and eventually stopped texting. My dh will tell you most men want to stay in touch with women because they find them attractive and there is always more to it. I am not sure about that, but that has kind of been my own experience too.

So I am on the fence with this one.

Why does your dp bother to keep in touch is my question?

My friend can't know something I don't because she's never met the woman in question and barely knows my DP. On his motivations, I mean obviously I can't answer this question with total certainty because I can't know my DP's motivations but...

She's an old friend who, prior to the pandemic he saw fairly regularly (3 ish times a year) as part of a big group. We've only seen her once since the pandemic started, we are going to visit the city he lives in and suggested we get together, which we have arranged to do.

As an aside, my DP has tons of female (and male) friends. He always has done and I've always been totally comfortable about this. It's never come across as remotely creepy or lechy to me and he never sees them without me (unless he's asked me to join and I've said I'm not free).

My dh will tell you most men want to stay in touch with women because they find them attractive and there is always more to it.

TBH my feeling is that this says more about your DH than it does about "most men". But to take it at face value, yes its entirely possible that initially they became friends because he found her attractive. I think that's quite often how men become friends with women. There is of course always the possibility that he's secretly in love with her and plans to leave me for her, that's always a risk with male/female friendships.

But honestly there's bugger all I can do about if that were to be the case that so "putting my foot down" would achieve nothing. If you were to exclude all men on the basis that there was a theoretical possibility they may secretly hold a candle for another woman you'd basically wipe them all out.

My thoughts exactly. What a wanker.

If feminism was a concern surely her first reaction should be one of sympathy that this woman was coerced into stripping by a patriarchal society?

No, she’s trying to make her ugly feelings about an individual she doesn’t even know acceptable by applying a political argument.

She needs to work on her insecurities, self-worth and have some confidence in her own skills in choosing partners; it’s really not healthy to spend your life fending off threats instead of actually trusting your partner. Granted people will still betray you but they’ll do that whether or not you dedicate a large chunk of your time playing bodyguard.

My dh will tell you most men want to stay in touch with women because they find them attractive and there is always more to it.

Sorry bold fail: meant to bold this paragraph

I think that says more about your DH than all other men (who he can't speak for).

Exactly. I'm always highly suspicious of people who attribute the worst possible motives to the entirety of their own sex and say "deep down we're all like this".

No, mate. You're like this. You don't get to speak for 50% of the human race.

Sorry posted too soon. That was aimed at pp whose DH says men only stay in touch with women they fancy.

Men and women can be friends without there being any sexual intent.

Why should your bf stop being friends with other women once he hets a gf? Makes no sense and not reasonable to expect. And her old job is irrelevant. I'm not aware that strippers are any less trustworthy than accountants or GPs.

I think your friend likes having you as the single one she can feel superior to and thinks you should always follow her advice. Her assumption that you would 'do something' about it following her concerns is arrogant in the extreme. He suggestion that you should set clear boundaries while demanding you do what she wants is almost funny. I would imagine she has insecurities in her relationship to project like that.

Your boyfriend has an old friend who found herself in a circumstance where she felt her best choice was to earn money in a sex work related field and managed to build a better life for herself. Most women don’t choose that line of work when they have better options. I don’t think that makes her untrustworthy on any way. I’m more likely to suspect that she is a strong woman who values the life she has built and doesn’t want to burn it down.

Have you asked him why he stays in touch with her? What does he get out of the friendship? Three times a year is quite a lot if you all live in separate cities.

I say this kindly, as I have no idea what has happened in the past, most people have a reason for being friends, they share a hobby, kids of the same age, make each other laugh/great company or work together etc. Time is precious and I just wonder what he is getting out of this friendship with her?

I am not suggesting he has feelings for her, I wouldn't discount it entirely either.

My good friends are good friends because they are totally honest with me, and sometimes they can see things that I can't. If this is out of character maybe she is on to something? I trust my friends, so this would make me sit up and listen. If she is not usually insecure and jealous etc then maybe there is a reason.

@napalmbeth

On what the other posters Dh said I think there’s something to it - especially when that friend is an attractive ex stripper. I mean cmon.

I’d say it is more “anti-women” of your friend, to say your boyfriend’s friend is forever to be judged by her past.