I think friend is ridiculous, she thinks I'm a mug: who is right?

[napalmbeth]

My boyfriend of 3.5 years has an old female friend who is an ex stripper/burlesque dancer. She's in a settled relationship with someone and hasn't done it for several years. My boyfriend and I don't live together but are in a stable, happy relationship and I trust him as he's never given me any reason not to. I have a child (not his child) if relevant.

He's known this woman for 15+ years and used to hang out with her/go clubbing with her way back when. He keeps in touch with her and others in her circle and we (together) have gone out with her and her partner maybe 3-4 times since we've been together. I get on well with this woman. To my nearly certain knowledge he hasn't met her once without my being there in the time we've been together.

We are going to visit this woman's home town soon and meeting various people we know who live there, including this friend, for a drink. Both of us and her and her partner.

I relayed this casually in conversation to a (female) friend of mine. She said I was being a "mug" and she wouldn't tolerate her partner hanging out with a former stripper. I said that was ridiculous, she said I was being childish and a "cool wife" and should have better boundaries and should put my foot down. I haven't done as I don't see any reason to and she's recently asked me what I play to do about it.

Am I being naïve? I think the fact of someone having historically been a stripper doesn't mean they are inherently more likely to cheat with my partner or he with her? My partner has a number of female friends who I trust and like, why should this woman be singled out on the basis of something she did for money years ago?

Your not being naive at all, your friend just seems very insecure. I don't believe males shouldn't be able to have female friends and as you mentioned her old job shouldn't even be a factor! He's not given you any reason to not trust him I say carry on doing what your doing. Seems like your in a good healthy relationship.

Does your friend think she's suddenly going to be overcome with the need to fling all her clothes off and start prancing around your boyfriend with a come hither expression...in the middle of the pub?
Your friend is being ridiculous

Your friend has an outdated, old world mentality regarding this. How judgmental of her. I would be embarrassed if one of my friends ever spoke like this about another person, another woman. Your friend needs to step out of the dark ages.

I think it’s wonderful that your boyfriend has these wonderful old friendships that keep going. Don’t let her cloud your view of this.

Your friend is massively overstepping the mark and is very judgemental.
What's in the past is in the past. She hasn't exactly murdered anyone (I assume!!) So really nobody else's business

Tell your friend the subject is closed

I know a couple of women who used to do stripping and their view of men is pretty dire, I think it's kind of less likely they'd steal your man or be taken in by any smooth come on.

Completely agree.

I wouldn't be friends with someone who casually demeans women by referring to someone as 'the stripper'. She is a long-standing friend of your husband, that is her role is your lives. Insist your friend refers to her with respect. Your friend sounds bigoted, misogynist, controlling in relationships. She's the problem here - not you, your husband, or his friend.

100% right! Your friend should not be disrespecting your partner’s friendships. Stand up for them and tell her to back off.

She is being ridiculous. She or her husband may encounter women who have stripped in the past but keep it quiet. There sounds to be zero grounds for having an issue with this woman in this situation. It makes me wonder if your friend is worried about something with her DH and is projecting.

I think one big difference between you and your friend is that you've met the woman, know her as an actual person and your gut tells you it's all fine. She hasn't met her and has probably made all sorts of assumptions that she would see weren't reality if she did actually meet her.

I think she's probably worried about you after all you've been through though and concerned that you might put up with things you shouldn't because of it. I would try talking about this woman beyond the fact she was a stripper to your friend, make her into a 'real' 3D person rather than just 'a stripper'.

Good to know your friend judges everyone based on their job. If she was a doctor I’m sure she would she not have issues with this.

does she think all strippers make sexual advances to men and are home wreckers / addicted to sex?

I know two women (from different grouos of friends) who did some erotic dance work in their late teens / early twenties. Both had mental health issues stemming from very difficult childhoods, both badly needed money, and both had been victims of men. My friends enjoyed the sense of power the work gave them over men, and they made a lot of (badly needed) money in a short period of time.

My friends are lovely people by the way,and would never dream of stealing someone else’s boyfriend (and they would never need to).

Your friend is a dick for judging this woman without knowing what she did or why she did it, and is particularly a dick for trying to make you feel unable to trust your boyfriend. What is she even suggesting? That you suddenly demand your boyfriend end a 15yr old friendship for no reason? That would make you look controlling and crazy…

I mean some would find it ok and some wouldn’t. Since your friend is a SAHM and more family orientated then many like her don’t want their husbands or future husbands hanging out alone with strippers. That’s their point of view.

But for someone whose more into career and independence and who has a child with a man other than her BF and isn’t into the more typical family set up then this probably seems more normal.

Neither of you are wrong, it’s just different strokes.

There’s some truth in this. I did go through a bad period after my marriage ended and I have been very open with her about my desire to take my current relationship (first serious one since the end of my marriage) slowly.

I also think that sometimes people in settled relationships where there are biological children can be quite sceptical and protective around new partners.

I think it’s healthy to have a bit of this as there’s so much more at stake with children. But sometimes she makes me feel as if having a boyfriend is a needless indulgence and I should really have sworn off having another relationship. But I think she’s being unfair here.

I would slightly take issue with the way you have defined this.

The fact she’s a SAHM doesn’t make her more “family oriented”, it means she doesn’t have to work to support her child and I do. It’s not a reflection of how we see the family but ta a matter of practical necessity.

Also I didn’t choose a “non-traditional” setup. I was married to the father of my child and he was an abusive alcoholic. It was not a situation of my choice.

But I agree that she probably has a different filter on this.

Goodness. It sounds like your friend may be prone to a little bit of sabotage, wrapped up and served as concerned advice.

its judging. she thinks being a stripper makes you a slut who likes to sleep with every man

Your friend is an idiot.

OP, Are you sure your friend isn't part of the puzzle, of previous abusive relationship choices?

What do you mean?

Your friend is being ridiculous and projecting her insecurities onto you (i.e. she wouldnt be happy with this situation therefore you shouldn't). As for what you 'plan to do about it' is actually none of her business.
Tell her she has different boundaries than she does and your relationship with your boyfriend is different to how her relationship may be. And as a friend you like her to consider and accept that. If this doesn't work explain that whilst you mentioned it initially you do not require guidance on the situation and understand talking to her about it invites her to express her opinion, so as such you no longer want to discuss it and it is no longer a topic of discussion.

Haha your friend sounds a bit loopy tbh.

So if I used to be a stripper it means I can't have friends because I'll try shag their husbands? Ridiculous!

Tbh it says more about what kind of friend she is than it does your partners pal. I'd be more worried about having my partner around her than the ex burlesque woman tbh.

I would have tuned out the moment she used the term ‘cool wife’. It’s a term used by insecure, bitter women who want to justify their own paranoia.

Then yesterday she asked me again via text as part of another conversation if I'd done anything about going to visit the stripper. I said no why and she said, in a very superficially caring manner: "I don't want to sound judgemental and I know you're very happy now but I don't want to not say something: I don't think you should be a mug or a cool wife just because you're in the honeymoon period and sacrifice your boundaries and I would personally put my foot down in this situation but I'm a cynical old married lady". That's more or less exactly what she said.
It's odd that she chose to raise the subject with you again.
Patronising, with a hint of controlling ...
I'd be tempted to text back "how about I don't vet your friends, & you don't vet mine? Also - you don't get to lecture me about feminism while parading a misogynistic & suburban view about an ex-Burlesque dancer"

It's quite out of character and also I'm finding it hard to tell if her objection is on feminism grounds (which I would have more sympathy with) or on the grounds of this woman being a risk to my relationship. All very odd but I'm glad I'm not crazy.
Think I can help here - it's neither.
She is enjoying pissing on your parade. Why do you think that would be?

Bloody hell, I've heard it all now 😂 What a boringly cosseted life she prefers to lead.
Lucky your pearl clutching friend has never met my own long time besties bunch of neer'do Wells 😁